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Former supervisor and online relationship


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Sparklegirl100

About 3 years ago, I became enamoured by my married supervisor. He made some flirtatious remarks with me throughout that year and based on his body language, I summoned that he was quite interested in me. We never had a physical intimate relationship.

 

I was a member of a forum in which I later found out, this supervisor was a member too. After a few private message exchanges with a member on that site, I started to correspond online with this fellow. As time went by and I observed the behavior and remarks of this supervisor at the workplace, I strongly suspected that I was communicating with him online .

 

About 6 months after I started working at this place, I was ready to quit and move back home. I left a message at the office's main voice mail, my voice was a bit distraught, stating I was going to quit. When I was in my hometown for the holiday period, my parents told me some man (who never identified himself) asked if I was going to return. I now wonder if it was him.

 

When I returned to that workplace, I ended up having a mental breakdown for which I was hospitalized. When I came out of that hospitalization, he was morally supportive of me - probably one of the few people that was decent with me. We talked online for the next few months (through monikers). A lot of co-workers (some of whom were friends of his) would make references to him and me in a fliratious way - I think the whole workplace was aware of the feelings we had for one another.

 

I was very emotionally attached to him but when I moved away after a year to another city, I decided I couldn't take it anymore because after all, he was married and had 3 kids. It was extremely painful. A few months later, we communicated again at the forum where we met through another moniker he had taken. That was a bit over a year ago.

 

He has been communicating off and on with me via email since a year ago, but it is always though partially fictional stories/life based stories - it is very strange. I feel like he is playing mind games with me. I heard rumors about his wife having a fourth child. I am so fed up with being kept in the dark. I don't know what his real home situation is. I think he may have been separated for a while but is now back with his wife. I know that we are not fated to be together but at least could he be honest as a friend?

 

He has left anonymous messages on my parents answering machine. I was aggravated by that so I gave him my cell number if he wanted to communicate with me. I am so fed up. He keeps toying with my mind and I feel like exposing him with former co-workers , his wife and even one of his closests friends (who is a member of the forum were we met online).

 

I feel so tempted to be vengeful. I feel like I have been so ridiculed. I don't deserve to be treated like this. The problem is , I am still so terribly in love with this man but I feel like I should simply let him go completely and never communicate with him for the rest of my life.

 

I wish I could get over him but I don't know how. He doesn't know how to be straight forward and honest with me. For him, it has been a source of amusement. What do I do?

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Extinguish him! It's the same as robbing a fire of oxygen. It will flicker and die.

 

Don't respond to him in any way any longer and pretty soon it won't be fun for him anymore and he'll find someone else to bedevil. He obviously lacks character and integrity and you're better off without him in your life.

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Sparklegirl100

Thanks, I've thought about it. But there is something that makes me feel guilty- you see, I can't ever forget the times he was emotionally supportive of me when I had some rough times. I can't forget it. He's given me his online friendship which is the best he can do. In that way, it is hard to extinguish him 100%. I don't know how to explain it. I wish he could just have the guts to call me on my cell phone and have a REAL conversation.

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Sparklegirl100

thanks, anyhow, Curmudgeon. my online relationship with this man is quite complex. it's hard to describe. i know that despite it all - he loves me in some form as a friend. i have thought of cutting him off completely on many occasions but I just can't right now because it wouldn't be fair to him after how he cared for me when I was fragile. i can hardly believe we have talked for about 2 years already. there is nothing i would want more in the world than just to hug him and tell him how much I love him but I know that will never happen.

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Do you think, possibly, this is what's holding you back from any other relationships (reference to your following post about a good woman)?

 

I know that for my part it's not too difficult to figure out if someone is emotionally involved with someone else and that's very off-putting. If a woman is going to be with me I want her to do so without reservation and if we're going to involve our hearts with one another there'd best be no part of eithers' that belongs to or is reserved for another. That, to me, is tantamount to emotional infidelity.

 

Just a thought!

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Sparklegirl100

You are very perceptive. Yes, I suppose it is partially holding me back from other relationships. However, since I last saw my supervisor in person about 1 1/2 years ago, I have dated a few guys so I am open to meeting new men.

 

I haven't really told anyone about how I have felt about this former supervisor. I think I will always love him even if I meet someone else and get married. It's hard to explain. I suppose it's because he's cared for me more than any other guy I've met before. I'd like to ask him why he bothers with me, someday. I care for him more than he'll ever know.

 

Maybe some day soon, I'll meet someone who cares just as much or more for me than he does - just haven't met that man yet.

