Stand up for myself or not?

[Lauriebell82]

I have this coworker who is verbally abusive towards me. For the first time a few days ago I stood up to her. I said "Please don't speak to me that way, I don't appreciate it." She was a little surprised but continued to argue with me and added "don't talk to me that way." Her tone was much different though. I have always just been very very nice to her hoping she will stop, but alas she does not. Actually, things have gotten worse. I don't know if she told my supervisor about the convo, but she (my supervisor) hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm questioning my decision though. Surprisingly the last few days, she hasn't been as rude to me. She was a little controlling, but not abusive as usual.

 

So did I do the right thing here? By the way, my supervisor knows all about it (her abusing me) and doesn't seem to care or do anything to stop it.

[desertIslandCactus]

I have this coworker who is verbally abusive towards me. For the first time a few days ago I stood up to her. I said "Please don't speak to me that way, I don't appreciate it." She was a little surprised but continued to argue with me and added "don't talk to me that way." Her tone was much different though. I have always just been very very nice to her hoping she will stop, but alas she does not. Actually, things have gotten worse. I don't know if she told my supervisor about the convo, but she (my supervisor) hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm questioning my decision though. Surprisingly the last few days, she hasn't been as rude to me. She was a little controlling, but not abusive as usual.

 

So did I do the right thing here? By the way, my supervisor knows all about it (her abusing me) and doesn't seem to care or do anything to stop it.

 

Importantly you have said your supervisor knows about her abusing you.. so perhaps supervisor doesn't want to get in the middle of it and expects the two of you to handle it.

 

I would continue to tell the co-worker where she stands, and if she is on the same level, don't allow the controlling either..

[2sunny]

I have this coworker who is verbally abusive towards me. For the first time a few days ago I stood up to her. I said "Please don't speak to me that way, I don't appreciate it." She was a little surprised but continued to argue with me and added "don't talk to me that way." Her tone was much different though. I have always just been very very nice to her hoping she will stop, but alas she does not. Actually, things have gotten worse. I don't know if she told my supervisor about the convo, but she (my supervisor) hasn't said anything to me about it. I'm questioning my decision though. Surprisingly the last few days, she hasn't been as rude to me. She was a little controlling, but not abusive as usual.

 

So did I do the right thing here? By the way, my supervisor knows all about it (her abusing me) and doesn't seem to care or do anything to stop it.

 

i would more so call it - knowing your truth and being willing to have a voice.

 

i have to say - my actions tell much more than my words. then my words back up my actions. knowing what good balance feels like helps.

 

i don't normally have a need to tell someone not to treat me with kindness... my actions don't leave room for unacceptable behavior - in fact, it moreso encourages positive behavior and reciprocation in others. when, on unusual occasion, a person gets mean - i simply state - this doesn't work for me. i would never, now, think of handing another person THAT much power, as THAT doesn't work for me anymore either.

 

good balance... your truth - and willingness to speak your truth helps.

 

by any chance - does she remind you at all - of you?

[Lauriebell82]

i would more so call it - knowing your truth and being willing to have a voice.

 

i have to say - my actions tell much more than my words. then my words back up my actions. knowing what good balance feels like helps.

 

i don't normally have a need to tell someone not to treat me with kindness... my actions don't leave room for unacceptable behavior - in fact, it moreso encourages positive behavior and reciprocation in others. when, on unusual occasion, a person gets mean - i simply state - this doesn't work for me. i would never, now, think of handing another person THAT much power, as THAT doesn't work for me anymore either.

 

good balance... your truth - and willingness to speak your truth helps.

 

by any chance - does she remind you at all - of you?

 

I guess I'm a target for victimization because I'm so sensitive. It's funny because we both had emotionally abusive mothers, but the abused has manifested itself in different ways. I became hypersensitive and would never say anything mean to anyone, she became tough and mean, basically turning into an emotional abuser herself.

 

I don't feel as though I've done anything to deserve her treatment, but maybe she just preys on me because I am sensitive about it. That's I guess why I tried to stand up for myself, to show her that I'm not going to take her crap.

[2sunny]

I guess I'm a target for victimization because I'm so sensitive. It's funny because we both had emotionally abusive mothers, but the abused has manifested itself in different ways. I became hypersensitive and would never say anything mean to anyone, she became tough and mean, basically turning into an emotional abuser herself.

