Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I need your opinions.. I'm divorced with no children. My GF is 5 years younger than me, divorced with 2 girls. We met at work years ago and were friends, however, after my divorce she became flirty with me and we hit it off.

 

Now I go back to this place and I am being orientated to the new paperwork on her floor when morning meeting takes place. The administrator in this place is extremely attractive, her words, and he is there for morning meeting along with the other 2 dept. heads. and two other girls.

 

The administrator is telling everyone about a cookout for lunch at the end of the meeting. Everyone is acting professional. Out of nowhere my GF says with a smile, is there going to be a DJ? And she looks at him, he looks at her and they laugh.... everyone else half laughed because the joke came out of no where. I didn't like the way he was looking at her.

 

I got the feeling there was a vibe going on there.

 

I told her I didn't like it and she got very pissed off saying she was only joking, etc. Her baseline is friendly and outgoing but in the past has had men in the building who get very happy to see her. She has groupies.

 

Keep in mind she use to go straight to him for any problems, skip right over the other 2 bosses, saying they didnt like her... that's why. When trying to get her job back one time he called her and told her that her direct boss would be pissed if she knew he was talking to her first. Seems a bit too friendly and a bit unprofessional to me.

 

Am I a jealous nut? Is it normal for your GF to joke around with the boss right in front of you in a semi formal meeting? The tone she used, the way she smiled was like the flirty days with me I guess.

 

I feel like breaking up with her at times. Start fresh with someone new who doesn't need attention by being flirty with every good looking guy. And she has done this with other guys.

 

I guess I don't know the motive.. If it's simply friendly banter.

 

What say you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is just another one of the myriad reasons dating people from the office is never a good idea.

 

Like you said, she is just flirty by nature. She didnt flirt with you until you were available, so at least she is only flirting with available men. Is this other guy available?

 

The thing is, even if it is just harmless flirting - its natural to become sensitive to it when its right in your face.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tough one. What do we know? (1) She is flirty with you and others. (2) She finds this department head attractive. (3) You sense there is a vibe between them. (4) She was pissed off when you said you were disturbed by their interaction at the meeting. (5) They seem to have had a special business relationship because she has been able to go straight to him rather than to her immediate boss.

 

I think there's good reason to be extremely worried, Especially item (4) - she got angry when you expressed your feelings. I think she should have been able to understand your feelings and reassure you if there was nothing going on for you to be worried about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

If anyone is bothering to follow this thread please indulge me. And Thank You for the replies. Yes, her boss and her - something ain't right. I agree.

 

She loves attention, loves heels, is loud and obnoxious when she drinks too much. She has plans to go for a few drinks with the girls. She is on glass of wine 2 at dinner and she says to me, " I like to get boisterous when I'm out, have some fun." I've seen it and she attracts alot of attention wahooing and dancing and jumping around. I then said, :"That's because you love the attention."

 

She immediately got pissed, started giving me attitude. I thought it was rather funny and said wahoooo, look at me!

 

After proceeding to pour her 3 glass of wine, she gets nasty when she drinks, I poured what was left of the bottle down the sink.

 

She then snaps at me, "Well, thats the way I am and if you don't like it there's the F'in door. No tears by me"...

 

Oh what a life I have. Yes, I'm jealous but her needing to be the attention machine doesn't help matters. She's simply outgoing and friendly to everyone.

 

It gets so convoluted and confusing... maybe I'm driving her nuts. But do u say there's the door over a tease like that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do not be jealous. She isn't going home with the other guys, she is with you. If she is unhappy with the relationship and is looking elsewhere for a new man, it will manifest itself within the relationship. If there are no issues, great. Otherwise, focus on issues between you two. The other men are almost irrelevant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 5 weeks later...
  • Author

Thanx for the input everyone. One more thing.... the girls meet for drinks and have a bunch of laughs. After 2 hours they head home, except my girl and this other single chick who is 28, 10 years younger than her. They always end up in a nice bar sipping wine.

 

This week it's because a girls leaving and they want to take her out for drinks.

I am guessing my gf and her little friend will hide in this divorcee pick up bar until 10 after everyone leaves. This stuff normal for a 38 year old woman with two teenage kids with a live in boyfriend? I'll be a work.

 

Flirty girl hanging with a 28 yo in a divorcee bar? Am I simply jealous? Guess I dont know why she likes doing it. If it's the guys, the flirting.... Every other woman with kids goes home... these two stay out.

