Jump to content

no sex before marriage issue


Recommended Posts

BlueRidgeMTs

I just started going to a christian church with some friends who invited me. One of the friends met a guy in church who has been married/divorced a couple of times, dated a bunch of women, and now for the past 4 years has turned his life around and found christianity.

 

My friend has only been dating him for about 2 months, and says that he does not want to have sex before marriage. Sense im still fresh out of the "secular" world, this ios all new to me. As a woman, we know to make the guy wait until we fel the guy really wants to be with us, and not just looking for a booty call. But, the whole no sex before marriage thing is new to me. Espescially listening to my friend. She has spent the night with her boyfriend at least 6 times now. They lay in bed, and he cuddles her, and they sleep like that. No sex. She told me that once or twice she has actually felt him up (yes he was hard) but he still had the restraint not to do anything. I should tell you my friend is new to christianity too.

 

I guess im just a skeptical. My friend is pretty, but she could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I wonder if she were smoking hot would it be so easy to keep his hands off her. I dont say that to her, but as she is new to chrisitianity too, i know she thinks that also. And that is because the last girl her boyfriend dated, he COULDNT keep his hands off her, and he eventually had sex with her. ( might I add this girl was pretty with a hot body) He said he felt dirty, and talked to his pastor about it. He said it bothered him a lot. He said after that the relationship went sour. This guy has introduced my friend to all his family and friends, says he loves her, and is already thinking ahead to a future for the both of them.

 

I guess my question is for you men that say you follow the no sex before marriage thing, is it easier the less hotter your girlfriend is? I mean this guy has been in the BED with my friend, holding each other, and having her rub on him, yet still was able not to let anything happen. And he has only turned his life over to God about 4 years ago, and he is 47 years old now. Before that he was a playboy. I dont know, my secular mind just isnt used to all this I guess. Espescially since the guy DID sleep with his hotter ex girlfriend. Do I just lack faith and understanding at this point since I am new? I tend to question everything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Bitterman24/7
I just started going to a christian church with some friends who invited me. One of the friends met a guy in church who has been married/divorced a couple of times, dated a bunch of women, and now for the past 4 years has turned his life around and found christianity.

 

My friend has only been dating him for about 2 months, and says that he does not want to have sex before marriage. Sense im still fresh out of the "secular" world, this ios all new to me. As a woman, we know to make the guy wait until we fel the guy really wants to be with us, and not just looking for a booty call. But, the whole no sex before marriage thing is new to me. Espescially listening to my friend. She has spent the night with her boyfriend at least 6 times now. They lay in bed, and he cuddles her, and they sleep like that. No sex. She told me that once or twice she has actually felt him up (yes he was hard) but he still had the restraint not to do anything. I should tell you my friend is new to christianity too.

 

I guess im just a skeptical. My friend is pretty, but she could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I wonder if she were smoking hot would it be so easy to keep his hands off her. I dont say that to her, but as she is new to chrisitianity too, i know she thinks that also. And that is because the last girl her boyfriend dated, he COULDNT keep his hands off her, and he eventually had sex with her. ( might I add this girl was pretty with a hot body) He said he felt dirty, and talked to his pastor about it. He said it bothered him a lot. He said after that the relationship went sour. This guy has introduced my friend to all his family and friends, says he loves her, and is already thinking ahead to a future for the both of them.

 

I guess my question is for you men that say you follow the no sex before marriage thing, is it easier the less hotter your girlfriend is? I mean this guy has been in the BED with my friend, holding each other, and having her rub on him, yet still was able not to let anything happen. And he has only turned his life over to God about 4 years ago, and he is 47 years old now. Before that he was a playboy. I dont know, my secular mind just isnt used to all this I guess. Espescially since the guy DID sleep with his hotter ex girlfriend. Do I just lack faith and understanding at this point since I am new? I tend to question everything.

 

I've been divorced for 4 years now, but before me and my ex-w got married it was hard for me because she was so attractive, yet we both were virgins so the feeling was mutual. If the guy has changed as you stated, then your girlfriend should respect that, especially if she plans on staying with him for life.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, if she is unattractive it will be easier for him to resist.

 

I'm ignoring all the other red flags as well as the one that raises too. I assume you've warned her as a good friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites
.. and he is 47 years old now. Before that he was a playboy.

 

This is all the info you need to understand his ability to say no.

 

He`s had women, he`s mature, he puts his standards before all else.

 

I get so sick of everyone thinking all men are nothing more than a life support system for their constantly erect pricks.

 

It`s like women think men just lose their minds when in the presence of a woman.

 

It`s kinda deplorable.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If this man totally gives his life to God, then he will value his relationship with God as the first priority, and the love for God can help him to resist the urge. The value is deep in his vein now, and seems he values something more than the sex. In his mind, he is showing his love to her and respecting her. Sex before marriage he would consider as taking advantage of her without a commitment, or won't treat her as a hot moment of his sexual desire.

