Trying to "network" but all they seem to want is to get in my pants!!!

[infiniteQuest]

We all have been told that networking is very important for one's career. Being a very shy person, networking and socializing doesn't come to me easily. I do try to make an effort though, and go out during happy hour with coworkers sometimes, as well as to corporate events. I talk to anybody I am able to spark a conversation with.

 

However, it seems that the only people who want to continue carrying a conversation with me seem to be men with ulterior motives. I work in a field dominated by men, and I happen to be very young to be in that field and at the same time am a very attractive female. I am confident in my professional skills, and always dress and speak in a professional manner, but of course I probably know much less than most of the seniors with whom I work on a daily basis. However, a lot of times when these men speak with me, I have a strong gut feeling that they're trying to flirt or that they are interested more in my looks than in what I have to say.

 

Occasionally I will keep in contact with some of them, just to see what their motives really are, and to my dismay end up discovering their indecent intentions. Am I doing something wrong, or are most men just perverts? How to deal with this and still be able to stay open to social contact? I am losing my confidence in myself as being capable of carrying an interesting conversation.

[Quinch]

What business are you in exactly?

 

I'm afraid these men are probably not taking you seriously because of your youth. Show them you mean business by your demeanor and how you dress. Make Margaret Thatcher your role model. She never stood for any **** from anyone

 

And if you catch them staring at your boobs just say "excuse me, I'm up here."

 

Good luck.

[tommyr]

Let's see... you go to happy hour at a bar and to networking events held at a local hotel/conference center also featuring a bar. Of course attractive women will get hit on! Even guys like me get hit on (usually by ladies) at those things. It is just human nature... mix a bunch of well dressed males and females in a room with alcohol and music, sure enough many are wanting to get into somebody's pants.

 

If you want to maximize the "networking" aspects while minimizing the sexual advances, I suggest you go early and stay for only the first 45 minutes or so.

[lindya]

Good looks will win a woman attention at work-related functions...but that attention in turn provides you with the opportunity to either shine or fall on your face. Part of shining involves demonstrating that you're capable of being friendly, entertaining company - while at the same time being able to clearly but diplomatically define your boundaries. It's an art that the more successful men in your workplace may well judge you on.

 

If a guy in the workplace makes a drunken pass at you and you react with indignation and label him as a pervert, instead of just discreetly rejecting the advance and carrying on as normal - well, who knows? He may well be just a perv. I think, though, that "naive and easily shocked" is probably as destructive a label to wear in the workplace as "groping perv".

 

There are plenty of women out there who get along very well with men in the workplace, without it all turning inappropriate. Identifying those women and learning from them would probably be more helpful rather than getting hung up on the idea that the men at your work only want to get into your pants.

[Road Rage]

infiniteQuest

 

There is no way at work to stop men from wanting to get into your pants. However there is a fine art to letting them know that isn`t going to happen.

 

Being young, you probably don`t realize how to properly communicate to your male co-workers. You are probably being too casual with your style. Your efforts at networking and socializing, going to happy hours and such probably are giving these guys hope that you are looking for a romp.

 

If your are attractive a guy`s imagination will always wander in that direction when you are friendly.

[infiniteQuest]

Thanks very much for your replies. So could anybody elaborate on how to be friendly without inviting anything more than that? I do not believe that I ever did or said anything that could have been mistaken for an invitation to flirting with me. I don't even talk much at all because I don't really know how to network.

 

Also, when a man tries to make a pass at you it is never explicit. He will always disguise it as friendliness. Then at some point I often get a gut feeling that kicks in and tries to tell me that he has other intentions. That's the part that is very uncomfortable for me because I try to remain friendly, but at the same time the man isn't making any explicit advances or saying anything inappropriate, so there is nothing to reject diplomatically. A lot of times when this gut feeling kicks in, I end up just avoiding the person afterwards and want nothing to do with him because it makes me awfully uncomfortable. My problem is that it seems that there are so many men that have been doing this to me lately. My self esteem is suffering because it makes me feel like there's nothing more to me than just looks!

[Trialbyfire]

Good looks will win a woman attention at work-related functions...but that attention in turn provides you with the opportunity to either shine or fall on your face. Part of shining involves demonstrating that you're capable of being friendly, entertaining company - while at the same time being able to clearly but diplomatically define your boundaries. It's an art that the more successful men in your workplace may well judge you on.

 

If a guy in the workplace makes a drunken pass at you and you react with indignation and label him as a pervert, instead of just discreetly rejecting the advance and carrying on as normal - well, who knows? He may well be just a perv. I think, though, that "naive and easily shocked" is probably as destructive a label to wear in the workplace as "groping perv".

