sexual harassment question

[janet.r]

Hi,

 

A male co-worker of mine (slightly junior to me) has been acting in ways I've found very distressing, but I'm not sure whether his behaviour can be considered sexual harassment.

 

A few months ago, I started inviting him to visit me at home for cups of tea. He cam across as a kind, pleasant, caring and intelligent guy, albeit a bit eccentric, and I soon opened up to him and shared confidences with him, some of them very intimate. As time went on, he started opening up emotionally to me, and often told me how much happiness our friendship was bringing into his life. I have found his emotional intensity unsettling - I have ignored his emotionally expressive text messages - but I've enjoyed his company enough to carry on with the friendship.

 

I am single - and he is married to a very possessive woman who at times can be highly emotionally abusive. I have often advised him to confront her or leave her. He has made it very clear that he prefers my company, and has been seriously questioning his marriage.

 

I have been seeing him several times a week for tea, wine or meals, and we have been sharing more intimately about our lives. I have told him how everyone I ever trusted emotionally has betrayed me.

 

All these months I had been trusting him as a friend, but a few days ago he very awkwardly admitted he has been deeply in love with me all this time, and has been struggling to keep his infatuation to himself. This totally freaked me out - I feel angry, used, betrayed, manipulated.

 

A day later I told him in no uncertain terms that I find this admission insensitive and professionally inappropriate, that I find his presence in the workplace distracting and disturbing, and that I would be much happier if he found another job.

 

Even though he has kept it above the waist at all times, and never even come close to making any kind of sexual advance, I really do feel harassed.

 

His admission rang serious alarm bells for me, since everyone I've ever let in has hurt me. My question is - can his behaviour be considered sexual harassment? Do I have a strong enough case to refer to human resources, or even prosecute him? Or could I be over-reacting? How can I possibly work with this guy again? He freaks me out. One of us has to leave!

 

Thanks in advance if you can help

Janet

Edited November 1, 2010 by janet.r
forgot something

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't see anything in what you typed as sexual harassment. You have let this guy into your life on a very personal basis. It sounds like he just admitted falling in love with you. Should that be a shock all things considered? Sexual harassment is usually when someone receives unwanted advances or is the object of some kind of coercive sexual power play. It seems you gave him plenty of reason to think it was OK to express his feelings about you. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it appears that you turned on him--acting as if you had no part in encouraging him to be more than a co-worker. Male and female co-workers don't spend time together in their homes and share their intimate thoughts unless they have something going in the way of a relationship. Considering that he's married and you knew it, shouldn't you take some responsibility in playing with this emotional fire?

 

Unless there's more to the story that you didn't say, he's no more guilty of "harassment" than you are guilty of entrapment. Oh, and welcome to LS, I think.

[denise_xo]

My question is - can his behaviour be considered sexual harassment?

 

No. You initiated the friendship and spent time with him several times a week, you allowed it to go emotionally intimate as you confided in him, and you decided to carry on the friendship even after you saw some warning signs that he might be emotionally involved. That he subsequently confided his emotions in you can in no way be viewed as sexual harassment.

 

Do I have a strong enough case to refer to human resources, or even prosecute him?

 

Based on the information you've shared here, I can't see that you have a case at all.

 

Or could I be over-reacting?

 

Yes, you are. I would say your reaction is a bit out of the ordinary.

 

How can I possibly work with this guy again? He freaks me out. One of us has to leave!

 

 

You initiated something beyond a professional relationship by inviting this man to your home, seeing him socially several times a week, and talking about things that are not work related. If you can't deal with the current consequences of that to the extent that you can't work with him, then you should be the one looking around for another job. I'm a bit surprised, though, that it's not possible for you to resume a professional relationship with him.

 

I would recommend that you have a fresh look at what caused your strong reaction to this, because I really think you are 'experiencing' sexual harassment where there is none.

 

Good luck!

