loverboy69 Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 SITUATION: (Senior manager) married "straight," male texting (subordinate) single gay male (me) during off peak hours (nights, wee hours of the AM and weekends) about personal stuff that are totally unrelated to work. Nothing overtly sexual at all (perhaps hidden innuendo) just constant friendly chit chatty back and forth banter that went on for a period of several weeks (privately never shared this with anyone and always initiated by him) only for him to suddenly stop with no warning proceeded by a sudden unexplained cold shoulder and total avoidance of me at work (on his part). PERPLEXED: I'm gay and still confused as to what this means? I've never had a straight guy text me so frequently and intensely during odd times only to freak out on me and disappear. Totally overnight: No more high fives. No more handshakes. No more invites to employee appreciation functions. No more career development support. No more invites to technology discussion meetings. No longer returns calls. Emails replies are cold, short and often delayed by several days if answered at all (used to be instantaneous and animated). Only verbal exchange 2 weeks after I noticed his sudden change of character was a quick, condescending and rude dialogue in front of my peers (like a father scolding his son) when I did nothing wrong. I almost think he wanted me to take it a step further and when I didn't he got embarrassed and feels its easier to avoid me. I did think it was a bit odd for someone of his stature to be communicating with a subordinate in such an intimate (personal) level but throughout the playful words I still treated him with respect and was never vulgar. FALLOUT: Sucks for me. I can't claim sexual harassment because there really wasn't anything sexual about our working relationship or consensual dialogue and even if it was I'm not the "cry to HR," type of guy. I believe in handling my personal affairs myself. All that is left is a hostile cold working relationship. I guess some men never grow out of that phase where they run away from their emotions instead of facing them. All I really wanted was a corporate ally who could help further my agenda and ideas to the executive staff. For a brief moment in time I felt I had that but now I feel like I was thrown back to the back of the line of irrelevancy. I don't report directly to him but his sphere of influence is huge and now I feel my career will be jeopardized if I can't fix this. YOUR THOUGHTS: Was I inappropriate for texting him in the first place? (We're both guys) Do straight guys in general spend their free time texting gay guys just to chat about nothing important for hours? Any suggestions on how I can salvage my professional relationship with this guy? Thank you everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Did he know you were gay, or did he just find out? If he has always known you were gay, how did he know that? (Excuse the generalization here please) are you "flaming gay" or just a guy who happens to be gay? My first thought, obviously, is that he thought that you were just a "regular" guy, and now he finds out you're gay and he is all freaked out. On the other hand, you say that "All I really wanted was a corporate ally who could help further my agenda and ideas to the executive staff." No one likes to feel that they are being used for furthering an agenda only. Could he have heard this from someone else, or figured it out from something you said or did? If he thought you were friends and you obviously were only into the agenda crap, he could just be ticked off by that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loverboy69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Openly gay yes. Flamer? Not at all. I don't have that gay "accent," and I look/act like most straight guys except I can dress metro from time to time. I'm not feminine by any means. He knows I'm gay. Some of our conversations were around that and of course each conversation was always initiated by him. I only replied to him. The change was literally overnight. The previous night we were cool and he was even a bit overly chummy with me. The next day (and thereafter) stone cold. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Then I can only guess that he heard something about you at work that bothered him, along the lines that you were just trying to use a friendship with him to creep up the ladder? Or maybe he feels afraid that you are going to tell someone that he was trying to hook up with you sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loverboy69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 As for the ally part I never made that known to anyone. But honestly I'm always looking for allies or friends in higher places. As subordinates we need them on our side. I never make it a point to befriend any senior manager on a personal level but I'm always cordial and friendly nonetheless. I felt I was only returning his friendship. I figured that was just his way of bonding with his staff. Link to post Share on other sites
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