How to stop feeling responsible for everyone??

[starlight8]

I am so tired of feeling too much for others.

 

I'm seeing a therapist about this and have been working on this for so long...I know it takes time but days like today, I can't cope with this influx of emotions.

 

I feel sadness for people who have wronged me, because I witnessed their horrendous upbringing and it makes my heart ache so much when I think back to what happened to them. I have been welling up and it's affecting my dreams now too.

 

It's so easy for others to say: it's not your problem, other people can take care of themselves etc etc....I KNOW all the rational stuff but something in my system just won't stop 'feeling'. I'm doing all I can to keep it at bay: running, seeing friends, keeping on top of school work, hobbies, trying to eat well....

 

I'm sick of being paralysed by empathy and sadness for others.

Has anyone experienced this and can anyone help me learn how to stop this from interfering with my life so much?

[stillafool]

Maybe you need medication. Has your therapist said anything about that?

[starlight8]

Maybe you need medication. Has your therapist said anything about that?

 

No. I would prefer talking therapies without meds.

What meds could help in this situation anyway? I'm a junior doctor and have never heard of 'anti-empathy-essants'.

I don't feel depressed.

Nor do I feel anxious.

[basil67]

These people from the past who have wronged you.....have you ever asked yourself if they want your pity?

[HiCrunchy]

Have u ever thought about meditation. I think the loving kindness one might help manage these emotions u r feeling

[Beachead]

I am so tired of feeling too much for others.

 

I'm seeing a therapist about this and have been working on this for so long...I know it takes time but days like today, I can't cope with this influx of emotions.

 

I feel sadness for people who have wronged me, because I witnessed their horrendous upbringing and it makes my heart ache so much when I think back to what happened to them. I have been welling up and it's affecting my dreams now too.

 

It's so easy for others to say: it's not your problem, other people can take care of themselves etc etc....I KNOW all the rational stuff but something in my system just won't stop 'feeling'. I'm doing all I can to keep it at bay: running, seeing friends, keeping on top of school work, hobbies, trying to eat well....

 

I'm sick of being paralysed by empathy and sadness for others.

Has anyone experienced this and can anyone help me learn how to stop this from interfering with my life so much?

 

I had a similar problem for a long time in my life..not to the extent that you are feeling but along the same lines. For me personally, focusing on others was a way for me to avoid thinking about myself and my future (Such as my studies and my career and moving away from my family to do the things I needed to do for myself) because I was afraid to do so.

 

I've since corrected the problem but I do find my mind naturally trails back to focusing on others when my time frees up. So for me, I need to not just stay busy, but I need to choose things that help me learn and grow as a person so that my mind will stay focused on striving to accomplish them and those accomplishments can give me confidence and strength.

 

Not saying it's the same for you but perhaps something here may connect.

 

- Beach

[Ronni_W]

It's so easy for others to say: it's not your problem, other people can take care of themselves etc etc....I KNOW all the rational stuff

I used to have a similar, but not exactly the same, problem. With help, I came to realize that what was going on for me was a deep-rooted false sense of responsibility, and obligation and duty, to others.

 

On top of that, is the idea that other people are somehow 'poor, helpless' victims who do not have the power to improve their own lives and circumstances. It is actually disempowering to them,

but it took me a long time to be able to actually see this.

 

It also could be that your sensitivity to the 'vibes' of other people's emotions is caused from what are commonly referred to as 'karmic ties'. If this feels like it might be the case for you,

and you are open to it, then there are spiritual/metaphysical tools that could be helpful. In the 'Spirituality' sub-forum is a thread called 'Cutting Cords'.

 

Sending happy, positive vibes your way. .

[starlight8]

I used to have a similar, but not exactly the same, problem. With help, I came to realize that what was going on for me was a deep-rooted false sense of responsibility, and obligation and duty, to others.

 

On top of that, is the idea that other people are somehow 'poor, helpless' victims who do not have the power to improve their own lives and circumstances. It is actually disempowering to them,

but it took me a long time to be able to actually see this.

