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Don't Know What I Want Anymore


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Old 10th September 2018, 11:30 AM   #1
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Don't Know What I Want Anymore

I quite frankly don't know what I want anymore.

I've got everything I always wanted, and yet Im still not happy.

I cannot find a niche, something that I enjoy, something that makes sense or gives my life meaning, I've got nothing to aim for. I think some people might look and say I was depressed. But I am not. I am quite happy. I really have no interest in the boring, the mundane, the everyday, the posessions, the material etc. I feel like I want to lead a simple life.

I have a girlfriend that I've had for a few years. She's wonderful. She's quite posessive and needy. She doesn't like some of my friends and pouts if I choose to spend an evening with them rather than her. She spends a lot of money. What I mean by this is that she spends way more money than me and I feel like I need to catch up. But she earns much less than me. But she's always pushing me to go on vacation or to go to various conventions which involves spending lots of money. Half my money is spend on her wants. Half my money is spent on my needs like car maintenance and fixing my broken computers.

If I say the wrong thing to her, like how her breath smells, or why she doesn't clean her room, she cries and sulks. I then have to make it better. So I've been conditioned that whenever there's a problem, I just shut up and try and tolerate it and help her through whatever problem she has to get to the other side. I can't even clean her room for her because she sulks over that because she thinks she's just no good. So Im really trying with her. By drip feeding her issues to work on.

She's constantly snappy and angry. I have to be careful what music to put on, what jokes to tell.

She tries to tell me what I should and shouldn't buy. I know I've spent a lot. But I at least have tried to invest in hobbies that I feel I might be able to make money on long term. Trouble is she then never supports me in my hobbies and wants us to do things when we're together. But then says it's my fault that I can't keep on top of my projects. Her demands on my time have meant I don't look after myself as much I should. I have gained weight, my wardrobe has diminished, and my personal hygiene is questionnable.

I never had any debt when I met her, but I have now. Apparently I'm the one with the problem. I'd say she's the catalyst.

Despite all this, she has a lot of positives. She really is trying and she's making an effort to better herself. She has loads of potential and she is really attentive and loving and thankfully isn't too interested in sex.

This leads me on to the thought however that Im really not sure Im interested in being with anybody. I find it all kind of boring. I quite like the companionship, as long as Im still in charge of my own time. I can take it or leave it. I quite like having someone to spur me on, to challenge me, to guide me. But I don't want someone constraining me.

Im disinterested in sleeping with people. Disinterested in sex. I don't see the point quite frankly. I find Im not really aroused anymore. I really have to concentrate or I just lose interest.

I've started getting questions of my gender identity and could easily see myself as a woman. My parents are insane. I get the whole aspect of "their house, their rules" but when it comes to dictating what you can and cannot cook and when and how Im not allowed to do my own washing, somethings a little screwy somewhere.

I've got loads of posessions which haven't helped.

I just feel like I want to get rid of it all and go live in some remote country, living a hermitic existing, living off the land with people few and far between.

I've tried loads of hobbies over the year, they've lasted for a period, but, nada. Nothing has come to fruition. I just don't really have any ambition or desire. Things are OK short term as a quick shot of excitement in the arm. But otherwise. Meh. Who cares.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

Most of my thoughts are based on 50/50. I could leave her, but will I find someone else? I should count my blessings right? I have to have faith she will become who she said she'll be. But if I stay with her, she might not do. Am I just staying with her as it's the status quo? That to be with her is better than being alone? Or do I genuinely love her?
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Old 10th September 2018, 11:58 AM   #2
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OK... sounds like we need to compartmentalize, take each piece and fix it.

Sell the possessions you no longer like or are excited about, apply that money to your credit card debt. Set a budget every month, so you can work your way out of debt. Set a smaller fixed amount for "Travel & Entertainment", when its gone, you are done "entertaining" for the month, no excuses. There is no reason to go into debt for entertainment. It is not entertaining seeing that credit card bill every month and the interest charge associated with said debt.

