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Tired of creep in work


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Sorry, this is a long one!

First off some background, I'm temping in a multinational company and am there a number of months now.

 

There is a guy in our office who is a little strange, to say the least. He asked me out for drinks months ago and I said no, as I was busy. I am not at attracted to this guy and anyway I had a boyfriend. I am friends with some of our mutual coworkers and he likes to tell them all these stories about girls he likes. The guy has no social skills whatsoever and we would try to give him advice because he is attracted to anything with a pulse but is so bad socially that he never has a girlfriend (he's in his 30s so has had plenty of time to live in the real world). We noticed that some of the things he said were a little creepy but we just laughed it off because we figured he has so few social skills he probably meant well.

I thought it was all a bit of fun and I used to chat to him on our office's IM program, just about rubbish.

However the messages began to get a little too familiar. I barely knew the guy and he started asking me could we go somewhere alone as he wanted to talk to me alone about a girl he likes. I barely knew him and although talking to him about these girls was fun with the others, I didn't want to become his personal agony aunt. I said no, I was busy. He'd then ask if we could discuss it over drinks after work. I said no, I was busy. He kept asking and I just started saying no, period. As he was so adamant we go off alone together (and he always specified "alone", I raised the question of why couldn't he say it over IM and he said he was worried the messages would be recorded and someone could read them. Fair enough I thought.

However the messages began getting more and more frequent. He's ask me out several times a day, I would always say no. I would be trying to do my work and I'd be getting this stream of crap. One time in person, he asked me for my private mobile number and I said no. He asked for it again twice during the remainder of the conversation, and still I said no.

 

At this point he had told our coworker friends that he really liked a girl in the office but she kept saying no when he asked her out. They told him to leave her alone as he may be making her feel uncomfortable.

I was getting tired of the messages and I was beginning to get really tired of his insistence that we should go off alone together. I was unaware of him telling my friends that he was hitting on a girl in the office and I told them that he was sending me messages constantly asking me out. I didn't want to officially complain to management so I asked them to have a word with him. They did, and told him that I was not interested and that he should not pursue co-workers like that as it is not professional and that some girls would consider it sexual harassment. He admitted that the girl he liked was me and they told him that I was not interested and to leave me alone. His excuse was "oh sometimes she says she's busy, I thought she was just busy" and they told him that "busy" is just politeness and that as I was repeatedly "busy" and never suggested another time, "busy", along with my frequent "no"'s, meant just that- "No".

They even brought up the subject in front of me- "So X do you understand that when a girl like Y (me) says no, that means no?".

Obviosuly he didn't listen because he remained as bad as ever. I was really, really feeling uncomfortable at this stage because by now he was standing really close to me when he spoke to me, and he kept staring at me. My friends told him again to leave me alone because if he did something like this to the wrong girl he could be reported.

About 5 minutes later I was talking to one of my friends at my desk, it was 5pm and we were just chatting before leaving the office. He came over to my desk in a huff and asked could we talk outside alone. I told him no, I was talking to my friend. He asked again, and I told him no, I was busy. He asked several more times and I kept saying NO. My friend told him to leave me alone and he said "Fine, I'm not going to speak to any of you again" and stormed off.

At that stage I decided to block him from my IM/email as I do not deal with him professionally and I really was well and truly tired of the messages. For the next 2 weeks he blanked me and my friends (who he has to deal with directly) and would just leave files etc on their desk without saying a word.

The other day I was in the canteen and he came in and apologised for making me feel uncomfortable. I decided to try and be professional so i just said OK. However it seems he now thinks we should be "friends" again. I make minimal small talk with him because he gives me the creeps. Today I was near his desk and said hello to someone near him. When I passed him he was standing up. He looked at me but I just kept going. I was talking to a co-worker at the other side of the office for about 10 minutes about a spreadsheet and for the entire conversation this guy was standing at his desk, staring over at me, across the entire floor. Needless to say this gave me the creeps.

 

At this stage if he keeps this stuff up I am going to report him. I really don't want to, because he could easily just say he was just being friendly and I'm being hostile to him. Also, these things have a habit of becoming the scandal of the office and I don't want to be part of that. Obviously a few people already know, but only because I told them. I don't want to be the girl that guys are afraid to talk to in case she reports them for harassment! But I'm really sick of it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but he was told 3 times not to pester me and his response was to come to my desk and... pester me. Even someone with the worst social skills should know that No means NO.