 

It also could be that your sensitivity to the 'vibes' of other people's emotions is caused from what are commonly referred to as 'karmic ties'. If this feels like it might be the case for you,

and you are open to it, then there are spiritual/metaphysical tools that could be helpful. In the 'Spirituality' sub-forum is a thread called 'Cutting Cords'.

 

Sending happy, positive vibes your way. .

Wow, this is exactly it.

Everything you just said. Especially the second paragraph, that they are all poor, helpless victims.

 

I pick up on other people's vibes VERY quickly - or maybe I just think I do? If someone feels something, I feel that I feel it too...but then I think maybe I am just projecting, it sounds a bit too hocus-pocus that I can feel others' vibes.

I hate these feelings so much and it's making me hate myself to be this way.

 

What is it and can someone tell me how to be rid of it so I can just be normal? It's really exhausting.

[starlight8]

I had a similar problem for a long time in my life..not to the extent that you are feeling but along the same lines. For me personally, focusing on others was a way for me to avoid thinking about myself and my future (Such as my studies and my career and moving away from my family to do the things I needed to do for myself) because I was afraid to do so.

 

I've since corrected the problem but I do find my mind naturally trails back to focusing on others when my time frees up. So for me, I need to not just stay busy, but I need to choose things that help me learn and grow as a person so that my mind will stay focused on striving to accomplish them and those accomplishments can give me confidence and strength.

 

Not saying it's the same for you but perhaps something here may connect.

 

- Beach

 

This is accurate and it hit a really raw nerve....someone I cared about a lot said this to me and he was the first to point it out. That I focus on others to avoid my own pain. Its made me sad reading this, as he is no longer in my life and I miss him so much but he is not who I thought he was at all.

 

Sorry that's not even on track. I just can't keep up with all the hurt feelings I have in me.

What you said is true for me too. I just can't get used to directing my focus on me. If I do that, there's too much pain and feelings to feel and its so exhausting.

 

I feel so sad right now.

[starlight8]

These people from the past who have wronged you.....have you ever asked yourself if they want your pity?

 

No I haven't asked myself that.

They play on pity and empathy whenever they are hold to account though, so I'm very used to feeling bad for them whenever someone tries to make them take responsibility for anything.

 

Just typing that out made me realise how ridiculous this is. Clearly it's a very nice way for them to avoid responsibility and my feelings are so easily toyed with. I just feel bad and sorry for people so quickly and I can't live with feeling like that for too long so I take on the responsibilities. Sometimes I think it's just to rid myself of feeling bad for them - so its actually a selfish act.

 

I feel really pathetic.

[starlight8]

Have u ever thought about meditation. I think the loving kindness one might help manage these emotions u r feeling

 

 

Is that a specific one - loving kindness one?

I haven't tried meditation really.

I'm very new to all things sort of 'hippie' or 'alternative-y'. Some people I've come across mention things like meditation, yoga and how they are particularly helpful for 'empaths' (if that is even a thing - people have commented on it to me) - but all these sorts of things seem a bit scary. I get scared when I hear them because I always heard lots of mocking and cruel jibes made about sensitive people and 'hippie things' when I was a kid.

[Ronni_W]

Big hugs, starlight8.

 

If someone feels something, I feel that I feel it too...but then I think maybe I am just projecting, it sounds a bit too hocus-pocus that I can feel others' vibes.

No...it's a real thing. (You have already experienced it so often, so why would you want to tell yourself that your experience is just 'hocus-pocus'?) It's not that you are projecting at others,

but that vibes and Energies are being directed/projected at you. How to be free of it - the only way that I know of to do it effectively is what I already suggested to you in my previous post.

 

That I focus on others to avoid my own pain. ... I just can't get used to directing my focus on me. If I do that, there's too much pain and feelings to feel and its so exhausting.

