Building a thick skin

[JS17]

How do you build a thick skin?

[Outcast]

Damned if I know. Well I guess that's not strictly true. You have to develop peace with the fact that idiots exist and will always be idiots. You have to stop wishing it wasn't so. As for others' opinions, the best idea is to care only about the opinions of people you respect. That should narrow down the options considerably

 

Try Buddhism and Albert Ellis for strategies for dealing with annoying people and situations.

 

But I don't think it's ever possible to become completely impervious.

[littlekitty]

Don't exfoliate.

 

Hmmmm it's awful hard. I tend to take things to heart, and have had to try to learn to be better at taking criticism. I find any criticism, even well meant, is taken very much to heart by myself. I never used to be able to shrug and say ‘whatever, I guess that’s not my strong point then’. I’m much better at it now.

 

What exactly is the area that you need to work on?

[JS17]

Don't exfoliate.

 

What exactly is the area that you need to work on?

I guess the same as you littlekitty. I'm really sensitive and take everything to heart. When people criticize me, even my boss who is just an arse and I should never listen to, I end up feeling bad about being that way. I used to just shut everything and everyone out but that wasn't healthy either.

[bluechocolate]

The same way you build confidence & self-esteem.

 

Of course there are thick skinned people who are just arrogant bullies, but I'm choosing to go with the notion that by thick skinned you mean someone who is confident & self-assured without being close minded & prejudicial.

[littlekitty]

 

I guess the same as you littlekitty. I'm really sensitive and take everything to heart. When people criticize me, even my boss who is just an arse and I should never listen to, I end up feeling bad about being that way. I used to just shut everything and everyone out but that wasn't healthy either.

 

Agghhh it's a bitch isn't it!!!

 

I guess I think it stems from my perfectionist nature. I desire to be perfect, liked, loved etc. So when someone tells me I'm not great at something, I need to improve something or points out a flaw in my being... I'm not great at just taking it on the chin!!

 

I recently had an abusive message from my partners ex. She said some stuff about me, which although I know isn't true, totally floored me! Why? I guess because she managed to pick a few areas where I feel some what inadequate. I wonder if that's a big part of it? Maybe not wanting to hear what we already fear about our own inadequacies? But as you say, there are some people out there who you just shouldn't listen too!!

 

I think you have to learn to differentiate between those offering good, sound helpful criticism, and those purely trying to put you down in a power struggle.

 

What Outcast said about listening to those people who you respect, is very true. If I feel that concerned I'll ask my true friends/family who will gently and kindly let me know if the criticism is true or not.

 

Hmm I want to say more, but I need to sort through my thoughts on this one. It seems sometimes I manage to make self-improvements without knowing how I did it!

[basscatcher]

To become THICK-SKINNED is to repel negative statements or actions away you.

You chose to not react to what is attacking you and not think twice about it.

You ignor it, you could care less about it, it doesn't concern you, you don't care about it, you dismiss it, you are numb to it, you are desensitized to it..

 

Whatever it maybe.

 

THAT IS BEING THICK-SKINNED.

[JS17]

Thanks everyone for your replies, all of them were good. I think I understand what it means to have thick skin but I don't know how to go about getting it.

 

Don't take things personally, repel negative statements, listen only to those you respect are all good ideas but I would do that already if I knew how. I feel ill equipt in this process.

 

And yes bluechocolate (good to see you back btw) I definitely do not want to be an arrogant bully or close minded. I've just bought a book on building self confidence and one on CBT. After today I will be finished with school and can start reading them. Hopefully that will help.

[basscatcher]

For me I just had to develop an attitude and become more of a biatch. I had to figure out my morals and values and stick by them. I am comfortable with myself and therefore if someone is going to charge at me I don't need to take their shyt.

 

My gf calls me 'Diva', it is a nickname she gave me because I get attitude when someone trys to change me to their standards... I developed a backbone to stand up for myself and stick to my own opinions and ideas. I repell other if they don't fit within my standards..

 

Therefor--I have thick-skin..

 

I believe JS17 you need to just get an attitude and be more of a biatch when you need thick-skin.. It will develop.. Just be careful that you don't become a overboard biatch by taking advantage of your new found thick skin. That could be dangerous too. A healthy balance is sufficient.