Because I am worried that it may end up being my word against his, I have actually unblocked him from the IM/email. This is so that if he starts sending me more messages, I can tell him in writing that he is making me uncomfortable. That way at least if I do report him and he denies it, I can show my manager in black and white that I told him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. Has anyone got any advice? Sorry for the long post!

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I personally dislike IM immensely because it's invasive and gives people the impression that you're available all the time. It is particularly bad for a guy like this who obviously has mental problems. Don't unblock him - he'll just think that you've changed your mind about talking to him.

 

The next time he asks you out or to be alone with you or any other variation of that, ask him quiet pointedly and in an angry tone, "Which part of 'no' do you not understand exactly?" And don't even wait for a response - walk away. Right after that, send him an email - from your company email account - and say something simple and to the point, such as this:

 

"I have asked you numerous times to stop asking me out and to stop asking to be alone with me. Please understand that I do not want to go out with you and I cannot be your friend. All conversations between us need to be business-related only. If you cannot honor this request, I will feel obligated to report you to management because I feel harassed. Please do not put me in that position. I'm sure you're a nice person but it is imperitive that we keep our relationship on a professional level only. I'm not kidding about this so don't try to read between the lines and think there's more to what I'm saying. Also, please do not respond to this email. Thank you for your understanding."

 

If he utters one tiny peep out of line, report him. Do not hesitate. This guy is potentially dangerous and you need to take seriously the fact that he could harm you. Do not go places where you're alone and vunerable - like the parking lot after hours. Make sure people are around you as much as possible. It would be good if some people you work with know what's going on so that they can keep an eye and ear out for you. They can also vouch for you if you end up reporting him. Again, don't blow this off as something insignificant. This guy is living in his own world and that makes him a loose cannon. You have no idea what he's capable of but you're instincts are kicking in for a reason. Don't let yourself get in fear - just remain alert and don't give him any reason whatsoever to engage you in any conversation beyond work.

 

I was stalked by a guy once and after I was really afraid for about a week, I finally got pissed off. That's when I spoke to a police officer. She told me to write a letter letting him know that he was harassing me, and she said to make it unemotional and to the point. She said to not engage him in conversation - good or bad - because all he wanted was my attention. And he didn't care if that was positive or negative attention. I learned a lot from her and never forgot it. Once I wrote him that letter, he went dead quiet. I never heard from him again.

 

The other thing the stalker did that might be of interest to you is that when I disconnected my answering machine at home, he resorted to leaving messages on my phone at work. And that was the clincher because once he did that, my company got involved. They were limited as to how much they could assist me (he wasn't an employee of the company) but they were able to search his background and give me information. That made me feel really good. And I told him in the letter that my company was involved. Ultimately, I put the fear of God in him and he didn't anticipate me getting pissed or beign pro-active. He wanted me to be in fear and to back down. Don't let this guy do that to you. Between the police and the company I worked for, I finally stopped this guy in his tracks.

 

Don't worry about being a nice person with this guy, and don't hesitate to do whatever it takes to put an end to what he's doing to you. He's banking on you being nice and tolerant. Surprise him.

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I would prefer not to say where I am from so I can remain as anonymous as possible. Where I'm from has absolutely nothing to do with the topic.

 

No worries, mate.

 

This is about your situation, not where you are from - even though you say its rubbish. I would definitely tell him to piss off, less he continue to socialize with you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Short and to the point.

 

So you've got this bloke in your office in his 30's with no social skills, whose akward - let's talk about him. What does he do for fun?

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No worries, mate.

 

This is about your situation, not where you are from - even though you say its rubbish. I would definitely tell him to piss off, less he continue to socialize with you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Short and to the point.

 

So you've got this bloke in your office in his 30's with no social skills, whose akward - let's talk about him. What does he do for fun?

 

I don't honestly know. He doesn't have any friends from what I can tell. He's a violin instructor in his spare time but that's all I know.

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I don't honestly know. He doesn't have any friends from what I can tell. He's a violin instructor in his spare time but that's all I know.

 

So you don't really know alot about this bloke. Do you live near him?

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You guys talked about rubbish?

 

Are you English? Silly question, but that's not a slang word used in any region of the U.S.