 

He is definitly attracted to her physically.

Link to post
Share on other sites

*dons flameproof jacket*

 

I take the view that a person who refuses sex with me before marriage is someone who isn't really interested in sex with me anyway. That is, of course, that person's absolute right, but as far as I'm concerned, there's on point dressing it up any other way. I'd say there's a high probability that the OP of this thread is exactly the same thing.

 

Let's be realistic, sex is a normal, natural human desire. If the guy already had sex with someone else (even if he SAID he felt bad about it), then we know he feels the same desires. It sounds like in this case he's just not that attracted to the woman in question point blank. That's his right of course, but she shouldn't assume it's going to be any different after marriage.

 

I'm also extremely skeptical of this idea of waiting for marriage as a sign of "commitment". For one thing, the divorce rate in this day and age tells us that marriage is no longer the commitment it once may have been. For another, do you really need a piece of paper to love someone, or commit yourself to them? Those things take personal discipline, and an external thing like a marriage contract won't change your internal qualities.

 

I think the people who scream the loudest about wanting a 'commitment' in the form of marriage are ones who know in their own mind that they find commitment difficult, and they're hoping to tie themselves down by signing a contract. As I said before, the divorce rate tells us that more often than not, it's a waste of time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
While I understand your skepticism about marriage. The stats aren't pretty and don't speak well for marriage. I would just like to point out that for some of us, marriage isn't just a contract. I don't think anyone thinks that commitment is easy...far from it. But it is a choice. For those of us who believe in marriage as God ordains it...the commitment and the covenant are most important. Yes, we recognize the legal aspect which isn't "the tying down" that you describe.

 

If it works for you then I am glad. The point I was making is that you don't need to be married to someone to be committed to them. I have cared for people to whom I wasn't married in the past and will do so again. I have friends I have known for 20 years to whom I am not married -- and that's probably longer than a lot of marriages last these days. I'm not going to say anymore on the subject because it's getting off topic, but I don't believe marriage makes or breaks a commitment.

 

It also doesn't change what I said earlier, either. This is a guy who has shown in the past that he won't wait for marriage to have sex if he finds someone attractive. In this case, he just doesn't find that woman particularly attractive, end of story. That doesn't mean he won't be capable of loving her, but if she wants an active sex life as part of her marriage, she's likely to be disappointed.

 

The other thing that nobody has touched on here is this guy's past as a 'playboy', as someone described it earlier. There is a very good chance that he's just no longer interested in sex the way he once was, and quite possibly jaded on the whole thing. He's been there and done it, and now he's literally done. Maybe that's why he's not interested in sex with his partner, but that's not something you can expect to change after marriage either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Let's be realistic, sex is a normal, natural human desire.

There are lots of guys feel the *desire* at the moment aren't ready for a relationship with a woman. And this can explain why some women always complain "I had sex with him, now he disappear".

 

There are men who has the ability to control their desire, there are men who just want to satisfy his own *desire* at the moment in the name of love when actually he doesn't plan a future with a woman, or he doesn't really know what real love is.

 

The other thing that nobody has touched on here is this guy's past as a 'playboy', as someone described it earlier. There is a very good chance that he's just no longer interested in sex the way he once was, and quite possibly jaded on the whole thing. He's been there and done it, and now he's literally done. Maybe that's why he's not interested in sex with his partner, but that's not something you can expect to change after marriage either.

If you didn't experience the dramatic change that God brings, then it is probably difficult for you to understand this

Edited by Lovelybird
Link to post
Share on other sites
There are lots of guys feel the *desire* at the moment aren't ready for a relationship with a woman. And this can explain why some women always complain "I had sex with him, now he disappear".

 

There are men who has the ability to control their desire, there are men who just want to satisfy his own *desire* at the moment in the name of love when actually he doesn't plan a future with a woman, or he doesn't really know what real love is.

 

Abstaining from sex has nothing to do with love. If you love someone, you'll want to make then feel pleasure at every opportunity. That may not mean jumping on them on the first date, but it certainly doesn't mean trying to blackmail them into marrying you by withholding an aspect of the relationship either.

 

If you didn't experience the dramatic change that God brings, then it is probably difficult for you to understand this

 

... and here comes the usual "you know nothing" flame that always comes out from the God-botherers when someone disagrees with them in these discussions. The phenomenon I described really has nothing to do with God. It has more in common with the person who changes jobs because they got jaded with the old one. Simply put, the guy got tired of screwing around because he had done it so many times, and decided to do something else with his life. If he finds that fulfilling, then I wish him well, but let's not pretend that his lack of desire for his new partner has anything to do with God.

