Criticize my writing style - based on previous posts

[RecordProducer]

I am supposed to submit a personal statement for my law school applications. My husband doesn't seem able to help me despite of his great writing skills. I browsed the agencies that help with essays, and I am not quite content with their before-and-after results. I think I can complete this mission on my own, but I need to know some information from you, who read my stuff regularly and/or have read dozens of my posts.

 

1. Do I write concisely and clearly?

2. Do you have a problem understanding what I am trying to convey?

3. Do my posts keep your interest 'till the end or do you get bored after one or two paragraphs?

4. Do you think I use a lot of irrelevant information?

5. Do I sound illiterate or do you think my words flow smoothly?

 

I am NOT fishing for compliments!!! I've never written on this board with the desire to impress anyone with my writing style, but your insight would be very helpful nonetheless. This is very important to me and I want some serious critic and advice. If you can help me eliminate my writing flaws and improve my skills, I would be very, very grateful. Please, comment on my drawbacks as harshly as you can and give me some constructive criticism.

 

I really want to do this by myself. I will have the husband edit my English and I will use Thesaurus for fancy synonyms. But I need to know my flaws in order to correct them. Any comment will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

RP, you communicate well but in a personal manner. My only recommendation would be to keep your essay a little less personal. I'm guessing you've already thought of this aspect though so it's probably moot.

[Storyrider]

RP, I find your writing engaging and interesting to read. It is always clear and concise. I sometimes notice a few minor ESL errors. For example, in the post above you wrote "critic" for "critique" and "despite of his" should read "despite his".

 

Other than that, nothing in your word choice jumps out at me. I like your directness and your sometimes raunchiness, although I doubt that will come out in the essay you're writing.

 

I must admit when I first came to the boards I sometimes misread your tone as negative and/or hostile when I think you were actually being playful or just trying to discuss an issue honestly. So that is something to watch for.

 

There have also been times when you were very emotionally invested in an issue and your rhetoric was somewhat defensive, so I think it will be important for you to step back and try to imagine the reader's point of view if you are trying to persuade the reader, and watch out for logical fallacies in your writing or appeals to emotion that are substituted for logical argumentation.

 

In all, I think your writing is amazing given English is not your first language.

[RecordProducer]

RP, you communicate well but in a personal manner. My only recommendation would be to keep your essay a little less personal. I'm guessing you've already thought of this aspect though so it's probably moot.

Hm... I don't understand what you mean. I am supposed to keep it very personal, but I don't intend to keep it casual. It has to sound like a professional article (something like a business magazine editorial). But I want ti to be interesting and colorful. Actually, THEY want it to be like that. Please elaborate anything that you want to say. I am not going to be offended whatsoever. I need ideas for improvement.

 

Storyrider, your comments are very helpful. I am not concerned about the grammar errors. I'll try to keep in mind what you said. Thanks a bunch!

 

Are those your daughters in your avatar?

I like your directness and your sometimes raunchiness

I don't think I'll be raunchy with MF-ers.

[Trialbyfire]

Hm... I don't understand what you mean. I am supposed to keep it very personal, but I don't intend to keep it casual. It has to sound like a professional article (something liek a business magazine editorial). But I want ti to be interesting and colorful. Actually, THEY want it to be like that. Please elaborate anything that you want to say. I am not going to be offended whatsoever. I need ideas for improvement.

An excellent idea.

 

If you watch any political shows, similar to Bill Maher or Jon Stewart style of commentary versus Keith Olbermann or Dennis Miller.

[Alexandra]

Well I haven't read you in a year but being given that I read everything you ever wrote back then and before it....

 

I do believe your style is outstanding for a non-native user of the language but with that said I will say that your advice and replies to other threads are far easier to read and understand than your personal stories. That's perfectly natural as loss of focus and flow are to be expected from anyone when emotions are flowing but that is something to look out for.

