Feeling sick while thinking about love

[Daniel95]

Hello everyone, I am Daniel. To make things short I feel sick when I feel "in love". I've been going to therapy for a while now and made some improvements.

My main issue now is that I feel the need of showing afection but at the same time I feel bad. This is my train of thought:

I want to date a lesbian friend of mine, I can"t.

If I can't date her,I should date other women

If I date a woman, she must be virgin because she must think like me.

I'm 23,there are no more virgin women anymore.

If there are no more virgin women, then I should change.

I feel that if I change I'm being unfair with myself

I'll never find anyone

 

That's the train of thought it keeps grinding my head over and over again. I've read forums trying to get this virgininity concept out of my head but I just end up being more determined to keep waiting. Everyone always tells mme "But what if you find the perfect woman but she isn'tvirgin" and my head just thinks "Then she isn't perfect" or "How could she tell me she loves me if she jad another guy(s) genitalia inside her?"

So this is what is troubling atm and to be honest, it completely saddens me some days

[Osho]

So you wouldn’t accept a hundred dollar bill because someone else touched it first? Drive a Ferrari Italia because another man was in it?

 

Are you completely pure yourself?

[Daniel95]

Yes I'm virgin

[basil67]

How could she tell me she loves me if she jad another guy(s) genitalia inside her?

 

Happy to talk this through with you. What is behind this thought process?

[d0nnivain]

While I don't agree with your ideal of virginity, I support your right to think that way.

 

My suggestion is that you keep looking. You may need to change where you look. Are you religious? Do become active in your faith & let it be known that you are looking for a wife. Try the OLD site Christian Mingle or something similar for your faith.

 

Love should not make you feel sick. Depressed maybe because you have expectations that are hard to find in the modern world. You will also have to give up on dating your lesbian friend, because she doesn't like men. Again unrequited love is also heartbreaking. Perhaps she knows some nice straight women who share your values.

[amaysngrace]

You’re not perfect just because you’re a virgin and no woman will be either. We’re human and therefore we’re all flawed.

 

I’m glad you’re in therapy since it doesn’t seem like you have a grip on reality.

[Daniel95]

You’re not perfect just because you’re a virgin and no woman will be either. We’re human and therefore we’re all flawed.

 

I’m glad you’re in therapy since it doesn’t seem like you have a grip on reality.

 

In no way I believe I'm perfect just because I'm virgin and I think your comment about my therapy is hurtful to say the least

[amaysngrace]

Well you’re the one who says virginity makes a person perfect. So yes, while it may sound hurtful, I think it’s really good if you remain in therapy.

 

That’s not being mean, that’s stating an observation and my opinion...nothing more.

[Garcon1986]

Maybe you should continue your therapy and then date within religious circles only? Potentially you will find your favourite lady within maybe a church with very law-abiding, mild mannered women who don't have sex until they are married. It's OK for you to want virgins only, but there's plenty of evidence on this forum alone that people can love each other well who have been in more than one relationship.

 

I agree with you that unrequited love is sad, but we've all had to go through it at some point. So I would incorporate mandatory happiness into my day. For me it is looking at pictures of orca families. What does true happiness for you look like?

[Daniel95]

Well you’re the one who says virginity makes a person perfect. So yes, while it may sound hurtful, I think it’s really good if you remain in therapy.

 

That’s not being mean, that’s stating an observation and my opinion...nothing more.

I never stated that virginity makes a person perfect. My friends have told me "What if you find the perfect woman for you but she isn't virgin" My answer is she isn't perfect for me. I could change that question into "What if you find the ideal woman" and the answer would be she isnt ideal. I found your statement about therapy hurtul because it doesnt add anything or helps me. It basically felt like "I'm glad you are going to therapy because you are a complete lunatic" which I believe was what you wanted to tell me.

[d0nnivain]

Daniel95

 

Would you be willing to share with us how you came to the conclusion that virginity is the ideal? Is it religious based?

 

I am worried about you in the sense that you seem very rigid on the subject & it's bringing you so much unhappiness. For that reason I am glad you have a professional to talk to.

[Daniel95]

Happy to talk this through with you. What is behind this thought process?

 

It just pretty straightforward, just thinking about a possible relationship with a non virgin girl my brain goes like "Naah,no way this woman is going to be the one I spend my days with" and some subjects like romance feels absurd.

[d0nnivain]

Why does romance feel absurd? Romance is glorious. It's a warm happy uplifting feeling that is dizzying, exciting & reassuring all that the same time.

[Daniel95]

Why does romance feel absurd? Romance is glorious. It's a warm happy uplifting feeling that is dizzying, exciting & reassuring all that the same time.

If I imagine a love story in my mind, if f both partners are virgin, it feels "romantic". Take virginity from one of them and then it feels absurd.

Would you be willing to share with us how you came to the conclusion that virginity is the ideal? Is it religious based?

 

I am worried about you in the sense that you seem very rigid on the subject & it's bringing you so much unhappiness

 

I can't explain why but it feels its something so important and I've been waiting for so long that "settling" wouldn't be fair for me or the woman I would be "settling" for. I was raised as a Catholic but all my family members believe that "virginity" law is outdated.

 

I'm 100% rigid on this subject and I'm going to therapy for this and other issues. I try to convince myself to change my way of thinking but it just wears me down. It's like trying to figure out an extremely difficult puzzle. And the worse days are those when I kinda know the answer to the puzzle and is that there is no one out there for me which saddens me a lot.