I would offer that it only feels like a 'benefit' to not do the self-introspection that you need to do in order to permanently overcome your own sense of pain, disappointment, betrayal, whatever-it-is specific to your memories of your experiences. It is very challenging work, and can feel really daunting, but with determination and courage, you totally can do it. Of course, if you can find a suitable counselor or therapist, that might make things a lot easier.

 

They play on pity and empathy whenever they are hold to account though, so I'm very used to feeling bad for them whenever someone tries to make them take responsibility for anything. ... I just feel bad and sorry for people so quickly

Perhaps it will help to know that you are not doing them any long-term favours by wanting or trying to prevent them from learning by having to face and deal with their own negative consequences for their own negative attitudes and behaviours? You also are not doing anything constructive for yourself, not in the short- or long-term, because what you have been doing is clearly causing you too much distress and suffering at this point.

 

It's okay for you to change to take on new perspectives and habits that will ensure that you do not take on the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's not on you to do that. .

[starlight8]

Big hugs, starlight8.

 

 

No...it's a real thing. (You have already experienced it so often, so why would you want to tell yourself that your experience is just 'hocus-pocus'?) It's not that you are projecting at others,

but that vibes and Energies are being directed/projected at you. How to be free of it - the only way that I know of to do it effectively is what I already suggested to you in my previous post.

 

 

I would offer that it only feels like a 'benefit' to not do the self-introspection that you need to do in order to permanently overcome your own sense of pain, disappointment, betrayal, whatever-it-is specific to your memories of your experiences. It is very challenging work, and can feel really daunting, but with determination and courage, you totally can do it. Of course, if you can find a suitable counselor or therapist, that might make things a lot easier.

 

 

Perhaps it will help to know that you are not doing them any long-term favours by wanting or trying to prevent them from learning by having to face and deal with their own negative consequences for their own negative attitudes and behaviours? You also are not doing anything constructive for yourself, not in the short- or long-term, because what you have been doing is clearly causing you too much distress and suffering at this point.

 

It's okay for you to change to take on new perspectives and habits that will ensure that you do not take on the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's not on you to do that. .

 

 

Thank you. Reading your response is making me cry. I feel like I've been listened to and heard. I can't think very well right now so i will re-read it again and reply later but...just thank you.

[preraph]

You are very empathetic. That's only a problem when you don't set personal boundaries. It is true there is often a reason someone is a bad person, but that doesn't mean you want to reward it with kindness unless it is five years old. You want to have healthy boundaries and only reward good behavior, so if you have no choice but to be around someone bad, withdraw when they're bad or reject it but if they do one nice thing that doesn't seem contrived, thank them for that. It does them NO favors to enable them and like them unconditionally anyway. Your best shot to help them is by keeping boundaries and not letting them run all over you. Maybe they'll learn by example.

[JJ15818]

You understand your problem but don't do anything to change it. Just relax and concentrate on your own desires.

[Beachead]

This is accurate and it hit a really raw nerve....someone I cared about a lot said this to me and he was the first to point it out. That I focus on others to avoid my own pain. Its made me sad reading this, as he is no longer in my life and I miss him so much but he is not who I thought he was at all.

 

Sorry that's not even on track. I just can't keep up with all the hurt feelings I have in me.

What you said is true for me too. I just can't get used to directing my focus on me. If I do that, there's too much pain and feelings to feel and its so exhausting.

 

I feel so sad right now.

 

Well then, you've already lost the battle right there because you've already given up on yourself. You can..but you're just overwhelmed is all. You got too much noise in your head and most of that noise is coming from other peoples problems/influences/expectations which you have used as a way to avoid thinking about yourself.

 

What you need to do is stop helping others right now. If it sounds selfish, it is. This is self-preservation. You've given everything you possessed to others and have left nothing for yourself. You have no home because you gave your materials away so that others' could build theirs. You have no money because you bought everybody else things. You have no tea to drink because you poured it into everyone elses cup. You have no inner strength or love leftover for yourself because you gave your strength and love to others. Now you are depleted. That was a mistake.

