My new co-workers do nothing but CHAT all day...

[NotKelly]

I started a new job (within the same company, I accepted a transfer to a different department) a couple weeks ago. Moving from a very small, quiet office to a larger, more "social" one, I knew I would have a challenge fitting in because I'm not a real talkative person, particularly not in groups. That wasn't the surprise about my new job.

 

The surprise is the sheer amount of chatting that goes on daily in the office. I'm not exaggerating when I say these folks leave their desks and gather round the watercolor (or in each other's offices) a good half hour out of every hour, on some days, and just talk and joke about nothing in particular. It does go dead quiet for intervals in between, but soon they're all blabbing amongst themselves again.

 

Don't get me wrong: they all seem very nice, and funny, and when I do manage to speak up and join in, they pay attention and laugh just like they do with anything anyone else says. But I'm just not a serial chatter, I can only manage to join in a couple times each day, and I always feel like I am not participating enough or am seeming unfriendly to them (even though the amount of time they spend talking seems really excessive). I'm shy, so it's a real effort for me to jump in, though I have been trying very hard. I just don't feel the need for constant socializing the way they do; I don't need to be constantly hanging around someone else's desk. (And if I don't jump in to the group chat, nobody comes and talks to me one on one about anything, or even says hello.)

 

Because they talk so very much, over the last week or so I've learned an incredible amount of detail about their private lives... but almost nothing about the new work I'm supposed to be doing as part of this team. (I have duties left over from my previous position so, at least I can work on that and try to keep busy.) They never seem to talk about what they're working on, although I know they must be working on stuff.

 

It's not like I want them to shut up... I am pretty good about concentrating and tuning out noise when I need to get something done. I am just worried that they still don't know anything about me (do they even care?), and I have no way of injecting anything real about myself into their conversations. They all seem to know each other real well, and I feel like a stranger with no chance to really connect. I need to have some relaxed one-on-one chats with people once in a while (not just about work, but just friendly talk), not this constant merry group free-for-all...

 

Has anyone else been in this situation?

[Perhaps]

I started a new job (within the same company, I accepted a transfer to a different department) a couple weeks ago. Moving from a very small, quiet office to a larger, more "social" one, I knew I would have a challenge fitting in because I'm not a real talkative person, particularly not in groups. That wasn't the surprise about my new job.

 

The surprise is the sheer amount of chatting that goes on daily in the office. I'm not exaggerating when I say these folks leave their desks and gather round the watercolor (or in each other's offices) a good half hour out of every hour, on some days, and just talk and joke about nothing in particular. It does go dead quiet for intervals in between, but soon they're all blabbing amongst themselves again.

 

Don't get me wrong: they all seem very nice, and funny, and when I do manage to speak up and join in, they pay attention and laugh just like they do with anything anyone else says. But I'm just not a serial chatter, I can only manage to join in a couple times each day, and I always feel like I am not participating enough or am seeming unfriendly to them (even though the amount of time they spend talking seems really excessive). I'm shy, so it's a real effort for me to jump in, though I have been trying very hard. I just don't feel the need for constant socializing the way they do; I don't need to be constantly hanging around someone else's desk. (And if I don't jump in to the group chat, nobody comes and talks to me one on one about anything, or even says hello.)

 

Because they talk so very much, over the last week or so I've learned an incredible amount of detail about their private lives... but almost nothing about the new work I'm supposed to be doing as part of this team. (I have duties left over from my previous position so, at least I can work on that and try to keep busy.) They never seem to talk about what they're working on, although I know they must be working on stuff.

 

It's not like I want them to shut up... I am pretty good about concentrating and tuning out noise when I need to get something done. I am just worried that they still don't know anything about me (do they even care?), and I have no way of injecting anything real about myself into their conversations. They all seem to know each other real well, and I feel like a stranger with no chance to really connect. I need to have some relaxed one-on-one chats with people once in a while (not just about work, but just friendly talk), not this constant merry group free-for-all...

 

Has anyone else been in this situation?

 

That. is such an AWESOME place to work. The environment sounds so .. awesome. I've been in situations like that and the only thing you can do is.. build your network slowly. I mean, these people have known each other for a long time, I assume. So, it'll take you some time to merge with how things are done in that place. This is the perfect place to talk your shyness off, it seems. I wouldn't worry too much about it. They know you're new and you need some time getting to know everyone and stuff. I would give it ~2 months for you to start becoming one of them. Your one on one chats will slowly allow you to get to know people and soon you can join in! But yeah, don't feel bad about not talking as much as they do. As long as you maintain friendly relations, that's good

[OpenBook]

Because they talk so very much, over the last week or so I've learned an incredible amount of detail about their private lives... I am just worried that they still don't know anything about me (do they even care?), and I have no way of injecting anything real about myself into their conversations.

 

It's a good thing they're nice! With all that talking they do, it would be a nightmare if they were catty and backstabbing. (And really you don't know that yet anyway.)

 

I think it's a blessing that your shyness has prevented you from sharing intimate details about yourself. The way that group operates, everybody would know about it in 5 seconds flat. And once they know, there is no escape from it.

