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I want to go back in time and change everything

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Old 28th January 2019, 7:09 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 19
I want to go back in time and change everything

Since a few weeks, I realized I regret most of my choices in life. If I could go back in time, I would change so many things.

I’m 21 years old and I already feel like I screwed my entire life. My parents choose when I was a kid to immigrate to have a better life. I was a child, so I had time to adjust, but my parents chose a more closed minded area, so I’ve been a bit bullied at school. Little girls would say racists comments to me and I was already an introvert, so it was hard for me to socialize and make new friends when the popular kid was laughing at me because I had a different lunch or because my name was different. Physically, I wasn’t too different, but anyways.
I still had a decent/happy childhood. My parents were there for me even though it was hard for them to find a job/go back to school (for my mom) with little children to take care of. I was close (and still am) to my siblings, so summers were great with them and the neighbors.

Just like a lot of people, I was lost when I was a teenager. I couldn’t fit in any ‘squads’. I was in the ‘popular squad’ once when I was 12, but a girl in the group chose to hate me and others followed her, so I was bullied for like 3 months, but I was strong and they all stopped. The rest of high school, I didn’t have meaningful friends. I would eat lunch with different people, but I was always bored. ‘Fortunately’ for me, I started to get attractive when I turned 15-16, so something new happened: guys started to like me. I had my first īboyfriend’ and, obviously, we broke up after 4 or 5 months. I had another boyfriend at 16 and it was the worst relationship ever. My parents found about that relationship and they were so against it. People with parents who immigrated will understand what I mean. They forced me to breakup with him and we moved to another city. I was ‘traumatized’ by that story and I chose to stay single for a while and focus on my studies.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t date in high school. I hate myself for being distracted by guys at that time. I should have taken time to focus more on my studies, have better grades in my sciences class.

I also realized that my family means more than any guy and that I don’t want to disappoint them ever again in that area. I now only seek guys from my culture and it has become a personal choice because there are too cultural differences with the others. During my second year of college, I started dating a guy from my culture, but he ended breaking up with me after a few months because he didn’t feel the same anymore. I let him go even though I was hurt because I really thought that this relationship was the one for me. I’ve moved on.

I’m about to complete my law degree and I’ll do my bar exam in a little less than a year. I feel like it’s not enough. I think about all the other things I could have done. Maybe if I were more focused in my studies, I’d be in med school and I’d make my parents proud. I could save people’s life. I want to become a lawyer, but I just want more. I feel not enough. I’m lost, because I don’t know yet what type of law I want to practice. I want to do something huge and meaningful.

I’m also lost in my emotional life. I’ve been on many dates in the last year after my breakup and I keep on being disappointed. I met a guy recently and he’s everything I want in a guy, but hey he lost interest, so yeah. I feel that I’ve spent more time in my life being heartbroken than being happy in a relationship. I tell myself that if I took more my time before dating anyone, it wouldn’t suck like that today. It’s my fault for not waiting for the right guy. At 15, I thought I was not normal because nobody ever kissed me, so I threw myself to the first guy who showed me interest.
Nothing is going as I want. I’m in my early twenties and I know what some think: I’m still so young and I have plenty of time to find a decent guy to marry, but it’s frustrating when it’s something I want now. I’m about to leave college. When will be the ‘right time’ to find someone? I’ll be busy as a lawyer and my fear is to wake up at 30 and realize I was too focus on my career that I forgot to start my little family.

I’m lost right now. I have no motivation for anything. I feel like the universe is against me (right now, a lot of people are ignoring me for no reason). I feel like I’m expecting people to notice me. My life is on hold. I’m not satisfied with my life and I want to delete many things. I don’t have the strength to start all over again. I just hope that I’ll end up liking my life and stop regretting my choices, but for some of my choices, it’s been months that I regret them.

I’m not expecting people to read everything, I just needed to write about it. It helps me somehow. These are thoughts weighing me since a long time now.

Anyways, if anyone has something to say or if someone ever felt like that and figured a way out of it, I’m ready to read you.

Last edited by Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 8:06 PM.. Reason: Fix formatting
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Old 28th January 2019, 9:04 PM   #2
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I have felt like that a lot. I know you cannot change the past, but I wish I could. The biggest regret is my life in college. If only I could done better/been more motivated, my dad wouldn't have lectured me so. My self esteem wouldn't be in the gutter and I would have a better career right now.

I wish I could go back and change the way my 1st love went, stop myself from getting involved w/my ex. I am now in the best relationship I've ever had and hope to be w/him forever. The struggle to get here where I am was real. I liked guys who lost interest after having me fall for them.

One piece of advice is not to dwell on your past, look forward and don't regret anything. Learn from your mistakes. As for dating, talk to as many guys as you can. Do not hang yourself up on one guy until he proves his worth to you. I used to date one guy at a time until I got hurt one too many times. I never slept around, but I had tons of dates to weed out the crap and found my partner.
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Old 28th January 2019, 9:54 PM   #3
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I am not saying or assuming you are, but the first half just screams, "Asian family!" to me because that is how a lot of them are, especially with wanting you to be a doctor. I mean no disrespect, of course.

