how much self-disclosure is appropriate with co-workers?

[Lauriebell82]

I work with a bunch of counselors, therefore we all like to talk. We usually talk about clients or our work. We sometimes talk about our personal lives. I don't really talk about my boyfriend CONSTANTLY but I do mention him sometimes. I don't really broadcast person info though.

 

Yesterday, I went to a training with two of my co-workers (one male, one female). We were eating lunch and they asked me where I live, about my apartment. When I said I live with my boyfriend, they started talking asking about whether or not we "set a date yet." (oh these co-workers are in their late 30's-early 40's at least). I asked what they meant and they asked when we were getting married and all.

 

So I said that we weren't engaged, so they said, "oh do you plan on getting married?"

 

So these co-workers are nice people, so I started telling them about the marriage/engagement situation I have with my bf. They were attentive and offered me some good advice. I told them I'd appreciate their confidence, as I don't prefer to broadcast my personal life around the office. So I guess my question is: Was that too much information to tell coworkers? I trust them and I know that they actually wanted to help me. Should I have just refrained from discussing the issue?

[Chinook]

Personally, it seems more like you were pushed into discussing it! But to answer your question, I wouldn't share this kind of information with co-workers. I have worked at my current employment for six years and aside from organising a corporate fun run each year (so they know I'm a runner) they know nothing about me. They know which town I live in, but not who I live with, my commitments etc. I don't socialise with work people because it's out of town and I don't build my friends around work either because the potential for conflicts is too great imho. So I'd advise you to be careful. Friendly working relationships are necessary for team working and trust, but I am not so sure that colleagues need to know everything there is to know about us.

[Michelle74]

:rolleyes:It is a fine line when you share your personal life with your co-workers. I agree with Chinook's advice.

 

"I don't socialise with work people because it's out of town and I don't build my friends around work either because the potential for conflicts is too great imho. So I'd advise you to be careful. Friendly working relationships are necessary for team working and trust, but I am not so sure that colleagues need to know everything there is to know about us."

 

Her logic makes sense, I myself, do not share my personal life with my co- workers due to the fact that I have come to realize that work is work and home is home...Good luck

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for your advice. I generally don't talk about personal things in the office. The thing about my office is that everyone talks to each other about their lives, maybe because we hear about client's lives all day that everyone gets a chance to talk about their own.

 

I wasn't even planning on disclosing anything other than that I live with my boyfreind. They did sort of "probe" for info a little bit, and I suppose I just felt bad telling them I didn't want to talk about it. Nobody at work had ever really asked me anything that personal before. I would have never offered up that info on my own and just brough it up out of the blue.

 

I don't think it will really effect work at all, they work in a different part of the building and are on a different treatment team so I have minimal interaction with both of them. I am definately going to watch what I say from now on because I feel funny about it now.

[Lizzie60]

Thanks for your advice. I generally don't talk about personal things in the office. The thing about my office is that everyone talks to each other about their lives, maybe because we hear about client's lives all day that everyone gets a chance to talk about their own.

 

I wasn't even planning on disclosing anything other than that I live with my boyfreind. They did sort of "probe" for info a little bit, and I suppose I just felt bad telling them I didn't want to talk about it. Nobody at work had ever really asked me anything that personal before. I would have never offered up that info on my own and just brough it up out of the blue.

 

I don't think it will really effect work at all, they work in a different part of the building and are on a different treatment team so I have minimal interaction with both of them. I am definately going to watch what I say from now on because I feel funny about it now.

 

Not to be rude or anything like that.. but this is very unprofessional.... especially talking about your clients.. WOW

 

From all your posts and threads.. I find it hard to believe that you are a counsellor.. I find it strange that you are counselling people and that you seem to have so much issues (which are kind of simple really) that you cannot solve yourself.. in your own life..

 

[Lauriebell82]

Not to be rude or anything like that.. but this is very unprofessional.... especially talking about your clients.. WOW

 

From all your posts and threads.. I find it hard to believe that you are a counsellor.. I find it strange that you are counselling people and that you seem to have so much issues (which are kind of simple really) that you cannot solve yourself.. in your own life..

 

 

What? Talk about clients as in treatment meetings and if someone else saw our client we ask how they did. It's not like gossiping behind their backs! That's what counselors do, you must not know much about my profession.

 

Oh and EVERYONE has issues, even counselors. Doesn't mean I'm not good at what I do.

 

I think I did make a mistake talking to my co-workers about personal things. I will def. not do that again.

[Star Gazer]

Laurie - generally speaking, discussing what you do outside of the office is fine so long as it doesn't cross the line into TMI. As long as you're not running to them crying when the sh*t hits the fan, or discussing the nitty gritty details, you can discuss your personal life. It's what makes you human, relateable...good traits in a counselor, IMO.

 

However, if you eventually find yourself in a situation where you're doing couples counseling or the like, I'd refrain talking to coworkers about your relationship troubles. It would be like a financial adviser talking to his coworkers about being unable to make rent. Might cause them some concern.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe..but my point is that she is, apparently a counsellor... but from what I read (her threads, and posts) she comes across as being very insecure and a bit naive.. this is not the way I see counsellors.. I see them as being strong so they can advise people consequently..

 

Same with you.. I very much doubt your profession.. as you come across as being also very insecure, clingy and naive.. (very much like Laurie) and I see attorneys as being strong professional people..

 

Both of you do not 'portray' your profession... sorry.. I am not saying that to be rude.. this is just how I feel about your professions...

 

Yes, you are.