 

Maybe opening your own threads and replies and reading through them with the intent to spot those differences between how you write when it's personal versus how you write when it is not would help you. And also, maybe picking two or three long posts, printing them out and going through them while pretending to be an English teacher correcting an essay would help as well.

 

Good luck.

[Storyrider]

Hm... I don't understand what you mean. I am supposed to keep it very personal, but I don't intend to keep it casual. It has to sound like a professional article (something like a business magazine editorial). But I want ti to be interesting and colorful. Actually, THEY want it to be like that. Please elaborate anything that you want to say. I am not going to be offended whatsoever. I need ideas for improvement.

 

Storyrider, your comments are very helpful. I am not concerned about the grammar errors. I'll try to keep in mind what you said. Thanks a bunch!

 

Are those your daughters in your avatar?

I don't think I'll be raunchy with MF-ers.

It is a mother and child painting by Marie Cassett. The child does look a bit like my youngest.

 

If you want an extra set of eyes to read your essay feel free to email it to me.

[RecordProducer]

An excellent idea.

 

If you watch any political shows, similar to Bill Maher or Jon Stewart style of commentary versus Keith Olbermann or Dennis Miller.

I will google them. Actually, now that you said it was a good idea, I'll read some business magazines and similar stuff for ideas. If I like it - they would, too. If I like it, I can learn from them. Thanks, TBF.

[Trialbyfire]

My pleasure RP. You're going somewhere. Believe it.

[RecordProducer]

My pleasure RP. You're going somewhere. Believe it.

It's hard to believe it, TBF. I am a mess. I am falling apart. I am just forcing myself to do what I gotta do.

[2sunny]

you're going to be fine rp!

 

your writing style has nothing in it over the past few years that has ever concerned me.

 

stick to your points and the topic and you will be fine.

[RecordProducer]

you're going to be fine rp!

 

your writing style has nothing in it over the past few years that has ever concerned me.

 

stick to your points and the topic and you will be fine.

Thanks, Sunny. Anyone volunteer to read my few essays when I am done with them? It's going to be 3-4 pages (two essays).

[RecordProducer]

Alexandra, sorry, I didn't see your post earlier.

I do believe your style is outstanding for a non-native user of the language but with that said I will say that your advice and replies to other threads are far easier to read and understand than your personal stories. That's perfectly natural as loss of focus and flow are to be expected from anyone when emotions are flowing but that is something to look out for.

This is a very interesting point! I've never thought about it before: mental-emotional focus.

 

If you want an extra set of eyes to read your essay feel free to email it to me.

You think I was gonna ask you for a permission? You are getting my essays for assessment, like it or not!

[suegail]

Could you possibly post a sample of what you're working on? I think that would be the best way to get the kind of feedback you are looking for.

[RecordProducer]

Could you possibly post a sample of what you're working on? I think that would be the best way to get the kind of feedback you are looking for.

I am sorry, that would be unethical of me, given that this is a public forum. I can PM you a sample though as soon as I finish my first draft.

[Ocean-Blue]

I am sorry, that would be unethical of me, given that this is a public forum. I can PM you a sample though as soon as I finish my first draft.

 

Not that I'm suggesting that the poster is scoping out prospective material... BUT... Be weary of sharing such information with anyone. It's best not to share with strangers - keep your PS under lock and key. You market yourself through that essay, so do not let it float around. You don't want accusations of plagiarism, etc. to compromise your chances.

 

Only share with trusted friends (i.e. those you've befriended on LS) and those trained to edit essays. And stay away from other law school applicants.

[suegail]

I certainly wasn't trying to get any information that should remain under wraps...it was just an idea...apparently not a very good one. *S*

[Ocean-Blue]

I certainly wasn't trying to get any information that should remain under wraps...it was just an idea...apparently not a very good one. *S*

 

I wasn't suggesting that you were. Your post just reminded me that there are some people out there that could/would use another's PS for personal gain.