As for the girlfriend, you are not having sex, and she doesn't sound like an enjoyable companion, so dump her. After you get your life back on line, you'll find someone better. I don't understand the "cleaning her room" thing, do you live together or are you in a rooming house?? Room mates?? Sharing a large apartment?? Can you clarify?? Is there a lease in place??

Clean yourself up, yes personal hygiene is a must and do a load of laundry. A shower and clean clothes makes a world of difference when you are down.

If you are looking for a hobby that is rewarding, think about purchasing a fixer-upper home. In addition to learning some home improvement skills, you'll have your own private place to live and be adding equity to an asset. There is a huge sense of accomplishment when you finish a project and will make you feel like a million bucks!!

Just my two cents...
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Old 10th September 2018, 4:45 PM   #3
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I started questioning your objectivity after you described your GF as “wonderful” and then proceeded to paint her as a needy, greedy, controlling witch.

My friend, you’re dealing with a cocktail of issues. Your time is better spent in counseling than on a public forum...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 10th September 2018, 5:26 PM   #4
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Interesting you should say that Mr Lucky. I am. I have been several times. It's never really worked. My issues have never tipped anything over the edge, everythings been borderline and hardly worth dealing with. It would appear that I have a good self esteem, ego, self worth, minimal depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately what therapists cannot do, is tell me what to do with my life though they can help me figure out why I cannot end things with her. There's a few other things that cascades into this scenario which I cannot go into, however part of it probably is it's better being with her than being alone.

Putting that aside however, I think the questions do come down to, how do I figure out what I want in life? Life just feels like a certain limbo at the moment. I can't make up my mind, because quite frankly I don't know what I want. I don't think there's anything I do want. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face (in other words, I don't want to dump her and then find out I regret it). But I don't know what to aim for.

I've tried it all. Im quite frankly bored of it all. And if I do think of anything, I don't know how to get from A to B.

Happy Lemming - we don't live together yet. I spend the night every few days. I absolutely agree on the entertaining stuff. It means while Im with her, i got to to be firm on the entertaining budget. I don't know if I want anyone, never mind anybody else yet.
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Old 12th September 2018, 12:27 AM   #5
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Unfortunately what therapists cannot do, is tell me what to do with my life
Of course they're not going to tell you what to do. Hopefully, they can help you see where you want to go.

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There's a few other things that cascades into this scenario which I cannot go into, however part of it probably is it's better being with her than being alone.
Then start appreciating her more...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 13th September 2018, 9:51 AM   #6
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It's hard to appreciate her. There's so many things she does wrong, like being slobby, lazy, snappy etc. Don't get me wrong, she's not abusive, but the things that comes to mind is staying in an abusive relationship - you're not condoning the abuse, but you know that they're more than that, and better than that, and a bit more love and they'll turn things around.
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Old 13th September 2018, 10:02 AM   #7
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Putting that aside however, I think the questions do come down to, how do I figure out what I want in life?
You start by getting rid of what you know you don't want.



A big problem is just a collection of small problems. You need to tackle them one by one. Your GF is a weight on your shoulders you should get rid of. She's the one keeping you from becoming who you're meant to be. Once she's gone you will see clearer and you'll know what is problem #2. Maybe it's having your own place, maybe it's fixing your finances, maybe it's exploring your identity. One thing for sure, the GF needs to go.
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Old 17th September 2018, 4:19 AM   #8
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This is so incredibly hard for me. I love her, but Im not in love with her. I guess that the spark isn’t there. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy, and she has the capability of being the most amazing person ever. Every around me is negative and say I deserve some kind of medal. My family are the kind of people who never look for the good in people and just cut them off on a whim. I never want to be like that. That’s not me. My family want to cut me off if I have anything further to do with her. I try to see the best in people and encourage people. I try to be secure in myself letting other people be themselves. But this is slowly killing me.

If you’ll indulge me further.

