Opal Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 I work in a small office (about 9 employees) that is part of a much bigger organization. Recently, the boss promoted me, giving me many more responsibilities. A few days after the promotion, I was invited to go out after work with 4 of the guys in the office. After several drinks (2 guys had left by this point), one of my coworkers accused me of having sex with the boss to get my promotion. I said that it is not true (which is the truth), and he said something to the effect of "well you're both very attractive..." He has continued this in subtle ways since then. I spoke with one of the other guys in the office who was not there and he told me that this guy has said such things to him previously (before the promotion; comments like "yeah, they are having sex") but he assumed it was a joke. I am at a loss with how to deal with this situation. It is very upsetting and I feel like I am being unfairly targeted. Thanks for any advice you can give. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 You tell him that obviously, you must be better in bed than he is then..... then, you ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Personally, I would nip this in the bud. First, I would look VERY hard at my behavior and my interactions with my boss and see if there were any reasons why there COULD be any office gossip. IS there a flirtation? IS there an attraction? HAVE there been incidences of things like lunches, after work meetings, business trips that could give people the belief that you are sleeping together? And if not, then I would go to HR. I would explain to them that this guy had said this to you after working hours and that he has also been spreading this rumor about yout at work to other co-workers. Ask them to bring him in (with or without you, depending on what they want to do about this), and tell him to stop his discussion of your sex life at work. That is libelous behavior, and could damage your credibility at this businesss and hurt your professional reputation badly. I am not certain that it wouldn't go against your company's sexual harassment policy as well. But I wouldn't ignore it. But again, I would go to HR ONLY if I were 100% sure that there was no fire feeding this smoke. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Want the easiest way to eff with this doorknob? Go tell your boss what he said and if your boss is any kind of manager, he'll be documented and thumbscrewed! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opal Posted June 1, 2009 Author Share Posted June 1, 2009 I can't think of any reason why anyone would think I am having sex with the boss. My guess is that it is just a way to try to discriminate against women..give the impression I'm sleeping w/the boss so that I will be ostracized. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I can't think of any reason why anyone would think I am having sex with the boss. My guess is that it is just a way to try to discriminate against women..give the impression I'm sleeping w/the boss so that I will be ostracized.While you can short-circuit this current situation, if you keep getting promoted, expect it. If it bothers you that much, perhaps it's time to revisit why the opinion of someone you don't respect, is so meaningful to you. This is probably the first time this kind of thing has happened to you. Get used to it. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Unfortunately I have to agree with what TBF says. You are probably going to experience this attitude again in the future. I know that in the workplace, I have experienced both sexual harassment and sex discrimination. In cases of harassment, I have either told the instigator to back off or he would feel my true wrath or have spoken to a manager (I have done this more so when I felt that other women were also suffering but were keeping quiet). In terms of sex discrimination, to be honest I have just gone and got a better job rather than stay in an organisation that allows that kind of attitude to be accepted. This behaviour does need to be addressed immediately as the longer it continues, the more it undermines your perceived credibility. Tell your boss what they have said. Whilst we each have our own idea of what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour at work, this is clearly wrong and just shows their own lack of security and that they feel threatened by you. Deal with this now and it will give you the strength to deal with the next situation you encounter like this, whether that be confronting the situation or choosing to ignore it because you know that you are better than that plus the the opinions of those who really matter are on your side. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with TBF that this will probably happen again, but i disagree that you should just get used to it. I think that being proactive and nipping things in the bud NOW does a WHOLE lot better than just letting negative talk continue. Ignoring it just fosters an atmosphere of disrespect and gossip that doestn't work well in an office situation, especially if you all work together closely. You do NOT want snickering or innuendo or sideways smirks every time you go into your boss's office and shut the door. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 While you can short-circuit this current situation, if you keep getting promoted, expect it. If it bothers you that much, perhaps it's time to revisit why the opinion of someone you don't respect, is so meaningful to you. This is probably the first time this kind of thing has happened to you. Get used to it. Opal may not respect this bozo or his opinions, but others up the ladder may. As you probably know, office politics are amazingly juvenile. If one guys says something, two others believe it. Once three people start saying it, everyone else believes that it must be true. And that would be the end of Opal's chances for advancement with the parent company. Opal, I agree with the general consensus here: if there is any basis for this perception, change your actions. If there isn't, go to HR and quash the rumour. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Ahhh. This kind of crap I'm familiar with. The co-worker / slanderous male cannot wrap his head around or get his ego accustomed to the fact that a woman can get a promotion without spreading her legs. Its as simple as that, as base as that, as ignorant as that. Fortunately, as usual, this type of ignorance is pretty easy to deal with. This man has no self confidence and that fact manifests itself in belittling others professionally. He is threatened. Go with that. Do NOT defend yourself or offer your sex life real or imagined , up for a topic of conversation. Period. Be direct, call for a meeting. You and him. Shut the door, invite him to sit and then stand there. Tell him "The topic today is my promotion and your thoughts on how I got it. Now, understand, I don't care about your thoughts but I have to care about your sharing them because it affects me PROFESSIONALLY. In the spirit of teamwork, I'd like this to end right here. But I have to tell you I am prepared to take whatever recourse and avenues within the company that I think are necessary to put an end to this." Because he is already threatened by your promotion and because he thinks it likely you have an in with the boss and because he doesnt want to lose his job.... He will shut up. But trust me, you have to be clear and you have to assure him you will solve the problem. Its called ball busting, and I hate to do it, but it works well with a piece of sh*t such as this. It works better than HR. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Office gossip WILL happen, no matter what you do about it. Hell, people make stuff up and then spread it. It happens on LS all the time and this isn't an office! So...get used to this type of gossip, if you're young, attractive and female. When I say, get used to it, don't let it bother you but take whatever actions are necessary. Toughen up. Worse things will happen to you as you rise further... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 They're just jealous and trying to bring you down. He has no respect for women, I bet he's one of those types who feels women can't get far in a job without using her sexuality. Next time he says that to you, call him on it and BE assertive. Not emotional, not disrespectful, but in a firm way. YOU worked hard and deserve that promotion. if he can't deal with it, that's his problem...Let him act like a big baby - He's the one who's making a fool of himself, and that won't go unnoticed around the office. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with TBF that this will probably happen again, but i disagree that you should just get used to it. I may be putting words in TBF's mouth but I don't think she means that by just getting used to it that you should accept and shut up. I think she means that as a woman it is likely that you will encounter this kind of behaviour throughout your career. Never just accept being treated like an object/joke/fool, fight for yourself but be prepared for it to happen again. I know that in my earlier post, I referred to times when maybe you could choose to ignore sexual harassment/discrimination. To me this is typically when you get one of the "old school" men, maybe close to retirement, not in a position to cause your career harm and not being malicious. The sweet but old-fashioned ones. Not at all like this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 No, anne, you're not putting words in my mouth. It is what it is and as previously mentioned, worse things are going to happen. Learn to shuck it off because it does no one any good to dwell on it, particularly YOU. Welcome to the shark tank of the corporate world! I wouldn't advise talking to him about it. The more credence and response you show to him, the more power you give him to continue acting like a bozo. Stay professional and at a distance. It won't affect your career, as long as you're calm and cool under fire. Your work and professionalism will speak for themselves. As long as unnecessary drama doesn't enter the workplace aka a snit match between employees, which causes people to take sides, the upper echelon don't give a rats arse, even if there's truth to the rumour, which in this situ, there isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 As long as unnecessary drama doesn't enter the workplace aka a snit match between employees, which causes people to take sides, the upper echelon don't give a rats arse, even if there's truth to the rumour, which in this situ, there isn't. This is the key issue. You need to get the right balance between standing your ground and taking action or just getting on with your job and ignoring the c*** that some will come out with. Sometimes it is just better to ignore and just show that you can rise above all this - show that you are the true professional in all this. If you can carry on in your job, you are respected by those who really matter and can still shine then you need to decide whether it is worth causing additional friction in the workplace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opal Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 Are you single? Is your boss singel? Are you attracted to your boss at all? I am married. My boss is also married and has a young daughter. No, there is no attraction. We have a very professional relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Neutrino Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You tell him that obviously, you must be better in bed than he is then..... then, you ignore him. I LOVED this... I agree with the majority - nip it in the bud, at work you are not fe/male, you are an employee, period. When you get promoted you enter a new field with already established territories of the people working at that level. They are testing the water with the new player who has come to kick some room free for his/hers territory. You either conquer your territory - or loose out and move to the bottom rang among this new group. The guy making these remarks obviously feels threatened, find his weak point and attack him there - in front of others. He will be happy to back off - believe me Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You are both married? Even more reason to nip it in the bud. The chances of your spouses hearing rumors are probably slim, but there is always that chance. And if there ends up being a "special project" that the two of you have to work on, or too many late management meetings, or a training meeting in Chicago that you have to attend, then the idea of infidelity has already been planted in your spouse's mind and can sometimes add with other details to get blown WAY out of truth and proportion. It's almost tempting to have your husband come in, and then have a meeting with your employee and H in the same room, and ask the employee about his stated allegations about you exchanging sex for a promotion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opal Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I reported it. We will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I like 2Sure's suggestion the best, though I would go one step further and get everything on tape or video so that you have evidence to back it up should he try to weasel out of the situation by saying that you're lying. what he's doing is slander, and slander is fodder for a lawsuit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Opal Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 The situation has been resolved. The person starting these rumors and confronting me was called in and yelled at, had to apologize to me and supervisor in front of the others in the office, and is on probation. I feel so much better since this has been resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredPerson Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Well I know one girl who did have sex with her boss to get a promotion. That is a very lucky boss because she is only 20 and is very hot. I think it is bad to sleep with your boss for promotion, but if that is the only way you can get promoted then you should have sex with him. Maybe now your next boxx will offer you a promotion for sex and you can sleep with him and get a double promotion ? You need to see the good in all things. Even if it wasn't true you can use your reputation to your advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
Neutrino Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 The situation has been resolved. The person starting these rumors and confronting me was called in and yelled at, had to apologize to me and supervisor in front of the others in the office, and is on probation. I feel so much better since this has been resolved. Wow - well done. You have a decent person for a supervisor as well. This other guy is probably on his way out anyway - which may well be the reason for him feeling threatened in the first place. ** Boredperson : sex for a promotion is wrong on more levels than I can name, not to mention that this way you get to a position above your skill - and will not be able to do well. Considering that - it is much easier (and more honest) to directly have sex for money... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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