Link to post
Share on other sites
... and here comes the usual "you know nothing" flame that always comes out from the God-botherers when someone disagrees with them in these discussions. The phenomenon I described really has nothing to do with God. It has more in common with the person who changes jobs because they got jaded with the old one. Simply put, the guy got tired of screwing around because he had done it so many times, and decided to do something else with his life. If he finds that fulfilling, then I wish him well, but let's not pretend that his lack of desire for his new partner has anything to do with God.

You are wrong again, brother :D

It has everthing to do with God. The man OP mentioned believes in God, so his action has to be interpreted by his faith in God

Link to post
Share on other sites
Abstaining from sex has nothing to do with love. If you love someone, you'll want to make then feel pleasure at every opportunity. That may not mean jumping on them on the first date, but it certainly doesn't mean trying to blackmail them into marrying you by withholding an aspect of the relationship either.

 

 

 

... and here comes the usual "you know nothing" flame that always comes out from the God-botherers when someone disagrees with them in these discussions. The phenomenon I described really has nothing to do with God. It has more in common with the person who changes jobs because they got jaded with the old one. Simply put, the guy got tired of screwing around because he had done it so many times, and decided to do something else with his life. If he finds that fulfilling, then I wish him well, but let's not pretend that his lack of desire for his new partner has anything to do with God.

 

The irony of all this is that I do actually believe in God. But I don't believe that God expects us to somehow deny or suppress the natural urges that he gave us until we sign a contract. Nor do I believe that God demands us to sign a contract with someone we love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You are wrong again, brother :D

It has everthing to do with God. The man OP mentioned believes in God, so his action has to be interpreted by his faith in God

 

Pedophile priests also believe in God (or so they claim). Are we going to argue that their actions are to be interpreted by their faith in God, too?

 

I heard a quote that sums it all up years ago: "The world is full of saints who live their lives in sin". If this guy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend, he probably would have done so by now. Yes, this might be an exception to the rule, but it's highly unlikely. Chances are he's just not that intereted.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The irony of all this is that I do actually believe in God. But I don't believe that God expects us to somehow deny or suppress the natural urges that he gave us until we sign a contract. Nor do I believe that God demands us to sign a contract with someone we love.

I think it is an "honor" thing rather than "suppress the natural urges", in fact, God convinced me that sex is a very good and intimate thing between man and woman, depends on how and where and when and why we use it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it is an "honor" thing rather than "suppress the natural urges", in fact, God convinced me that sex is a very good and intimate thing between man and woman, depends on how and where and when and why we use it.

 

Then our opinions may not be that far apart after all, but that doesn't really change this guy's lack of interest. Now I could be wrong, but in 99% of cases, a person who has no interest in sex with their partner before marriage, probably won't have much more interest after marriage. They may do it out of a sense of obligation occasionally, but there won't be any passion there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Then our opinions may not be that far apart after all, but that doesn't really change this guy's lack of interest. Now I could be wrong, but in 99% of cases, a person who has no interest in sex with their partner before marriage, probably won't have much more interest after marriage. They may do it out of a sense of obligation occasionally, but there won't be any passion there.

I think they have full of passions, and the passions are stored to a high level. And I think the passions are renewable

Link to post
Share on other sites
jenifer1972

I think his erection shows he is attracted to her. I think it is not uncommon for someone who was at one extreme, a playboy, to make a switch later in life, and when they do, the pendulum often swings way to the other side, (very conservative religious faith) in a kind of reaction formation.

 

He is now very dedicated to this new lifestyle, as he was to his former lifestyle at the time and he is 'white knuckling' it because he has a strong belief that he is using to hold his physical urges in check. Whether it can last will be the question.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Present Value
I guess my question is for you men that say you follow the no sex before marriage thing, is it easier the less hotter your girlfriend is? I mean this guy has been in the BED with my friend, holding each other, and having her rub on him, yet still was able not to let anything happen. And he has only turned his life over to God about 4 years ago, and he is 47 years old now. Before that he was a playboy. I dont know, my secular mind just isnt used to all this I guess. Espescially since the guy DID sleep with his hotter ex girlfriend. Do I just lack faith and understanding at this point since I am new? I tend to question everything.

 

In response to your question, personally it'd be really hard to not let anything happen. Physical attraction plays a big role in getting people together in the first place, I'd wager once you're to the point where you're comfortable sleeping in the same bed together, the desire for sex is probably going to be strong. I guess if the person you were in bed with actually repulsed you, that would make it easier, but obviously that's not the case.

 

But, I'm still young, maybe when you're 47 and have been around the block a few times as a "playboy", you don't get so caught up. I don't think you mentioned when he was with the ex-girlfriend of his, either... what that very soon after finding this religious aspect of his life?