 

Thanks to the internet, tv, massive international business, and the influx of English people in our U.S. culture (and vice versa), Americans are picking up a lot of terms that were once only used by the English. I hear them quite often. If a person uses one or two terms that sound English in a post, it could easily be anyone. Even, say, someone who's from France or Germany who learned English from both Americans and the English. It's funny when you think about the influence of our amped up communications all over the world. I love it.

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So you don't really know alot about this bloke. Do you live near him?

 

No, I don't know much about him. I tried not to ask too many questions because any chat of evening activities would bring up more date suggestions. Yeah he does live near me, maybe a 10 minute walk.

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No, I don't know much about him. I tried not to ask too many questions because any chat of evening activities would bring up more date suggestions. Yeah he does live near me, maybe a 10 minute walk.

 

Let's dust off that thing between our ears, what is it called, hair I believe...

 

How do you think violin instructors gain students?

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Let's dust off that thing between our ears, what is it called, hair I believe...

 

How do you think violin instructors gain students?

 

Based on the way she describes this guy, he's doing more than trying to get a client. He's bad news and she needs to squash all interaction with him immediately.

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Let's dust off that thing between our ears, what is it called, hair I believe...

 

How do you think violin instructors gain students?

 

I have never ONCE shown any interest in learning to play the violin. I only know about him teaching it because someone else mentioned it in passing.

Do you think harassing someone for a date is an acceptable way for a violin instuctor to gain a student?

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Based on the way she describes this guy, he's doing more than trying to get a client. He's bad news and she needs to squash all interaction with him immediately.

 

What I find interesting is that she says "he is attracted to anything with a pulse" :laugh:

 

and knows nothing about the guy other than that he lives close and is a violin instructor.

 

Therefore, the OP is putting herself in the category of "anything with a pulse" both in appearance and in intellect...

 

Ultimately, I agree. If she's offended by this guy's creepiness, then she should cut contact.

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What I find interesting is that she says "he is attracted to anything with a pulse" :laugh:

 

and knows nothing about the guy other than that he lives close and is a violin instructor.

 

Therefore, the OP is putting herself in the category of "anything with a pulse" both in appearance and in intellect...

 

Ultimately, I agree. If she's offended by this guy's creepiness, then she should cut contact.

 

The impression I got from what she said is that he's attracted to anything with a pulse, but he has settled his attention on her. That's why he's dangerous. There's no reason for her to know anything more about him than what people around the office talk about.

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the OP is putting herself in the category of "anything with a pulse" both in appearance and in intellect...

 

I certainly would not like to be in the category of "anything with a pulse".

 

If all you're going to do is pick apart my words (oh wow, we've a non-American among us!) then please leave the posting of replies to people who might want to be helpful.

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The impression I got from what she said is that he's attracted to anything with a pulse, but he has settled his attention on her. That's why he's dangerous. There's no reason for her to know anything more about him than what people around the office talk about.

 

Yes that's spot on Angel. I don't want to know much about him either, ignorance is bliss and what I do know about him creeps me out.

You should hear him talk about girls. He analyses everything in a way that is really creepy.

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I think the comments are unproductive also and I don't really get the point of them.

 

You'reasian: I should've said it another way. I think he's dangerous because he has decided that she's special. She's probably pretty and nice and he sees her as somebody he'd like to be with. Instead of being just another 'pulse' that he's attracted to, now she's been singled out.

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Citizen Erased
I certainly would not like to be in the category of "anything with a pulse".

 

The amount of attention he is giving you, I doubt that is the case.

 

"I have asked you numerous times to stop asking me out and to stop asking to be alone with me. Please understand that I do not want to go out with you and I cannot be your friend. All conversations between us need to be business-related only. If you cannot honor this request, I will feel obligated to report you to management because I feel harassed. Please do not put me in that position. I'm sure you're a nice person but it is imperitive that we keep our relationship on a professional level only. I'm not kidding about this so don't try to read between the lines and think there's more to what I'm saying. Also, please do not respond to this email. Thank you for your understanding."

 

was a really good suggestion and I hope you follow it.

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Yes that's spot on Angel. I don't want to know much about him either, ignorance is bliss and what I do know about him creeps me out.

You should hear him talk about girls. He analyses everything in a way that is really creepy.

 

That's why you need to be careful. These are the kind of guys who kill women and say that if they couldn't have them, no one else would, either. He's sounds very mentally ill.

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I think the comments are unproductive also and I don't really get the point of them.