 

I don't feel as though I've done anything to deserve her treatment, but maybe she just preys on me because I am sensitive about it. That's I guess why I tried to stand up for myself, to show her that I'm not going to take her crap.

 

why don't you simply ASK her? instead of making assumptions - it would help to understand what her perception is - so that you two can come to some common ground about how NOT to make each other upset...

 

ask... you won't know unless you allow her to tell you. it may only require a better awareness and a simple adjustment on your part for you two to work well together with a better understanding about how to be effective without taking things personally.

[Lauriebell82]

why don't you simply ASK her? instead of making assumptions - it would help to understand what her perception is - so that you two can come to some common ground about how NOT to make each other upset...

 

ask... you won't know unless you allow her to tell you. it may only require a better awareness and a simple adjustment on your part for you two to work well together with a better understanding about how to be effective without taking things personally.

 

Ask her why she abuses me you mean? I tried that a few months ago, she denies she even has any problems with me! She told me that she just gets overwhelmed and snaps. I feel like that's not true though, because when I have tried talking to her when she isn't doing work, just chatting, and she is still abusive towards me. Then another coworker comes in and she is very sweet and nice to them. So that makes me think that it IS me that she has an issue with.

[2sunny]

Ask her why she abuses me you mean? I tried that a few months ago, she denies she even has any problems with me! She told me that she just gets overwhelmed and snaps. I feel like that's not true though, because when I have tried talking to her when she isn't doing work, just chatting, and she is still abusive towards me. Then another coworker comes in and she is very sweet and nice to them. So that makes me think that it IS me that she has an issue with.

 

she identifies with something that you do...

 

have you read the book the four agreements ?

 

it's a great little book. it should help. the agreements are: be impeccable with your word - don't take things personally - don't make assumptions - always do your best.

 

if, by engaging with her - you hand her that much power... simply don't engage.

 

keep the exchanges short and to the point. some responses can simply be:

 

yes

no

maybe

thanks for telling me

i'll give that some consideration

that doesn't work for me

let me get back to you on that

 

 

 

see? keep it simple for the least amount of tension.

[Ms. Joolie]

You say she verbally abuses you and is controlling, but what is she actually saying to you that you are reacting over?

 

Every time she says something abusive or controlling to you, is it what she says or is it her tone of voice?

[2sunny]

Ask her why she abuses me you mean? I tried that a few months ago, she denies she even has any problems with me! She told me that she just gets overwhelmed and snaps. I feel like that's not true though, because when I have tried talking to her when she isn't doing work, just chatting, and she is still abusive towards me. Then another coworker comes in and she is very sweet and nice to them. So that makes me think that it IS me that she has an issue with.

 

not to ask her why - but to point out what you DO that makes her react the way she does... then you can consider CHANGE.

 

if nothing changes = nothing changes. once you know how YOU participate that makes her react that way to you - YOU can change YOUR behavior so that it no longer brings her that old response (her anger).

[Lauriebell82]

You say she verbally abuses you and is controlling, but what is she actually saying to you that you are reacting over?

 

Every time she says something abusive or controlling to you, is it what she says or is it her tone of voice?

 

Sometimes it's her tone, sometimes it's her words, sometimes it both. It really just depends. It seems that when I ask her a question or if she is going to see a certain patient I seem to get angry/abusive responses. When I tell her that I'M going to go do something she almost never says anything mean to me, usually just says okay. So it seems that when I tell her info she isn't abusive, but when I ask her questions she is.

 

As far as what I can do to change, she had told me that she gets overwhelmed and that she snaps when I catch her when she is stressed. So I have deliberately avoided her when she looks/acts stressed or overwhelmed and have tried to talk to her when she is just chatting with coworkers and looks happy. But that has STILL illicited nasty responses.

[Kamille]

Can you still do your job effectively, even with her responses?

 

Any way to limit your interactions with her?

 

 

Personally, it sounds to me like you two have "conflicting" work personalities. It's a common occurrence in the work world, and the only way I've learned to deal with it is to focus on the professional relationship. As long as you get the answers you need and she gets the information she needs, you're doing your job. Apart from the necessary courtesy you need to get your job done, there is no reason why you two should force yourselves to get along.

