Don't dip your pen in the company ink? Good policy?

[ShadowBlue]

Should I relax my own rules a bit?

 

I've always had this rule of "don't dip your pen in the company ink" but lately I had a heck of an opportunity that basically fell right into my lap (pun - that didn't physically happen but it might as well have). This girl at work admitted to me a few weeks ago that apparently she likes me in that way. I responded positively but kept it at that because I didn't want to wreck our friendship or close the door to any opportunities (no, I didn't say that friendship part at all). I kind of like her as well but not enough to explore that *yet* and that could change later because I've wondered about her in that way - we're still friends so it leaves the opportunity open for later.

 

My question is- should I relax my rules a bit or keep doing what I'm doing and find love outside the workplace like I've been working on? Don't workplaces frown on inter-office romances developing? I know from experience that they can turn pretty bad and I don't want that as a result of a decision I made. It seems my luck is turning around in the dating department and I don't want to throw away a perfectly good opportunity as well.

 

I'm just wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing by not going for it as I've seen inter-office romances that have worked out well. Although, in my experience that tends to be in the minority. I'm confused and looking for some advice on this. Thanks!

[Krytie TV]

Even though we worked different shifts, I found my current wife and soon-to-be mother of my children at work. It was the first time I dated a coworker. I'm 36 and it is the best relationship I have ever had. So, I guess don't dismiss someone just because you work with them.

[reservoirdog1]

Check with your company's HR department -- as I understand it, some forbid it and some are fine with it, as long as it doesn't negatively affect the work environment.

 

Even if it's okay with the company, tread a bit carefully -- if things between you and her go south, you're stuck having to interact with each other every day unless one of you quits.

[whichwayisup]

Even though we worked different shifts, I found my current wife and soon-to-be mother of my children at work. It was the first time I dated a coworker. I'm 36 and it is the best relationship I have ever had. So, I guess don't dismiss someone just because you work with them.

 

Go for it. As long as this isn't a boss/employee kind of sitation. Just take it slow and don't announce to everyone you two are dating. Keep things quiet until you both are comfortable and ready to let others know.

 

Oh and keep things on the straight and narrow at work, and professional.

 

Certain professions have many couples, more because of the hours put in and the type of work.

[whichwayisup]

Even though we worked different shifts, I found my current wife and soon-to-be mother of my children at work. It was the first time I dated a coworker. I'm 36 and it is the best relationship I have ever had. So, I guess don't dismiss someone just because you work with them.

 

Hey, I had no idea! Congrats to you and your wife.

 

Sorry to jack the thread abit off topic..

[amerikajin]

Having romantic attraction to a co-worker is less than ideal, because if the relationship goes south then it affects the ability to work together as part of a team. The problem is, when people work together and there's sexual attraction involved, it's difficult to control our urges. I've dated or sought to date co-workers, and yeah, it's sometimes uncomfortable, but I have no regrets. I was fortunate that I and all of my past co-workers were mature enough to put petty differences aside, which is not always the case. I say go for it, but just be aware that things can go south.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I have had to deal with this decision in the past (not on my current job, but when working for a previous employer). I had become very close friends with a female co-worker. We were very different in many ways, but we always enjoyed talking in the office, about politics, religion, family, and all sorts of things. I trusted her, she trusted me, and we could talk about anything.

 

One day, she basically offered herself to me, in a reasonably direct way. I was very tempted. The thing was, I had been placed in a quasi-supervisory role over her (although she did not "report" to me, per se and I did not write her performance reviews), and I had also been promised a promotion (she was about 3 years behind me in career track, even though when she hired on, we had the same title). My promotion ended up not happening later due to cutbacks (in fact, I was actually laid off when the economy started going south after 9/11, as was she), but I didn't know that was going to happen at the time, and I didn't want to screw anything up. I didn't directly reject her, but didn't act on her advance either.

 

We still worked very well together, and remained friends, but somehow not as close after that. I often wonder if I shouldn't have just acted on her (very direct) advance, and done what to a large extent I wanted to do. Of course, I was very career-minded at the time, and I applied a version of the "Don't dip your pen in the company ink" rule, as I always had in the past.

