I made a mistake with my secretary - but why is this an "unforgiveable sin"?

[LPat]

I am an accountant in a small office. I have been working with my secretary (20 years younger than me) for 10 wonderful years. We have become very close friends and confidants, and have never had a true boss-subordinate relationship. I have been very good to her, financially and otherwise. We are both in long term marriages and always talk fondly of our spouses. We have even socialized as couples outside the office. She asks me to lunch with her in the break room often, and we go out for lunch every few weeks.

 

Over the last five years, I have slowly developed a very serious one-sided infatuation for her. Her attitude toward me has always been clearly platonic, which thankfully has kept things in check. I have kept my feelings completely secret and believe that she has never had a clue about how I feel. At least until a recent "incident."

 

I got her a digital camera for Christmas a few years ago. She often has me download her family photos for her. I have saved all of them on my computer, and then transferred them to hers. I have touched up photos of her husband and children from time to time and printed them off for her (sometimes framed as gifts). My ultimate plan was to prepare a family photo album from the best of the pictures as a Christmas or birthday gift. It is well known in my office that my hobby is photo editing.

 

Recently, I printed a couple of attractive pictures of her that I had cropped and touched up portrait style. I kept them hidden in a drawer. One of these photos inadvertently got stuck to a file and ended up dropped on the floor down the hall. Ironically, she found it on the floor and confronted me with it. I was embarrassed and stunned and told her that I didn't know where it came from. This was late Friday afternoon as I left the office for a commitment. I confessed to her in an e-mail over the weekend that I had indeed dropped the picture and that I could explain why I had it.

 

Monday morning, one of my partners came in and told me that my secretary and her husband were extremely upset about this picture and how it ended up on the floor in the hallway. I explained to him what had happened without revealing the infatuation. My explanation made sense to him. Later, however, he came in and indicated that my secretary had asked to be permanently relieved of doing any work for me. She came in a day later and personally stated that she could no longer work for me. She was clearly very upset. I was profusely apologetic and was obviously near tears, but she was not interested in discussing the matter with me. Hence, I do not know if her intense reaction stems from my having retained her family pictures without her consent, whether she is disgusted that her much older boss may be infatuated with her, or if she has other breach of trust issues that I do not fully comprehend.

 

It is three weeks later, and she has not spoken to me since. Her desk is quite close to my office. Yet for the most part, I no longer exist as far as she is concerned. The only exception is a terse "good morning" or "good afternoon" if I pass by and greet her first. To the rest of the world, she is as cheerful as ever and acting like nothing at all has happened. I am devastated, and am starting to have physical problems from not eating or sleeping and the overwhelming sense of loss. I am nearing retirement but not financially able to do so just yet, so changing jobs is not really an option for me. For me, this is like the sudden death of a loved one, except that I have to see her and listen to her each day as if I did not exist.

 

I know that I acted unwisely by printing the pictures off, and compounded my error by not immediately accepting responsibility when confronted with the picture. In retrospect, I should have also made it more clear that I had not deleted her family photos.

 

Now, however, I am trying to understand how what I have done could be completely "unforgivable," and why a solid, long term friendship is not just damaged, but completely destroyed, by my actions. I also want to understand the nature of the injury that I have inflicted upon her that has provoked such a reaction. Yet she is making me feel like she has lost nothing at all, and that she has happily moved on with her life and I’m not in it. I’m not looking for advice as much as I am for insight into these questions to help me cope with the consequences of my acts.

[Tony T]

There are a number of things going on here but first let me tell you she'll get over it.

 

Nobody likes to have their photo dropped in the hallway for everybody to see. It was obviously embarrassing to her that everybody now knows that you made and/or photoshopped images of her. There is an element of invasion of privacy. There is also the question of why you printed this picture. Additionally, her husband will now be suspect of you and your intentions. It also complicates things that she felt you were a friend hers and you would so casually handle her photos. Finding this photo on the floor, to her, was probably worse than finding it in a trash can. There may be other issues involved as well.

 

Given your long history with her, don't think she hasn't sensed your fondness for her. Females are a lot smarter than you think. Also, you can count on the fact that she and her husband discussed her response at length before she acted as she did. Thankfully (and hopefully) no labor laws were broken.

 

Your best strategy is to absolutely leave her alone, put her out of your mind and life. Ignore her at work to the best of your ability and continue on as if she is not alive. Time heals all and at some point this will resolve itself.

