Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 My boyfriend is a kind man, soft spoken, funny, laid back, and always happy going but when he faces a stress he completely disconnect from me and others, he has a trip down to hell, doesn't eat, belittle himself, everything is negative and dark it's like he is sinking to the bottom of the ocean. It last around 3 weeks then he slowly comes back to himself. It happens about once a year so far. I thought maybe depression but it's not random there is always and event starting it. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 depression doesnt have to randomly occur...what happens when i get depressed there is normally a beginning from external stressors...that trigger depression within.....that sinking overwhelming feeling of going to hell....of feeling alone in that...and wanting not to take others down with me to a dark place...i cut off ...i isolate.....i dont want to call people.....just coming out of an isolation period myself..they seem to be getting longer..you know what ...love shack helps me.....by just doing something ...making my bed helps.... what i notice on returning to my life..is that i feel awkward...and am down on myself which means im not over the depression yet....my church ...i felt awkward first time going back and seeing people i havent seen in a long time.feeling like i dont belong anymore that i shouldnt have come back...like a bad selfish friend expecting friendship.........i dotn know how awkward yoru bf feels after cutting off...but it happens... what i have found that might be helpful to you ...is just be there when he comes back ......like my church friends and family are......my family they encourage me to go to church even my exes....because they know it helps so much with the intense sadness i go through..... ....because they know i am happy and i feel safe when i am there...not judged and no expectations....my family,my friends from church are simply just there and welcome me...the second time i went back to church it felt easier i still feel awkward and will for a while its like a culture shock.........coming back after cutting off is like transitioning from place to place....and it is so much easier when you have the light in someones eyes to welcome you back....genuine heartfelt ...happiness and warmth encourage your bf to do the things he loves to do ...where he feels safe and understood..do things with him that you both love to do together..when he says nah im not good enough or i cant do that its been too long.....or why do you care.... ...encourage him more with warmth and compassion..he will always come back ....to you....good luck gaeta.....to you and your bf.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Thank you Deb. Sharing your experience with depression really helped me understand better. Should he see a doctor about this? It doesn't happen often but when it happens his thoughts get so dark sometimes I am afraid it will get to the point he'll arm himself. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Mentally, he can learn to rewire his behaviors, which is much more powerful than going to a doctor and taking drugs. We live in a pharmacy-induced society and people need to stop buying into it. Read books by Dr Joe Dispenza, or watch his videos. One of my favorites is “The Science of Changing Your Mind”. He has devoted years and years of study and research on this topic and people have made drastic changes in their lives because of him. I would start there. Perhaps it’s something the two of you could do together because Joe helps with all areas of life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 It has to do with EQ, emotional intelligence, although that's not the perfect name. He doesn't cope with stress well. I do the same things he does when I make mistakes. I have a hard time bouncing back. It's not about needing a doctor but finding tools that help him cope better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Should he see a doctor about this? It doesn't happen often but when it happens his thoughts get so dark sometimes I am afraid it will get to the point he'll arm himself. Arm or harm? I think he should see a doctor about this. You need a baseline diagnosis to know what you are both dealing with here. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 "...endogenous depression is a type of depression which seemingly occurs for no reason. It appears to be chemical and/or genetic. It is also often accompanied by feelings of guilt, worthlessness and an inability to enjoy normally pleasurable things. Exogenous, or reactive, depression, on the other hand, is usually triggered by some sort of outside stressor like the loss of a loved one, divorce, losing a job or relationship difficulties. Whereas in endogenous depression the world may seem like a dark and sad place because of you, yourself, are dark and sad inside, in exogenous depression, the world seems dark and sad because of what's going on in your life. ...Whether depression is endogenous or exogenous, it is nearly always triggered into existence by some life stressor. This means that if a person is genetically and/or biochemically predisposition to have depression, a significant life stressor can push that tendency into existence." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Arm or harm? I think he should see a doctor about this. You need a baseline diagnosis to know what you are both dealing with here. Sorry 'harm'. Last year when he lost a job he said things like he feels like driving into a brick wall. His job called an ambulance and me. Paramedic left him to me under the promise to not leave him alone for 3 days. He recovered 100% from that and no going dark on me until now he's facing several stressors. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 There is a name for it. My therapist said I do it. It has something to do with catastrophizing everything. I wasn't open to hearing what the therapist said so I only have snippets to offer you. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 There is a name for it. My therapist said I do it. It has something to do with catastrophizing everything. I wasn't open to hearing what the therapist said so I only have snippets to offer you. Hang in there. It's exactly that. His reaction to stress is multiplied X 100 ! And there is no reasonning him. He most often tells me l can't understand what he is going through. Did you learn to tame it down a bit? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 It's exactly that. His reaction to stress is multiplied X 100 ! And there is no reasonning him. He most often tells me l can't understand what he is going through. Maybe the focus in therapy (if he's open to going) should simply be on shortening this cycle? We all deal with stress differently, perhaps the "mountains from molehills" approach is just part of his process. Has he done anything to work on this? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Maybe the focus in therapy (if he's open to going) should simply be on shortening this cycle? We all deal with stress differently, perhaps the "mountains from molehills" approach is just part of his process. Has he done anything to work on this? Mr. Lucky He says he is open to speaking to someone when he can afford it. Sometimes he is faced with stress and he stays on top of everything other times he spirals down. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 It's happening for a reason. It's when there's stressors. I call it situational depression, but of course a psychologist might find there's more than one thing at work. If it's only once a year, it's unlikely it's bipolar. I get situational depression. I have it right now from worry. I don't get to the point I want to hurt myself, but I wouldn't mind shooting the property tax appraiser. He may have some self-esteem issues that come up making him feel worthless when things aren't going well and he sees things not going well as his failure. It certainly wouldn't hurt to get him to a psychologist and have him assessed and maybe therapy about it if it's self-esteem taking him too low into depression at those times. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Did you learn to tame it down a bit? A little. First I go through my fits . . . the world is coming to an end etc. I have learned not to verbalize that to others. I catch myself doing it & then try to tell myself to stop. Then I play mental chess . . . if this then that. It takes a while & I'm hard to reason with, short with everybody when I do this. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I wonder why you are writing if it occurs only once a year for 3 weeks. It is relatively minor aberration. Something you are not telling the forum? You can't cope with it for 3 weeks? How does this affect you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Hi!!!! Disconnection, freezing, isolating, numbing and being shut down are signs that the autonomic nervous system is not functioning. He has basically gone into his primitive brain in order to survive and cope. Therapy to better self regulate is ideal. Talk therapy will not work. EMDR and EFT have shown positive outcomes. Sending energy my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 I wonder why you are writing if it occurs only once a year for 3 weeks. It takes only a few minutes for someone to harm themselves. If each year for 30 days he's at risk of harming himself it's too much, way too much to just ignore it. Something you are not telling the forum? You can't cope with it for 3 weeks? How does this affect you. Who says I cannot cope? This thread is not about me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 (edited) I get really sad or depressed once, sometimes twice a year, so I don't think this is so weird. I am single though and don't have to impose it on anyone else. I'm not sure what would happen if I did i.e. how they'd see it or handle it. I also am not suicidal. In the last month, I have been turned onto meditation and I find it to be really helpful. It helps with turning your negative thoughts into positive ones. Edited May 6, 2019 by snowcones 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted May 7, 2019 Author Share Posted May 7, 2019 He came over tonight for the first time in 3 weeks. His face is long, sad and tired. I was looking at him walk from his car to my door and he walked very slow like the life had been kicked out of him. He fell asleep on the couch at 20h30. I think we will salvage him this time again. I will wait that he is back on his feet before touching the subject with him. Meanwhile I have done a lot of reading on certain clues you've given me on depression and catastrophized anxiety. It all helped understand. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 you need to take him to a doctor 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Interesting problem.(not intending to trivialise it, I am sure it can be very unsettling. I suspect it relates back to his childhood, he may have seen influential figures in his childhood, perhaps his Father behave in this vain? it may have been drummed into him as a child that he needs to succeed and when situations occur in his adult life that he cannot control or get on top of, he falls into an anxiety cycle whereby he loses control and resorts to the sort of behaviour you describe. an exaggerated panic attack in the form of withdrawing. I would be thinking some professional help for him is needed on this. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 It really sounds like learned, manipulative behavior. Maybe one of his parents reacted to stress by punishing those around them and he's following in their lead. But the people I know who have killed or harmed themselves don't, or didn't, act like that. If they were fired from a job they'd go home and perhaps do something self harmful. Not make a scene and make their work colleagues call an ambulance. He might need to talk to someone about dealing with stress better. I used to be pretty bad at it but now I just make Timshel listen to me rant for a few minutes and then I feel a lot better. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 you need to take him to a doctor Exactly. He needs a full medical check up. Medical issues can cause "depression", and depression can cause medical issues... "Men" can be not keen on seeking help, get him to a doctor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 you need to take him to a doctor Ditto yes. He needs to see a licensed mental health professional, even having him talk with his primary care doctor is better than nothing. Suicidal ideation should always be taken seriously. I hope he is willing to follow through with getting treatment. Best Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Doctor will have him answer 8-12 yes or no questions and count the number of "Yes" and if its over a certain number prescribe him some meds, and say call me if something comes up. Strongly recommend not doing that and encouraging EFT/EMDR/DBT therapist who will find root of issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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