Married boss flirting with me...

[confusedgirl85]

Well kind of flirting.. my boss who is about 35 yrs old, married, and with a kid (im 22) is a great guy, i admire him so much for how he works and how he thinks, he is a very positive man, and has many other personal qualities that make him an excellent boss....

 

but he is always asking if i have a boyfriend yet? And wondering how come a "nice girl like you" doesnt have one, that the man that gets me will be very lucky, etc.. Also he kept asking me if i would join him for dinner sometime, i said yeah why not, because i look at our relationship as only boss-friends, so he kept asking me for about 3 months, but never had the chance till today, we went out for lunch time at work. Nobody else at work knew about this, and he seemed kind of worried if i told someone or if someone found out.. Any how during lunch we taked about work, family, many things, but then he asked me if i would join him to the movies sometime i just laughed nervously and changed the subject, after lunch when he was driving me back to work he asked if i would join him another time but for dinner at a very nice place i said yes but im not so sure i should do it...

 

So far, he's been a perfect gentleman, never said or done anything out of order or anything wrong, but im not sure if im reading too much into it or if he is really flirting with me. The worst part is that now i often find my self wondering about him, what he is doing, or why hasnt he talked to me today, stuff like that... any advice i would appreciate it!

 

Would it affect me if i tell him we shouldnt go to dinner, when he has never implied anything bad?

Edited April 6, 2008 by confusedgirl85

[Trialbyfire]

He's putting moves on you. Seen this before, many a time. When he wants to extend the invitation to a movie and/or dinner, politely decline!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

he has never implied anything bad?

 

Of course he has. He has asked inappropriate questions about your personal life, he has snuck you off to lunch, he has asked you out twice. That isn't what good bosses do. That is what married guys who want to sleep with you behind their wife's back want to do. I highly doubt you are the first, either.

 

If you get involved with him, you may as well throw your career down the toilet. Your co-workers will catch on (it is painfully obvious when people are having an affair regardless of how well they think they are hiding it). Chances are a well meaning coworker will report it to HR, or call his wife and tell her what is going on.

 

You should really rethink having an affair with this guy. You stand to lose a lot more than your job, and so does he.

 

However, it is apparent that you are interested and won't be talked out of it. If you must get involved, at least change jobs so that you and he don't both lose your current ones, or at the very least create what your coworkers will deem a 'hostile work environment', and take matters into their own hands.

 

If you are genuinely not interested in an affair, then tell him that you are not comfortable with being 'friends' on the job or outside of it and keep your interactions completely business-like and impersonal. No more lunches, no more personal talk, nada.

 

You may be able to salvage yourself at this point. I can tell you this - you went to lunch with him, and no doubt your co-workers are already buzzing about it (don't fool yourself into thinking 'no one knew' - someone always knows or sees in a work environment).

[clairebear]

Hi Confused. Don't do it. I made that mistake...read Robert Hare's books Snakes in Suits and Without Conscience. It might change how you see him.

[sb129]

Don't do it. I am no fortune teller, but I can't see a happy ending to this.

Next thing you know he will be 'confiding' in you that he isn't happy in his marriage, and that his wife doesn't 'understand him the way you do' and you will sleep together, you will fall hard for him, he won't leave his wife, and you will probably end up with a broken heart and no job.

 

Its OK to be flattered by the (inappropriate IMO) attention that an older man is paying you, but realise that he probably knows exactly how to use your perception of him as "older and wiser" to his advantage.

 

Many companies actually forbid inter-employee relationships, and for good reason.

 

If he asks you out again, politely thank him, but decline, and say that you don't think its appropriate.

[carhill]

Yep, the best ones are always smooth and convincing. I'll mark him down a bit for being too persistent. He needs work on that part

 

OP, for yourself, get a "boyfriend". Call him BOB, if you know what I mean, or "Robert" if you like that better. Then, when MM propositions you, merely smile and tell him you have a date with your boyfriend Robert

 

Some of my single female friends in the past resorted to, when dealing with known lecherous bosses, wearing wedding rings (nice ones too), even to their employment interviews. Some men are pigs, albeit smooth talking and attractive ones.