 

You'reasian: I should've said it another way. I think he's dangerous because he has decided that she's special. She's probably pretty and nice and he sees her as somebody he'd like to be with. Instead of being just another 'pulse' that he's attracted to, now she's been singled out.

 

Please.

 

A guy who teaches violin has the gift of music. He's not going to waste time trying to hook up with the office bimbo (and I'm not saying that the OP is this, since I don't know). If for instance, I could play excerpts from Vivaldi's Four Seasons on violin, I would center my social life around that - not around some office chick who wears too much makeup and maintains the cultural depth of a puddle.

 

Muscians seem to be beautiful people, sometimes on the inside and out.

 

That's a rareity. I wish I could say I was a musician.

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Citizen Erased

This is true. Yoshi is Japanese, if I'm not mistaken.

How about you actually respond to the problem and not keep trying to figure out where the OP is from, it has nothing to do with anything. It's incredibly unhelpful and rude.

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Please.

 

A guy who teaches violin has the gift of music. He's not going to waste time trying to hook up with the office bimbo (and I'm not saying that the OP is this, since I don't know). If for instance, I could play excerpts from Vivaldi's Four Seasons on violin, I would center my social life around that - not around some office chick who wears too much makeup.

 

Muscians seem to be beautiful people, sometimes on the inside and out.

 

That's a rareity.

 

Do you just have it in for this person or what? Your posts are very personal and somewhat insulting. You're making a lot of judgements that you don't know anything about. And, you can't really be serious by saying that if he's a musician then he must be mentally stable? Seriously???

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That's why you need to be careful. These are the kind of guys who kill women and say that if they couldn't have them, no one else would, either. He's sounds very mentally ill.

 

You would not believe his lack of social skills. I mean, my friends told him to leave me alone, this is the workplace not a pick up joint and that what he is doing is harassment. What did he do? Come over to my desk, persistently demand to speak to me "alone outside" and refuse to leave.

That's what creeped me out- what if I was in a nightclub and he decided to touch me, and decided he wasn't taking "no" for an answer?

When he was talking about all these girls that he was going to ask out (he refers to them as "options" and "prospects"), we raised the point with him that he had no idea if any of these girls were interested in him and that this is something he should establish before pursuing somebody. He cannot comprehend the fact that not every woman is a "prospect" and doesn't give a crap if his attentions are wanted or not. When he asked for my phone number and I said no, his response was to ask again, and he got quite indignant about it. He seems to think he is entitled to pursue women no matter what.

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Please.

 

A guy who teaches violin has the gift of music. He's not going to waste time trying to hook up with the office bimbo (and I'm not saying that the OP is this, since I don't know). If for instance, I could play excerpts from Vivaldi's Four Seasons on violin, I would center my social life around that - not around some office chick who wears too much makeup and maintains the cultural depth of a puddle.

 

Muscians seem to be beautiful people, sometimes on the inside and out.

 

That's a rareity. I wish I could say I was a musician.

 

I have already reported your unhelpful, insulting and seemingly racially motivated posts (what seemed to draw your attention was the fact that I might not be American- how shocking! Even your username mentions race).

 

Please stop derailing my thread.

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And, you can't really be serious by saying that if he's a musician then he must be mentally stable? Seriously???

 

I did not make that claim - that's your irrational assumption, Angel.

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You would not believe his lack of social skills. I mean, my friends told him to leave me alone, this is the workplace not a pick up joint and that what he is doing is harassment. What did he do? Come over to my desk, persistently demand to speak to me "alone outside" and refuse to leave.

That's what creeped me out- what if I was in a nightclub and he decided to touch me, and decided he wasn't taking "no" for an answer?

When he was talking about all these girls that he was going to ask out (he refers to them as "options" and "prospects"), we raised the point with him that he had no idea if any of these girls were interested in him and that this is something he should establish before pursuing somebody. He cannot comprehend the fact that not every woman is a "prospect" and doesn't give a crap if his attentions are wanted or not. When he asked for my phone number and I said no, his response was to ask again, and he got quite indignant about it. He seems to think he is entitled to pursue women no matter what.

 

Did you give him your phone number?

 

Please say you didn't...

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And, you can't really be serious by saying that if he's a musician then he must be mentally stable? Seriously???

 

Phil Spektor and Ike Turner are musicians, how wonderful they are to women right?!

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