 

This was a lesson you needed to learn. People are entitled to their privacy and when you dump their image on the hallway floor at the workplace there are serious consequences to pay. Now, having paid those consequences and hopefully learned a lesson, erase every image of her and her family from your computer hard drive and destroy any prints you may have. Just move on.

 

She may never speak to you again...or she may. Working in close proximity makes this especially difficult but it also serves to impress upon you the lesson.

 

The GREAT thing to come of all of this is that you can now open yourself to renewing your marriage or working on it so you don't lend attention to others outside your marital partnership.

[crazy_grl]

She probably noticed your infatuation with her a long time ago, but thought it was just harmless. Having pictures of her crossed the line from harmless to creepy (sorry to say, but it's true). Not only that, but you publicly embarrassed her by letting her photo be found in the hallway.

 

It's doubtful that there's anything you can do to fix the situation. If she decides she wants to speak to you again, she will. You can't change that. You can only make things worse.

 

I suggest you focus on why you're putting so much importance on this woman instead of directing that energy toward your wife.

[allina]

It sounds like she is doing what she feel is best to let you know that she is not interested and in love with her husband. She and her husband must feel like their trust and friendship have been violated by you.

[Cheery Cherry]

Personally, I don't understand why your secretary is making such a big fuss...was the photo of her provocative in any way? It is not that uncommon for anyone working closely together to like the other person a little more than they should but the fact is, you didn't act on your feeling and usually, the feeling passes after some time. If she is trying to prove to her husband that she is in love with her husband by cutting you off, then she (or her husband) can't be feeling too secure in their relationship. She should've been flattered that someone other than her husband finds her attractive, but respectfully. The fact that she is going out of her way to ignore you, after being friends for 10 years, says to me that there must be some other issue than finding a printed photo of her in a hallway. Jesus, if nothing else, she could've at least vented to you, privately, about how upset she was and then moved on.

[PoshPrincess]

She probably noticed your infatuation with her a long time ago, but thought it was just harmless. Having pictures of her crossed the line from harmless to creepy (sorry to say, but it's true). Not only that, but you publicly embarrassed her by letting her photo be found in the hallway.

 

It's doubtful that there's anything you can do to fix the situation. If she decides she wants to speak to you again, she will. You can't change that. You can only make things worse.

 

I suggest you focus on why you're putting so much importance on this woman instead of directing that energy toward your wife.

 

Couldn't agree more. I know I would feel VERY uncomfortable if someone in my office had a crush on me that wasn't reciprocated, particularly if it was someone old enough to be my father. I certainly wouldn't be too happy about them holding photos of me. Undoubtedly she would have picked up on your affection but this has crossed the professional line from her POV.

 

All this said, don't beat yourself up about it. You've made a mistake and you meant no real harm by it. Like Cherry said, concentrate on your marriage and try to work out what's missing to make you so infatuated with a woman so much younger than yourself. Hopefully then your secretary will see that you have moved on and will maybe be able to trust you again.

 

IMO (and I have been on the receiving end as your sceretary has) no good can come of office 'friendships'. If the line is crossed it's hard for people to know where they stand. Things can be misinterpreted and then you can end up with a case for sexual harrassment.

[Trialbyfire]

There's a line of what's in good taste, which you've crossed. She probably considered you as someone she liked and trusted as a friend. In printing out her picture, it proved to her that your interest exceeded a simple attraction and went into the realm of being repulsive. I wouldn't doubt she's re-evaluating your friendship right now and seeing your past offers of kindness in a completely different light.

[WaterTiger]

I am devastated, and am starting to have physical problems from not eating or sleeping and the overwhelming sense of loss.....For me, this is like the sudden death of a loved one...Yet she is making me feel like she has lost nothing at all, and that she has happily moved on with her life and I’m not in it.

 

She probably thought your kindness was from a "Father/Daughter" kind of relationship. Now she realizes it was potentially sexual on your end. Having sex with your Dad is highly repulsive. You were never "in her life' so to speak, it's a business relationship, despite the fact you fell in love with her. I'm not blaming you, or judging you. No one can control the heart and who it loves.

 

Don't be surprised if she suddenly quits in a week or two.

[stillafool]

Recently, I printed a couple of attractive pictures of her that I had cropped and touched up portrait style. I kept them hidden in a drawer.

 

This is what freaked out your secretary and her husband.

 

One of these photos inadvertently got stuck to a file and ended up dropped on the floor down the hall. Ironically, she found it on the floor and confronted me with it. I was embarrassed and stunned and told her that I didn't know where it came from. This was late Friday afternoon as I left the office for a commitment. I confessed to her in an e-mail over the weekend that I had indeed dropped the picture and that I could explain why I had it.