 

Surviving this life is about finding balance between giving love to others and giving to yourself. So now, this is about giving back to you..acknowledgement, understanding, patience, generosity, compassion, kindness etc. You need this more than anyone does right now. Face those demons you are trying to avoid. If you don't want to think about them, then you need to think about them and absolutely need to face them so that you can learn about them and figure out how to beat them. As tough as it is initially..you're going to wind up being better for it but you won't be able to do it alone. You'll need a support system to back you up when it all becomes unbearable. A therapist/lifecoach perhaps. Maybe a family member and a friend. It'll be less than a handful of people but it'll be enough.

 

Don't quit on yourself. Fight.

 

- Beach

Edited October 15, 2018 by Beachead

[starlight8]

Well then, you've already lost the battle right there because you've already given up on yourself. You can..but you're just overwhelmed is all. You got too much noise in your head and most of that noise is coming from other peoples problems/influences/expectations which you have used as a way to avoid thinking about yourself.

 

What you need to do is stop helping others right now. If it sounds selfish, it is. This is self-preservation. You've given everything you possessed to others and have left nothing for yourself. You have no home because you gave your materials away so that others' could build theirs. You have no money because you bought everybody else things. You have no tea to drink because you poured it into everyone elses cup. You have no inner strength or love leftover for yourself because you gave your strength and love to others. Now you are depleted. That was a mistake.

 

Surviving this life is about finding balance between giving love to others and giving to yourself. So now, this is about giving back to you..acknowledgement, understanding, patience, generosity, compassion, kindness etc. You need this more than anyone does right now. Face those demons you are trying to avoid. If you don't want to think about them, then you need to think about them and absolutely need to face them so that you can learn about them and figure out how to beat them. As tough as it is initially..you're going to wind up being better for it but you won't be able to do it alone. You'll need a support system to back you up when it all becomes unbearable. A therapist/lifecoach perhaps. Maybe a family member and a friend. It'll be less than a handful of people but it'll be enough.

 

Don't quit on yourself. Fight.

 

- Beach

 

 

Wow....How did you just read into my very soul like that! Your response has blown my mind. This is so helpful, thank you so much.

I guess without even realising until you just put it all into words, the process already started a few weeks ago. Not by choice, but by being pulled towards it kicking and screaming cus...there was so much emptiness I couldn't do what I did before even when I tried.

 

And I got my first appointment with a specialist therapist last week, have my second appointment in two days.

And this may be really small for others but....I even asked to borrow some money from a friend when I needed it last week (I NEVER dared do this before!) and.........I even recognised when i was depleted and (politely) turned down the people in my life who always come with their problems and issues, as I've simply been too drained. And....I have to say, I was surprised that I could rest easy and wake up with a bit more energy after spending the evening alone, doing what I want to do, being sad if I want to, not being frantic and anxious hearing other people's problems.

 

It's small steps but...I felt pretty happy with this. A few little baby steps I never usually do.

Your message has given me a lot of food for thought, and a nudge to try this road, properly. It's still scary and nerve-wracking but the outcome of my little baby steps is making me feel positive that sometimes, good outcomes CAN happen when you do things differently.

 

It's just weird because this type of thinking and being is so new to me, I feel somewhat bewildered and with no answers at all whereas with other people's problems, I can take them on SO easily and solve them, no problem. I guess its like you said, that's where I was putting all my energy and resources into.

Maybe with enough practice, I can get the hang of this side of the coin too and get a bit more of that balance you describe.

[Beachead]

Wow....How did you just read into my very soul like that! Your response has blown my mind. This is so helpful, thank you so much.

I guess without even realising until you just put it all into words, the process already started a few weeks ago. Not by choice, but by being pulled towards it kicking and screaming cus...there was so much emptiness I couldn't do what I did before even when I tried.

 

And I got my first appointment with a specialist therapist last week, have my second appointment in two days.