 

Good luck and consider seeking employment elsewhere if this person has any say in your career.

[OpenBook]

Unfortunately, you are in a horrible Catch-22. If you give in and go out with him and do what he wants (see him on a personal basis), your reputation will be ruined at your current place of employment. If you DON'T go along with what he wants (politely decline as others have suggested), he might take it as rejection and punish you for it... withholding promotions/raises, treating you like sh*t, etc.

 

Either way, you're doomed. I hope you have allies at the office other than him. It's the only effective way to fight it.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T report it to HR... unless you want to be blacklisted in your industry.

[Trialbyfire]

It's all in how you do it. Most men like this are accustomed to getting rejected since it's all about the numbers game. It's no big deal, if handled properly.

[Trimmer]

So far, he's been a perfect gentleman, never said or done anything out of order or anything wrong...

Ask yourself honestly: would his wife think that, if she knew what you know about his behavior?

 

I'm not quite as quick to assume you can't be convinced otherwise, but I think you should ask yourself the question: are you interested in a romantic relationship with him?

 

If the answer is NO - you wouldn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with him - and you just think this is all innocent and that he hasn't crossed any lines yet, then I will gently suggest that you are a little naive, and that you need to realize that he has, or at least that he is trying to. Again, imagine his wife as a "fly on the wall" and consider what she would think of his behavior.

 

If the answer is YES - that in spite of knowing he is married, that you are considering the possibility of a romantic relationship - then all we can do is to point out the canyon of hurt and pain you are standing on the edge of. It's your decision whether to jump in, or just start carefully taking steps back, not to return to that edge again.

[confusedgirl85]

 

However, it is apparent that you are interested and won't be talked out of it.

 

If you are genuinely not interested in an affair, then tell him that you are not comfortable with being 'friends' on the job or outside of it and keep your interactions completely business-like and impersonal. No more lunches, no more personal talk, nada

 

 

Im not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but i do like the attention he draws to me, if he ever tries something more inappropiate, touching or kissing what ever i know for a fact i WOULD NOT let him do it!

 

My problem i guess is that i havent had a bf in years so i miss that attention and i guess thats why im drawn to him... i really need a boyfriend for real, but my age and without a wife or kids

 

But thanks all for the help!

[Trimmer]

Im not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but i do like the attention he draws to me, if he ever tries something more inappropiate, touching or kissing what ever i know for a fact i WOULD NOT let him do it!

So are you saying that you intend to continue some kind of a personal relationship with him, using his attraction to you to get what you want and need, but setting a boundary that prevents him from getting what he wants? Do you think that is a sustainable and wise course, given that this is your work environment we're talking about? In the long run, do you imagine this course to be less damaging than attempting to bring it to a graceful close now, early on?

 

My problem i guess is that i havent had a bf in years so i miss that attention and i guess thats why im drawn to him... i really need a boyfriend for real, but my age and without a wife or kids

If I may opine - I think that what you need is a more secure and confident sense of yourself, so that you won't feel like you need the attention of a boyfriend to validate you, that you won't feel like your life is missing something without that.

 

The reason I believe this is that you are still considering dancing on the edge of the volcano, continuing your relationship with your boss to get that attention, to fill that need, excusing it by saying that of course you would not let him "try something more inappropriate" (indicating that you know that his intentions, at least, have already crossed the line...)

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't want a boyfriend, but having a secure sense of yourself, and a confident, full, strong life as an individual will free you from the need to have one, and from the temptation to get your other needs, in the interim, fulfilled in a dangerous way that you aren't willing to walk away from, now that you see it for what it is.

[Trialbyfire]

You're 22 years old. So...you think you can take on an experienced cheater at 35? You're going to get eaten up and spat out barely alive but still screaming.

[Lookingforward]

Some men are pigs, albeit smooth talking and attractive ones.

 

Yep, and no matter how you dress a pig, it's STILL a pig

 

The fake b/f or husband isn't a great idea as it also makes her unavailable to single co-workers, plus why should she have to lie ?

[Lookingforward]

Many companies actually forbid inter-employee relationships, and for good reason.

 

I don't see a problem with inter-employee relationships if they are kept on a peer level and OUT of the workplace interaction, they're the people you spend most time with, let's face it.