 

There are plenty of women out there who get along very well with men in the workplace, without it all turning inappropriate. Identifying those women and learning from them would probably be more helpful rather than getting hung up on the idea that the men at your work only want to get into your pants.

Exactly lindya.

 

infiniteQuest, learn to flirt without intent, if you both enjoy it. There's a line in the sand that you draw and when people cross it, you let them know in a non-confrontational manner, through humour and body language, that they've gone too far. A light zinger in public can dissuade even the most ardent suitor, as long as you don't humiliate them.

[lindya]

Thanks very much for your replies. So could anybody elaborate on how to be friendly without inviting anything more than that? I do not believe that I ever did or said anything that could have been mistaken for an invitation to flirting with me. I don't even talk much at all because I don't really know how to network.

 

Pretty much what TBF is saying - mild flirting is often just part of friendly, human interaction between the sexes, and if you can't learn to be relaxed about it, you're going to have problems networking. I've seen people doing the networking thing while maintaining an air of detached professionalism, and in my view it doesn't work. Those people tend to come across as a too detached and difficult to warm to.

 

Also, when a man tries to make a pass at you it is never explicit. He will always disguise it as friendliness. Then at some point I often get a gut feeling that kicks in and tries to tell me that he has other intentions. That's the part that is very uncomfortable for me because I try to remain friendly, but at the same time the man isn't making any explicit advances or saying anything inappropriate, so there is nothing to reject diplomatically. A lot of times when this gut feeling kicks in, I end up just avoiding the person afterwards and want nothing to do with him because it makes me awfully uncomfortable. My problem is that it seems that there are so many men that have been doing this to me lately. My self esteem is suffering because it makes me feel like there's nothing more to me than just looks!

 

From what you're saying, these guys at your work aren't doing anything untoward and this discomfort relates more to your own anxieties. A guy at work finding you sexually attractive doesn't need to be something that makes you feel uncomfortable, because essentially it doesn't become your problem unless they make an explicit advance which you have to repel.

 

If you're uncomfortable with men finding you attractive, and if that's being conveyed to others, then it will generally make you a less easy person to be around. It'll also convey the impression that you've not learned to be comfortable with your own sexuality....and in my view that would make you more of a target for the office rake, not less of one.

 

Focus on thinking and acting like a grown woman and you'll be fine. Women aren't afraid of being looked at sexually, and neither do they fret about being too attractive to be taken seriously.

[infiniteQuest]

If you're uncomfortable with men finding you attractive, and if that's being conveyed to others, then it will generally make you a less easy person to be around. It'll also convey the impression that you've not learned to be comfortable with your own sexuality....and in my view that would make you more of a target for the office rake, not less of one.

 

Focus on thinking and acting like a grown woman and you'll be fine. Women aren't afraid of being looked at sexually, and neither do they fret about being too attractive to be taken seriously.

 

 

Thank you lindya. I think you're making a good point in that it's important that I learn to be comfortable with being looked at sexually, which I admit I am not. I guess I still have a lot to learn. For reference, I am in my early twenties, and most people at work are at least 40, so I feel like I am the only one with this problem.

 

Just out of curiosity, why do you say that not being comfortable with one's own sexuality would make her more of a target? Do you mean that it makes her comes off as vulnerable and/or naive?

[Green]

it makes you more of target because an awkward person like yourself stands out like a sore thumb. Looking good can only be an advantage, your attitude only a disadvantage. I dont know why your so affraid of the middle aged but you need to grow a pair... figurativly of course. From what you've described it sounds like you need to work on your innervoice and confidence, stop placing the power of how you feel about yourself in other people. Believe me one day soon your sexyness is going to drop so enjoy it while it lasts.

[lindya]

Thank you lindya. I think you're making a good point in that it's important that I learn to be comfortable with being looked at sexually, which I admit I am not. I guess I still have a lot to learn. For reference, I am in my early twenties, and most people at work are at least 40, so I feel like I am the only one with this problem.

 

Just out of curiosity, why do you say that not being comfortable with one's own sexuality would make her more of a target? Do you mean that it makes her comes off as vulnerable and/or naive?

 

Yes. Back when I was in my twenties, I was sexually harassed by an older guy at work. The more I shrank away from him, the more he came onto me. He thought nothing of grabbing me in the corridor and planting a "fatherly" kiss on my forehead, and even joked about the fact that it would be considered sexual harassment. I'd use body language to give what I thought were "f*ck off and die" whenever he came near, but it didn't dissuade him a bit. In fact it worsened matters.