And this may be really small for others but....I even asked to borrow some money from a friend when I needed it last week (I NEVER dared do this before!) and.........I even recognised when i was depleted and (politely) turned down the people in my life who always come with their problems and issues, as I've simply been too drained. And....I have to say, I was surprised that I could rest easy and wake up with a bit more energy after spending the evening alone, doing what I want to do, being sad if I want to, not being frantic and anxious hearing other people's problems.

 

It's small steps but...I felt pretty happy with this. A few little baby steps I never usually do.

Your message has given me a lot of food for thought, and a nudge to try this road, properly. It's still scary and nerve-wracking but the outcome of my little baby steps is making me feel positive that sometimes, good outcomes CAN happen when you do things differently.

 

It's just weird because this type of thinking and being is so new to me, I feel somewhat bewildered and with no answers at all whereas with other people's problems, I can take them on SO easily and solve them, no problem. I guess its like you said, that's where I was putting all my energy and resources into.

Maybe with enough practice, I can get the hang of this side of the coin too and get a bit more of that balance you describe.

 

This is fantastic to hear.

 

I know because I was the same way and I know a lot of people who are similar. Everyone like this burns themselves out. It took me 30 years of my life to catch onto what I was doing and to finally get to an emotional place in my life where I had to put others second to myself because if I didn't, I wouldn't be on this earth anymore. It changed a lot of things.

 

Some of the things I did was I stopped going to parties. I didn't even show up to weddings of friends. I disconnected from everyone for a good year, returned to school and focused on my studies. But I did let them know I was dealing with a lot of stuff and that I would be gone for awhile. I hoped that they would understand. Some did...some didn't. So good friends will be there when you come back while all the false ones will disappear on you. But that's okay because it helps you clean up your social life. The progress was tremendous for me. Eventually I was able to smile again and I felt my sense of humour come back. My state of mind became strong and through my self-discoveries I feel I became far more aware of myself which helped me to avoid situations that put me back in a miserable state. School-wise, I improved my job prospects and developed a lot of new skills. So..you win in many aspects when you do this for yourself. It takes time but here is tremendous benefit.

 

Imagine what those baby steps will amount to in 1 year if you stay disciplined and work on yourself? You're going to look back at this time and be blown away at your progress. So I am very happy to hear you've already started and are already feeling the results. That self-discovery is going to change your life.

 

Only thing I warn you of is to be careful, you're used to neglecting yourself and putting others first so the minute you begin to feel better again, you may unknowingly slip back into old habits and want to give again. Stay self aware so that you can catch yourself if it happens and put yourself back on track. Make this year all about you.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. Not sure if you've learned this in therapy yet but writing in a journal will help tremendously. If you want some tips, I'll be happy to share.

Edited October 16, 2018 by Beachead

[starlight8]

This is fantastic to hear.

 

I know because I was the same way and I know a lot of people who are similar. Everyone like this burns themselves out. It took me 30 years of my life to catch onto what I was doing and to finally get to an emotional place in my life where I had to put others second to myself because if I didn't, I wouldn't be on this earth anymore. It changed a lot of things.

 

Some of the things I did was I stopped going to parties. I didn't even show up to weddings of friends. I disconnected from everyone for a good year, returned to school and focused on my studies. But I did let them know I was dealing with a lot of stuff and that I would be gone for awhile. I hoped that they would understand. Some did...some didn't. So good friends will be there when you come back while all the false ones will disappear on you. But that's okay because it helps you clean up your social life. The progress was tremendous for me. Eventually I was able to smile again and I felt my sense of humour come back. My state of mind became strong and through my self-discoveries I feel I became far more aware of myself which helped me to avoid situations that put me back in a miserable state. School-wise, I improved my job prospects and developed a lot of new skills. So..you win in many aspects when you do this for yourself. It takes time but here is tremendous benefit.

