How To Deal With Depression Living Alone?

[AmyHershaw]

Ever since I broke up with my ex who was abusive six months ago, I've not been myself, I often feel unhappy and alone. I've been struggling with my mental health for the last couple of years, I've tried counselling, but it didn't benefit me much. My mental health improved when I was with my ex before he started displaying the abusive behaviour and used to see him every day, so I always had company. After breaking up with him, I've been broken that things turned out how they did and I've found myself being on my own a lot. I live in student accommodation and see my roommates sometimes, but not often. We used to meet each other in the kitchen every night to play on a quizzing app, but we don't do that anymore and two of them have had a large falling out with each other, so they aren't talking to each other. We had a night out drinking once back in October. I haven't made many friends on my Performing Arts course, because there's constant competition on who is the best (I'm aware it's a competitive industry) and there is a lot of drama in the group and I feel like I don't fit in. My parents don't live far away, but the reason I decided to move into student accommodation is because there were a lot of arguments between myself and my parents and I wanted my own space and independence. However, as much as I love having my own space and the independence, I just feel lonely and it's not good being left with my own thoughts as it is worsening my mental health. I've recently reached a point where I feel worthless. I don't know if I became too reliant on my ex for company, I'm just not sure what I can do to overcome this. I'm starting the gym soon to lose the weight I gained from all the comfort eating I've been doing. I don't want to feel like this anymore as it's not me.

Edited January 8, 2019 by AmyHershaw

[Garcon1986]

You have to intentionally work in happy things to your routine. When I am unhappy, I browse pictures of orcas (killer whales), and ponder how cute and adorable they are. I quickly get happy after I do that.

 

Make a list of your hobbies or happy thoughts - and intentionally make it a part of your schedule. After consistently trying this, your mood will start to change.

[Lotsgoingon]

Assuming you are a student, get to the university counseling center--yesterday!

 

Start there.

[BaileyB]

Assuming you are a student, get to the university counseling center--yesterday!

 

Start there.

 

Agreed.

 

There are many studies that demonstrate how loneliness and isolation can negatively affect mental health. Social connections and a sense of purpose are important - for physical and mental health.

 

I hear what you are saying, I used to feel lonely sometimes when I lived alone and when I was single. I had many friends, frequently saw my family, and had lots of social interaction at work... but I would come home to an empty apartment and I would have too much time to think... It was very lonely.

 

My best advice, find things that you enjoy and do them! If it involves other people, even better! Exercise has been proven to be more beneficial for mild depression than medication. I joined a knitting group and learned how to knit - I made new friends and kept my mind busy!

 

Remember, happiness comes from within. A new boyfriend will distract you, and the relationship will bring you joy, but if you are depressed when you are single, you will also be depressed when you are in a relationship.

 

One of my favourite quotes - “You can never be lonely if you are good company.” Enjoy this single time - you won’t always have the time to do whatever you want to do. Be good company for yourself...

 

And, well done for getting out of the abusive relationship! Best wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Force yourself to be out of the apartment. Study in the library or student center, just not in a isolated place. Join a campus organization to make friends outside of your cutthroat major. Exercise. Make sure you take the longest walking route to classes so you are outside getting sunshine. Make a point to interact with your roommates.

 

You claim counseling didn't work. I suspect you had the wrong counselor. I have had amazing ones & horrible ones. Keep looking.

[Lotsgoingon]

Uh ... trying counseling and finding it not helpful ... is sorta like saying "I went outside one day, and it was cold, so I didn't it helpful to ever go outside."

 

There are a lot of mediocre and weak counselors out there--unfortunately. And for whatever reason, we click with some counselors and not others ...Without the clicking, we don't get honest, we don't feel optimistic, we don't practice what we're discussing ...

 

Listen, about a decade ago, I found an amazing therapist ... I went to her as long as I could afford, but she was really expensive ... So I went searching for a new counselor who took my insurance ... I think I visited 3 or 4 people, and I stopped each time ... until I finally found someone who is amazing!!!!

