minimariah2 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I was wondering - how do you cope with GUILT? In this thread, I wanted to discuss some of coping mechanisms when dealing with guilt over hurting another person - could be dumping your SO, cheating on them, could be screwing over your friend or a coworker... Like, ONE THING you regret. One person you know you did wrong, you feel guilty about and you regret doing. Not everyone manages to get a closure, forgiveness from that person or a chance to apologize - so how do you cope with the fact that you've done someone dirty without closure & being able to make it up to that person? I'm talking about situations where you need to live with yourself, knowing that you did something you maybe never thought you'd do (regardless of your intentions). Situations where you know you've put someone else through stress and pain and possibly did them great emotional damage. Let's assume they don't want to hear from you ever again - so you have no ways of contacting them, keeping up with them or apologizing them, doing something to fix the wrong. You just exist with that guilt. So how do you cope with it? Please, share your experiences. Edited January 21, 2019 by minimariah2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah_Smiles Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I would think the main thing is to realize no one is perfect, we all make big and small mistakes daily and we all can be hurt and hurt others in return but if your intention is not to hurt and you are not malicious or calculating in how you treat others, forgiving self is a big deal and reaching out to the one you may have hurt is the other hand that holds the self-forgiveness hand. If you know where they live a handwritten note would be a kind gesture towards healing or mending what had occurred between the two. You do not need them to answer you, maybe even say so in your note, so it doesn't look like you are wanting anything in return and then let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I like the handwritten note idea sent snail mail. That is what I have done in the past. I have received these as well and been touched by the sincerity that came with it. My ex mother-in-law did not like me. I was not good enough for her son. Long story short... years later after I finished raising my 2 kids alone as a single mother out of the blue I got a card from her telling me how sorry she was for the way she treated me and thanking me for the wonderful job I did raising her grandkids. That touched me like no other apology ever has... that card has a permanent place in my bible. Yeah... I like the handwritten note idea best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah2 Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 But what do you do when apologizing just isn't the option? Sending cards, contacting that person isn't the option. So how do you deal with the guilt, when it can't be resolved through earning forgiveness from another person? Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Write the note anyway and put it away somewhere in a safe place. Maybe somewhere down the road you will have an opportunity to make amends. Life gives us that sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 So how do you deal with the guilt, when it can't be resolved through earning forgiveness from another person? "Guilt is like a bag of f***in' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down." Quoted from a popular movie, and while it's not easy, sometimes it's necessary...Believe me, I feel your pain.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 "Guilt is like a bag of f***in' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down." Quoted from a popular movie, and while it's not easy, sometimes it's necessary...Believe me, I feel your pain.. TFY What is your guilt from TFY? Very simple but powerful quote. I had (and took) the opportunity to say "I'm sorry" directly to the people I hurt. It was the most humbling and raw human experience. But it didn't ease my pain, hope and pray it helped them though. My next step is to forgive myself. I'd rather apologize 1000 times to someone else than forgive myself. I think that's the key though...understand we are all flawed and will make tremendous mistakes through our life journey. We need to forgive ourselves. Drop that bag of bricks. Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 @What_Did_I_Do, at least you are penitent for what you may have done. That is a good thing in it's self. Also, if it was a mistake rather than and intentional, then that is not as bad. I myself am awful. I don't have penitence. And you here on this thread talk about mistakes, what about intentional bad things? Does no one do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah2 Posted January 24, 2019 Author Share Posted January 24, 2019 And you here on this thread talk about mistakes, what about intentional bad things? Does no one do that? sure. you've intentionally hurt someone. you did something you knew it would hurt them but you did it anyway. how do you deal with that? how do you live with knowing you might hurt someone emotionally, deeply, forever? nobody wants to be that one person who ruined someone else's life, that one person that caused someone's trust issues - but if you are that person? how do you deal? Life gives us that sometimes. sometimes it doesn't. for example, when the person we've hurt passes away before we've had the chance to apologize. then, you're left with this guilt and sorrow and how do you deal with that and how does that go away...? if it CAN go away? I think that's the key though...understand we are all flawed and will make tremendous mistakes through our life journey. We need to forgive ourselves. Drop that bag of bricks. but HOW? Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 (edited) sometimes it doesn't. for example, when the person we've hurt passes away before we've had the chance to apologize. then, you're left with this guilt and sorrow and how do you deal with that and how does that go away...? if it CAN go away? If the person I have hurt has passed away before I had the chance to apologize then I would have a conversation with God asking him for forgiveness and how I can repent and learn from this experience. Through prayer and honestly looking at myself I am directed to do something to improve myself so I won't repeat that behavior in the future. I might even feel an urge to take on a cause in their name. I might still write that letter which represents my attempt to apologize. Writing is a good way to get things out and a good way to talk with God too. I have been having an on going conversation with God since I was ten years old so I know he provides me with the direction I need. I count on it. I call it Faith Edited January 24, 2019 by Rayce Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 Even if I didn't believe in God I would still do self reflection and see where I might improve myself so I won't repeat that behavior in the future. I might even feel an urge to take on a cause in their name. I would still write that letter which represents my attempt to apologize. Writing is a good way to get things out. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 But what do you do when apologizing just isn't the option? Sending cards, contacting that person isn't the option. So how do you deal with the guilt, when it can't be resolved through earning forgiveness from another person? Even if they are still contactable, it doesn't mean they will give forgiveness. Perhaps the moving on comes from treating the issue as a learning experience and vowing to never do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 Hopefully self reflection will lead to self forgiveness. You need that. Forgive yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Amy1992 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 But what do you do when apologizing just isn't the option? Sending cards, contacting that person isn't the option. So how do you deal with the guilt, when it can't be resolved through earning forgiveness from another person? Guessing this is somebody you knew very well, if it's eating away at you like this. If contacting them isn't an option, why not think of a charity or cause close to their heart and donate something to it? Or make some other gesture that you know this person would value and be proud of you for making? Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah2 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 If contacting them isn't an option, why not think of a charity or cause close to their heart and donate something to it? Perhaps the moving on comes from treating the issue as a learning experience and vowing to never do it again. valid points. but - if one decides to do better in future, give back to the community, charity... they are making themselves feel better... about themselves but that doesn't really do much for the person they've hurt. seems like trying to put a bandage on a gun shot wound. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 but - if one decides to do better in future, give back to the community, charity... they are making themselves feel better... about themselves but that doesn't really do much for the person they've hurt. minimariah2, What you seem not to be taking into account is the other person's power and ability to heal, forgive and get over whatever you did, entirely on his or her own, possibly with therapy but without anything further from you. That is, ultimately people are responsible for their own mental-emotional-spiritual health and well-being, and they have the means to attain and maintain it whenever they decide and choose; they don't depend on or need us for it. Similarly, fretting about this is hurting your own mental-emotional well-being, and you also have the power and ability to heal, forgive yourself and get over it. It's not about the other person, at this point. Wishing you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 To me forgiveness , even payback , still can't relieve the guilt. lt might be a bag of bricks ha, l love that one. But that doesn't make it any easier to set it down. l just hope guilts don't come with us into afterlife too, if there is one. Link to post Share on other sites
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