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What do women at work want?


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What do women really think of married guys at work?

I've developed friendly relationships with women at work only for it to get to the point where all we say is a 'Hey' as we pass by in the hallways.

It seems they develop an utter distain for me and I can't figure out why because I'm always really nice (and truly mean it). At first it's never like that. They're very talkative and kinda flirty. After a while things just get weird. I'll admit I'm not always the great conversationalist. Sometimes I can have an off the wall great conversation and other times I'll be at a total loss for words. I think what happens is I get stuck in neutral conversationally since I'm not sure which direction our relationship is going.

 

I've been married a long time, not happily I might add, but I've never cheated. My question is, what do these women expect from me?

Are they mad because I don't always initiate a great conversation every time I see them and they take it the wrong way? Are they mad at me because they think I'm being overly flirtatious when they know I'm married? Or are they really interested and 'give up' on me because I'm not taking the initiative? Bear in mind what I said above. At first they are talkative and kind of flirty.

 

I'll admit, I suck at reading signals. What am I doing wrong?

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always_searching

Hi Giantfan63, and welcome to loveshack!

 

Well, as a single girl who has worked with (and still deals with) married men, I can tell you my own experiences.

 

First of all, let me state that I don't often flirt with married men. There is one that I currently have a crush on, but I just keep trying to go to confession and remind myself that he's married. *sigh* It doesn't work. I probably sound like a crazy person, but I'll really miss him after I leave in May. Okay...enough about me, and back to your question:

 

If I am "flirty" and actually trying to flirt (some girls may just be acting "nice" and men misconstrue it as "flirting"), and he gives me no feedback, then I assume he isn't interested and may stop acting so friendly. It's not because I don't want to be friendly, but I feel as though maybe he thinks I've crossed a line and doesn't want to talk to me, so I just stop initiating conversation.

 

If I'm am "flirty" and actually trying to flirt and he responds well, but never initiates anything, I would just flirt harder until he did. ;):p

 

If I am just being nice and the guy misconstrues that I am flirting (this is more often what happens), and starts hitting on me, I go absolutely cold, especially if he has a sleazy manner about him. :sick:

 

If someone (male or female) doesn't know how to converse, I often won't initiate conversation, as it can be a little (or a lot) awkward.

 

So, from what you've discribed, I would assume that either these girls just assume you aren't interested and are off limits, since you're married, so they aren't putting in much effort to initiate conversation with you; or, your inability to converse makes them uncomfortable. Judging on your post, you don't seem to be "sleazy", but I couldn't say without meeting you.

 

Anyway, why not just go up to some (or all) of these girls and chat, if you're interested in them as friends? Initiation usually works well for most women. :)

Edited by always_searching
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I'm not sure which direction our relationship is going.

Boy, are you ever reading way too much into these things. There ARE no relationships - these women are probably doing nothing more than being professional and friendly. There is *no* relationship.

 

I've been married a long time, not happily I might add, but I've never cheated. My question is, what do these women expect from me?

The expect you to be polite, friendly, and non-threatening.

 

Are they mad because I don't always initiate a great conversation every time I see them and they take it the wrong way? Are they mad at me because they think I'm being overly flirtatious when they know I'm married?

They are probably picking up on your obvious discomfort and over-reading all of this. Just be yourself. You are in a relationship and are not looking for anything but the fact that you are analyzing this is easily perceived as someone who is freaky.

 

At first they are talkative and kind of flirty.

I'll admit, I suck at reading signals. What am I doing wrong?

Again, I think you are reading into "talkative and flirty." They are just being women and because you have been tied into a marriage, you just don't see how other women just ARE.

 

What you are doing wrong is thinking about someone other than your wife in a sexual manner -- which seems obvious to me that is what you are doing.

 

Women at work are WORKING and being human beings. Just treat them like you would treat the guys and anyone you work with. We are all human beings.

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What you are doing wrong is thinking about someone other than your wife in a sexual manner -- which seems obvious to me that is what you are doing.

 

Yea, I guess subconsciously I am from being in an unattentive marriage for so long. Not to make excuses, but so do many other unhappily married guys who some women feel it's alright to get with as long as they find him attractive, and if they don't, he's a sleaze. Why is that? There always seems to be that double standard. There are affairs that go on all the time at my job, but I don't pursue because I care too much about what other people think of me. I always have. I don't want to risk being labeled at work, and if I'm not sure of their intentions (which is 100% of the time), I back off altogether.

