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I suspect I'm a jerk and need to fix it


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Old 14th March 2019, 2:22 PM   #1
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I suspect I'm a jerk and need to fix it

I feel like I'm getting used to"" my SO. I've noticed that after arguments, or if anything rubs me the wrong way I just default to being passive aggressive and kind of just blaming her for stuff that isn't productive at all. She obviously gets mad. And then we argue more. I almost find it super hard to even change directions once I'm on course for acting like a dick and just calm myself and apologize. It's almost like a quick reaction jerk impulse. Instead of patience and kindness, I'm rude and blame her for stuff.
EXAMPLE. This morning she was lagging like usual ( shes honestly just being a girl and getting ready). We had very little time to get coffee and food before she worked, so she suggested something. I asked her if it was even open. she said yes. We drove there, it was closed. In my head I was so annoyed and wanted to be confrontational. IDK why, because i'm decently easy going around other people. little logistical and time sensitive stuff, instead of being productive and acting like a teammate I just sort of default to being rude and almost blaming her. I dont like this about myself. it makes me worry that I'm just an ******* with people I've been dating for more than 6 months.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:28 PM   #2
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Well, you won't get much argument from me, sounds like jerkish behavior.

I'd just ask if it's productive?

If you're goal is to extract some revenge and/or cause some damage, you're on the right track. But if you're seeking a more problem-solving approach, that kind of P/A response is clearly counter-productive.

Step 1 is recognizing the issue exists. Sounds like you're ready for Step 2...

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Old 14th March 2019, 2:40 PM   #3
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thank you

We have a history. Like most couples. After years there have been some things we've both done. But I just seem to hold onto it, when shes seemingly let it all go. I'm struggling with that. I don't think of the history when i lash out. it's just default. Like I have some underlying dislike for her. I hate it. I want to change it. Im not sure how.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:41 PM   #4
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and of course a true heartfelt apology is always part of those steps...

knowing is half the battle... so you have already half the battle won.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:00 PM   #5
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Sounds more like you both need to plan better. To say she's "lagging like usual" doesn't address the heart of the problem . . . you both probably enjoy sleeping in. To fix that go to sleep 1/2 hour earlier & set the alarm for 1/2 hour earlier then limit yourselves to 1 snooze.

Set your clothes out the night before. If you are not trying to figure out what to wear you will have more time.

To blame her pace on her gender is just sexist. I know many men who take forever to get ready in the morning.

Since you know you have limited time in the morning, going out for breakfast & trying to figure out where to go is another time waster. Invest in a coffee pot with a timer. Load it up the night before, set the timer for when your alarm goes off & then go get hot coffee to pour into thermal to go mugs. Have some type of grab & go breakfast in the house: fruit, muffins, microwave breakfast sandwiches etc. Very simple, way less stress & cheaper.

Instead of sniping at your GF, think about the real cause of the recurring problems & address those. It will make things more smooth sailing
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:42 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jerrygordon3 View Post
We have a history. Like most couples. After years there have been some things we've both done. But I just seem to hold onto it, when shes seemingly let it all go. I'm struggling with that. I don't think of the history when i lash out. it's just default. Like I have some underlying dislike for her. I hate it. I want to change it. Im not sure how.
Maybe time to end the relationship? Sounds like you both have different conflict resolution styles; she lets things go, you cling to them and bring them up when new conflict arises.

Otherwise, if you continue doing that you'll just destroy any shred of emotional intimacy that's left between you two and she'll dump you.

Do you want to stay in this relationship? If not, then time to consider ending it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:57 PM   #7
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Well, itís good that you realize what youíre doing. Thatís the first step towards making a change. It could be that youíre just too comfortable with her, kind of like a little kid who is usually respectful but really acts up as soon as their parents are around, because they know they will love them anyways. Meaning, you act that way because you know you can get away with it without having to fear any (major) consequences. It also indicates - imo - a lack of respect for your SO.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:16 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by jerrygordon3 View Post
like a quick reaction jerk impulse.
I hope that you have given yourself plenty of credit for at least being able to recognize and being willing to own your non-constructive/destructive psychological patterns and reactions. .

I used to have a similar lack of self-control when things got frustrating or didn't go my way. What started me on a better track was taking a 4-week stress management course.
That led me to wanting to learn more about 'emotional intelligence (EQ)' -- all of which helped me to get proper control over my own self including all of the 'unruly bits'.

Wishing you similar or even greater success!
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:59 PM   #9
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I don't know if your problem is just the way you tend to be, your personality style, or if it's just with her and is buried resentment you're acting out about, but counseling might help get to the bottom of it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:04 PM   #10
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I suspect avoidant personality/commitment phobe.

You said it yourself, after 6 months in a relationship you've had enough. So you get nasty, so you can push the person one way while you move in another.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:15 AM   #11
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You have a history of drama filled, unhealthy relationships. I suspect that if your partner doesnít bring the drama, you will... you do what you know.
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Old 15th March 2019, 12:44 PM   #12
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Do you secretly not want to be with her anymore?
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Old 15th March 2019, 2:31 PM   #13
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A. She doesn’t get to consistently put you behind schedule just because she’s being a girl. It takes me about 30 min total to get dressed for work - that includes doing my hair, makeup, etc. If she knows she takes a long tine, she should plan accordingly. Being late every now and then is one thing but doing it all the time really sets me off.

B. I know someone who does what she did - they state something as factual when they really have no idea. Also irritating.

I’m not saying your responses were great but I can see where she is pushing your buttons. The two of you need to talk about pushing buttons less, and you need to work on being more constructive when you’re pissed off. Most of the time, it’s best not to say anything until you’ve cooled down.
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Old 17th March 2019, 1:20 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by jerrygordon3 View Post
We have a history. Like most couples. After years there have been some things we've both done. But I just seem to hold onto it, when shes seemingly let it all go. I'm struggling with that. I don't think of the history when i lash out. it's just default. Like I have some underlying dislike for her. I hate it. I want to change it. Im not sure how.
You two have an unhealthy dynamic and if you want her in your life you need to change your attitude and stop being a jerk. Get rid of the petty things, the resentment and anger that you have and your ego.

Do counseling together if need be.

If you don't change your ways, she's going to break up with you. Stop treating her like crap.
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:59 AM   #15
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I feel badly for you Jerry.

You have previously been in a very abusive relationship. Assuming this is a new woman, you are now continuing the same patterns of behavior in your new relationship. If it’s the same woman you have written about in the past, you know what we are going to say... get out. This is a toxic relationship.

You really have no idea how to be in a healthy and loving relationship. When there’s is no conflict, you create conflict. I hope you get some counselling to help you find your way.
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