I have criticize you on worrying about nothing, though. You are 21, and judging solely on what has been said, you have made exactly 0 mistakes that you cannot fix. You are kind of beating yourself up for no reason when you have plenty of time and youth to pursue the things that you want to pursue.

Sounds like the two problems that are really weighing on you are 1) boys, and 2) your career, neither of which you have any grasp on at the moment.

Career-wise, you are still young enough to change your degree if you wish. You actually have it better than A LOT of people as far as achievements in life. Many people at your age are probably flipping burgers, waiting tables, delivering pizza, and/or still trying to figure out what degree/diploma they want. The only reason that I can think of that would make you feel like you have not achieve enough is someone pressuring you. If that is true, you have to learn to live for yourself and no one else. If not, then there are plenty of ways you can help people and the world without being a doctor. You can volunteer your time, for example. Every little bit makes a difference.

Romance-wise, love can come in a flash or take a life-time to hit you. Not much can be done about it other than to increase your chances be exposing yourself to the world because no matter what you do, there are no guarantees. It is best to take it one day at a time. Of course, by getting out there and doing more things, such as the aforementioned volunteering, you may end up meeting good dates for yourself while changing the world--two birds with ones tone they say.

In any case, do not pressure yourself too much. Life can be confusing at this stage where you are fresh out of the safety of your adolescence and green in the ways of adulthood. All you have to do is give yourself time to reflect and understand yourself before you can face the world.
The morning dawns upon everyone and returns all the tears of yesterday to the heavens.
Turn into the rain of blessing that will awaken the sleeping sprouts still resting in the scars remaining on the land.
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Old 29th January 2019, 1:07 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Nilfiry View Post
I have criticize you on worrying about nothing, though. You are 21, and judging solely on what has been said, you have made exactly 0 mistakes that you cannot fix. You are kind of beating yourself up for no reason when you have plenty of time and youth to pursue the things that you want to pursue.

Abouttt, when I read your post, at first I missed your age. After seeing all your regrets, doubts and concerns, I expected you to be 60 years old, lamenting your wasted years.

Good grief, you're 21 years old! Were your life a story, you haven't even written the introduction yet. And even if your glass is half-full, plenty of time to overflow the brim. Relax and enjoy the journey...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 29th January 2019, 8:38 AM   #5
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The past is the past & you can't change it. You can learn from what happened & take your life in a new direction.

You are about to get a law degree & sit for the bar. Armed with that education you can change the world!

First step reach out to the bar association. Every state has something called The Lawyer's Assistance Program & they all have special divisions for law students. These confidential counselors provide free mental health services to lawyers & law students to help you cope with the stress. It's not IC. It's a group "therapy" & classes with coping skills. They can help you find a counselor who specializes in high stress lawyers.

Second make a plan. What do you want to do with yourself? All those qualities that made you a target for bullies when you were younger will make you an excellent lawyer: perseverance, intelligence, compassion.

Third check out Legal Rebels. They do unusual things as lawyers. It's a group through the ABA.

Now on this threshold of you new exciting adult life is a great time to reinvent yourself. So who do you want to be when you grow up? Set some goals for yourself & go get 'em! Your life is only beginning.
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Old 31st January 2019, 9:04 PM   #6
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I am a lawyer and I do amazing big things in my work. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss that more, but even though most lawyers are all about the billable hours and the soul-sucking nature of most legal practices is well-documented, we arenít all like that.

Also, I started my little family in my 30s. And now Iím getting a divorce and thatís a whole other story, but my dear you have so so much time to accomplish what you want to accomplish. You could finish your law degree and be licensed and still go to med school. I have a friend who did that! You can start have a family any time in the next 15 very realistically! Maybe even longer! And think back to 15 years ago and how much has happened and how far you have come.

Sitting here at my age I can tell you I am still not old. When I was your age I thought people my age were old, but I was wrong. i am not unattractive or boring. I have lots of energy and goals. I may have a whole other romance and marriage I canít even imagine yet. You have lots of time to find your path and build your tribe and your life is far from ruined. You have accomplished a lot and you can accomplish way more. Being a busy, successful happy person will attract the best possible partners into your life anyway. Focus on building a great life so that someone you meet is lucky to become a part of it and donít wait for the guy to come so you can build a life. If you do that youíll just end up living someone elseís dreams anyway.
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Old 31st January 2019, 9:10 PM   #7
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Old 31st January 2019, 9:18 PM   #8
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You are so young and you really have it going for you. You're about to become a lawyer! Be proud of yourself. You don't know what a screwed up life even looks like!

At 21 we all feel lost and confused... it's part of being young. But trust me, you're doing great. And you have lots of time to find whatever else you need to be happy.
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Old 1st February 2019, 2:04 AM   #9
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Stay in the now and change what you can for the future, not the past.

You are being really hard on yourself! At 21 you have your whole life a head of you to look forward to!

Focus on your accomplishments, the friends you do have in your life, family and your health. Everything will fall into place as it should. Stop putting so much pressure on perfection, and don't compare yourself to anybody else.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:45 PM   #10
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I understand your feeling OP, I feel the same way the only difference is I'm 2 years older than you. Going to therapy helps a little.
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