 

Eventually I started seeing a guy who told me that my body language tended to be nervous and submissive looking, and that becoming more confident looking was a bit part in standing up to sleazebags. So if, for instance, Mr Perv walked up behind my desk and leaned over me intrusively, instead of tensing up and pulling at my skirt to cover my legs, I was to focus on remaining relaxed, avoid making "cover myself up" gestures, sit back being very comfortable in my femaleness (the equivalent to a macho bloke ostentatiously scratching his balls) and give him a "yes? Can I help you, you tedious little f*ck?" look.

 

Just changing my body language made me more confident in dealing with that guy. Yes - it's definitely about behaving like a woman rather than a scared little girl. That also helps men to be more comfortable around you, and to treat you as an equal rather than as a little kid.

[infiniteQuest]

That's great advice, thank you so much. You know I never used to think about it this way. I normally would think that if I didn't start covering myself up and try to say with my body language that whatever he's doing is unwelcome (probably that same awkward "f*ck off and die" that you're talking about), then I would come off as being naive and clueless as to what's going on. I often feel that it makes me look sleezy as well when a man is staring at me and I don't do anything about it, if that makes sense?

 

I guess my situation is the same as that of those women who get upset that sleezebags whistle at them when they walk down the street in a mini skirt and take it to the heart. I've never had a problem ignoring these people without getting uncomfortable. For some reason I feel differently around older people. And the strange part is that when younger men in the workplace do the same thing, my reaction is completely different. I feel more in control, and I don't feel uncomfortable (except that doesn't happen often because there are so few of them). However, when it's an older man, whom I know has tons more knowledge and experience that I do, I do end up feeling like a little girl! Ah I think we've just figured out what my problem really is!

[Green]

Im posibly younger then you but when im 40 if im single im definetly going to hit on the 20 something girl if shes not a loser

[Heavenly55]

Do you look like a victoris secret model or something that every single one of these men is trying to get you into bed. What exactly are they saying that makes you think this? You were being pretty vague in your post. They are saying oh come over this weekend lol? I too am in my 20s and work with many middle aged men but in my case I'm not into networking and don't attend happy hour. I have 2 men in particular stare at me nonstop in the office and of course it is uncomfortable but I give them no reaction. My own boss is older and married and stares at me all the time. I always feel his eyes on me and a few times I've given him the side eye and caught him just leering. I've never had any advances made at me though bc I think I give off that "don't bother me" vibe which I guess could be good and bad though. You're always going to be viewed as a sexual being but dress appopriately. As a women we should be able to wear a tight blouse without having all eyes on our boobs all day long. But since men are governed by their penises I guess that's life.

[infiniteQuest]

Do you look like a victoris secret model or something that every single one of these men is trying to get you into bed. What exactly are they saying that makes you think this? You were being pretty vague in your post. They are saying oh come over this weekend lol?

With the old and wise crowd, things are never explicit. At that age most will have mastered the art of diplomacy and getting a message across like a politician. Their words are smooth and carefully chosen. Sometimes you don't even know what's going on until it is too late and you're facing an uncomfortable situation.

 

And no, I do not look like a VS model. I don't even have much boobs to begin with, and I do dress appropriately. Typical work outfit would be a crisp shirt and pants, business suits for meetings. I don't even know what they see in me, perhaps it is the fact that I am the only young female around that is open to socializing.

 

 

I too am in my 20s and work with many middle aged men but in my case I'm not into networking and don't attend happy hour. I have 2 men in particular stare at me nonstop in the office and of course it is uncomfortable but I give them no reaction. My own boss is older and married and stares at me all the time. I always feel his eyes on me and a few times I've given him the side eye and caught him just leering. I've never had any advances made at me though bc I think I give off that "don't bother me" vibe which I guess could be good and bad though. You're always going to be viewed as a sexual being but dress appopriately. As a women we should be able to wear a tight blouse without having all eyes on our boobs all day long. But since men are governed by their penises I guess that's life.

 

Well, if I weren't attending happy hour or social events, I doubt that I would have this problem. It is easy to avoid a lot of men and simply socialize with a chosen few. However, I realize the importance of networking for work, and this is why I have to attend these events. Not that I actually enjoy it, I simply try to make the best of it because it is necessary for my job.

[Road Rage]

infiniteQuest

 

I really don`t believe it is ever necessary to attend happy hour for your job. You are mistaken on this point. People who have busy lives seldom have time for happy hour and drinking and driving is not good sense.

 

It would make a stronger impression to all if you did not attend happy hour. It is making you look desperate perhaps and this is driving these men wild. You know what they say....you drive me wild and I will drive you crazy:lmao:

[Green]

come work for me we'll have no underwear tuesdays and topless fridays

[Heavenly55]

With the old and wise crowd, things are never explicit. At that age most will have mastered the art of diplomacy and getting a message across like a politician. Their words are smooth and carefully chosen. Sometimes you don't even know what's going on until it is too late and you're facing an uncomfortable situation.