[spiderowl]

You invited this man into your home, on many occasions, and have spent hours and hours discussing things one would only reserve for a close friend at the very least. I think you must be naive to think he would interpret that as you just being a friend. As far as I can see, the difference between a friend and a potential lover is the amount of time we spend with them and how much of our deepest emotions and experiences we are willing to share with them. I know full well that if I start sharing these kinds of things with a guy, and in private in person, that at some point he's going to think I'm looking for more than friendship.

 

In his eyes, you are willing to spend lots of private time with him. You talk to him about almost everything and you have encouraged him to spent alone time with you. That, I would venture to say, it tantanmount to inviting a guy into an intimate relationship with you. Why do all this if you don't want him to get emotionally involved with you? If he gets emotionally involved and happens to find you physically attractive, then he will definitely want more.

 

It just seems bizarre to me that you invited him to be close and involved and then effectively beat him about the head when he confesses that he has feelings for you. How can you even think of claiming that he's sexually harassing you when, if what you've said is true, all he's done is tell you he has feelings for you? If you didn't intend him to get involved 'in that way', then you need to back off from him and tell him you're sorry but you think of him just as a friend. If he then keeps bothering you and pestering you, despite your telling him you are not interested, then avoid him and tell him once again you are not interested and ask him to leave you alone. If he persists and makes sexual approaches after that and at work, then you may have a case, but not unless he goes against your clearly expressed wishes that he keep away from you.

 

I think you need to understand that while it might be ideal to have a male friend who is only interested in being a caring, listening friend, most males are not like that. The more you invite them to spend one-to-one time with you and pour out your feelings to them, the more they'll think you want a relationship with them and that means a lover.

 

I'm just baffled really. In what way have the guys you have let in always betrayed you? How has this guy betrayed you? As far as I can see, he's being pretty normal for a guy. He's been a friend, listened, spent time with you sharing, got to know you, and now he wants to be more. Why is that a crime? Are you afraid of letting him in or do you want him out now? I'm confused as to what you wanted from him in the first place. Maybe a female friend would have been a better choice if you just wanted someone to talk to.

[D-Lish]

You can't enter into a mutual friendship with someone from the workplace, invite them over to your home, encourage them to leave their wife, then cry sexual harrassment and not hold yourself accountable for leading him on.

 

This is a consequence of your own actions.

[NotKelly]

You have absolutely no grounds for sexual harrassment here. This is a private, off-work relationship (one that YOU initiated, I might add) and you cannot simply demand to have someone fired because your friendship with him didn't work out - nor can you term his presence in the workplace as "harrassment" just because he said he had feelings for you.

 

As for your question "Can I prosecute him," I really don't know what to say to that. I suppose you could bring a civil lawsuit against him, but I can't imagine you would win it. (How can you prosecute/sue someone for falling in love with you? Only if he exhibited stalking behaviors you MIGHT be able to get a court order of protection, but it doesn't sound like he's doing that.)

 

You already know the answer: if he doesn't decide to leave the job, you're the one who needs to leave the job.

 

PS, another word of advice: Think twice again before having a close private friendship with a married man. Never a good idea. Keep it public and polite.

Edited November 6, 2010 by NotKelly

[BlackLovely]

I don't see anything in what you typed as sexual harassment. You have let this guy into your life on a very personal basis. It sounds like he just admitted falling in love with you. Should that be a shock all things considered? Sexual harassment is usually when someone receives unwanted advances or is the object of some kind of coercive sexual power play. It seems you gave him plenty of reason to think it was OK to express his feelings about you. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it appears that you turned on him--acting as if you had no part in encouraging him to be more than a co-worker. Male and female co-workers don't spend time together in their homes and share their intimate thoughts unless they have something going in the way of a relationship. Considering that he's married and you knew it, shouldn't you take some responsibility in playing with this emotional fire?

 

Unless there's more to the story that you didn't say, he's no more guilty of "harassment" than you are guilty of entrapment. Oh, and welcome to LS, I think.

 

Well said, J.

The OP reminds me of women who kiss men and grind on them, then get offended when the man wants to reciprocate.

