goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) I'm feeling sick right now, as an old date/friend of mine is due to be coming over to see me tomorrow (Thurs) and I'm... terrified, tbh. In a nutshell, I've not had any visitors (excluding my parents) for some time, because I've been embarassed about the state of my place, which became gradually worse over the last five years, partly due to previous illness. However, although I'm really trying now to improve it and even hired a cleaner for just a couple of hours at the weekend which helped, it's not yet in a presentable state in my opinion, especially because of the carpeting and stuff. But I also don't want to let this 'friend' down, incase it looks suspicious and we drift apart again. I was a bit alarmed recently when he said there's always been something wierd about me and my flat and recall the last time he was here a few years ago, he'd remarked on my (lack of) hoovering! I desperately want to move regardless, mainly because it is a council estate, but I am currently unemployed and receiving housing benefits. Edited October 31, 2018 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Hi there, I used to live in a small flat in Oxford as a little student. Might I inquire as to why it is difficult to tidy up the dwelling a little? Even people who are a bit more unfortunate (many a grad student) have time to clean up. I think we could help better if more details were provided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) Hi there, I used to live in a small flat in Oxford as a little student. Might I inquire as to why it is difficult to tidy up the dwelling a little? Even people who are a bit more unfortunate (many a grad student) have time to clean up. I think we could help better if more details were provided. Hi, thanks for the prompt reply. Well, it's a big job - So much I feel overwhelmed. I've built up far too much clutter over the years, but I'm particularly embarassed about the stains on carpets and decor needing new paint, etc. I've bought some new lino so far, but I'm waiting for some help to fit it this weekend. Then I will need some new carpeting. Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if it was a girl friend coming over, but this particular friend can make me nervous I guess. I could say that I'm in the middle of renovating, but it wouldn't surprise me if he'd remark on that too... Edited October 31, 2018 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Then I think a few days with friends helping with the cleanup is in order? What about donating some of the clutter to Oxfam or doing a recycling drive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Then I think a few days with friends helping with the cleanup is in order? What about donating some of the clutter to Oxfam or doing a recycling drive? I'd prefer to do the clean-up with my Dad say I guess, or carry on doing it myself perhaps, as I'm too embarassed to get friends involved tbh, but yes I plan to take some books and clothes to charity shops later this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Then let me send you good wishes and determination =) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Then let me send you good wishes and determination =) Thanks so much x Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if it was a girl friend coming over, but this particular friend can make me nervous I guess. I could say that I'm in the middle of renovating, but it wouldn't surprise me if he'd remark on that too... If he really is a friend, he'll be happy you're renovating and understanding of the "in progress" appearance. You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and lending way to much substance to his opinion. Relax and enjoy the time together... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 He's not going to be impressed with clutter and stains. Why not reschedule or meet him somewhere else? I would never in a million years let someone come to my place if it looked like the way you describe. Sorry if that's harsh. I'm just being honest. I hope you'll keep in mind that no matter what your circumstances, you should always respect the place you call home. No matter how small or humble it is, you'd be a lot happier if it was a place that made you feel comfortable, clean and cheerful. Instead of focusing on hoarding so many things that you really don't need and don't have the space for, how about focusing on giving yourself a healthy, roomy space. It'll do wonders for your mental health as well as physical health, and you wouldn't feel anxious and ashamed when people came to visit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Would you believe my friend has postponed! Phew! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Glad to hear of the postponement ... but ... you figured out one of the real benefits of inviting people over ... it forces us or highly encourages us to straighten up our living spaces. So keep cleaning and straightening and keep inviting people over ... That's a great way to break isolation ... I feel pretty confident I can judge how socially isolated someone is by the messiness (and horder-ness) of their living space. Clutter is one thing ... but people with chaos and limited clear floor space ... they are socially isolated ... don't have visitors over. Don't be afraid to hire someone for more cleaning ... And what I had to do is get a friend to help me figure out where to place items and arrange things so that my room looked good ... I'm terrible at design. Anyway, congrats to you for apparently taking a step to break your isolation. There was a study I remember hearing about ... one of the questions was ... when was the last time you had someone in your room or living space? ... Basically more frequent visits were correlated with feeling socially connected. So keep asking people over!