 

Imagine what those baby steps will amount to in 1 year if you stay disciplined and work on yourself? You're going to look back at this time and be blown away at your progress. So I am very happy to hear you've already started and are already feeling the results. That self-discovery is going to change your life.

 

Only thing I warn you of is to be careful, you're used to neglecting yourself and putting others first so the minute you begin to feel better again, you may unknowingly slip back into old habits and want to give again. Stay self aware so that you can catch yourself if it happens and put yourself back on track. Make this year all about you.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. Not sure if you've learned this in therapy yet but writing in a journal will help tremendously. If you want some tips, I'll be happy to share.

 

 

I'm glad to hear you managed to get there in the end, because this really is very difficult indeed! I'll be 30 in about 8 months myself, maybe this is how long it takes for this stuff to barge their way out onto the surface haha.

 

Your words are really helpful, I can't express how much I appreciate them ad find them beneficial.

I've been sticking to it and did a couple more little baby steps...started paying more attention to my decision making process and listening to what I actually want and need vs motivation to do things based on things other than that. And listening to myself really has helped! I can really see why you cut yourself off for a while - I've been finding this most helpful as I am far too susceptible to other people's vibes. Today's baby step involved my commute to work: i wanted to walk the hour-long walk it takes to get there, and a colleague asked if i wanted to walk together and I really didn't want to have an hour's worth of chit-chat, especially as I know she's going through a rough time at the minute. Being around that for an hour prior to starting work would have drained me, I knew it, what I really wanted was to enjoy solitude, fresh air, and nature all by myself.

 

So I said no. And walked by myself. And turned up at work energetic

 

I will definitely keep trying to stay disciplined.

And journalling absolutely helps, I agree! I've been doing it for a few months, it's one of my favourite ways to feel like me again

[Beachead]

I'm glad to hear you managed to get there in the end, because this really is very difficult indeed! I'll be 30 in about 8 months myself, maybe this is how long it takes for this stuff to barge their way out onto the surface haha.

 

Your words are really helpful, I can't express how much I appreciate them ad find them beneficial.

I've been sticking to it and did a couple more little baby steps...started paying more attention to my decision making process and listening to what I actually want and need vs motivation to do things based on things other than that. And listening to myself really has helped! I can really see why you cut yourself off for a while - I've been finding this most helpful as I am far too susceptible to other people's vibes. Today's baby step involved my commute to work: i wanted to walk the hour-long walk it takes to get there, and a colleague asked if i wanted to walk together and I really didn't want to have an hour's worth of chit-chat, especially as I know she's going through a rough time at the minute. Being around that for an hour prior to starting work would have drained me, I knew it, what I really wanted was to enjoy solitude, fresh air, and nature all by myself.

 

So I said no. And walked by myself. And turned up at work energetic

 

I will definitely keep trying to stay disciplined.

And journalling absolutely helps, I agree! I've been doing it for a few months, it's one of my favourite ways to feel like me again

 

It's those seemingly harmless things that drain us...especially when we're depleted. Good on you for spotting it and giving yourself space. That shows you know yourself...big plus. And not just that, you're open-minded and willing to work on yourself and from what I know about life, its qualities like that that allow people to change themselves for the better. All you need is to keep doing what you're doing and I have no doubt you're going to achieve what you want.

 

- Beach

Edited October 17, 2018 by Beachead

[starlight8]

It's those seemingly harmless things that drain us...especially when we're depleted. Good on you for spotting it and giving yourself space. That shows you know yourself...big plus. And not just that, you're open-minded and willing to work on yourself and from what I know about life, its qualities like that that allow people to change themselves for the better. All you need is to keep doing what you're doing and I have no doubt you're going to achieve what you want.

 

- Beach

 

I've just woke up from a horrible night's sleep and I don't know what else to do so I thought I'd post on here.

I understand there'll be bumps in the road, and it's not going to be straightforward but this feels so scary.

It's like my brain is going through cognitive dissonance with all the active efforts not to do what I always do, not to jump in and save people, reminding myself that I am NOT a saviour, people are NOT helpless beings all the time.