 

I'm sure that she already knew you had a crush on her but didn't know it went that far. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but she and her h probably think you are a sicko. Her h doesn't want his wife working for someone who is obsessed with her. Also it doesnt matter about your friendship with her when it comes to them making the best decision for their family. I think she probably did you a favor by changing bosses. This will give you a chance to get over your infatuation.

 

Hence, I do not know if her intense reaction stems from my having retained her family pictures without her consent, whether she is disgusted that her much older boss may be infatuated with her, or if she has other breach of trust issues that I do not fully comprehend.

 

She was disgusted by this and so was her husband IMHO.

 

 

Now, however, I am trying to understand how what I have done could be completely "unforgivable," and why a solid, long term friendship is not just damaged, but completely destroyed, by my actions.

 

I think it is because the two of you are not on the "same page" as far as your friendship is concerned and now she knows this. She knows you are infatuated with her and does not want to encourage you at all.

 

I also want to understand the nature of the injury that I have inflicted upon her that has provoked such a reaction. Yet she is making me feel like she has lost nothing at all, and that she has happily moved on with her life and I’m not in it. I’m not looking for advice as much as I am for insight into these questions to help me cope with the consequences of my acts.

 

I think she was disgusted as she probably looked at you as a father figure and you disappointed her. Also she knows you are married and she probably feels sorry for your wife. You also have to understand your relationship is work related and as long as she is happy with her personal life it is easy to move on without you in her life.

[Mustang Sally]

Why is it unforgiveable?

 

Because you crossed a line, as others had stated, that the other person in the relationship was uncomfortable with.

 

This should serve as a relatively harmless (all things considered) wake-up call to you, to get over yourself (and her) and move on.

 

Good luck with that.

 

I totally agree with others that this reaction of hers substantiates (at least to me) that she has long been aware of your feelings....but thought them not to be a threat. This incident changed that, and she is reacting - in my mind - not inappropriately.

[stillafool]

Yet she is making me feel like she has lost nothing at all, and that she has happily moved on with her life and I’m not in it.

 

This statement confirms that you really need to move on. You were never in her "real" life, just co-workers, and you need to understand this.

[JamesM]

I agree with what the others said, but I would like to add something else. You do not know what experiences that she has had in her past that may have triggered her reaction.

 

Abut eight years ago, I was in administration and took a liking to a female employee in the factory. Looking back, I can see that my friendship was somewhat of an infatuation. Not in the sense of "love" or lust, but it was more in the sense that she was my "counseling project." No, I would not have cheated, and no, I did not have any pics of her. But I stopped by her station throughout the day if I went by and chatted a couple of minutes. She did begin confiding her past and her problems to me and I gave advice. Some of the advice for her became to intrusive or controlling in her view (ie the guy she began seeing was not good for her...and I was dumb enough to tell her). While I felt that my intentions were above board, she became concerned..and probably almost scared....that I was beginning to be too much. She did not know my past, and she had been through a bad marriage. She simply saw me as another (married) male who saw her as a potential female.

 

She approached her boss and asked him to tell me to back off. He was a friend and relayed it to me. I had no problem and did so. While it hurt, I felt that nothing good could come from trying to make her see me differently.

 

Looking back, I have still never understood why she was concerned...except for one thing.

 

At the station next to her was another girl (Natasha) who I really did not know. However, a couple of months later, Natasha was found dead in her apartment....killed by an ex who had been stalking her. She had had restraining orders on him but too no avail. I believe that her influence on Shana is what made her react as she did to my "attempts to help her." I think Natasha told Shana that I was trying to control her or even more. It was a lesson to me that although I know what my intentions are, others may have a different perception of them based on their past or other expereinces.

 

As TonyT said, time does heal. I quite talking to Shana, but after awhile, she did begin talking to me. She would give me a friendly hello or a nice comment. We did become friends again on a better level. I did begin talking to her again as she learned that I was simply who I appeared to be. However, I never gave her my opinions too much...I listened. I also made sure that she heard about my wife and children. We talked about her children.

 

My point? Your secretary has talked with her husband and watched the news. She has automatically assumed the worst because she has learned that we can never be too careful these days. She is now uncomfortable working for a man who obviously has an infatuation for her. She is concerned that you are stalking her. She does not want to be a statistic.

 

As has been said, leave her alone. Say hi and nothing more. In time, she will probably begin to warm up to you. Either way, hopefully, you also learned a lesson from this.