 

I guess deep down I want what every other unhappily married guy wants.

 

Why do some people get to have their cake and eat it too? :confused:

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I guess deep down I want what every other unhappily married guy wants.

 

Why do some people get to have their cake and eat it too? :confused:

 

What - you want to have an affair to get your rocks off, hurt your wife, and potentially end your marriage?

 

Instead of investigating what women at work think, why don't you go into marriage counseling to figure out what your wife thinks or file for divorce so that you can "have that cake." What is the point of purposefully deceiving your wife just for sex -- you don't have enough dignity to end your marriage because you are unhappy?

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always_searching
Yea, I guess subconsciously I am from being in an unattentive marriage for so long. Not to make excuses, but so do many other unhappily married guys who some women feel it's alright to get with as long as they find him attractive, and if they don't, he's a sleaze. Why is that? There always seems to be that double standard. There are affairs that go on all the time at my job, but I don't pursue because I care too much about what other people think of me. I always have. I don't want to risk being labeled at work, and if I'm not sure of their intentions (which is 100% of the time), I back off altogether.

 

I guess deep down I want what every other unhappily married guy wants.

 

Why do some people get to have their cake and eat it too? :confused:

 

Two things:

 

  1. When I spoke of some married men who hit on women as "sleazy", I wasn't referring to the fact that they are married--that would be hypocritical. I was referring to the manner in which certain men (married or single) approach women i.e. like they are a piece of meat. These men also often can't take "No" for an answer. It's a disgusting attitude for anyone to have, regardless of their relationship status.
  2. So, by your most current post, I'm assume you originally approached these women expecting something sexual to occur? If you approach a woman with the hope of merely sex, it usually comes across in your interactions. So, whether or not they initially found you attractive, you may very well have come off as "sleazy" if you approached these women hoping to get laid.

Regarding #2, I have some advice for you: you ought to talk to your wife. Let her know how you feel.

 

Since, however, you're clearly glorifying affairs and you seem pretty determined to have one, I'll dispense with the lessons in morality and tell you that women like confidence--learn how to hold conversation, for starters. Secondly, women like men to take charge--so, if you're flirting and hoping for them to take the initiate, don't hold your breath. Thirdly, women (most women, anyway) like to feel special i.e. not like a piece of ass. So, when you approach women, make them think that you care about them, not that you are only interacting with them so you'll get laid.

 

Again, I hope you choose to work out things with your wife--it is the morally best thing to do. If, however, you choose to have an affair, I hope you at least genuinely care about the girl you are decide to have an affair with, and not just use her for sex.

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Woman In Blue
I guess deep down I want what every other unhappily married guy wants.

A divorce?

 

Good news - they're easily attained. Rather than creeping out the female population at work (which you're obviously doing), clean your front porch instead. Not happy? Either fix it or get a divorce. It's very obvious that you're giving off a "creep factor" to these women - that's why they eventually start to avoid you as you claimed in your original post. Married men on the make looking for a cheap thrill are a dime a dozen - hell, they're a nickel a dozen, they're so common.

 

Stop trying to play in your own backyard at work. You're either going to get fired for it, or have a sexual harrassment suit filed against you. Jeez, go to the local bar and hit on a floozy if you're that desperate for strange.

 

Why do some people get to have their cake and eat it too? :confused:

Wow, you're feeling quite deprived aren't you? Your desperation shows loud and clear to your female peers at work.

 

And lastly, you ask "what do women at work want?" They want to be treated with respect like ANY coworker does. They don't want some mouth breather leering at them or acting like a tongue-tied hormonal teenage boy when he gets around them.

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Chrome Barracuda

Bottom line is you should talking to these women at work. Your gonna ruin your life. stop and have boundries!!!!

 

The only woman friend you should have is your wife, why are you searching out emotional entanglements with other women anyways???

 

WTF is wrong with you?

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I don't 'come on' to women at work the way you think. It's not that way.

Don't get the wrong impression. I'm not actively pursuing an affair, although parts of what I said made it sound that way.

I'm very grounded and down to earth. I'm not one of these guys who tries to grope on women at work, and I don't make inappropriate comments.

I'm merely trying to find out why things turn out the way they do. I do have a couple of lady friends at work that I go out to lunch with who I'm not attracted and there's no problem at all with conversation. Actually, I don't do anything different with them vs the one's I am attracted to, or I don't think I do anyway.