If I say things that she doesn’t think appropriate for the occasion, she gives me dirty looks. It could be something as simple as admiring someones television. If we’re out with a group of friends and a woman sits opposite me, she’ll think I am attracted to the other woman and questions me. If they’re in my field of view, I have to turn me head otherwise she’ll accuse me of looking at other women. An married elderly woman gave me a hug the other day, and my girlfriend asked if there was something going on between us!

She asks if the reason I watch videos on the TV or the internet is because I like the women in them. She also asks why I complain about seeing naked men on TV but not naked women. I tell her it’s because I'm not gay. But No, I watched the video because I thought it was funny or interesting.

There’s been occasions where I’m sat opposite her with my back to the room, and she sees a woman she thinks looks strange and wants me to look at. But I don’t like starting, so I won’t. She then gets upset that I'm disrespecting her.

I know that this lack of trust all comes from her own lack of self esteem and ego, but with me as sensitive as I am, I try my best to manage the situation and manage her feelings. I had hoped a bit of patience and a bit of love would have worked. But it hasn’t. I stop becoming my usual happy carefree self, being careful of what I say, careful of what I do, she’s even turned me into a liar just to manage her feelings. Im forever walking on eggshells afraid to make her upset, afraid to make her angry.

In the bedroom, I don’t initiate anything for her because I frankly have no desire. She also doesn’t initiate anything either so I guess the feeling is mutual. But she wants me to make an effort so that she feels wanted. I guess she doesn’t think that I might feel wanted too?

She does have a problem with her own body image, but she’s her worst enemy. She simply won’t take care of herself. Maybe because she doesn’t think she’s worth it. Her breath smells, when I once asked if she had brushed her teeth, she got upset. Her hygiene is questionnable, she’s slobby, lazy, doesn’t shave her legs, got hair growing out of all sorts of places and she sits next to me with her bum and lower bits showing because her skirt rides up. How can someone be that blind?

Since I’ve been with her, I’ve put on loads of weight and had problems with excessive spending. It’s my own fault for allowing it, trying to soothe her battered ego in an attempt to help her find her self worth instead of just saying no.

She’s always on her phone, usually Facebook or playing games. She even sits through Church services playing games. I try to not let her actions affect me. But this is really annoying me. She’s often late for work because she gets up late then sits on Facebook. Even in the care we never talk because her attention is on her phone. She doesn’t even like the music I play and she gets upset and listens to her own music. She’s like a moody teenager.
She criticises my friends and my spending time with them. She once agreed to entertain a couple of them during a holiday, but after two hours she wanted them gone. If she sees me struggling, she doesn’t automatically help me. If I ask her for help, she’ll give me dirty looks. I could see her struggling yesterday and I told her what she needed to do, I think it was just as simple as “you just need to do XYZ”. It caused an argument because she wants to figure everything out by herself, she doesn’t want any help. I told her that this isn’t normal, but she managed to turn it around on me making me feel like a big old ogre.

She criticises my driving and doesn’t approve of where I shop or my wasting money.

I prefer quality, she prefers quantity. She’ll think nothing of spending #30 on a takeaway but complains when I spend #0.20 extra on a sandwich. She focuses on the small amounts and ignores everything else she spent (or has got me to spend). Then she complains that I spend too much. She tries telling me what I can and cannot buy, once telling me that I cannot buy a branded medication and had to go generic.

She bought a cake for us to share, then highlighted the single bottle of beer I bought telling me that I need to cut down alcohol if I want to lose weight. Hello! Takeaway and Cake? Why don’t I say something? Why am I afraid of losing her despite being indifferent to her?

I certainly don’t drink every day, but if I go out one day and have a few beers, and have one bottle of beer the next day, she practically accuses me of being an alcohol and me thinking there’s nothing wrong is how alcoholism starts. All she’s doing is projecting her issues onto me. She’s the one who’s had to give up alcohol but can’t let me be me.

I have certain hobbies which Im trying to use as a way of making money. But she clings onto my time so much that I feel Im stagnating and not achieving anything. She says she supports me, but it’s in words only, not practice.