 

Every profession is made up of humans. Attorneys, surgeons, counselors, investors, fashion designers...no one is perfect, including you. We all have our problems. Many of us have our personal/private side at home, and a completely different side at work. It's called being dimensional. I know I'm that way. Are you not? Are you saying you behave the same way at home (sleeping with multiple married men) that you do at the office? Hmm.

[Jilly Bean]

LB, just walk a fine line with it, and that's often tough to decifer.

 

On the one hand, women bond over conversation and sharing, so in some ways, it's nice to have that connection with your co-workers.

 

On the flip side, if things start going badly with any of them, then they will use your story as gossip fodder, as you well know how catty and nasty women can be.

 

If I were you, since you are new to this group, I would share the top of the trees details (like you live with your bf, haven't set a date), but I wouldn't go into the background at all.

[monkey00]

I wouldn't disclose too much personal information in the workplace. Some co-workers are genuinely nice/concerned, some are nosey, some are back-stabbers...too much room for office politics which could get ugly.

 

In your case they were just nosey...nothing wrong with that. Just because you're telling someone of your living situation doesn't mean you're looking for advice or want to hear it. One thing people do best is stick their nose into someone else's business.

[lovesparis]

i work with counselors also, so i understand how you feel-- if i were asked a personal question and not elaborate details i would be considered stand-offish and rude.

 

i tried very hard when i started working there to maintain "professionalism" however i realized my workplace is not like other offices. in counseling centers, one "shares" be it client or counselor.

 

i discuss my bf when asked, or share exciting info with certain people i am close to, but i don't bring him to "family day" events. which i'm chastised about.

 

lizzie-- rarely is anyone so well put together that they don't have at least one flaw in their personal life. counselors are no exception. should counselors who have been divorced not advise clients on marriage counseling? frankly, i think you have a misperception of the field, and you are taking it out on laurie.

 

for what it's worth... most counselors, especially those that work in a practice, discuss clients with each other; the best way to handle XYZ scenario, "hey i've got a client going through something i've never dealth with. can you give some suggestions?", counselors may also confer when they are seeing different family members, ex: X disclosed that Y has said/done Z. has Y brought that up in session? obviously, the counselor cannot bring that up until the client does, but sometimes knowing the client is not disclosing certain info can be beneficial in therapy. clients with lower licenses also require supervision by a licensed counselor with supervisory status to direct them and make sure they are doing right by their clients. the only way this can be done is by discussing the clients. our clients all sign a disclosure agreement when they begin counseling that states our counselors may feel it necessary to discuss with other staff members in order to provide them with the best counseling.

 

counselors are not magicians, they are human. they do not have the ability to see into your soul and tell you what is wrong with you. counseling is a process. doctors, who i presume you also have a high opinion of, rarely treat themselves (or family members) and they also seek the opinions of other doctors on staff.

[HokeyReligions]

Wow. This thread got interesting.

 

on the original topic - I'm in a mid-level management position. I train and mentor others to help them move up. Everyone probably knows waaay too much about my personal life. Having said that - knowing about others is part of the culture of the company for which I work. It bonds us as a family. A lot of people know my husband through his volunteer work in my company, and for many other reasons - my company actually sends him a birthday card every year and he's never been employed there. My company is part of my family. I don't see anything wrong with that. We are still professional.

 

Having said that - I've also worked at companies where I would Never divulge much about myself because it just wan't *that* kind of place. You have to know your audience and your company culture.

 

As for viewpoints on professions - everyone is allowed their own viewpoint, and to express their doubts. Realize though, that no matter what a person does for a living, we are all people and subject to the same emotions, doubts, and often-flawed judgement calls.

 

No everyone in every profession was a straight-A student. Among the straight-A students everyone will make a bad call or wrong decision and face doubts too.

 

That's why there are ethics rules and due-diligence, and accountability within each profession.

[Lishy]

Tell them what they need to know and no more!

[Lauriebell82]

i work with counselors also, so i understand how you feel-- if i were asked a personal question and not elaborate details i would be considered stand-offish and rude.

 

i tried very hard when i started working there to maintain "professionalism" however i realized my workplace is not like other offices. in counseling centers, one "shares" be it client or counselor.

 

i discuss my bf when asked, or share exciting info with certain people i am close to, but i don't bring him to "family day" events. which i'm chastised about.

 

lizzie-- rarely is anyone so well put together that they don't have at least one flaw in their personal life. counselors are no exception. should counselors who have been divorced not advise clients on marriage counseling? frankly, i think you have a misperception of the field, and you are taking it out on laurie.

 

for what it's worth... most counselors, especially those that work in a practice, discuss clients with each other; the best way to handle XYZ scenario, "hey i've got a client going through something i've never dealth with. can you give some suggestions?", counselors may also confer when they are seeing different family members, ex: X disclosed that Y has said/done Z. has Y brought that up in session? obviously, the counselor cannot bring that up until the client does, but sometimes knowing the client is not disclosing certain info can be beneficial in therapy. clients with lower licenses also require supervision by a licensed counselor with supervisory status to direct them and make sure they are doing right by their clients. the only way this can be done is by discussing the clients. our clients all sign a disclosure agreement when they begin counseling that states our counselors may feel it necessary to discuss with other staff members in order to provide them with the best counseling.

 

counselors are not magicians, they are human. they do not have the ability to see into your soul and tell you what is wrong with you. counseling is a process. doctors, who i presume you also have a high opinion of, rarely treat themselves (or family members) and they also seek the opinions of other doctors on staff.

 

Thank you very much for your post. I hate the misconception that if counselors should not have issues and/or they should know how to solve their own issues. It's a lot easier to see inside someone else's issues then your own. Hence, why we are all here at LS.