[Outcast]

One of the smartest things I ever heard about this was said by a criminal, actually, who became a prize-winning author. He was always angry about stuff. One day he was walking back to his cell and one of the other prisoners called him a sonofab!tch. Normally, says he, he would have gotten furious and tried to take the guy's head off. This time, however, he says he thought about it, decided he wasn't an SOB and that the guy was just wrong. And poof - no anger, no upset.

 

I think if you react to what others say, it's because you secretly think it might be true. You have to know yourself to know if someone says something about you that it's just their perception and not a valid criticism. So someone says you're dumb - you're a grad student and did well so you know you're not 'dumb'. So you ignore what's been said.

[littlekitty]

I think if you react to what others say, it's because you secretly think it might be true. You have to know yourself to know if someone says something about you that it's just their perception and not a valid criticism. So someone says you're dumb - you're a grad student and did well so you know you're not 'dumb'. So you ignore what's been said.

 

More eloquently put than I was able to!!

[JS17]

For me I just had to develop an attitude and become more of a biatch.

Well I already have an attitude and am a b!tch so I'm not sure where to go from there. I protected myself by shutting the world out and never really learned how to cope with things. I don't even think I cried between the ages of 14 and 26. Which doesn't mean I wasn't still as sensitive I just handled it differently than I do now. The crying and negativity directed at myself started or worsened significantly when I was with my N. I'm not blaming it on him but just stating the facts. Now I get hurt so easily. Sometimes I wonder if there is an underlying hormonal factor due to some bad stuff that I went through but I don't think that's the case anymore, I think I've just been through an emotionally trying year.

[JS17]

I think if you react to what others say, it's because you secretly think it might be true. You have to know yourself to know if someone says something about you that it's just their perception and not a valid criticism. So someone says you're dumb - you're a grad student and did well so you know you're not 'dumb'. So you ignore what's been said.

Yes I think this is true. So I guess it all comes back down to self confidence of which I have very little after all I've been through this year.

[basscatcher]

The crying and negativity directed at myself started or worsened significantly when I was with my N. I'm not blaming it on him but just stating the facts. Now I get hurt so easily. Sometimes I wonder if there is an underlying hormonal factor due to some bad stuff that I went through but I don't think that's the case anymore, I think I've just been through an emotionally trying year.

 

Self esteem my dear. You need to see your self worth and believe in it.

[SmoochieFace]

I think if you react to what others say, it's because you secretly think it might be true.

 

I agree... and I see some of that here on LS.

[whichwayisup]

Due to the awful time you had with the N, that DID damage. The thing to remember when you're feeling that stuff hit you - Remember the person infront of you isn't that N...And their opinion, thoughts of negativity DO NOT MATTER TO YOU. I guess it's kind of detaching emotionally or just not caring enough to react. Takes some time to get into the swing of it, but I think with positive thinking and learning how to NOT let that stuff get you down you will work through it all. You're strong person JS, stronger than you think. YOU do have control over the mind, not the other way around!

[bluechocolate]

Pardon my ignorance - but what or who is an N ?

[JS17]

Generally an N would stand for a Narcissist. In my case it stands for my Narcissistic mother f***er of an ex bf.

[JS17]

Alright, I don't really know what to say anymore. I hope the books can help because I don't know what else there is left to try. Thanks all for your advice.

[Art_Critic]

Generally an N would stand for a Narcissist. In my case it stands for my Narcissistic mother f***er of an ex bf.

 

all that in one little tiny letter

[lindya]

Don't take things personally, repel negative statements, listen only to those you respect are all good ideas but I would do that already if I knew how. I feel ill equipt in this process.

 

I think that people who are very thick-skinned have their own problems in dealing with others. They're just less aware of it...and maybe only find out there are problems when they're whacked in the face with them. Then they give out the slack-jawed "what did I do???" reaction - whilst everyone else marvels silently and thinks "what did you not do...?"

 

As to not taking things personally, I do think that's incredibly difficult sometimes. Lots of people claim to be hard boiled types who don't take things personally - then you see them totally flipping their lid over a trivial insult. By accepting that you do take things personally sometimes, you're being more honest than they are...and you're therefore a step closer to dealing effectively with it.