 

If you didn't get anything out of counseling, tell the service that ... and they'll assign you another counselor. You also might be covered under your parents' insurance (if they have it) for going to a counselor off campus.

 

Keep going ... an excellent counselor for you is out there.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've recently reached a point where I feel worthless. I don't know if I became too reliant on my ex for company, I'm just not sure what I can do to overcome this. I'm starting the gym soon to lose the weight I gained from all the comfort eating I've been doing. I don't want to feel like this anymore as it's not me.

 

Agree with other who suggest continuing therapy. It's not unusual in any one-on-one professional relationship - therapist, physical trainer, decorator, etc - to take a few tries to find the right person.

 

You seem to have abdicated the responsibility for your own happiness, you've outsourced it to other people. That's a flawed approach, even the best relationship won't make you happy all the time. The question isn't who you enjoy being with, it's what do you enjoy doing? What activities bring you relaxation, joy and satisfaction? As a performer, I'll bet there's many things you're good at. Focusing on those would help you move ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Beachead]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles AmyHershaw.

 

It takes a lot of strength to leave a bad relationship. You still love the person but are forced to prioritize your long-term well being, over the love you have for them because of what they do..and just because you leave, doesn't mean you didn't stop loving them. In any case, this shows that you care about yourself. It's not easy.

 

Moving out of your parents house was a good move for you as well and another indicator that you care about yourself and are thinking forward. The gym is great too. Being physically active is known to release endorphins that interact with your brain and change your perception of pain. The result can can mean on average, you'll feel a bit more positive after a workout. It'll also boost your energy and if you know what you're doing, have a plan and are consistent with it, you'll see results that'll change you not just physically but will build your confidence and make you feel good.

 

Coming on here was also a great move. So I would say, you are committed to building a great future for yourself.

 

Is it alright to ask why you've been struggling with your mental health the past few years? Apart from the fact that you are still only about half a year into your breakup which is still somewhat recent in my books, there may some valuable information here that may also be contributing to your mood.

 

When we are heavily wounded, we are prone to seeking in others what we lack in ourself. We become a little more attached, overly invested in their life, dependant etc.

 

Hope to hear back from you. Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AmyHershaw]

It takes a lot of strength to leave a bad relationship. You still love the person but are forced to prioritize your long-term well being, over the love you have for them because of what they do..and just because you leave, doesn't mean you didn't stop loving them. In any case, this shows that you care about yourself. It's not easy.

<SNIP>

 

Thank you so much for your reply! What you say is true, breaking up with him was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made. I loved him to pieces, but I couldn't have him being the perfect boyfriend to me sometimes then being constantly irritated by me and saying things that caused me to feel bad about myself other times. I didn't believe my friends at first when they told me he was being abusive, but I realised not longer afterwards and I'm glad I did. I'm still in the process of moving on from him, I need to heal before considering entering another relationship.

 

I felt it was a good decision moving out of my parents' house, I had been wanting to gain some independence for a while. I just find it lonely at times, but I suppose this is normal. Before I didn't, because I had him with me almost all the time, so I got used to always having someone there and it still feels odd that I don't have that anymore. I'm going to aim to go to the gym a few times a week. I agree with you when you say it will improve my confidence and make me more positive, it's definitely what I need at the moment.

 

I find sharing my problems on here to be massively helpful. Some of the members of this site are very obliging.

 

I started having problems with my mental health while I was in my first relationship. I had the contraceptive implant fitted and after a couple of weeks of having it, I noticed there was changes in my mood where I was often feeling downtrodden and became emotionally fragile. I had the implant removed later, but he had broken up with me as soon as I told him I was experiencing problems with the implant and he had been cheating on me emotionally at the very least with my best friend from school as well as being flirtatious towards another girl I knew from school. He had booked most of Christmas holidays off work, but he only saw me a couple of times. For the remainder of the holidays, he had been seeing my friend regularly. My friend had been worsening things for us by telling me bad things about him and telling him bad things about me, she wasn't sad for me when we broke up then I later found out it was because she wanted to get with him, which she did. I just became a broken person and I wasn't myself for a while. I later dated a girl who cheated on me with a guy she met on a dating site while she was with me then she broke up with me and started dating him and that caused my self-esteem and confidence to completely shatter. I've just been very unlucky with the people I've dated. It's ruined my confidence and I've been struggling to get it back. During the relationship I've recently come out of, I found it difficult to trust him even before he started being off with me, because of how I had been treated in the relationships I were in before him. He probably thinks I was a little mad. I just feel like I'm a bit of a mess at the moment and I need to fix myself.