 

I'm hanging in there and trying to figure out if moving out is the way to go.

She said she'll be home by 7, but she said that the last time.

 

I dont want to be some abusive ass who tells her what she can and cannot do, but I have the right to leave if I dont like it. I need opinions.

 

Thanx

Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont want to be some abusive ass who tells her what she can and cannot do, but I have the right to leave if I dont like it. I need opinions.

Spot on, except it's only your opinion that counts in the end.

 

Speaking for myself, I find it hard to judge whether she is behaving reasonably or not. It seems clear she is flirty and a bit wild and you are not, or less so. It certainly didn't seem right that she was flirting in your face at work. How has she been at work since then? Has she toned it down in recognition that you didn't like it? Or haven't there been situations where you would know one way or the other?

 

How old are her teenage children? I think you said you are at work while she is out in bars late at night. Are the children old enough that they can be reasonably left on their own?

 

It's not clear how much each of you loves the other. Can you imagine being happy without her? If the answer is yes, (i.e. you can imagine being happy without her) the best course may be to bail. If no, then have you considered counseling?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

RA1,

Thanx for the reply. What I am dealing with here is me. I have jealousy issues and I am trying to honestly deal with them. They are there in my head however, I don't beat her down with them. As I deal with me I am watching what she does and trying to see if there's any validity in my fears.

 

Guess my question is - Is it normal for a mother of 2 with a live in boyfriend to want to hang in a meat market with a single woman 10 years her junior. She'll tell me it's because they serve wonderful drinks and fine wine. All the while it's night club atmosphere but she never goes there with the story.

Dont even know what she'll do until friday night. I am guessing I'll get a phone call saying her and her buddy are going to stay and enjoy some more wine..... in this chic place. I know jack about women... but I do know I have a jealous streak. Maybe I need to find another woman who resonates more with me and doesn't make me suspicious. Maybe my intuition is right and my mind is all about the love.

 

Why I am posting my stuff on a public forum? Desperate? What say you..... and I like honest answers.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes

Trust me, she is not being taken seriously at work. She is not seen as a professional who does a great job (unless you all work for an escort/prostitute service.)

Even though you met with the flirting, the women at work who are flirting are the ones who are not seen as the most competent. The giggling, the laughing, the flirty comments....she does not have a solid rep, trust me. Not saying her job is in danger but the people who are the quality employees are not the ones flirting or even with flirty behavior. And just because she is flirting, does not mean she is the most attractive female in the office, by no means. Just because you're flirting and acting like a 13 year old in junior high doesn't mean you're the cutest ones there. Work flirters often have this attitude and play victime, acting like their unprofessional behavior is due to their looks.

Even 1 man and 1 woman who are flirting, thinking it is behind closed doors, believe me, people in the office know you're in there flirting because they saw you go in there together laughing your heads off.

Tell her if she wants to advance, she should stop. Not for her relationship, but for her reputation.

Right now, she is not the one taken seriously, even if the bosses are flirting back.

Personally I can't stand these people at work. I could easily act the same, but I prefer to get attention through my job performance and wit.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes
RA1,

 

Guess my question is - Is it normal for a mother of 2 with a live in boyfriend to want to hang in a meat market with a single woman 10 years her junior. She'll tell me it's because they serve wonderful drinks and fine wine. All the while it's night club atmosphere but she never goes there with the story.

.

Nope. Not a good mother, anyway. She is trash. I would seriously let her go. I feel sorry for her kids, though. Of course she is probably the one at work who talks about what a great mom she is. Personally you shouldn't be living with her either, since she has kids and you are not married, in addition your relationship is on the rocks. Not good for the kids to see these various men walking in and out of their lives.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nope. Not a good mother, anyway. She is trash. I would seriously let her go. I feel sorry for her kids, though. Of course she is probably the one at work who talks about what a great mom she is. Personally you shouldn't be living with her either, since she has kids and you are not married, in addition your relationship is on the rocks. Not good for the kids to see these various men walking in and out of their lives.

 

Pinky,

Thank you for your candid replies.. I enjoy the hard hitting answers.

I do agree with the playing house with the kids involved, however, I am very seriously considering getting her a ring, the kids know what I'm about. She doesn't go out every weekend drinking, just once in a while and like I said she slides in the after party with her buddy. This is why I feel squeezed and I need people like you to post your opinions. If she does stay out this Friday night sitting on a bar stool trading looks at guys or being chatty with them.... I am obviously not first and foremost on her list.