My dreams were so real, and I felt shame in thinking I had a voice, a right to be there, a right to be recognised and even have a place on this planet. I felt shame and embarrassment and felt obliged to minimise myself and remember that other people are more important, and I've woken up with these feelings still intact.

 

It's almost like my brain wants to remind me 'who are you kidding, you're not as worthwhile as everybody else!'.

 

I have an appointment with my new therapist at 12, I guess its good timing. But I can barely think or function right now, I'm going to have to force myself to get up and wash and get ready.

 

I'm sorry, I feel like I wanted to respond to your message differently but now I can barely read the words.

[Beachead]

I've just woke up from a horrible night's sleep and I don't know what else to do so I thought I'd post on here.

I understand there'll be bumps in the road, and it's not going to be straightforward but this feels so scary.

It's like my brain is going through cognitive dissonance with all the active efforts not to do what I always do, not to jump in and save people, reminding myself that I am NOT a saviour, people are NOT helpless beings all the time.

My dreams were so real, and I felt shame in thinking I had a voice, a right to be there, a right to be recognised and even have a place on this planet. I felt shame and embarrassment and felt obliged to minimise myself and remember that other people are more important, and I've woken up with these feelings still intact.

 

It's almost like my brain wants to remind me 'who are you kidding, you're not as worthwhile as everybody else!'.

 

I have an appointment with my new therapist at 12, I guess its good timing. But I can barely think or function right now, I'm going to have to force myself to get up and wash and get ready.

 

I'm sorry, I feel like I wanted to respond to your message differently but now I can barely read the words.

 

It's normal. Don't worry.

 

I was actually in my early 20's when I felt I might be putting too much emphasis on others but I didn't come to terms with it until I was around 26 and even though I came to terms with it and tried to change, I would slip back into old habits. I'd have to catch myself 100 times over and put conscious effort into doing things differently . Took 4 years or so of consistent practice and a few more terrible situations to get to my current state. That's probably 6-7 years of work. People want immediate results but change takes time and consistent effort.

 

This is behaviour you've practiced that you've likely practiced all your life. Our brains make small adjustments chemically to help us do the things we do regularly more easily and without thinking. We've programmed it. For you, neglecting yourself and putting others first is like an automatic reflex..and now your telling your mind to do something else. It is completely uncomfortable at the moment. It's going to naturally try and pull you back to what its comfortable familiar with.

 

So you're going make mistakes and catch yourself and be okay again for awhile and then make some mistakes and catch yourself again and be okay for awhile etc. until one day this will become who you are.

 

What I can say for you is you're aware of the problem now and you're consciously working on it so you're going to be fine.

[Redhead14]

I am so tired of feeling too much for others.

 

I'm seeing a therapist about this and have been working on this for so long...I know it takes time but days like today, I can't cope with this influx of emotions.

 

I feel sadness for people who have wronged me, because I witnessed their horrendous upbringing and it makes my heart ache so much when I think back to what happened to them. I have been welling up and it's affecting my dreams now too.

 

It's so easy for others to say: it's not your problem, other people can take care of themselves etc etc....I KNOW all the rational stuff but something in my system just won't stop 'feeling'. I'm doing all I can to keep it at bay: running, seeing friends, keeping on top of school work, hobbies, trying to eat well....

 

I'm sick of being paralysed by empathy and sadness for others.

Has anyone experienced this and can anyone help me learn how to stop this from interfering with my life so much?

 

 

In most cases, people who empathize with the plight of others so strongly, have themselves suffered significant trauma, wrong, hurt. Is that the case with you? While the ability to empathize with others is a good thing, when a person who themselves have been "wronged" but takes others difficulties to heart, it's because they are dissociating from their own hurt and pain. You need to start being able to empathize with yourself some too.