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When you do, and I hope it happens -- Nay! -- I'm sure it will happen, I sincerely hope you can give him your whole heart because he'll deserve nothing less.

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  • 1 month later...
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Sparklegirl100

Well, here is the update. I don't know how, but my mom has become very suspicious and makes hints about how one should stay away from flirtatious married men because all they want is sex.

 

There is a lot my mom doesn't know about myself and this supervisor- mainly, the ongoing communication we have had. I rarely talked about him to her but sometimes, she has seen me cry and she'll ask me what is wrong but I can't tell her. You can't always tell your mom everything.

 

A few weeks back, my mom told me about some newspaper article which discussed why married men flirt with single girls- to spice up their sex life with their wives, to get their wives jealous and more possessive of them etc. I felt so guilty for communicating with this man. We've never had a physical relationship and yet I feel this immense guilt.

 

I've avoided emailing him but it has been very painful. In some strange ways, he has been so good to me - a good online friend but at the same time, it is painful for me to care so much for someone who probably sees me as a form of entertainment or an "ego booster". After 3 years of knowing him, I still haven't figured him out. I feel like I am being used as an emotional crutch of some sort.

 

I care about him so much but our relationship is limited to an ongoing pen pal relationship. I wish I could tell him about how bad I have felt since I've had these conversations with my mom - maybe he would understand the guilt I have felt. It's not that I don't care- I actually care so much that I want to let him work on his marriage. I hope he finds happiness with his wife.

 

I've met a few interesting new fellows recently but we've only just met so I have to give them time and see where it is headed...but I wonder if they will care as much for me as he has. I've had my battles with manic depression and he morally supported me through those episodes. I seem so strong and yet I am kind of weak like a little girl.

 

I've been experiencing a lot of emotional stress from this- I've had to pull my car over on the highway because of terrible chest pain. I am not exaggerating when I say that my heart is broken because it really is- I might have even brought on some damage to my heart and have been referred to a cardiologist. I haven't told this man about how upset I have been sometimes.

 

It's hard that I can't talk about this with anyone. None of my friends know about this.

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Sparkle-girl

 

Please walk away from the situation. It sounds like this guy knows every play in the book. Including the one where he is supportive of you to gain your trust. He doesn't have any business being supportive of you in that way. He should have been a work mentor and nothing more. He has other commitments and obligations (wife, 3 children) He is really immature if he is online finding strangers to chat with when he could be doing something for his kids instead. It sucks not to have anyone to talk to about it but you may not hear their advice if they are close to you anyway. This probably sounds a little harsh but I wish someone had told me to walk away from a bad situation 20 years ago. I still have regrets and wish I had known then what I know now. You deserve someone who is able to commit to you and focus on nothing but you. You must be full of life with a moniker like sparkle girl. Don't let him suck the life out of you! Good luck and get going on with your new life!

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Sparklegirl100
Sparkle-girl

 

Please walk away from the situation. It sounds like this guy knows every play in the book. Including the one where he is supportive of you to gain your trust. He doesn't have any business being supportive of you in that way. He should have been a work mentor and nothing more. He has other commitments and obligations (wife, 3 children) He is really immature if he is online finding strangers to chat with when he could be doing something for his kids instead. It sucks not to have anyone to talk to about it but you may not hear their advice if they are close to you anyway. This probably sounds a little harsh but I wish someone had told me to walk away from a bad situation 20 years ago. I still have regrets and wish I had known then what I know now. You deserve someone who is able to commit to you and focus on nothing but you. You must be full of life with a moniker like sparkle girl. Don't let him suck the life out of you! Good luck and get going on with your new life!

 

You are right. I recently wrote him an email clearly telling him that he should focus on his kids and wife and forget about me. He's not writing to me anymore. I think he got the point. He can still write me but shouldn't expect anything from me other than pen pals.

 

As long as he is married, he can forget about me. If he's ever single again, maybe he can look me up - but by that time, I will probably either be engaged or married.

 

The funny thing is, I am going to be moving to a state near him within the next few years and there is a likelihood of him bumping into me with my future fiance/husband and perhaps even kids (if I have any). Life does have a funny sense of humour.

 

I'll always have fond memories of him and love him but we didn't meet under proper conditions (when he was single).

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  • 2 years later...
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Sparklegirl100

It is hard to believe that it has been a few years since I posted this thread. I have a brief update - all form of communication seems to have come to an end with this man. Sometimes, I do think about him but I know it is a dead end since he is married. I realize right now that it was a game of power/ego for him as some others on this forum have remarked. He has clearly moved on. I hope he is dedicating himself to his wife and kids.

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