 

But that said, yes this is entirely inappropriate, he's her BOSS, and while the attention is flattering it's very very dangerous territory.

 

OP needs to find a way to decline any further attentions gracefully, but it might be an idea to start looking for another place to work anyway.

[carhill]

I guess that never occurred to me (the co-worker issue) since all my former employers and most of my customers had/have no-fraternization policies. Don't know the OP's situation, but IME workplace romances where advancement is the goal often backfire, though not purposefully. I hate office politics (which is why I don't work in one) but they are a formidable force.

 

My female friends did their dating away from their profession. For most women, that's easy. Just be available

[confusedgirl85]

So are you saying that you intend to continue some kind of a personal relationship with him, using his attraction to you to get what you want and need, but setting a boundary that prevents him from getting what he wants?

 

Well I guess yes i will mantain a friendly relationship with him because were i work we often have parties, trips, out of work activities in which we all get together and i dont want to miss those things just because my boss is going to be there, and as someone else said co-workers/bosses are the people you spend most of the time with, and at least here in Honduras (thats were i live) we tend to be very friendly with the people we work.

 

Anyway this is the 1st time it has happened to me, its only my 2nd job in my life, and im not sure what to expect. By all the things u ppl have said here i think i may be naive for believing its just and ordinary thing, like he doesnt have "other" reasons for taking me out to dinner or a movie, and because he has never done or said anything direct about a romantic/sexual relationship. But i know there's been comments that live me wondering what does he really wants....

[confusedgirl85]

And since i already said yes to his invite to join him for dinner someday, how can i let him down politely? I dont want to affect our work relationship, i mean i dont exactly like my job but maybe theres some other opportunity for me at the place, and i dont want it to be uncomfortable when we all hang out together.

[PuppyDogEyes]

And since i already said yes to his invite to join him for dinner someday, how can i let him down politely?

 

Here's an idea. When the dinner invitation comes up again, simply say, "Yes, I would love to go out to dinner - with you and your wife. What time will you both be arriving?"

 

That in my mind is a pretty clear statement of where you stand, I think.

 

-pde.

[confusedgirl85]

What if he says its just the two of us... or something like that? Should i ask him what his real intentions are or what?

[Trialbyfire]

Look, avoid the drama of a direct confrontation, which can lead to an uncomfortable working arrangement. Tell him you'll be bringing a coworker, so no one gets the wrong idea about the two of you being alone.

[confusedgirl85]

The coworker idea is the best so far... i just hope he never brings up the dinner invite again!

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, let's play this out a little further.

 

What if he says: Well, there are confidential work issues, I'd like to discuss through dinner, so maybe it's best not to bring the coworker.

 

Your response should be: Maybe dinner isn't such a good idea if you're concerned about confidentiality. We should probably keep that type of conversation in the office environment. You're a married man. The last thing you want, is the office gossiping nonsense, about our working relationship. I must admit that's the last thing I want too.

 

*punctuate your comments at the end, with a concerned, professional smile*

[confusedgirl85]

I know for a fact he wouldnt use the confidential work issues at dinner card, because he is like the manager of the department, and im just a first line staff person, so he doesnt have to treat confidential info with me... so i guess he says no u cant bring a coworker then i can use what u said, thanks.

[TheRain]

Hunduras? Are you American?

 

Anyways, it seems that he wants to be "friends" with you and hoping that you will fall for him so he can get into your pants.

 

If you fall for that, you will be labled as the officer slut who wrecked the boss's marriage and home.

 

He seems smooth. Be smart, don't do anything with him along outside of the office.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he asks to take you somewhere alone again, just say 'no thank you' politely and leave it at that. If he presses or tries to talk to you on a personal level, change the subject and find something else to do. If he brings you in the office alone, ask to have the door open. Basically you will be friendly and professional, to the point where he will have no choice but to be professional back.

 

I can tell you this: if you decide to be 'friends' with a guy who is asking you out and getting you alone, then you will have already damned yourself. Don't worry about losing his 'friendship'. There is no 'friendship' when a man makes his intentions as clear as he already has - only the potential for an affair.