 

When I'm dealing with a really unpleasant person face to face, I really focus on detaching myself from the situation. Imagining that I'm an outsider listening in on two people talking. Then I step in to answer the criticisms. Somehow it's easier to calmly say "I don't think it's constructive to get personal, but I would like to address your point about..." if you imagine that you're speaking on someone else's behalf. Or role play it. With a bit of practice you might discover that you've got a very useful untapped talent for acting.

 

I think in a way you have to welcome difficult, potentially conflict-filled situations as opportunities to practise and improve the way you handle yourself in them. Sensitivity often goes hand in hand with talent, intelligence and insight (which, from your posts, I definitely think you have). Once you get that confidence you need, all those things could place you in a very powerful position...which may be a reason for other people around you to subtly try to undermine your confidence. Don't get paranoid about them doing that - just make sure they don't succeed.

[bluechocolate]

So I guess it all comes back down to self confidence...

 

I think so.

 

...of which I have very little after all I've been through this year.

 

Sounds like you're in a healing process, which takes time.

 

I've recently read a book which I think is a little gem. It's called "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart - Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now", written by Gordon Livingston, M.D. It has chapter titles like:

 

• It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place
  
• The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas
  
• Feelings follow behaviour
  
• The perfect is the enemy of the good
  
• The most secure prisons are those we construct for ourselves
  
• Only bad things happen quickly
  
• There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results
  
• We are afraid of the wrong things

I could go on & list them all - I know this is a book that I will return to time & time again. Have a look - I think you'll like it.

[JS17]

all that in one little tiny letter

I'm a little person so I make my words big

 

When I'm dealing with a really unpleasant person face to face, I really focus on detaching myself from the situation. Imagining that I'm an outsider listening in on two people talking. Then I step in to answer the criticisms. Somehow it's easier to calmly say "I don't think it's constructive to get personal, but I would like to address your point about..." if you imagine that you're speaking on someone else's behalf.

I'm really not good at detaching...from anything. Something else I would love to be able to do but can't seem to figure it out. I get so attached to everyone and everything and I let myself get worked up in situations. I can't figure out how to shut it off.

 

Sounds like you're in a healing process, which takes time.

I think that the healing process should be over by now. The only problems I still have left are my mom and my sister's sudden illnesses. Everything else should be gone by now. When I started to let out what happened in my relationship my friends were shocked saying that I don't take crap from anyone. Even still I think all of these issues were lying dormant until brought up by a difficult situation.

 

At the end of the day these are still things I have to figure out how to deal with which only makes things worse. It's like a catch 22, I've got lots of issues. I feel like I've been through therapy with this thread, I'm exhausted!

[bluechocolate]

I think that the healing process should be over by now.

 

Well I think that we should have eradicated poverty by now, but we haven't. (thank you for the welcome btw - much appreciated ).

[Becoming]

I know what you're talking about JS. I was in a position once where I was the target of everyone's flying crap. This was a profession I'd trained hard for; I had a lot at stake. I remember one day saying, "I just don't have a thick enough skin to do this." And no one could answer the same question you're asking.

 

I've learned a few things over the years now--many of which are said here. I've come to see myself as living within an energy bubble, in a force-field. Only I can control what comes in and what goes out of my energy bubble/field. This is what gives me the detachment I need to be able to ask the question: "Is that true? Do I want to take that into my energy bubble? How much is true? What's helpful, and what's not?" I take what's helpful in, and I picture the rest of it bouncing off my energy field (kinda like an invisible wall in Star Trek or something). Then I decide how I'm gonna let my energy out of my sphere. Am I going to zap 'em (my first impulse)? or Am I going to remain in control? How will I choose to engage what's going on?

 

This is all much easier said than done, of course. One of the things, though, is knowing that you have this power and practicing using it. As your force field power bubble grows stronger, you'll have a thicker skin without it becoming a wall that you hide behind because you feel helpless in the situation.

 

You can learn about detachment from spiritual practices, btw, and this helps with discerning what's good and what's bad so you know what to admit and what to bounce.