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Why does rejection from people who ultimately donít matter?


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Old 11th October 2018, 10:35 PM   #1
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Why does rejection from people who ultimately donít matter, still hurt?

Why does rejection from people who ultimately donít matter, or donít make a large impact on me or my life, still hurt? Is this common for most people, or is it tied to childhood trauma? I personally had authoritarian/narcissistic parents whom which I could hardly please, and dealt with a lot of racism and rejection from the community I grew up in. I have since healed immensely from the abuse, but these nagging feelings still linger and I just want to get a grip on if this is normal, or if I need more therapy.

By rejection i mean anything, from dating guys i'm not totally sold on yet but still feeling hurt they don't try hard to win me over, or when I ask for a favor from a friend/acquaintance and either get a direct no or passive aggressive avoidance, any situation where you feel you are not getting back something you might need, be it validation or emotional support.

Last edited by grrrrrrl; 11th October 2018 at 10:42 PM.. Reason: messed up the title
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Old 11th October 2018, 11:42 PM   #2
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The simple answer to that is because everyone DOES matter to you.

Maybe another question could be: why does everyone's opinions matter?

I think we, as humans, are a lot like pack animals - like wolves. The acceptance of others in the pack is highly important. Even if one of them if a blue wolf, and another is a green wolf. They all matter, and how others see us and accept or reject us is keenly important to fitting into society as a whole.

The trick is doing the best you can do in life, be true to yourself while taking others into consideration, but learn not to let the opinions of others influence you too much -- unless you're doing something wrong and you know it. Then the judgment from others is something you should take to heart.

I recall when I was in my 2nd marriage and wanted to leave. One of the main things that was holding me to the marriage was my fear of judgment from others. Then I thought, well, what would they do if they were in my shoes? Would they be willing to live an unhappy life? Would I care if they did or didn't? I realized that if people truly knew me, knew what was in my heart, they'd understand my actions. If you're confident in your choices, you'll find that people judge you less. What others think of us usually has more to do with them and their fears than with us. My friends used to tease me and say they were going to call me Lizzy if I marry and divorce another time -- because I've been married 3 times and they were comparing me to Liz Taylor. They were joking with me and I thought it was funny but I also realized I didn't care. I told them to go ahead and call me Lizzy now. Even if people made smarmy comments about my marriages, I usually say something like, 'Have you actually had 3 people propose to you?' LOL. That was usually the end of the conversation, or they'd laugh. Don't let people shame you when you know that you did the best you could in a situation. If you did wrong, then admit it and move on. As far as people you date, understand that you're just not going to click with everyone. Finding a mate is complicated and if the other person rejects you, you don't know their real reasons - they could still be hurting over someone else, you remind them of an ex - it could be a multitude of reasons. Just keep in mind that it often doesn't work and accept that you almost never know what's going on in a person's heart and mind. In other words, don't take it so personally.

I often think of how people reacted during 9-11. Did you notice everyone kind of wandering around in shock? Did you notice how much that one incident united people? Regardless of all the good, bad, and indifference around us, I believe that ultimately we all love one another deeply and when the chips are down, all of that shines through.

Do right, learn to not be a total pleaser, make yourself happy, listen to your conscience, and don't take life or others too seriously.
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Old 12th October 2018, 12:06 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by grrrrrrl View Post
by rejection i mean anything, from dating guys i'm not totally sold on yet but still feeling hurt they don't try hard to win me over, or when I ask for a favor from a friend/acquaintance and either get a direct no or passive aggressive avoidance, any situation where you feel you are not getting back something you might need, be it validation or emotional support.
In other words, when these people are being human?

I spent most of my 20's with unrealistic expectations. My career would open up like the Red Sea parting, women would throw themselves at me and money, wine and song would flow.

Uh, didn't work out that way.

So I slowly began trying to own my half of any relationship. I went into jobs, romances and friendships with no agenda other than presenting myself as a good employee, loyal friend and faithful partner. Strangely, the less I expected - or demanded, the more I got back. And In those instances where it didn't work out, I took satisfaction in trying to do the right thing.

Boyfriends aren't there to chase you anymore than friends are there to prop you up. Focus on what you can offer them and see where that takes you...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 12th October 2018, 3:38 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by grrrrrrl View Post
, any situation where you feel you are not getting back something you might need, be it validation or emotional support.
You could look at it from the other person's side - they might not have the insight, strength or inner resources to deal with whatever you need, be it validation, emotional support or whatever else.
Not that it's against you, but that they just can't do it for whatever reason(s).

When you talk about 'childhood trauma', are you speaking about your own frequent perceptions of feeling rejected/hurt as being a consequence of your early experiences?
Either way, though, it probably would be worthwhile to speak with a therapist about it, to ensure your own balanced expectations, etc.

Wishing you best of luck.
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Old 12th October 2018, 5:31 PM   #5
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It doesn't matter to everyone. I know I stopped caring what a lot of people thought in junior high when I was being bullied some and one day it hit me that I was a better person than they were, a person who wouldn't bully someone, and nothing wrong with how I looked except late bloomer and I was smart and I just decided they weren't all that and mean to boot and what did I care about their opinion? And I've been like that ever since. What bothers me is when people act like they like you because of work or whatever and then can't be bothered once you're not in that role or they aren't. I hate that type of deceit and while I believe you have to fake being nice a lot at work, not to that degree that you are deceitful.
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Old 12th October 2018, 5:45 PM   #6
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With both the examples you gave, you would do well to reconsider your expectations of others.

The guys you date shouldn’t have to ‘try hard to win you over’. Instead, good dating is about mutual attraction which comfortably falls into place. Expecting a guy to jump through hoops to win you over simply makes you appear high maintenance.

The favours you ask of people.....What are the favours and do your friends have the time to do it? My hubby can rebuild a slow/virus infected computer, but he’s not gong to want to do it after working the long days he does. I can sew, but I do not want to sew for others. I’m in a number of private FB sewing groups and we regularly have threads supporting each other to say No to requests from friends. And we laugh in horror at the more outrageous requests which come from friends. (Here’s $50, can you make me this beautiful dress?)

Instead of asking favours, pay someone who does it for a job.
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Old 12th October 2018, 6:28 PM   #7
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I think your expectation that men win you over is because you had to "win over" your parents continually -- which you know wasn't healthy, so you shouldn't bring that into relationships. You're mirroring your parents and hoping to make people "win you over." It's not healthy.
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