[Trialbyfire]

I might have been a little harsh in my comment of "repulsive", due to past experience. In one of my past jobs, there was a man who was about 15 years older who was my senior, within the work environment. I used to have a lot of respect for him, in that he was an excellent businessman and had a good sense of people management. When I put in my resignation, he like many others, asked me to go out after work for drinks and dinner for the standard goodbye. Since I was comfortable with him as a mentor figure, I agreed. We chatted and had a nice time, in a business sense. It was when he tried to kiss me and confessed his feelings that it completely put me off.

 

We were both married at the time and he had a son who was a few years younger than me, who also worked for the same company.

[SoleMate]

The "friendship" is destroyed because she has learned its true nature. Being someone's friend is not a subset of infatuation, or vice versa. I agree that she may have understood you had warm feelings for her, but assumed they were avuncular, mentorlike, platonic. Then when she realizes you have been privately playing with photos of her, every past word and deed is seen in a new and repellent light. Worse, she now gets to be the topic of office gossip that is hurtful and may even damage her professionally.

 

Men may not realize how disgusting unwanted romantic attentions or feelings can be to women who feel very differently. And I really doubt that it is age that is the problem - as you hopefully suggest. It is the fact that a professional relationship suddenly was revealed as sexually motivated.

 

Still don't get it? Try this: Imagine you're meeting with your favorite (male) supplier for drinks after work. You've always worked closely with him, and really enjoy his company and conversation about the industry, sports etc. Then, he leans over and sticks his tongue in your ear. Or, he pulls out a picture of you that has been retouched and Photoshopped to make you look like Kirk Douglas in "Spartacus". He sets it next to you and asks, "What do you think?" with a hopeful look in his eyes.

 

See how things can change all of a sudden?

 

You were in a 1-sided emotional affair (EA). Now it's over and you're in withdrawal. That's what you need to understand.

[uniqueone]

Sounds like others have already provided the answer....she saw you platonically and when you had those pictures of her, she realized that you saw her a different way.

 

When a woman doesn't like a guy THAT way and finds out that he's got pictures of her that he's hiding, her reaction is: "Ewwww....CREEPY!!!". I'm sorry, but it is.

It's nothing personal against you...it's not that YOU'RE creepy. It's just that it's creepy to her because she didn't think of you like that.

 

Let's say a woman goes to drop off something at a friend of her fathers that she's known since she was a child. In his house, she comes across a desk that has all these pictures of her on it that he downloaded off of her personals ad online. That would be kinda creepy, wouldn't it?

 

Now, she doesn't fault the guy for liking her..he's a man...he can be attracted to a woman. But they had already established a relationship as non-sexual and he suddenly changed that.

 

When we meet someone, there's an interaction between each other which determines whether or not there's a sexual connection. If there's not, then a platonic relationship is established. We do it with our body language. When there's no sexual chemistry, our bodies relax...we become more casual...we let go. We (at least women anyway) don't feel we have to guard ourselves. The person is "safe". He's not threatening in a sexual way.

 

When someone IS sexually threatening, we choose how close we want to get and how soon.

 

So she felt you were safe and non-threatening and then BAM! she just found out that all along you weren't! That gave her no opportunity to choose how close she wanted to get or how soon. She wasn't aware that it was going on all this time and that's frightened her because if she wasn't aware of THAT, then it tells herself that she can't read you. And if she can't read you, she doesn't know what else you could be keeping from her.

[LPat]

I would like to express my appreciation to all who have posted, and hopefully will continue to post, in response to mine. Although I have heard some words that I had never expected to hear (e.g., creepy, repulsive, disgusting, repellant, etc.), these were things that I obviously needed to hear. Friends in whom I have confided have taken Cheery Cherry’s approach, but my former secretary’s actions have conveyed that the problem ran far deeper than that. Your collective candor and bluntness has helped me gain the "insight" that I requested from you in the first place.

 

I have learned many things from your collective wisdom, but the stark reality of why my sin was "unforgiveable" was best brought home to me by SoleMate:

 

I agree that she may have understood you had warm feelings for her, but assumed they were avuncular, mentorlike, platonic. Then when she realizes you have been privately playing with photos of her,

every past word and deed is seen in a new and repellent light.

My former secretary probably cannot afford to leave here (high pay, poor economy, likes others in the office). Given the small size of the office and that this is not a temporary situation that will soon blow over, my new question is, "Do I owe it to her to do everything possible to leave this workplace?"

