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In Too Deep with the Boss...


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I am 22 and have worked at this firm for about a year now, as a graduate solicitor. I felt an instant attraction with one of my colleagues, who is 32 and a senior associate (he's not my direct boss but I do receive work from him occasionally). We get along very well; in fact I have never genuinly enjoyed the company of a guy until I met him. We started flirting, and I found out that he was just getting out of a messy relationship. About three months later his apartment got demolished and he moved in with this girlfriend, and although he is constantly looking for a new place, he has been staying there for the past 6 months.

 

Flirting turned into a make out session one night after a big court win and ever since then we have been making out like school kids after hours, or in our lunch break... It's so fun and exciting. But we still get on with our work, and although we continue to flirt, we are professional in the work environment. I had no delusions about the relationship and kept it strictly on weekdays, and backed off when he started calling me over the weekend to come out. I knew he was in no position to carry through on any promises of commitment. I was seeing other guys.

 

Well I just don't know if I will be able to deal with this for much longer... We are getting closer and closer to having sex (to be honest, i cant believe Ive managed to hold out for this long). I have never been so totally attracted to a guy on every level, and yet this whole situation is fraught with dangers... our firm is very liberal about colleagues dating, but I couldn't stand the gossip and risk to my reputation if we ever got caught out. That, and he continues to remain in a convenient relationship with his girlfriend. I am enjoying his company so much and don't feel the need to force him into anything - in fact I'm not even sure if he'd make a decent boyfriend. Yet despite all this I can't tear myself away. It's like watching a car crash.

 

I'm perfectly fine now but anxious about getting in too deep. Do casual office affairs ever NOT end in tears??

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ArdeaCandidissima

Ariana - yes, this car IS going to crash! Unbuckle your seat belt and jump out now! You're intelligent, there's nothing wrong with your reasoning power. Maybe the oxytocin is taking over, but you have other parts of your brain you can use. Yes, I know it feels great when you win in court and then get a deep French kiss. There are parts of this that are going to feel like HELL before long...if they don't already.

 

I'm perfectly fine now but anxious about getting in too deep...this whole situation is fraught with dangers...I just don't know if I will be able to deal with this for much longer... We are getting closer and closer to having sex.... he continues to remain in a convenient relationship with his girlfriend

 

You can't deal with it any more. At risk are your self-esteem, career and reputation. Steel up your courage, schedule a fun weekend with girlfriends, calmly and with dignity tell this man that it's all over, and go get your mind off him. You've got other boyfriends who might actually be willing to make you their main squeeze, not their office thrill.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: Read at least 10 Loveshack threads on "sex with the boss". Analyze.

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I'll just pick up where ArdeaCandidissima left off,

 

you need to go to this man and tell him everything you have written here, and mainly how it may effect your reputation and or job.

 

He will surely understand that, he is running the same risk and has no doubt thought this over as well, if he pushes you and wants to continue making out then he is not worth your time. If he is willing to back off to try and meet your needs then he may be someone you might consider dating... once he is single... heh

 

my 2 cents ^^

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boil it down to a simple equation. which do you care more about:

 

 

A. satisfying illicit attraction with insert man

 

*OR*

 

B. yourself and your career.

 

 

if you try to have both it'll end up probably in the loss of both, if you are a woman.

 

answer this now, and let your answer guide your actions. since you work at law firm, i am sure you understand how actions cause consequences, etc.

 

you are unethical. face yourself.

 

then eliminate the cause of your problem.

 

love and cheers, k

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don't listen to the last reply - look at his user name 'badman' - nuff.said.

 

you need to be careful with office fornication, it never ends well. anwyay - i hoep you guys are using condoms, and that means BEFORE you guys start knocking boots. There is already enough STI's being spread.

 

Maybe you could list pros and cons, find out exactly what you want from the dude. And are you sure no one else about your little bit of fun - me thinks he may have told another, possibly gloating cos u are much younger than him.

 

I work with many guys in this current job and my oh my what an eye opener - they gossip way more than women and they tel everyone everything - they don;t give a damn. A while back, two guys were seeing the same woman and they were emailing each other about her erm....odour...one of them got suspended for it. Just be careful - men are story tellers and may even embellish the trusth a bit if it makes them seems much mroe like a stud. I mentioned in one of my other posts that one of the guys told others that he was having an affair with another female colleague when he wasn't - they laughed about it but kinda tarnished her reputation.

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Originally posted by blah

don't listen to the last reply - look at his user name 'badman' - nuff.said.

 

 

So your user name of "blah" gives you more credibility huh?

Get real.

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Originally posted by Ariana

our firm is very liberal about colleagues dating, but I could't't stand the gossip and risk to my reputation if we ever got caught out.