 

I don't know. Maybe may unhappiness at home shine's through in a way I'm not consciously aware of.

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You may not come on to them, but if THEY think you are and they know you're married, it can change how well they respect you.

 

I can remember dealing with men at work I knew were in relationships and being friendly with them. The moment I got a whiff of interest out of them, I shut them out. It is possible I misunderstood them or their real interest level, but I wasn't taking any chances.

 

It can be as simple as letting them know you are not exactly happy in the marriage. That can come off wrong and it is a bit too personal of info for the office. It leaves the person you disclose the info to wondering "what am I suppose to do about it?" Work mode is one where you are solving problems. Someone shares a problem they are having while you are in problem solving mode can leave you with the impression they expect you to do something to help them with the problem.

You go to work as a married man, sure. But leave your married problems at home.

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BTW....my wife has had at least 1 affair that I know of, but she never sought a divorce. I never let on that I knew. I know it sounds like revenge, but it's not. I'm just looking for the confidence in knowing I'm capable of being with someone else so I can pursue that divorce.

She did a great job completely annihilating my self confidence and worth.

 

Just out of curiousity, how many of you ladies are, or were married?

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I'm married.

 

Why not just get that divorce before finding someone else? No one wants to be that carrot for you. No one worth your time anyway. ;)

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Just out of curiousity, how many of you ladies are, or were married?

 

I am divorced. My husband didn't have the balls to be honest with me before banging someone else (but, in my case, he was banging other guys).

 

And now, I can't tell you how often I get hit on by married men who are looking to get a little a** because they are in unhappy marriages. All I want is a single, AVAILABLE gentleman; not a player.

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You go to work as a married man, sure. But leave your married problems at home.

 

I know a couple of ladies at work that complain about their husbands all the time. Whether or not they'd have an affair I don't know, but if they're that unhappy that they talk to other people at work you'd think it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. Married people mess around all the time at work. How are these people getting together if all women think like this? Nobody in here has friends who've had affairs? Do you give them understanding or ask them WTF is wrong with them?

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I am divorced. My husband didn't have the balls to be honest with me before banging someone else (but, in my case, he was banging other guys).

 

And now, I can't tell you how often I get hit on by married men who are looking to get a little a** because they are in unhappy marriages. All I want is a single, AVAILABLE gentleman; not a player.

 

 

I'm not a player by any stretch. If you knew me you'd see I'm the complete opposite. I'd probably fall in love for sure. I'm just someone who wants to know there's someone else out there who's willing to be with him before he says goodbye to the only person in his life he's ever known, even though he knows she can't stand him. It IS a self confidence issue.

I know that. This is what happens when you're in a sh**** marriage for so long.

 

BTW....At least in your case you could laugh at the fact that he turned out to be a homo. You could bust on him for that to make yourself feel better. Something tells me it would bother you a lot more if it was another woman.

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I know a couple of ladies at work that complain about their husbands all the time. Whether or not they'd have an affair I don't know, but if they're that unhappy that they talk to other people at work you'd think it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. Married people mess around all the time at work. How are these people getting together if all women think like this? Nobody in here has friends who've had affairs? Do you give them understanding or ask them WTF is wrong with them?

 

Not all women think like this. When I said you're married and should leave your marriage problems at home, I am speaking from my own views of professionalism. And I don't feel it should only apply to men, those complaining women need to hush up too.

 

I don't have friends who've had affairs. I've HAD friends who had affairs. It is a strong character flaw IMO and in the past, when I've dealt with people who have this kind of character, I also noticed it wasn't just their spouse they'd screw over, but anyone they the could find a motive for to do it. All it takes is having something they want and what they want is always changing.

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I think you might be projecting and their behaviors have nothing to do with you.

 

One day, when I feel like being friendly and workload is light, sure, I chit chat with people or even responded to lunch meeting or have coffee with male colleagues.

 

Another day, I am just not in the mood of being friendly, work gets busier, home life is busy too so I just don't have time for little chats here & there.

 

I do that with men and women. What's frustrating for me is that sometimes, I just smile very friendly to some guys at work and then they think I want to have an affair with them or interested on them while in all honestly, I just love to smile esp if I am having a good day.