Simply a guys helping with the bills. No more arguments, no more jealousy...

I'll leave. And she had no idea what's on my mind either. I hope to God she comes home when the rest of the mothers do..... really do. Cause it ain't gonna be easy letting her go.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Spot on, except it's only your opinion that counts in the end.

 

Speaking for myself, I find it hard to judge whether she is behaving reasonably or not. It seems clear she is flirty and a bit wild and you are not, or less so. It certainly didn't seem right that she was flirting in your face at work. How has she been at work since then? Has she toned it down in recognition that you didn't like it? Or haven't there been situations where you would know one way or the other?

 

How old are her teenage children? I think you said you are at work while she is out in bars late at night. Are the children old enough that they can be reasonably left on their own?

 

It's not clear how much each of you loves the other. Can you imagine being happy without her? If the answer is yes, (i.e. you can imagine being happy without her) the best course may be to bail. If no, then have you considered counseling?

 

I dont know what she's doing at work. I left and never went back after that.... I work in another place now and truth be told, some of the women there flirt hard with me but I don't play catch with them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes

I can tell you that I know a guy at work who's now exwife went out with the "girls" at work quite a bit after work, and he wasn't invited. for 7 years she carried on an affair with the boss, while this guy went straight home from work to look after the kids - she was "out with the girls". a cover for screwing her boss in various seedy motel rooms around town.

She is a very narcissistic person and loves attention and flirting with the guys.

Just warning you. Of course, they didn't work in the same place together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Basically, to me, it sounds like you're feeling neglected. I would recommand you address that issue with her, but without anger and resentment. Offer her the chance to make the relationship better for the two of you.

 

So in my book, it sounds like you may be over-reacting. And I would strongly advise you against testing her and her boundaries next time she goes out. That's completely unfair to her and the relationship. I would, by the same token, advise against getting her a ring until the both of you have reached a compromise on this issue.

 

So she goes out once in awhile and she likes to hang out later then 10 pm. I have married friends with kids who enjoy the same thing and I can tell you from being at the bar with them that they're not cheating. Or even thinking about cheating. More men get turned down then you would imagine (sure, I suspect the ladies like the attention, all the more to be frisky with their husbands).

 

But I agree with RA1: what matters is how it all makes you feel. Right now though, it sounds like you're looking to prove that what she's doing is wrong - and that certainly isn't fair to her.

 

You don't mention any other aspects of your relationship which might otherwise be relevant:

do your parenting style match?

does she make you feel loved and valued?

do you also go out with friends?

do you two make time for each other?

you say you have issues with jealousy... anything in your past which might trigger these feelings? Why is this creating such anxiety and resentment in you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Kamille,

We work opposite shifts... this is no good and is taxing us. Yes,

have been screwed over before but who hasn't. Simply trying to deal with this and not to sabotage anything. Parenting style? over-indulged are the two girls. I basically stay out of the fray... I try not to believe everything I think. Learning on here. Thanx for the great advice. Really dont like posting too much on an open forum either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

People who flirt at work are instantly recognizable to those who do not. They are not taken as seriously, professionally.

 

Ask yourself WHY she needs so much attention from others?

 

If she was truly committed to you and the relationship, you would be the person she is flirting with, groupies or not.

 

Sorry if this hurts: Is she trawling for someone better???

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
People who flirt at work are instantly recognizable to those who do not. They are not taken as seriously, professionally.

 

Ask yourself WHY she needs so much attention from others?

 

If she was truly committed to you and the relationship, you would be the person she is flirting with, groupies or not.

 

Sorry if this hurts: Is she trawling for someone better???

 

 

hi,

Guess that's the rub, the trolling part. Why stay out in bars? I'm in a grey zone with this one. I'm in a good place right now and we've been together for a year or so. She IS intelligent, creative, and pretty; a nice package for any man, and men notice. I refuse to destroy this relationship because I am a bit jealous and insecure at the moment, these emotions are on me. And why do I feel like this when I'd have no problem getting a date? I love the girl. Thanx for all of the input guys.

 

She'd have to be Heartless to do the things I fear.... that's something I'll have to see to believe until then, I'll deal with me.