We don’t live together, so I have to justify why I want time away from her. Despite telling her, she doesn’t understand that I’ve got loads of things to do like fixing the car, working on my hobbies, cleaning, cooking, washing, even getting a change of clothes.

It’s my fault for not sticking up for myself. But sometimes, it’s easier to give in rather than facing her sulking and challenging. I will say for example, I need to have a shower and do some cleaning. But her response is that no, I should stay the night and I could do that when she’s at work. She can have a shower when she wants. As far as she’s concerned, I should want to spend as much time with her as possible and having a shower is just an excuse so I should have one when it doesn’t inconvenience her.

Im sure her clinginess is because she thinks I’ll cheat on her if she gives me the opportunity.

She can be a really loving, sweet, attentive, generous person. She will make me feel like the best thing in the world. The next day she makes me feel awful for trying to help.

I know I should end it, but I know if I do, it will destroy her. I want to see the best in people. I look for people to tell me I have it wrong. To tell me that there’s another way of handling it. To tell me that maybe what I need to do to ignore the guilt and just get on and do what I want and see if the relationship fizzles out or whether it grows stronger. I could still be secure in myself and achieve my own things without giving in to her bad moods. Perhaps I should give her an ultimatum, give her three months. Perhaps I should just end it straight away?

One of the other issues, is that my life isn't quite straight forward. I have a car. And that's about it. I know what I want to do, but it isn't as simple as achieiving it. There's a few hoops that I need to jump through and the door may be shut at the other end.

I know 1) Ditch Girlfriend, 2) Fix Finances, 3) Fix Weight, 4) Hope that the door is open

Im not really bothered by anything. I don't want money. Don't want posessions. Just want food, water, shelter. A simple life. Done. I hate the trappings of life. Trouble is if that door isn't open, I might need to live life and have a certain number of those trappings just to survive in the "real world".

Last edited by Tailor2000; 17th September 2018 at 4:26 AM..
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Old 17th September 2018, 12:34 PM   #9
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One of the other issues, is that my life isn't quite straight forward. I have a car. And that's about it. I know what I want to do, but it isn't as simple as achieiving it. There's a few hoops that I need to jump through and the door may be shut at the other end.

I know 1) Ditch Girlfriend, 2) Fix Finances, 3) Fix Weight, 4) Hope that the door is open

Im not really bothered by anything. I don't want money. Don't want posessions. Just want food, water, shelter. A simple life. Done. I hate the trappings of life. Trouble is if that door isn't open, I might need to live life and have a certain number of those trappings just to survive in the "real world".
Is that "door" a spiritual or practical one?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 18th September 2018, 12:24 PM   #10
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Is that "door" a spiritual or practical one?

Mr. Lucky

Its a vocational door. So let's call it a spiritual door. I've wanted to enter that door for twenty years. But it's not just as simple as wanting to go through the door. It has to be calling. It has to be what God wants. There are things I need to satisfy within the Church. It's extremely difficult. Probably impossible. But that's not because of what's happening to me. It's due to external factors, like the Church itself. Several obstacles in my path.

The vocational door looks like a slim possibility. Which means I need to forge another path. Quite frankly, living the home life, with a wife, kids, mortgage, work, possessions, vacations and stuff means very little to me. That's not where I find my happiness. Why work to gather more junk? And when you work, you have to work to be able to afford to work. You need transport, food, clothes, communications, computers. Trappings

There has to be a better, simpler way.

While I'm not married, I have a girlfriend though. I'm trying to accept that as a valid path for me. People like to tell me that that's what God has given me. So why am I not happy with that?

My faith has a lot to answer for. I have tried to believe that until God shows me otherwise, that this is where he wants me. At least that's what my spiritual director thinks. I think he knows nothing and that God wants us to make up our own mind and trust in him. But when it appears the spiritual door is closed, maybe I'm wrong and he's right.

On top of that I need some kind of guide who can show me the way or the steps to take. I can't figure this out by myself.
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