.

It has nothing to do with age. Again you are avoiding the question. What exactly was said..something had to be said or done to give you this idea that they are all trying to sleep with you. And noo you do not need to be attending every happy hour in order to network.

[Lady Aurora]

InfiniteQuest,

 

You may find it helpful to invent a long-distance boyfriend. I have oftentimes when I was younger and found myself in similar situations of being hit on "saved face" by being able to say Sorry I have a boyfriend/husband. Of course, a real boyfriend would be ideal. But, don't be afraid to invent a SO when you deal with these men. You can still do your social networking, but it lets them know you are "off limits". There will always be a few sleazebags that go for it anyway, but it is much easier to say sorry I am not available then it is to say sorry I was just being a tease.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, if I weren't attending happy hour or social events, I doubt that I would have this problem. It is easy to avoid a lot of men and simply socialize with a chosen few. However, I realize the importance of networking for work, and this is why I have to attend these events. Not that I actually enjoy it, I simply try to make the best of it because it is necessary for my job.

 

 

I dont know what kind of field you work in... but I'm in sales and its pretty much the same way! The dirty old men always go straight for the young girls... and the more innocent and uncomfortable you seem, the more they will get interested.

 

Oh, and since I absolutely rock at networking, here is a tip! Make sure you identify the decision makers and get in close with them first! Work on thier friends too! Of course maybe your already doing that!

[DazedandConfused66]

If you are in a mostly male-dominated field, it's not uncommong to find the "stand out" females who have made a place for themselves as being influential, different and professional in that particular field. At least one. If you really want to network and make it up the ladder in your field, why not try networking with her?

 

I know of many fields where there exists a "woman's mentoring" type of thing. I actually think women are typically better at mentoring younger recruits to the field if you first make the move to tell them you admire and respect their accomplishments. You don't have to ask for a formal mentoring relationship....just a small little fan note or maybe asking their professional advice on something.

 

I'm not saying ignore the males....you have to co-exist with them. But if they aren't interested in much more than getting in your pants anyways, then lets be honest....why the hell do you want to have them in your network in the first place?

 

Life is too short for games. Find network contacts that matter and work the relationship. Be honest...I've had this happen to me with both male and female rookies alike. I'm flattered when they want to know me and emulate my career. Some of them I've developed life-long relationships with, up to the point of accepting formal mentoring challenges. Others, just part of my network of associates.

 

You sound like a smart woman...if you think the guys aren't interested in helping your career, then move on. They aren't worth worrying about either.

[Trialbyfire]

There's a happy medium to networking. Even if they're interested in getting into your pants, you can still create a mutual respect and even admiration, situation, without leading them on.

 

The last thing you want is to create the impression of being someone who's going to get uptight about a little harmless flirting.

[infiniteQuest]

It has nothing to do with age. Again you are avoiding the question. What exactly was said..something had to be said or done to give you this idea that they are all trying to sleep with you. And noo you do not need to be attending every happy hour in order to network.

 

Well it's either a gut feeling, or the men are just clearly trying to hit on me... In any case, I have difficulty figuring out when/where to draw the line to avoid taking things too far where I get really uncomfortable.

[infiniteQuest]

InfiniteQuest,

 

You may find it helpful to invent a long-distance boyfriend. I have oftentimes when I was younger and found myself in similar situations of being hit on "saved face" by being able to say Sorry I have a boyfriend/husband. Of course, a real boyfriend would be ideal. But, don't be afraid to invent a SO when you deal with these men. You can still do your social networking, but it lets them know you are "off limits". There will always be a few sleazebags that go for it anyway, but it is much easier to say sorry I am not available then it is to say sorry I was just being a tease.

 

See, this is another problem.. I DO have a boyfriend, and everybody knows about it. I thought this would save me from bad intentions so I sort of let my guard down recently because of that, thinking that people would have some respect for others' relationships. Apparently, I was wrong.. hell, some people don't even have that much respect for their own marriage.

[infiniteQuest]

I dont know what kind of field you work in... but I'm in sales and its pretty much the same way! The dirty old men always go straight for the young girls... and the more innocent and uncomfortable you seem, the more they will get interested.

 

Oh, and since I absolutely rock at networking, here is a tip! Make sure you identify the decision makers and get in close with them first! Work on thier friends too! Of course maybe your already doing that!

 

Thanks for the advice, I think this is the best point that's been made by you and some other people in this thread, and something I didn't think about before: having confidence and being comfortable are key.

 

As for networking, thanks for the tip And since you rock at it, please feel free to add more tips, I'd be interested in hearing another person's strategies about how to handle different people..