How do I figure myself out?

[panphoenix]

Hi, new here....

I am a 50 yr old woman who has recently come out of a slightly disfunctional relationship (we broke up 9 months ago) after having been together, on and off, for 11 years. During that time, we did live together for a while, but circumstances with work meant that for the past 4 years we have been living apart while still maintaining a monogamous relationship.

 

After we broke it off, we mutually decided to remain friends.... which has kinda morphed into a friends-with-benefits arrangement. In many ways, our current relationship as FWB's is far, far better than what we ever had when we called ourselves a couple.

We have always been open and honest, and we decided to explore our sexuality by joining a swinging community, knowing that we each know the other so well that we could be on the lookout for each other - a safety net, if you will. This has worked perfectly fine for both of us, and I would have been happy to continue on this way.... up until a short while ago when something I witnessed caused me to be jolted out of my comfort zone...

 

I saw two people who were so in love that they seemed to be a single organism. At what can only be called the worst possible moment of their lives, the complete connectedness of this couple in the face of extreme distress was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

In that moment, upon hearing the very worst news of their lives, their love for each other shone through so radiantly that I almost felt blinded by it.

 

And it struck me..... THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

Not necessarily with the man I am sleeping with now...

 

Here I am, 50 years old, the veteran of three failed long-term relationships. Resigned to being alone for the rest of my life - that I will never get to experience being married to, and growing old with, that one special person.

But wanting it so badly that it makes me ache.

 

What I have right now is fun. It's safe. It's exciting. Doing it with my best friend is comforting and secure. We get on fabulously. We both have zero expectations from eachother (I have managed to remain good friends with all but one of my previous partners - a rare thing it seems.)

 

I consider myself to be a fairly well-rounded person. I am confident, outgoing, make friends easily, honest to a fault, bubbly, happy...

I have friends and family around me, and my life is filled with interest and fun. I never actually feel lonely, nor do I get bored.

So why do I feel like I have nothing?

What is it about me as a person that has resulted in my being alone at night, with nobody to hold, nobody to share with, nobody to look toward the future with?

And how do I go about working out what I need to change in order to achieve what seems so easy for everyone else, yet so damn impossible in my own life?

 

I have done counselling. I have read self-help books endlessly. I have gone online and done short courses on self development. I have visited spiritual centres, searching for answers. I have made list after list, and they just end up being jumbled messes.

And at the end of it all, I go to bed alone every night.

 

What I am asking for, in the end, is how do I work out EXACTLY what I want?

Is there some part of the process that I simply haven't 'got' yet?

And if it turns out I can't have what I want... How do I reconcile and learn to accept that instead?

Surely, evaluating myself and forming clear life and relationship goals shouldn't be this hard?

 

Thankyou for reading x

Edited November 26, 2018 by panphoenix

[d0nnivain]

I'm your age & I'm still figuring things out.

 

At least you can figure out what you don't want. That way you don't go down a wrong path.

 

In my late 30s when I decided I wanted to get married, I set some goals for myself & made the effort to get out there to meet people, attending at least one social event per week even when I didn't want to. I expanded my horizons a little bit. I met some men from OLD who I wouldn't have given the time of day to previously. That turned out to be a waste of time disaster so I stopped doing that after about 90 days. I also agreed to date younger for the 1st time & have since been happily married to a great man 5 years my junior. At 15 & 20 that would have been a problem. At 50, nobody cares.

 

Make some lists. Write out some action steps. See what that gets you.

 

Also try some new things in your life. Go somewhere in town you have never been. Join a club. Take up a hobby. In short explore.

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you considered the fact that hanging on to a FWB while playing in the swinging community pretty efffectively walls you off from the very thing you say you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[brigit87]

Hi, new here....

 

Here I am, 50 years old, the veteran of three failed long-term relationships. Resigned to being alone for the rest of my life - that I will never get to experience being married to, and growing old with, that one special person.

But wanting it so badly that it makes me ache.

 

I consider myself to be a fairly well-rounded person. I am confident, outgoing, make friends easily, honest to a fault, bubbly, happy...

I have friends and family around me, and my life is filled with interest and fun. I never actually feel lonely, nor do I get bored.

So why do I feel like I have nothing?

 

Welcome. I just turned 50 myself and always like to meet women my age.

 

Congratulations on having a well-rounded life! If you never feel bored or lonely then you're doing better than most.

 

If you want a special person then the only way is thru monogamy and pair-bonding. It's not as fun and exciting as causal stuff but it's fulfilling.

[FMW]

I agree with Mr. Lucky and brigit. Spending your time in casual relationships is most likely the reason you don't have what you want. It's distracting you and clouding the issue.

 

Spend a little time on your own, without casual hookups, and you will probably gain some clarity on your situation.

[panphoenix]

Ok.... I already have a very full and active social life and circle of friends. So I do get out and about, as well as constantly meeting new and interesting people.

 

As for my sexual life...... ideally, I want to meet someone who loves me for me. That includes accepting that I want to play away from home or include others in our play. I know it's possible..... in my new lifestyle I have now met several couples who have precisely that!

 

I spent many, many years being the dutiful partner/mother/socially acceptable android. Now, I am confident enough to explore all the facets of myself I kept hidden all those years, and I like it. A lot. More than a lot.

I do not want to have to give that up for someone. Been there, done that.