[preraph]

Well, you're going to have to change. I am glad you're in therapy. You need to grow. If you have beliefs that would keep you from being able to date, that's your issue and it needs to change. Stay in therapy.

[d0nnivain]

If you believe that you are sharing yourself for that one special person, so be it. All I'm saying is be a tad flexible. If you meet somebody & she's not a virgin but has since "reformed" & now believes in monogamy -- I'm talking somebody who maybe had sex 2-3 times with the same guy in high school but then realized pre marital sex isn't for her -- give that person some understanding. Fall back on you Catholic upbringing & the idea that nobody is perfect & we are all sinners deserving of forgiveness if we are repentant.

 

 

On some levels your rigidity is making everything harder then it has to be. It's wonderful to have standards but some understanding & compassion can go a long way.

[basil67]

Imagine that you find a virgin woman and date her. The two of you have sex and sooner or later the relationship ends and you're no longer a virgin.

 

How would this impact your future dating?

[basil67]

It just pretty straightforward, just thinking about a possible relationship with a non virgin girl my brain goes like "Naah,no way this woman is going to be the one I spend my days with" and some subjects like romance feels absurd.

 

My question was related to this >>"How could she tell me she loves me if she jad another guy(s) genitalia inside her?"<<

 

Why do you think a woman can't love you if she's had sex with someone else?

[BaileyB]

Imagine that you find a virgin woman and date her. The two of you have sex and sooner or later the relationship ends and you're no longer a virgin.

 

How would this impact your future dating?

 

Indeed. If this was to happen, you will have to become more flexible in your thinking if you wanted to continue dating.

 

Is it possible that you will meet another virgin and live happily ever after. Possibly. It’s also entirely possible that the relationship will not work out (for whatever reason), and you may have relationships with other people. There is nothing “wrong” with that, it happens everyday.

 

The rigidity of your thinking is not going to allow you have a particularly happy life, if what you desire (to meet and have a long term relationship with another virgin) does not happen.

[BaileyB]

If I imagine a love story in my mind, if both partners are virgin, it feels "romantic". Take virginity from one of them and then it feels absurd.

 

I'm 100% rigid on this subject.

 

Not much anyone can say or do if you are 100% rigid on this subject.

Edited January 20, 2019 by BaileyB

[Daniel95]

Not much anyone can say or do if you are 100% rigid on this subject.

 

When I say I'm rigid, I mean, my intelectual self recognizes I'm making things really hard for me and when I try to change I find so much resistance. I'm a conscious human being that knows virginity nowadays it's pretty rare.

 

If you meet somebody & she's not a virgin but has since "reformed" & now believes in monogamy -- I'm talking somebody who maybe had sex 2-3 times with the same guy in high school but then realized pre marital sex isn't for her -- give that person some understanding.

 

I kinda understand that view. Is the most realistic thing I could get. My issue is that the relationship stars really badly and if I don't see much improvement from my part I don't think is it worth even attempting to get into a relationship.

I tried everything, I even made a list of "What am I willing to let go"from the Louise Hay book and nope, I can't make myself erase that. I tried making a list what qualities my "loved one" should have and had to erase some that I would be fine not having. It ends up I don't mind she is broke, don't mind if she is jealous all the time or if she is kinda mean as long as she is virgin.

 

Anyway, thank you everyone for your responses. I felt the need to share what I'm going through. I was a bit scared of reading the comments in this thread given I had stopped thinking about this matter for some days so I was doing great for some days. I'll give this subject a rest for sometime, keep on working on myself and just try to have as much fun as I can before college stars again.

[Garcon1986]

Just remember to journal what you really want in a woman, could live without, and totally don't want to see in a woman, and then write in a second column, which qualities you could negotiate on.

 

 

Everyone tries to be British, but nobody can be perfect. You can't have everything you want, but you can get pretty close. If you really insist on virginity, then just try to look amongst the church community only. Just remember to live with the consequences of there being a lot less choice.

[Daniel95]

My question was related to this >>"How could she tell me she loves me if she jad another guy(s) genitalia inside her?"<<

 

Why do you think a woman can't love you if she's had sex with someone else?

 

I recognize she may love me but that I wouldn't believe she does. My mindset goes "the one I'm supposed to be with wouldn't have done that" so that's why that love feels just fake. Even giving it a try would be unfair, because I wouldn't really completely love her, I would be "settling" and that just feels bad. "You are not the woman I expected to find but I don't want to be alone"

 

Just remember to live with the consequences of there being a lot less choice.

Rather that lot less choice, no choice I believe in this XXI century.

 

 

 

Yesterday I had a day out with my lesbian friend (I've already come to terms with the fact she'll never be my gf) who happens to live in the city where our college is. I told her that I wasn't very well emotionally and I told her that I didn't want to start the year. She told me a new year is good because we are going to get to live new experiences( like cooking together, meeting new people and that sort of stuff) but in the big picture I'm saddened by "new experiences" because I have the feeling that new experiences to me is just getting heartbroken again just in a different way, I may meet a girl and I'm going to have burn my mind thinking about this virginity issue and then I remember the past (dealing with things I didn't do in the past) when I rejected so many women in my premise of finding the one that I believe that I waited so much time that just settling would be being tremendously unfair with myself.