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AmyHershaw]

You have to intentionally work in happy things to your routine. When I am unhappy, I browse pictures of orcas (killer whales), and ponder how cute and adorable they are. I quickly get happy after I do that.

 

Make a list of your hobbies or happy thoughts - and intentionally make it a part of your schedule. After consistently trying this, your mood will start to change.

 

Thank you, that is good advice. I'll take that on board.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello Amy

 

I hope you're still following this thread.

 

I also get periodic cases of the blues and one thing that always helps me to get out the funk is to do something nice for somebody. I love to cook and one typical thing for me is to plan and prepare something that is really good to eat and share it with someone. This often enough is with my family but many times it will be with a friend or neighbor or someone else. It doesn't really matter, just as long as I am doing something for someone who will enjoy the results.

 

Another big thing for me is to get out of the house and get some sun and air. Now that I am not working any more I sometimes will end up staying at home for days in a row. So I create an excuse to get out and run errands, go to the post office, go put gas in the truck, shop for groceries.

 

And yes, exercise, good nutrition, counseling and medical care are a priority. But those little things I mention above can do a lot for you , as well.

 

Best wishes and let us know how you are doing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My advice is to volunteer or just go out of your way periodically to help someone else. Shift your focus. Also, painting is awesome. And also dogs.

 

Hang in there!

[LonelyITGuy]

Uh ... trying counseling and finding it not helpful ... is sorta like saying "I went outside one day, and it was cold, so I didn't it helpful to ever go outside."

 

There are a lot of mediocre and weak counselors out there--unfortunately. And for whatever reason, we click with some counselors and not others ...Without the clicking, we don't get honest, we don't feel optimistic, we don't practice what we're discussing ...

 

Listen, about a decade ago, I found an amazing therapist ... I went to her as long as I could afford, but she was really expensive ... So I went searching for a new counselor who took my insurance ... I think I visited 3 or 4 people, and I stopped each time ... until I finally found someone who is amazing!!!!

 

If you didn't get anything out of counseling, tell the service that ... and they'll assign you another counselor. You also might be covered under your parents' insurance (if they have it) for going to a counselor off campus.

 

Keep going ... an excellent counselor for you is out there.

 

You have NO idea how true this is. I've had great ones and useless ones. You absolutely ned to try different counselors until you find one that you really click with.

 

And I also agree that you need to get out more. I know exactly how you feel. Once you get stuck in the isolation vortex, it can get pretty bad. (I struggle with this all the time) Go to the gym. Make a point of going out with a friend one night a week. Baby steps.

[camillalev]

I've been where you are. Go back to therapy and try new counselors until you find one that works for you. Don't feel down on life or yourself if that doesnt happen right away, it takes time.

 

As for being social, volunteer and join various groups/clubs so you can be around people. meetup.com is a good place to start if you're school doesn't have something that's interesting to you. There's groups for everything - card playing, board games, hiking, photography outings, knitting, volleyball, language practice. The point is just go be around others, which is something that's helped me a lot. And try to go in with no expectations.

[Samanta]

I need some advice about depression treatment. My girlfriend suffers from this kind of disease. I thought that she could go through this without serious treatment, but now she feels worse than a couple of months ago. What do you know about such treatment and drugs? I heard a bunch of strange stories about addiction to such drugs. Recently I read a post about substance abuse of women on Addiction Recourse. So I'm afraid she can become addicted too. Could you help me? Maybe someone faced a similar problem?