 

I have also spent quite a while alone. No partner. No sex. Just learning to be single. I have no issue being by myself.... I just really want someone to share my life with on a level I see, but have never experienced.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for my sexual life...... ideally, I want to meet someone who loves me for me. That includes accepting that I want to play away from home or include others in our play. I know it's possible..... in my new lifestyle I have now met several couples who have precisely that!

 

But did they start off that way?

 

Just be aware that filtering your results limits the scope of your search. And someone you meet in the "lifestyle" may be there for very different reasons than you are.

 

Most of us want it all. Perhaps you'll be one of the lucky few to have that wish come true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GinON]

You saw a perfectly happy couple in a moment of their lives. Realize that they may have been miserable 2 years ago or could be 2 years from now.

 

Its good to see what you want but it may be that you are seeing some nice grass on the other side of the fence...

 

We all tend to put the best face of our relationships in public and everyone I know thought my wife and I were that perfectcouple, so often we were envied for our compatibility, and natural comfort that we oozed as a couple. We both wanted it to be; sometimes thought we had that, but in reality we weren't actually satisfying each other entirely or enough. We hid our unfulfilled truths from ourselves and each other to keep the peace and enjoy the pretense of happiness. I am not saying real happiness isnt out there, but just be aware that you are seeing a small sliver of their lives that they are letting you see, letting each other see, and letting their relationship have.

 

Also be aware that you make your own self worth, not the relationship, nor the person you are with. If you go and put all the weight of this longing on someone else, they will not be able to satisfy it and you will feel disappointed. If you make yourself as awesome as you can be, and find someone to share that with, you have a much better chance of finding yourself in a deep fulfilling relationship.

[Ronni_W]

- that I will never get to experience being married to, and growing old with, that one special person.

But wanting it so badly that it makes me ache.

As for my sexual life...... ideally, I want to meet someone who loves me for me. That includes accepting that I want to play away from home or include others in our play.

These two desires are mutually exclusive. Neither is wrong, either is possible, but not in the same time and space. There is either one special person for you and to whom you commit yourself,

or there are many special people for you and to whom you commit yourself equally.

 

On the flip-side of that, you cannot expect one person to commit and give to you more than you want to do on your side. In multiple-partner situations or lifestyles, it is a given that

any one of the participating partners can be chosen over any of the others, on the basis of in-the-moment desire alone, this choice not signifying rejection of, or displeasure with, any of the other available partners.

 

So, it really is a matter of deciding what aspect of your growth you will choose to make your focus and priority - variety of sexual partners and experiences

or putting yourself in a position where there is just you and one partner, and you have the single responsibility of making that work.

[bathtub-row]

I think the song “looking for love in all the wrong places” begs to be brought up here. Swinging? FWBs? Really? You may or may not ever find what you’re looking for but you’re just about guaranteed not to find it through those means.

[Nilfiry]

So why do I feel like I have nothing?

 

Because these things that you have are merely distractions from what you really want.

 

What is it about me as a person that has resulted in my being alone at night, with nobody to hold, nobody to share with, nobody to look toward the future with?

 

Nothing. Love, as all aspects of life, is a gamble. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you miss. There are plenty of bad people out there with better spouses than they deserve. It has less to do with you as a person than you would think as long as you seem normal enough.

 

And how do I go about working out what I need to change in order to achieve what seems so easy for everyone else, yet so damn impossible in my own life?

 

It is one thing to experience and another to learn from your experience. If you do not learn from your experience, you will end up repeating the same thing over and over, and if you repeat the same things, you will get the same results. Nevertheless, as mentioned above, there is no guarantee who you will meet in life. You can maximize your chances by changing the way you are now, but it may ultimately make no difference. You can only continue to try.

 

What I am asking for, in the end, is how do I work out EXACTLY what I want?

 

Sounds like you know what you want well enough. The problem here seems to be more the how to get than what to get:

 

"I do not want to have to give that up for someone. Been there, done that.

...

I just really want someone to share my life with on a level I see, but have never experienced"

 

If I have to give an advice on this, however, I would say reduce your distractions. How can you see what you want to see when you keep looking at everything else that passes by in life? Everything that you have done so far, from the counseling to the spiritual centers, have merely been distractions. If the question is about, "I," then why are you looking outside at books and online courses for help when you should be looking inward directly at the, "I?"

 

And if it turns out I can't have what I want... How do I reconcile and learn to accept that instead?

 

There is really no learning to accept. You learn to cope. You do not learn to accept. You just do it. Just like how when someone gives you a gift, you do not learn how to take it, you just take it. However, accepting is difficult for most people because it means letting go of something else. In your case, you will be able to accept when you let go of your want.

 

Nevertheless, looking at how your previous relationship changed because your relationship status changed, I am inclined to believe that your problem is your expectations.

 

Expectations seem to be one of the main causes of relationship problems, especially when said expectations are misguided. Friends should be like this, couples should be like that, and this is how spouses should be. Everyone expects others to act a certain way in accordance to their status. When the other person defy their expectation, a problem arises, and when the status changes, the expectations and how you treat that person also changes. In your case, you suddenly got along better with your EX after you broke up not because either one of you changed but because your expectation of each other changed, and with that change, so too did your treatment of each other changed.

 

I will not say whether it is good or bad, right or wrong, to have expectation that comes with certain statuses, but I can say that different people have different expectations for the same things. Often times, conflict occurs because these things cannot be reconciled and people forget the individual element of a relationship. Perhaps you should take a look at the kind of expectations that you have or have had in a relationship, whether or not they have been met, and what changes you can make in your expectations to be more accommodating.