 

Makes for a great song -

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just reread the incident that you report as flirting at work and... I mean, of course you were there so you are in a better position then me to identify flirting but to me... It sounds like she cracked a joke. It's not like she was leaning into him, touching his hands, winking at him, etc. He was planning an event and she joked about getting a dj.

 

As for her going out, you have to ask her why it is important to her. I specified a few reasons and in past relationships I have gone out with my gf without it seeming to cause my ex any problems.

 

I seriously don't understand why the posters here are getting all up in arms and putting her down for ... cracking a joke at work. Hopefully you work environments aren't so sinister that joking threatens your credibility.

 

(Interestingly, I'm a sociologist of work and studies show that people who are good at mobilizing humour usually get noticed and get ahead... Theory has it it shows that they are comfortable and therefore knowledgeable of the culture)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Whats the deal with keeping in touch with ex boyfriends and never telling the ex husband or he telling her ex boyfriends now wife about it and calling each other, while neither of the spouses know for 15 years. The exboyfriend weirded her our at a pool party and she left, now tells me it should be ok for him to call her... keeps getting better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Whats the deal with keeping in touch with ex boyfriends and never telling the ex husband or he telling her ex boyfriends now wife about it and calling each other, while neither of the spouses know for 15 years. The exboyfriend weirded her our at a pool party and she left, now tells me it should be ok for him to call her... keeps getting better.

 

What??? I'm not sure I understand.

 

FreeAgent, if you her actions keep confirming your worst suspicions about her, then you either need to make the time for the two of you to talk about it or decide that this isn't a healty relationship for you.

 

It does sound like it brings out your insecurities.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Whats the deal with keeping in touch with ex boyfriends and never telling the ex husband or he telling her ex boyfriends now wife about it and calling each other, while neither of the spouses know for 15 years. The exboyfriend weirded her our at a pool party and she left, now tells me it should be ok for him to call her... keeps getting better.

 

Free agent, I am married to a man who adores me.

 

He would be extremely jealous if I was poolside with an exBF and did not include him in the festivities, let alone tell him about it.

 

People who care about each other do not play fast and loose with their relationships with opposite sex members.

 

IMHO

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author

Hello,

It's been a while since I've posted and a lot has happened. Spark, you come across as a mature woman and who I am living with is simply immature. She's easily slighted, self-centered and devalues me whenever she doesn't get her way. I wasn't dating her during the pool incident, she told me what happened while we were friends. A year later while we were going out she told me she wanted me to go to Beth and Jeff's house and that they have a pool. When I asked her if that was the booty call guy, she apparently forgot she told me, she lied and denied it. Pulled that **** on her x husband and then on me. Recently she told me he has asked her to have an affair once or twice over the years - sweetheart of a guy he is.

 

As for her xBF, well she had plans to go somewhere with her daughter and the chance of meeting up with him and his unknowing wife is likely. She tells me this and through some convoluted explanation tells me I won't be able to handle it and I should stay home. When I tell her that's simply wrong to put him before me, she gives me the finger and says, " I have nothing to say to you." And drives off. Then tells me I am too jealous and I should move out. 3 days later, she is telling me to stay. Guess she needed the rent money to cover the $400 she spent on new clothes for her new job

 

Only night we have together is Saturdays as we work different shifts.

Go and get take out. As I am watching the trailor to a movie on pay-per-view she snaps, "Come on will you make it happen.....?" Believe me when I say she was aggravated when she said it. Taking too long to get the food out of the bag honey?

 

I go out to get a water in the kithcen and when I get back a minute later, she's already watching something.... on the couch laying down, all set. Ah, I've waited all week to watch a movie with you, think you could ask me what I'd like to watch? She gets up all pissed off telling me I am childish, throws the clicker, and storms into the bedroom at 9. What a Saturday night eh? After working my ass off 50 hours this is my Saturday Night. Oh, and we cancelled dinner plans because we couldn't get a baby sitter, plans we made a week ago - but I was cool and bought the take out and came home with it. No problem. Asking to see what I'd like to watch is a capital offense.

 

This has been getting worse and more frequent since this I started this thread. Nothing is ever her fault, ever and sorry is a word she knows nothing about. Crazy making, doors slamming, yelling, everything is my fault.

 

Abuse, Devalue and Discard -- You have to live it. Actively looking for an apartment right now, have seen a couple. Even looking into the possibility of moving in with a roomie.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...