 

I still tend to think this is a good rule, if career is what is most important to a person, but I admit that for some time I did wonder what would have come of that situation (other than the obvious - I mean long-term) had I made the other choice. The safest thing to do for your job and career prospects is to observe this rule religiously.

 

Sometimes, however, you have to think about what is really most important. If there is a really awesome person who you are attracted to, who just happens to be a co-worker, it may be worth the risk. As others have said, do whatever you do with your eyes open, and understand that if it eventually goes south (and let's face it, many relationships eventually do), your job may be negatively impacted as a result.

 

If it works out, then you will need to either be upfront about it with all of your other co-workers, in which case management (depending on the company and type of job) may insist that one of you transfer or quit, or you can keep it a secret, in which case both of you will get to live a lie daily at work. If it doesn't work out, there is a good chance it will be a mutual civil breakup and both of you will behave as adults. If this is the case, then the only negative impact is you will have to work with your ex - all day - every day, until one of you transfers or quits. If it is a nasty breakup (in my experience these are actually uncommon), where the other person ends up wanting to hurt you for any reason, expect to lose your job.

 

In the end, you just have to weigh the possible options, benefits, and consequences, and make the best decision you can.

Edited July 15, 2010 by WithOrWithoutYou

[cavedweller]

Shadowblue,

 

Don't put your meat where you get your bread...my 2 cents

[Fight4Me]

You said your luck was turning around in the dating department, so I take it that this girl is not your only prospect. To be honest, your description on how you feel about this person seemed more on the lukewarm side of things.

 

Based on those two things, I would advise you to hold off on the dipping. What if you two have a few dates and then she decides she doesn't like you going out with anyone else? In such a circumstance, it would be a nightmare to have to trudge into work and deal with those sorts of awkward moments, to say nothing of the rumor mill.

 

If you worked different shifts or in different departments, and/or she was someone who knocked your socks off in every way, I might suggest giving it a go. As it stands now, your original rule should remain intact. JMHO

[norajane]

I kind of like her as well but not enough to explore that *yet* and that could change later because I've wondered about her in that way - we're still friends so it leaves the opportunity open for later.

 

No, you don't start a work relationship if you only "kind of like her". You have to really be into her; otherwise, it will end in disaster.

 

Also, you aren't going to get a chance to explore this later. Now that she's said something, you have to make a decision now. And if you put her off, she'll move on to someone else and her crush on you will fade. She isn't going to wait around for you to date other people and then at some point maybe possibly get around to her.

[Gattica]

No, you don't start a work relationship if you only "kind of like her". You have to really be into her; otherwise, it will end in disaster.

 

100% agree.

 

I am only about a month out of a break up with a coworker and though we are keeping things professional, it is VERY tense and awkward. Thankfully, we kept things under wraps and no one knew we were seeing each other.

 

It is very difficult having to see and deal with them on some level 5 days a week. It is also difficult because I was very much hurt/disrespected by this person, yet it is very easy to fall back in to the old routine of how light and carefree we used to be with each other at work. I don't want to give an impression of being ok with what happened between us, because I am not. I am trying to keep it strictly professional, but as I stated it is easy to go back to the old rountine because it comes so naturally and I am that way with a lot of the people I work with.

 

Anywho, my advice is to look outside of work because it is very difficult to move on if things do happen to go south.

[Feelin Frisky]

I have had to deal with this decision in the past (not on my current job, but when working for a previous employer). I had become very close friends with a female co-worker. We were very different in many ways, but we always enjoyed talking in the office, about politics, religion, family, and all sorts of things. I trusted her, she trusted me, and we could talk about anything.

 

One day, she basically offered herself to me, in a reasonably direct way. I was very tempted. The thing was, I had been placed in a quasi-supervisory role over her (although she did not "report" to me, per se and I did not write her performance reviews), and I had also been promised a promotion (she was about 3 years behind me in career track, even though when she hired on, we had the same title). My promotion ended up not happening later due to cutbacks (in fact, I was actually laid off when the economy started going south after 9/11, as was she), but I didn't know that was going to happen at the time, and I didn't want to screw anything up. I didn't directly reject her, but didn't act on her advance either.