If the OP did not want such closeness with a colleague, she should not have invited him to her place, or out for meals. It is almost like she is dating a married man, since he's kvetching about his abusive wife.

Stop sending mixed messages!

[light2]

So, you guys are friends, and get together outside of work. He says he has fallen in love with you and you want to get him fired?

 

I hope i never come across a friendship like this.

[FilthMerchant]

You have lead him on. What do you think you are communicating to him by inviting him to your house where the two of you can be alone and share 'confidences' and 'intimate' details of your lives with each other?

 

You continued to see him, after he 'made it very clear that he prefers my company' and 'has been seriously questioning his marriage' based on his interactions with you. If you did not realise at this point or before it that this was more than a normal friendship (to both of you) it is your own fault.

 

He feels 'in love', that's all. He never made any advance. How this makes you feel used, betrayed or manipulated is beyond me.

 

What is insensitive is your callous disregard for him. What is professionally inappropriate is inviting him to your house and pouring out all of your emotions on to him and telling him to leave his wife. He more than likely feels distracted and disturbed by the subject of his one way infatuation, so why don't you leave?

 

He isn't responsible for what's happened between you and other people. You're definitely overreacting and need to step out of your own head to view this whole scenario from a more realistic perspective.

 

As another person pointed out you seem like the kind of person to lead others on to the point of action only to act offended. I wonder if this is a pattern in your life that explains the 'everyone I've ever let in has hurt me' (this happens in intimate relationships, by the way, it's a risk everyone takes). It reminds me of 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne. Read that book

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi,

 

A male co-worker of mine (slightly junior to me) has been acting in ways I've found very distressing, but I'm not sure whether his behaviour can be considered sexual harassment.

 

A few months ago, I started inviting him to visit me at home for cups of tea. He cam across as a kind, pleasant, caring and intelligent guy, albeit a bit eccentric, and I soon opened up to him and shared confidences with him, some of them very intimate. As time went on, he started opening up emotionally to me, and often told me how much happiness our friendship was bringing into his life. I have found his emotional intensity unsettling - I have ignored his emotionally expressive text messages - but I've enjoyed his company enough to carry on with the friendship.

 

I am single - and he is married to a very possessive woman who at times can be highly emotionally abusive. I have often advised him to confront her or leave her. He has made it very clear that he prefers my company, and has been seriously questioning his marriage.

 

I have been seeing him several times a week for tea, wine or meals, and we have been sharing more intimately about our lives. I have told him how everyone I ever trusted emotionally has betrayed me.

 

All these months I had been trusting him as a friend, but a few days ago he very awkwardly admitted he has been deeply in love with me all this time, and has been struggling to keep his infatuation to himself. This totally freaked me out - I feel angry, used, betrayed, manipulated.

 

A day later I told him in no uncertain terms that I find this admission insensitive and professionally inappropriate, that I find his presence in the workplace distracting and disturbing, and that I would be much happier if he found another job.

 

Even though he has kept it above the waist at all times, and never even come close to making any kind of sexual advance, I really do feel harassed.

 

His admission rang serious alarm bells for me, since everyone I've ever let in has hurt me. My question is - can his behaviour be considered sexual harassment? Do I have a strong enough case to refer to human resources, or even prosecute him? Or could I be over-reacting? How can I possibly work with this guy again? He freaks me out. One of us has to leave!

 

Thanks in advance if you can help

Janet

 

 

 

This should be a permanent post at the top of the "dating" category here at Loveshack.

 

Guys simply have no use for what women see as "pure friendship" between them. Had this example been limited to the work environs, then it would be a case where male/female friends had been caused by job environment to interact as friendly acquaintances, but when it went to the woman's HOME (for heaven's sake) then it should have been obvious that the married-and-abused guy wanted her sexually.

 

Sexual harrassment is repeated and unwanted (usually in the workplace or school, or in another environment where both parties are caused to be by outside factors)

 

When a woman invites a man to her home "several times a week", she cannot claim sexual harrassment. YET if he is "slightly junior to her" in the workplace, perHAPS he can...