 

I would just continue being nice to everybody (no exceptions!) - kindness will get you noticed more than anything else - but I would be VERY careful what you share about yourself.

 

Most people are quiet when they start a new job - it's actually a sign of maturity. You have to get to know the company culture, how they do things, what the most important things are to them, etc., not barge in like a bull in a china shop - no, the best way for a new employee to become acclimated is to be quiet and do a lot of listening! So you're actually doing the right thing already, IMO.

[NotKelly]

Thanks for the responses. When I was 20 years younger, I might have taken this situation the wrong way and would have totally hated it because I'm an introvert, but I realize I have to slowly work my way into the office culture. I'm trying to think of this as a long-term project. It's just that I'm not used to socializing as being part of my "work" that I have "work at"... However, there's more of them than there is of me, so I have to change how I do things.

 

There is a slight age difference. The core group of my new co-workers (the sub department I was assigned to... there are about 20 people all told in the office who I also see every day) are sort of early 30somethings with kids, mostly guys. I'm probably 10 years older. However, I'm sort of used to feeling like an oddball because I'm a single woman with no kids, so that's not really a huge problem.

 

But, I find that the people who are hardest for me to get a word in edgewise with, are the very people I'm supposed to be working with... so far they seem to take very little notice of me and have little use for me. The guy who approached me about joining the department is never around. I'm still waiting for some work-related interactions beyond the initial transition meeting I had with them 2 weeks ago. They moved me down to their suite so quickly that I didn't imagine it was going to be like this.

 

I'm trying to see this as, "Well, my new co-workers don't know me very well and don't know anything about me, so they don't know how to approach me," but since they seem to communicate everything through informal hangout chat sessions all day which I'm not very good at, I'm currently stumped at how to help move this along.

[Tayla]

We each enjoy the camaraderie of work , sounds that you consider work a productive environment and adhere to such. Good for you!

 

The primary goal of work is to complete tasks, assist when need be and show up . You are meeting those goals every day. I admire introverts ...they absorb things, use it to the good and have a keen sense to stay away from foot in mouth disease.

[NotKelly]

Well, thanks... but some days (like today) I come home feeling totally out of place and defeated.

 

I mean... if you had a new co-worker joining your department... wouldn't you have at least said "hi" to them after two weeks? Or at least "So, what did you used to do in your other department?" Or strike up a conversation with them or something?

 

I don't want to start developing a negative attitude after keeping up such a good front, but this is starting to feel weird, and not in a good way. I'm starting to not feel welcome. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently again, but I'm starting to think "It's not me, it's them," and I really didn't want to start thinking that because I know it isn't very productive. I feel like every day I have to try and make a connection with them and it feels like it's harder than it ought to be. I know I'm not an extrovert, but I feel like I've made better connections with the people in the suite that I don't actually work with.

 

Help... I really don't want to give up so quickly.

Edited October 18, 2010 by NotKelly

[Cee]

I was in a chatty workplace once. I never joined in the group watercooler discussions b/c I was too intimidated. And they went on for 30-45 minutes. But I would visit people's offices with some lame excuse and then end up talking to that person for 20 minutes. I ended up making individual friendships with 3 people there. And I never once did the group discussions. Maybe if you find a way to let people get to know you and you might feel more welcome.

 

Eating lunch with people works too. And risking lung cancer by smoking works as well, but I don't recommend it.

[NotKelly]

Maybe if you find a way to let people get to know you and you might feel more welcome.

Well, that was my original question. How do people get to know me if I never get a chance to talk to them?

 

I'm new... and it's hard for me to just bust into someone's personal space and make up a lame excuse to talk to them.

 

I don't want to sound so whiny... I just had a bad day. I feel like my previously positive constructive attitude is going right out the window. I know, I know, I know. In an office full of people who bust into each other's cubicles and assemble mass chats, the person who doesn't bust into other people's cubicles is suspect. But you know, it would be nice if just once someone knocked on my door, like they all seem to be doing with each other.

 

I never joined in the group watercooler discussions b/c I was too intimidated.

Actually, sometimes I can do this just fine. In fact, I try to do this once every day. But these chats assemble so quickly that sometimes I can't join in (sometimes I am doing actual work).

 

I did come from another department where people usually didn't waste time chatting and often had seriously busy deadline oriented work to do. Maybe that's part of the culture shock. It's really kind of a playground in this new office, and I'm just not a playground kind of person. Hopefully people will judge me by my work.

 

Well, I've been stuck on playgrounds before and I somehow managed to survive. I was hoping to thrive here, but I'm starting to feel like it's just going to be about survival again.

Edited October 19, 2010 by NotKelly

[Els]

I really, honestly had no idea that it was deemed acceptable to be chatting 50% of the time rather than working. Is this supposed to be a good thing?

[Tayla]

One leads thru example, you are a leader and I can say for one thing, you are there to complete task, additional team support is a bonus. Stick with what you do best, you seem to enjoy your job and the transistion itself. Its their true loss if they havent gotten the social etiquette to include you or at the last be friendly in the workplace. I am not a fan of water cooler chats, its counter productive to tasks at hand, and I get paid to Work not to chit chat. But that comes from old school ethics of earn what you get.