[starlight8]

In most cases, people who empathize with the plight of others so strongly, have themselves suffered significant trauma, wrong, hurt. Is that the case with you? While the ability to empathize with others is a good thing, when a person who themselves have been "wronged" but takes others difficulties to heart, it's because they are dissociating from their own hurt and pain. You need to start being able to empathize with yourself some too.

 

Yes it is unfortunately the case with me too, I had significant trauma during my childhood.

I used to think I was just very talented at helping others and empathising and coming to the realisations you stated was so uncomfortable at first. This ain't no talent. It's a defence, avoidant tactic to push aside my own stuff, like you said.

 

I want to feel more compassion for myself, but its so difficult...I haven't been taking on other people's stuff for a few weeks now and all the spare time this has freed up has got me realising just how much pain there is, when I take away all the distractions. Beneath them all, there really was this raw pain brewing, angrily, waiting to be taken notice of. But dissociating was so much better....this feels bleak, empty, painful, and the world seems so desolete. I'm scared if I carry on allowing this, I'll go crazy.

How can I feel empathy for myself? If I heard my story through anyone else, I definitely would. But when I think of my pain, my reactions, my story, I feel pathetic and shame.

And today I had a huge setback. I felt so desperate after my bad dreams, I rang my sister, who had always been a huge recepient of my empathy and energy over the years until about a year ago when I couldn't do it anymore. She reacted furiously back then towards my change in behaviour and seems to still be holding this resentment at the loss of all that help she was used to.

I hadn't contacted her for a while, as our relationship is so destructive, but I lost all rational thought this morning.

 

She ended up saying bizarre things like 'this is one-sided that you want me to listen when you never want to' and insisting that I'm selfish because I don't want to listen to my crazy family's stuff (the same family that inflicted all the childhood trauma, which she is WELL aware of). I got so mad I gave her a detailed analysis of all the dates, people, events involved in all the problems of hers that I'd listened to for hours on end, and asked her if she would like a printed report and analysis and tally chart of whose problems got listened to on what dates. Then she reverted to saying 'i didn't say its one-sided' (THOSE WERE HER EXACT WORDS PRIOR TO MY REPLY?!???) - this to me reminds me of the definition of gaslighting.

I am NOT mad, I am NOT insane, my ears work perfectly fine, she had SAID THE EXACT WORDS 'this is one-sided'.

 

And now I'm angry at myself for reverting to an old habit and turning to the wrong person which effectively made the situation worse.

[starlight8]

It's normal. Don't worry.

 

I was actually in my early 20's when I felt I might be putting too much emphasis on others but I didn't come to terms with it until I was around 26 and even though I came to terms with it and tried to change, I would slip back into old habits. I'd have to catch myself 100 times over and put conscious effort into doing things differently . Took 4 years or so of consistent practice and a few more terrible situations to get to my current state. That's probably 6-7 years of work. People want immediate results but change takes time and consistent effort.

 

This is behaviour you've practiced that you've likely practiced all your life. Our brains make small adjustments chemically to help us do the things we do regularly more easily and without thinking. We've programmed it. For you, neglecting yourself and putting others first is like an automatic reflex..and now your telling your mind to do something else. It is completely uncomfortable at the moment. It's going to naturally try and pull you back to what its comfortable familiar with.

 

So you're going make mistakes and catch yourself and be okay again for awhile and then make some mistakes and catch yourself again and be okay for awhile etc. until one day this will become who you are.

 

What I can say for you is you're aware of the problem now and you're consciously working on it so you're going to be fine.

 

Thank you, this is reassuring and comforting it's an important reminder that it's okay to have setbacks, this doesn't mean it's the end. I gotta learn to accept the bumps and setbacks, these are my biggest achille's heel right now. I feel I've failed completely and been way too good on myself when they happen, and these bad things happening feel like a reminder 'get back to your place'.

But you're right, it's just my brain going to what it is familiar with.

 

Ufffff....I hope I do get there in the end! I might not be emotionally strong right now but one thing I am is damn stubborn, I will NOT give up and accept the same old, unworkable thing.