 

 

There used to be some guys who always put lunch or coffee break in my calendar. I stopped not because I think they are coming on to me or something, it's just that I prefer to have coffee breaks with my other female colleagues cause then we can do girly chats/gossips.

 

Nothing personal, I don't think it has anythign to do with you at all.

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What - you want to have an affair to get your rocks off, hurt your wife, and potentially end your marriage?

 

Instead of investigating what women at work think, why don't you go into marriage counseling to figure out what your wife thinks or file for divorce so that you can "have that cake." What is the point of purposefully deceiving your wife just for sex -- you don't have enough dignity to end your marriage because you are unhappy?

 

 

Hey Carrie, I have to ask you this question.

What's worse, someone who wants to cheat because they're truly unhappy with their marriage or someone who says they're happy and wants to cheat just because they're hot for someone at work and wants to get it out of their system? I saw HappyGirl1234's post and while most people don't condone it, several seem more sympathetic to her situation.

I actually got a 'WTF is wrong with you' from one poster for fantasing about women at work. HappyGirl is obviously not as happy with her marriage as she is letting on if she's looking to have an affair, but I didn't see one person tell her she should go to marriage counseling. Also, not one person who commented on my post commented on HappyGirls post telling her she shouldn't do it. I'm just a little curious about that.

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I'm not a player by any stretch. If you knew me you'd see I'm the complete opposite. I'd probably fall in love for sure. I'm just someone who wants to know there's someone else out there who's willing to be with him before he says goodbye to the only person in his life he's ever known, even though he knows she can't stand him. It IS a self confidence issue.

I know that. This is what happens when you're in a sh**** marriage for so long.

 

BTW....At least in your case you could laugh at the fact that he turned out to be a homo. You could bust on him for that to make yourself feel better. Something tells me it would bother you a lot more if it was another woman.

 

 

Of course there are other women out there who would be interested in you. The women you work with are not because they know you are married and most smart people don't sh-t where they eat. If you want to see if another woman is interested go to a bar and not your job. However, what you really need to do is come clean with your wife that you know she had an affair. You are holding resentment towards her about the affair and you need to get it out. Go to marriage counceling. You should tell your wife you feel like having an affair. Shake things up in your marriage and get to the root of the problem.

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Of course there are other women out there who would be interested in you. The women you work with are not because they know you are married and most smart people don't sh-t where they eat. If you want to see if another woman is interested go to a bar and not your job. However, what you really need to do is come clean with your wife that you know she had an affair. You are holding resentment towards her about the affair and you need to get it out. Go to marriage counceling. You should tell your wife you feel like having an affair. Shake things up in your marriage and get to the root of the problem.

 

It wouldn't work. I don't have actual proof, like pictures, conversations, etc., only actions and changes in behaviors over the years both in and out of bed that were a dead give away. The only thing I have conversationally that I saw was an IM conversation between her and her sister where she said 'I love men too, even though I'm married'.

 

Take that as you will.

 

She would deny any marital affairs up and down and come back with 'so you want to have an affair because you think I did?' It would turn into a fight of epic proportions.

 

I could see that blowing up in my face and I would be made out to be the bad guy. It was proven and I did catch her in the act having an affair with my best friend before we were married. I found out because HE told me.

Even with him present in front us she still had the gall to lie about how many times they were together. She is a compulsive liar and always has been. When I mean compulsive, I mean someone who seriously needs to see a psychoanalyst. My best friend (the guy she cheated with) was the same way. Even his own mother made him see the school psychologist because of it. She likes to push the envelop and see how much she can get away with because she thinks I don't have the balls to walk.

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She thinks I don't have the balls to walk.

 

So why don't you just walk and start with a clean slate instead of all this subterfuge and talk of affairs? Why do you want to live with someone who lies compulsively?

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It wouldn't work. I don't have actual proof, like pictures, conversations, etc., only actions and changes in behaviors over the years both in and out of bed that were a dead give away. The only thing I have conversationally that I saw was an IM conversation between her and her sister where she said 'I love men too, even though I'm married'.

 

Take that as you will.

 

 

You are right you have no proof that she ever had an affair since you two have been married. I think you are making excuses for what you really want to do which is have an affair. Why are you still with your wife if she is a compulsive liar who never gives you any affection? Do you have children?

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So why don't you just walk and start with a clean slate instead of all this subterfuge and talk of affairs? Why do you want to live with someone who lies compulsively?

 

Jeez, I sympathize.

Edited by Helicon
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