 

Also, despite having a conservative Christian upbringing, I fail to see why there is so much emphasis in a lot of churches on "no sex before marriage." From my perspective it's entirely unrealistic and potentially even misguided. And I'm not stumping for promiscuity here, either. There is a woman I'm interested in who's told me she wouldn't have sex before marriage, so I've been returning to thinking about this issue after a long time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Present Value
I didn't have a conservative Christian upbringing, didn't wait for marriage either...I wish I had. I don't want my children to have sex before marriage either, but I am no fool. I realize that they have to make that choice for themselves. I gave them God's word on the subject, talked with them about the act itself, the consequences and ways to protect themselves. I took them to the doctor and let him talk with each of them when I thought they were ready. I can only pray they heard everything, consider everything and pray before they make a decision.

 

My views on the matter may change after getting married and having kids; after all, it's been the case that my views are most likely to change after some new experience like that. But I don't think I'll look back on my past with too much regret, and certainly not the kind of self-loathing I was taught to believe that people who had sex before marriage experienced.

 

Good on you for doing more than just throwing the Bible at your kids when they ask about sex. The perception I got growing up was that a lot of my friends' parents didn't do more.copy.pngfavicon.icotrans.png

Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread SO reminds me of my boyfriend and I. I am Agnostic, he is Baptist (but not really "practicing"....stopped going to church a few months ago and doesn't talk about it....loves pervy shows and "bad" music, etc).

 

He doesn't believe in sex until after marriage. This puts a huge strain on me. We've been together for almost two years now. And if the more ugly a girl is, and the easier it is to resist....I must be one fugly girl. I'm pretty overweight. I could lose 60 pounds and would look pretty good.

 

Wow....maybe I SHOULD lose weight. Perhaps then I wouldn't be so ugly and he'd cave.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When my fiancee' and i started to date we both said we believed in saving sex until marriage. We made it. We have 9 days to go before the wedding. We are both Christians, but we've done "everything else" ....Still there is going to be something special about the wedding night. :) I already know she is going to leave me scratched up and bruised after night 1, LOL....but I am sooooo looking forward to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WalkInThePark
We are both Christians, but we've done "everything else" ....

 

Well that really shows how hypocrite this "no sex before marriage" thing is. Really, if you have for example done blow jobs or hand jobs, then what on earth is the difference with penetration?

And why make such a war of attrition of it? "We made it", "Still 9 days to go",... That is so crazy.

 

This "no sex before marriage" thing is so artificial and in my opinion it results in a lot of marriages where there are sexual problems. Just read all the topics about "no sex or not enough sex in my marriage".

Having sex is a normal part of a relationship. I am not saying that you have to have sex on the first date, that is actually as artificial as deciding you won't have sex before marriage.

I think it is better to just trust your feelings and your intuition and go with the flow. Then you feel when the moment is right and then it is not some trick to force each other into commitment...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well that really shows how hypocrite this "no sex before marriage" thing is. Really, if you have for example done blow jobs or hand jobs, then what on earth is the difference with penetration?

And why make such a war of attrition of it? "We made it", "Still 9 days to go",... That is so crazy.

 

This "no sex before marriage" thing is so artificial and in my opinion it results in a lot of marriages where there are sexual problems. Just read all the topics about "no sex or not enough sex in my marriage".

Having sex is a normal part of a relationship. I am not saying that you have to have sex on the first date, that is actually as artificial as deciding you won't have sex before marriage.

I think it is better to just trust your feelings and your intuition and go with the flow. Then you feel when the moment is right and then it is not some trick to force each other into commitment...

 

Actually I think the problem became the definition of marriage has changed and evolved.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well that really shows how hypocrite this "no sex before marriage" thing is. Really, if you have for example done blow jobs or hand jobs, then what on earth is the difference with penetration?

And why make such a war of attrition of it? "We made it", "Still 9 days to go",... That is so crazy.

 

This "no sex before marriage" thing is so artificial and in my opinion it results in a lot of marriages where there are sexual problems. Just read all the topics about "no sex or not enough sex in my marriage".

Having sex is a normal part of a relationship. I am not saying that you have to have sex on the first date, that is actually as artificial as deciding you won't have sex before marriage.

I think it is better to just trust your feelings and your intuition and go with the flow. Then you feel when the moment is right and then it is not some trick to force each other into commitment...

 

:rolleyes: seriously.... Projecting or generalizing much? Why is this is an issue for you??? The way I read my faith is that certain things are to be left until marriage.We are both in our 40's have children..have had sex outside of marriage before...and decided to wait this time. And this is a bad thing why??? Personally I couldn't care less what you do before, during or instead of marriage....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I think sex can either bring to people together, or not. So, I think It's important to have sex before marriage, as it can make two people closer together, that's why It's called 'Making Love'. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...