[2sunny]

Sometimes it's her tone, sometimes it's her words, sometimes it both. It really just depends. It seems that when I ask her a question or if she is going to see a certain patient I seem to get angry/abusive responses. When I tell her that I'M going to go do something she almost never says anything mean to me, usually just says okay. So it seems that when I tell her info she isn't abusive, but when I ask her questions she is.

 

As far as what I can do to change, she had told me that she gets overwhelmed and that she snaps when I catch her when she is stressed. So I have deliberately avoided her when she looks/acts stressed or overwhelmed and have tried to talk to her when she is just chatting with coworkers and looks happy. But that has STILL illicited nasty responses.

 

you are making so many assumptions - and taking things personally.

 

stop asking her questions... if that seems to be what sparks the flame.

 

DO your job... do not engage. just DO the job you were hired to do and don't ask anything of her.

 

btw - i have someone at work like this... she is vile - to anyone in her path. i simply DO what my job entails... i DO exactly what she asks - and she leaves me alone. her anger is hers... i do not need to help her grow it bigger by interacting with her unless absolutely necessary... then i simply respond with "ok" or "absolutely" when she barks out her orders... then i DO exactly as i agreed - which is what she really wants anyway.

 

simple... see?

[Ms. Joolie]

You may not like who she is, what she says or how she says it, but don't let that dominate who you are.

 

If you let her dominate your workspace, it's going to look like Groundhog Day everyday at your work. What would it look like if you wouldn't let her phase your workday? Who would you have to be?

[Lauriebell82]

you are making so many assumptions - and taking things personally.

 

stop asking her questions... if that seems to be what sparks the flame.

 

DO your job... do not engage. just DO the job you were hired to do and don't ask anything of her.

 

btw - i have someone at work like this... she is vile - to anyone in her path. i simply DO what my job entails... i DO exactly what she asks - and she leaves me alone. her anger is hers... i do not need to help her grow it bigger by interacting with her unless absolutely necessary... then i simply respond with "ok" or "absolutely" when she barks out her orders... then i DO exactly as i agreed - which is what she really wants anyway.

 

simple... see?

 

I can't always avoid asking her questions though. i do try to limit my interaction with her to the bare minimum. I need to get some info from her sometimes to get my job done and her of me. We don't talk in length or on a regular basis, just in order to get our jobs done. She asks questions of me and I'm always nice and respectful. Maybe I can shorten my questions or ask them in a way that won't illicit an angry response? I don't know how to do that though...

 

You are right that I take it personally when I shouldn't. That's just my sensitivity. It's hard, but it's something I'm working on.

[Lauriebell82]

You may not like who she is, what she says or how she says it, but don't let that dominate who you are.

 

If you let her dominate your workspace, it's going to look like Groundhog Day everyday at your work. What would it look like if you wouldn't let her phase your workday? Who would you have to be?

 

I wish I didn't let her phase me. I'm trying to work on not letting her get to me, but it's so hard because I'm sensitive. I try to consider the source, but it doesn't seem to make me feel a whole lot better.

[Ms. Joolie]

I wish I didn't let her phase me. I'm trying to work on not letting her get to me, but it's so hard because I'm sensitive. I try to consider the source, but it doesn't seem to make me feel a whole lot better.

 

Consider that you are familiar and comfortable with 'being sensitive' in your life. Do you know how attractive that is to your coworker?

 

You will have to choose 'being' someone else with this person. I am not saying to be nasty, ugly or mean. I am saying something like to be strong, assertive, bold, etc.

[2sunny]

I can't always avoid asking her questions though. i do try to limit my interaction with her to the bare minimum. I need to get some info from her sometimes to get my job done and her of me. We don't talk in length or on a regular basis, just in order to get our jobs done. She asks questions of me and I'm always nice and respectful. Maybe I can shorten my questions or ask them in a way that won't illicit an angry response? I don't know how to do that though...

 

You are right that I take it personally when I shouldn't. That's just my sensitivity. It's hard, but it's something I'm working on.

 

is it at all possible you can get this info from another source? look at a file, do research or ask someone else besides her?

 

it may be info you don't need to go to her for...? look for other options...

[Kamille]

LB, what do you want from her and why do you want it?