[uniqueone]

The fact that you said "do I owe it to her" says to me that you still have her on your mind too much.....still too much of an obsession. It indicates to me that you think there's something between you two still...some connection. There's nothing between you two.....she's erased it. Therefore, no one owe's anyone anything. Just let it go....do your work. (that's what you're there for, right?)

 

You're ready to retire soon so why would you look elsewhere now? And seriously, how easy do you think it would be to get another job at your age and at the level you're probably at?

[bestadvisor]

Do I owe it to her to do everything possible to leave this workplace?"

 

 

Does your wife know about this incident and about your feelings? Do you owe it to the woman who has dedicated her life to you to tell her the truth? Do you owe it to your wife to leave your job and face economic and financial uncertainty? Do you owe it to your wife to not spending all your time, energy, and emotion on another woman? Do you owe it to your wife to put more effort into your marriage?

[JamesM]

I would like to express my appreciation to all who have posted, and hopefully will continue to post, in response to mine.

 

 

Given the small size of the office and that this is not a temporary situation that will soon blow over, my new question is, "Do I owe it to her to do everything possible to leave this workplace?"

 

 

You are welcome.

 

 

 

And to your question, an emphatic no. You have done nothing illegal. It may border on the "creepy" or rather from your angle, an infatuation, but the situation has been rectified. If you left, then this would make it appear that you are not only guilty of what is seen (ie keeping the pictures) but of what is now known (ie. fantasies and other stories..."Do you think he has a wall of her pictures at home?")

 

Based on my experiences, I can say that it is quite likely that time will smooth things over.

[Mustang Sally]

I agree with JamesM. You don't have to find a new job over this incident, as long as you can move on in your mind.

 

I don't agree that you are mandated to tell your wife about this.

 

Just my opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

The person you do owe, is your wife. Take a good hard look at your marriage and ask yourself how you managed to allow yourself to fixate on someone else, to the level of creepy.

[stillafool]

The person you do owe, is your wife. Take a good hard look at your marriage and ask yourself how you managed to allow yourself to fixate on someone else, to the level of creepy.

 

....and also ask yourself why you are still trying to put this girl's best interest ahead of you and your wife. To even think of finding another job at your age and with the time you've invested there tells me you still are infatuated with her.

[glamgurl36]

she's probably just trying really hard not to give you mixed messages..you did go a little overboard...i think you should just get over her and not make any more pictures of her lol

[Deanster]

I was embarrassed and stunned and told her that I didn't know where it came from... I confessed to her in an e-mail over the weekend that I had indeed dropped the picture and that I could explain why I had it.

 

So, right here is the problem. She was surprised by the photo, and came to find out what's up. If you had answered 'Ooops, sorry 'bout that - I found that on my computer a couple days ago, left over from the last time you asked me to help you with your photos, and I thought it was a great pic, so I printed it, and meant to look for a frame similar to the last one you asked me to do for you. I'm really sorry it ended up in the hallway', it probably would have been fine.

 

Instead, you a) lied, b) confessed, c) told her that 'you could explain'

 

These, individually or together, are POWERFUL signs that this wasn't simply a continuation of your previous photo-editing relationship, but that you'd made a step into the creepy.

 

"I can explain..." is probably the biggest indicator in the English language that you know you've crossed a line, and have a lame rationalization you'd like to share, to make things seem better.

 

When it became 'unforgivable', is when you gave a set of very powerful clues that this wasn't just a continuation of your long-standing innocent photo relationship.

[Mary3]

I try to imagine myself in this situation. : An older man by 20 years or so has been taking pictures of me and one of them is laying on the floor at work , obviously cropped and photoshopped ( not sure what else you did to the pic ) and when I confront him he says " I don't know anything about this picture " and then later confesses the whole thing...I would feel like : " Why does this guy have a picture of me and many others ? Is he obsessed ? He could be my Grandfather ! I don't want this kind of friendship. Then Zap !, friendship is so OVER.

 

This story reminds me of when I was married ( 10 years ago ) and I used to water my lawn and an older creepy neighbor would stop and talk to me everyday ( geez I just wanted to water the flowers ). He did this for many weeks. I should add I had cute shorts on but nevertheless....One day my husband came flaming in the house and had an envelope . He was yelling. He said there was a nude picture of the neighbor ! The creepoid left it on the back porch.! Needless to say I did NOT look at the picture and my husband raced over to the neighbors house. Whatever he said to him , the neighbor NEVER talked to me again. My husband also threatened to tell the wife. Get this . She worked for the Rape Crisis Center. I am not kidding !

 

So once you , as an older much older man , invade her world , she is going to freak !