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Cleaning up your living space is a high priority right now. I remember a former neighbor of mine who’s house was so cluttered and dirty I got itchy just standing in the living room. My son and I both walked out of there groaning and wanting to jump in the shower. The neighbor was super overweight and he stayed at home while his wife worked. I swore I’d never set foot in that house again. There was also a friend of mine who was going through a divorce and he asked me to help clean the house that he and his wife had lived in. I had never seen such a disaster in my life. It was a 2-story, 4,000 sq ft house that was so cluttered you could hardly walk. I spent 8 hours helping him clean and barely made a dent. When I asked what the itchy red marks were on my arms, he said they were probably from dust mites. I left after that. I lost a lot of respect for my friend who lived in a place like that and raised his kids in that environment. Not surprisingly, everyone in the house was always sick. Don’t expect people to feel comfortable in a place that is unclean. For their sake and yours, get your act together in this regard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) Thanks for the helpful replies! Can't believe that friend/date has just messaged to say he CAN make it tomorrow now and if he can ring me in the morning! I'm wondering if to say that due to him postponing, my plans have now changed?? My Mum does have a couple of hospital appointments this week... Edited October 31, 2018 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 (edited) Just been having a bad night. The same friend/ex had suggested coming over to mine tomorrow morning, when I said would confirm. To which he said no problem. I messaged this evening to say I was really sorry but had to visit my Mum tomorrow, who recently came out of hospital. Was a bit taken aback by his response - he said I should stop clinging to my parents so much! This place is making me so depressed - I was accepting help from my Dad admittedly with flooring in bathroom on Fri, but had to leave it unfinished - he's coming back tomorrow - which partly is stopping me inviting this 'friend' around. I'm utterly ashamed. I'm at my wit's end and had no energy today, then went to bed. I'm getting the cleaner back this week, because I'm not coping. Edited November 12, 2018 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Is anyone (understanding) there to chat to? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Go on my friend, I'm listening. What tipped things off this time around? Could you have squeezed in all the things? Could you have rescheduled the friend date, and maybe do it at the local park rather than your flat, which is a work in progress? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Any guy who criticizes you for visiting a sick parent is, hands down, a total jerk. I don’t know what your history is with this guy but I see shades of abuse and control on his part. As far as your home is concerned, what is it that you’re so ashamed of? I mean, lots of people get their floors worked on. I’m not sure why that’s producing shame on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Any guy who criticizes you for visiting a sick parent is, hands down, a total jerk. I don’t know what your history is with this guy but I see shades of abuse and control on his part. As far as your home is concerned, what is it that you’re so ashamed of? I mean, lots of people get their floors worked on. I’m not sure why that’s producing shame on your part. Obviously the stains are still visible. And there's still an overwhelming sense of stuff in my flat and am concerned it isn't clean enough yet for visitors. Especially as he'll likely want to come in the hedroom. Yes, he has been quite dominant/controlling before, but we have also been v close in the past. He also was being nicer to me recently and seemingly more caring/available, but it appears he's pulled back again maybe... Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Well hows it going with gradually tidying up the flat, since you have a lot of stuff to tidy up? This bloke is a bit of a knob for criticizing you seeing your mum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Also, not that long ago, he said there's always been something wierd about me and my flat - which presumedly was because he'd only ever been round a couple of/few times he said before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Well hows it going with gradually tidying up the flat, since you have a lot of stuff to tidy up? This bloke is a bit of a knob for criticizing you seeing your mum. Thanks, yes was a bit abrupt/ uncalled for I thought. I did reply saying I was independent and that the situation was only temporary. Speak tomorrow x I'm still trying with improving the place. Wil have a lot to take to charity shop/s I think! Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Don't forget to "don't sweat the small stuff". I would try to listen to Neil DeGrasse Tyson talk about the cosmic perspective. It really really puts things into perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 (edited) Obviously the stains are still visible. And there's still an overwhelming sense of stuff in my flat and am concerned it isn't clean enough yet for visitors. Especially as he'll likely want to come in the hedroom. Yes, he has been quite dominant/controlling before, but we have also been v close in the past. He also was being nicer to me recently and seemingly more caring/available, but it appears he's pulled back again maybe... There are often abandonment issues with people whose homes get into the condition you’ve let yours get into, not to mention low self-esteem - which is why you tolerate this guy and his unacceptable behavior. Having been close to him in the past isn’t really relevant to anything. It doesn’t give him license to be a jerk. Just remember that controlling and abusive people don’t ever change. They seem to change at times but they’re still who they are when all is said and done. I’d recommend that you keep him at arm’s length. If you anticipate him wanting to see your bedroom, that tells me that you’re thinking this will go further. I think that’s a big mistake. As far as your home is concerned, this is a very serious issue that should be addressed very quickly. But it seems you’re making progress. I think you need to figure out why things got this way, why it’s acceptable to you to live like that, and how you’re going to resolve it and keep it that way. Edited November 12, 2018 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 We have a tea towel hanging on the oven that says, "Friends don't care if your house is clean. They care that you have wine!" Even the wine doesn't matter, with true friends. It's you, not your home, that matters to them. Sure, extremes of dirt or clutter will raise concerns, otherwise, it probably won't matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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