 

You are sensitive. There's plenty of people in your life who love and cherish you just like that.

 

This is work however. As long as you get all the information you need to do your job, how she acts shouldn't be a factor.

 

There's truth to the adage: "It's not personal, it's business". The work world is filled with people who don't mesh. It's also got it's fair share of a-holes. It's the nature of work. We don't chose who we work with (for the most part). That's why it's always best to leave emotions out of the work world.

[laRubiaBonita]

talk with her only when you are PMS-ing!!!!

 

i know i have (unintentionally) scared some coworkers during a rage of PMS.... and mostly it was my look..... i can manifest an icey evil death stare (i have heard).... i have even scared some past BF's with "The Look".

 

and i am as nice as a butterfly!

[2sunny]

stick to business only... knowing she doesn't intend to be your friend.

 

do not DO any personal talk. that might help too.

[Lauriebell82]

LB, what do you want from her and why do you want it?

 

You are sensitive. There's plenty of people in your life who love and cherish you just like that.

 

This is work however. As long as you get all the information you need to do your job, how she acts shouldn't be a factor.

 

There's truth to the adage: "It's not personal, it's business". The work world is filled with people who don't mesh. It's also got it's fair share of a-holes. It's the nature of work. We don't chose who we work with (for the most part). That's why it's always best to leave emotions out of the work world.

 

I will need to know if she saw one of her patients and if she made a phone call for them. She has her own caseload and I have mine, however because we work at different times, I have to deal with her patients when she is not there. Therefore, I need to know if she has seen them that day and taken care of what they need so I know if I have to or not. It doesn't happen everyday that I need to do that, and thankfully if other people are there I get to ask them about it and I don't even have to talk to her. But there are those days when it's just me and her and we have to communicate and ask questions of each other.

 

I'm thinking I should make my questions possibly shorter, such as "did you see this person?" instead of a more detailed question asking specific info about the patient. It would be nice if she could just tell me in a nice and normal way (as the other therapists do) but it seems as though she can't do that.

[laRubiaBonita]

can you just make up some form for you and her to use in these instances.....

 

have you seen x patient today?

 

did you call?

 

result

 

what follow up if any

 

 

etc......

 

that way you are both doing these reports that should assist with better patient management, especially if there is an abscence of the caseworker AND it is a good paper trail for reference if needed.

[2sunny]

I will need to know if she saw one of her patients and if she made a phone call for them. She has her own caseload and I have mine, however because we work at different times, I have to deal with her patients when she is not there. Therefore, I need to know if she has seen them that day and taken care of what they need so I know if I have to or not. It doesn't happen everyday that I need to do that, and thankfully if other people are there I get to ask them about it and I don't even have to talk to her. But there are those days when it's just me and her and we have to communicate and ask questions of each other.

 

I'm thinking I should make my questions possibly shorter, such as "did you see this person?" instead of a more detailed question asking specific info about the patient. It would be nice if she could just tell me in a nice and normal way (as the other therapists do) but it seems as though she can't do that.

 

write her a note. look in the file. she MUST document it somewhere... it's usually a state law.

 

ask her to write down who she expects YOU to see - what info is needed from that patient from you.

 

just write notes. notes can go into files too... so the documentation is being done just by you two communicating in this method.

[Lauriebell82]

can you just make up some form for you and her to use in these instances.....

 

have you seen x patient today?

 

did you call?

 

result

 

what follow up if any

 

 

etc......

 

that way you are both doing these reports that should assist with better patient management, especially if there is an abscence of the caseworker AND it is a good paper trail for reference if needed.

 

We actually have clipboards where you can mark that you saw the particular patient and made the phone call. Unfortunately, my coworker has a horrible habit of marking the clipboard PRIOR to seeing the patient and making the phone call. Then I think that she has already done it, but then the patient tells me they haven't seen anyone OR had a phone call made for them. So to prevent that from happening, I have tried to ask confirm with her if these have been done so that I know going into the evening.

[2sunny]

"did you see this person?"

 

this is not so helpful...

 

it would make most feel defensive - OR prompt a simple yes or no answer... it doesn't move you to a direction of what is necessary.

 

ask her - "what do you need from me?" OR "how can i be helpful to you?" then let her tell you what she expects you to do.