 

I don't think its anyone business if you see him outside working hours. There is not much a company can do about that. Lets suppose you end up being a couple, I don't see how it could hurt your reputation. Of course if you have a sneaky affair and someone from work learn about it, they sure are going to talk about it. Spicy stories like that spread out very quickly, but its mostly for entertainment.

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I can truly say this without perjudice or making a judgement call.....DON'T GO THERE! If the flirting works to make the day better....that's no prob. However, once sex enters the relationship....there really isn't anything but a sloppy ending in your future.

 

One of the following will happen:

He is either CHANGE the way he is acting now....leaving you feeling humped and dumped.

You will have an "affair" in which he will never ever leave his wife.

You will hava an "affair", he will leave his wife.....and you'll never trust him...because he's an ASSCLOWN.

 

I can say this honestly....and know of what I speak. TRUST ME HERE!

 

I know it's hard....especially when you find them soooo attractive. It's just not worth it. You self esteem will deeply suffer and you will cry buckets of tears. Beer will become your only friend. You friends will think you are an idiot. You can't tell your Mom. It's a NO WIN situation.

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I think you should follow your heart and do what you want, but remember the consequences that could be at stake. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

 

Just a little of an office romance that didn't end in tears, my parents! My Mom started working for my Dad's law firm and he started coming onto her while he was married (it was an 18 year marriage that was horrible, they didn't even talk for the last year besides essential things--they stayed together becuase of their disabled child). My Mom wouldn't date him because of this. But as soon as he got divorced they did start dating and within 6 months they were married and in 9 months they had me and they are still together, 20 years later.

 

There are always sad stories about office relationships, an dI've dated people I've worked with and always regretted it. But, if you are into sex only sorts of things and you think he'd be into that, go for it...just know what you're getting into.

 

Good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...
lipglossboost

The next time you find yourself thinking he's so great, think about this ... how would you like to be the unknowing girlfriend, 6 months down the road when he's screwing around with someone else? Doesn't sound so great now, does he?

 

My advice? Get Out .... NOW

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  • 2 weeks later...

I worked in an office where there were several personal relationships and I have to say...I never saw anything good come of it. However, I don't think that's really the most important issue here. You said the man has a girlfriend. I can't think of a better reason NOT to go there.

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  • 1 month later...

First off, he's a coworker, secondly, he's living with a former girlfriend. I can almost predict the way things are going that you will end up having sex with this guy, and falling in love with him, and he'll decide to get back with the woman he's living with. It happens sooo often. My sister dated a guy from work who was also living with an ex-girlfriend and her child. Even when he had the opportunity to get his own place, he stayed there, helping this other woman out. My sister couldn't even call his place because of the other woman (even though they weren't together). Bad deal. At least wait until this guy is out on his own and is recovered from all previous attachments before thinking about taking the relationship to the next step.

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Do casual office affairs ever NOT end in tears??

 

Sometimes they do (that is, not end in tears). If I were you, I'd use that analytical mind you possess and do a risk/benefit balancing analysis. Weigh and list the pros and cons of having sex with this guy who, I understand, is living with his girl friend.

He sounds like a player. But then, aren't most men. At least he's single.

 

But if you're attracted to him either as a sexual partner, or romantic partner, and are willing to risk your reputation, credibility and self-esteem for the promise of hot sex, by all means go for it. It's not like either of you is married.

 

The best case scenario: you and he fall in love, have a discreet office romance, great sex and he dumps his girl friend for you. Your office mates attend your wedding. :)

 

The worst case scenario: you fall in love with him, he strings you along for quick and bad sex; your office romance is discovered and co-workers begin complaining about paramour discrimination; both of you get negative evaluations for creating office discord; your co-workers look at you as a hussy for coming between this guy and his girl friend (rightly or wrongly, the other woman gets blamed) and he drops you like a hot potato. And everyone in the office, but you, is invited to his wedding to his girl friend.

 

It's your choice: Roll the dice.

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  • 1 month later...

I hate to have to say this to you, but it is entirely possible that you have *already* been spotted by a coworker in the makeout sessions. I had a lover of many many yrs ago at work and we did just that - made out madly - I fell deeply in love - long story , but do want to say you might already have been "outed".

 

It is really embarassing, but remember, alot of people are just goingto be jealous of something great you have.

 

BTW, my relationship didn't just end in tears but complete and total heartbreak, so - beware!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt! Oh yeah, it is fun, exciting and dangerous. BUT it has to end. I learnt the "office romance" lesson the first time and got out. You ask if they all end in tears; most of them do, especially under the circumstances you mention.

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