 

We still worked very well together, and remained friends, but somehow not as close after that. I often wonder if I shouldn't have just acted on her (very direct) advance, and done what to a large extent I wanted to do. Of course, I was very career-minded at the time, and I applied a version of the "Don't dip your pen in the company ink" rule, as I always had in the past.

 

I still tend to think this is a good rule, if career is what is most important to a person, but I admit that for some time I did wonder what would have come of that situation (other than the obvious - I mean long-term) had I made the other choice. The safest thing to do for your job and career prospects is to observe this rule religiously.

 

Sometimes, however, you have to think about what is really most important. If there is a really awesome person who you are attracted to, who just happens to be a co-worker, it may be worth the risk. As others have said, do whatever you do with your eyes open, and understand that if it eventually goes south (and let's face it, many relationships eventually do), your job may be negatively impacted as a result.

 

If it works out, then you will need to either be upfront about it with all of your other co-workers, in which case management (depending on the company and type of job) may insist that one of you transfer or quit, or you can keep it a secret, in which case both of you will get to live a lie daily at work. If it doesn't work out, there is a good chance it will be a mutual civil breakup and both of you will behave as adults. If this is the case, then the only negative impact is you will have to work with your ex - all day - every day, until one of you transfers or quits. If it is a nasty breakup (in my experience these are actually uncommon), where the other person ends up wanting to hurt you for any reason, expect to lose your job.

 

In the end, you just have to weigh the possible options, benefits, and consequences, and make the best decision you can.

 

"Dipping your pen in the company ink" is something that relates to things like officers and maybe daughters of the business owner or some other such high level configuration. (people worry that if one goes to a competitor but the other remains, there may be exchanges of sensitive info to advance both their positions at the expemse of one or both compnaies). If you and the object of your affection are just employees--even quasi supervisory ones, you're not really in a position to conspire to do things that may hurt the company. I think those rules are what companies worry about: high level authority making favoritism decisions that advance careers based upon personal relationships, all the way up to manipulation of perceptions, even sabotage and stuff like that.

 

I was a supervisor at a wire transfer operation in a major NY bank but though I carried the title of "division head", I was not on the "A" team as a hand picked officer but was instead on the clerical roles. I had an affair with someone not under my supervision and we thought it best to keep it a secret for as long as we could just to avoid nosy people. It created a lot of extra excitement and intrigue and we'd slip each other notes to meet in 5 minutes in the cloak room or w/e where we'd mug it up. It's a pleasing memory I treasure and there were no real consequences that we worked so close to each other.

[threebyfate]

Check with your company's HR department -- as I understand it, some forbid it and some are fine with it, as long as it doesn't negatively affect the work environment.

 

Even if it's okay with the company, tread a bit carefully -- if things between you and her go south, you're stuck having to interact with each other every day unless one of you quits.

I fully agree with this advice. It covers both angles of employee guidelines and the personal risk.

 

I've dated people from work in the past but never within the same chain of command or close physical proximity. Be careful who you select since if the other person is "all about drama", expect that it will be an "all about drama" breakup.

[SakenPT]

Even though we worked different shifts, I found my current wife and soon-to-be mother of my children at work. It was the first time I dated a coworker. I'm 36 and it is the best relationship I have ever had. So, I guess don't dismiss someone just because you work with them.

 

 

Does she like Red Dwarf too?

 

 

 

Anyway: my opinion is, try to be discreet, i knew a couple that were dating in a company and no one knew about it!

[cavedweller]

Once again I warn everyone here:

 

Don't put your meat where you get your bread.

[Norville_Rogers]

Once again I warn everyone here:

 

Don't put your meat where you get your bread.

 

I second this notion.

[thegoodlife]

I agree that you should look into your company's policy regarding coworkers dating. If you do decide to move forward with this, tread carefully.

 

I've dated 2 coworkers in the past; one of which ended smoothly and stayed professional, the other resulted in him being transferred and my eventual departure from the company. And the latter was someone I knew and was friends with for 8 years outside of the company...sometimes you don't know how someone will respond to a break up and how malicious they can be.

[Odyssey]

OP, from my personal experience last year - i wouldn't recommend it...

...then again you'll just never know until you try. It's a risk alright. But if it all goes poo poo, i'm sure you'll survive and eventually heal as i did.