 

A brief day events never harms as a conversation opener- Here in my area its about local sports or new construction , climate changes or even hopes of vacation plans. One can open the conversation and let it go as far as it need be and still be work productive.

 

I know how it seems lonesome when things are unwelcoming, you will find your nitch and when you do I bet you will be pleasantly surprised that people will come to you for advise or just to say how do you. Look how you got folks to respond and be supportive of you here! Its a good thing. Remember that when at work.

[LoveAintEverything]

I would just keep working hard and once in a while go and chat a bit and one day someone will realize that you are hear to work, not to joke around all the time..

[NotKelly]

well today at least we had a departmental meeting (for once) and a semi-luncheon thing. That helped, a little bit. I guess they were forced to talk to me there. :-)

[Norville_Rogers]

I would just keep working hard and once in a while go and chat a bit and one day someone will realize that you are hear to work, not to joke around all the time..

 

 

I'd listen to this advise. If I were the manager there...there would be some strong talks to my team about getting paid to work....not chit-chat. I've had to do this with where I work now and we wound up letting a bunch of people go because of the lack of production from them. They were good workers (when they worked), but they just spent more time talking than working. Keep in mind that the economy is not the best right now and people are being let go daily because businesses are finding out that they're spending more money on people to socialize than they are to benefit the company. Sorry to sound like a downer...but there's a real world out there. And the more that you show to your boss your value...the better.

[NotKelly]

Well, it's Day 17 and nothing has really changed, despite my trying to do a little bit each day to fit in...

 

...and now I guess I know why. Apparently the director of the division has not really explained to anyone why I've been moved there. The department I used to be at is in the slow process of being phased out (which I've known for a long time), so apparently I was "body snatched" by this division director and quickly moved, with the intention of being a backup for various tasks (which I was OK with)... except he didn't really sit down and talk to his team about it, apparently.

 

This explains a lot, particularly why one person in particular there doesn't seem to want to give me the time of day. Today, I overheard him talking to the others in the group (you can hear absolutely everything in that office) and while I'm trying not to read too much into it, I heard him say "I don't want anyone to be my backup, I like my job just fine" (he recently was promoted) and he's even writing a letter to the director to say this.

 

This is so stupid. While I don't have any formal training in what they do there, it's not like I wouldn't fit in (work wise) and learn quickly. I have been using the long stretches of nothing to do, to try and shadow-learn stuff and I have been making progress. (since I can overhear everything they are talking about when they DO talk about work stuff, and it's not foreign to me) I took the initiative, even made small updates on the website (consulting with them, of course to make sure it was OK - it was stuff they said they didn't have time to do) and offering my help whenever possible, which isn't much , because no one ever talks to me and yes, I have tried to talk to them but after a while when nothing ever comes of it, you just feel stupid.

 

The director never comes down there and I have even taken to stalking the halls trying to find him and (politely) ask "WTF?"

 

It's kind of a relief to know it's not me - it's them - but that doesn't make it any easier, especially since I like working for this company and thought this job would be a way to up my skills.

 

At least I'm getting paid for this experience. But having this insight about the situation, it's going to be really hard for me to keep trying to fit in here. Fortunately I am still doing work for my old department (going back there is out of the question, the department is being phased out, there's no future in it) so I can get my mind off my disappointment with the entire situation.

 

So. I'm not wanted (or rather, the guy who wanted me has just left me there to languish), I'm not ready to find a new job yet (going to back to school is way too expensive and impractical), and I have to try and make this work somehow. I didn't think I would be in this job for a long time, but I didn't think it was going to be like this after just a few weeks. It's so frustrating, I feel like I could have done well here if they had just given me a chance. But it seems like this director does not have a good rapport with his team.

[WowReally]

I used to work with a group much like you're describing. It was cute in the beginning however it got old for me very quickly as a couple of the people that were chatters were also very lazy. The person who was supposed to be the sr rep for our group was just absolutely clueless despite the training and courteous refreshers we would give her.

 

One of the other people who had been there longer than any of us loved to chat on the phone and to anyone that would listen face to face. Drove me batty!

 

It was a long 6 month assignment with those two and I can't say I miss the two people that just couldnt carry their weight.

[NotKelly]

Well, it's Day 19 and sadly I have to concede: I'm now past the stage of wanting to try to get to know these people, and just want to learn how to deal with them. Which involves being as friendly as I can be, but... every day I get a new earful of what this department is really about (do they realize I'm listening?), and today I allowed myself to come to terms with reality: They're not interested in me (personally or professionally), they're not going to let me in the club, and I should probably stop trying. Am I being too quick to judge?

 

I'm sad about this. It seems to be a very disorganized department, no firm hand at the top, although I know these people do good work that I would like to learn more about... they're probably not going to show me stuff unless I grit my teeth and hang in there longer. I guess I have to prove that my force of personality is just as strong as theirs.

 

When I was younger I probably would have not understood any of this right away, but I'm kind of proud it took me only 19 days to figure it out.