Being the subject of unrequited love

[Silverpoop]

It’s harder than it sounds tbh. When I was 14-15 I sat next to this girl in school. When I went to sixth form she started trying to get with me, so I put distance between us because I didn’t like her. I thought she’d leave me alone, but she didn’t stop liking me. It went on for 2 years, she tried in vain to stop liking me but couldn’t manage it. I once noticed her staring at me with tears in her eyes, and just looked away because I didn’t want to engage with it. After sixth form she got really pissed and rang me up at 3 in the morning and told me she loved me. I was not nice in rejecting her. I told her I didn’t owe her a ****ing thing.

The whole thing really ****ed my mental health really. I felt like such a piece of **** I couldn’t allow girls to like me. I’m 20 now I’ve never had a relationship because I can’t allow girls to like me. A girl once asked me to buy her a drink in a club and I told her not to flatter herself. I constructed such a strange mental place where I was so evil for allowing girls to like me, knowing that I’d only ever be able to hurt them because I’m such a piece of ****.

Ive spent the last year trying to escape that place and I think I’ve made a lot of progress.

[d0nnivain]

Teenagers rarely handle anything well. Try to cut yourself a break. While the cursing wasn't nice, she surprised you by calling at 3 a.m. & making this "announcement". You weren't unaware of her feelings & you were doing your best to avoid having things come to a head forcing you to reject her. This is exactly why I always tell people not to make these announcements; most times the object of your crush knows you like them but they don't' want to hurt you. Yes, the intensity of your rejection was a lot & it could have been handled more graciously but you were just a teen.

 

Going forward remember that you can only control yourself but kindness & empathy are important.

 

If you find yourself in this situation again, thank the person for their interests & say no thank you. Don't be mean. Do be direct.

 

If you aren't already in therapy, look into it. For that childhood event to now prevent you from so much as buying a drink for someone shows that you have deep seated scars. You need help overcoming things

 

 

Best wishes.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Why do you think girls like you? Have they shared any of that with you?

[Mr. Lucky]

I’d say you have a handle on the symptoms but not the illness. That’s an awful lot of impact to assign to a fairly innocuous teenage interaction.

 

Are you sure there’s not something else going on? Talked to anyone about it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Silverpoop]

It’s probably also because of some other issues. My mums got quite bad mental illnesses, so we were raised to feel horribly guilty when we upset her. I’ve always had nightmares about killing people I love, for example.

I can be quite sure when a girl likes me, I’m very confident in that way tbh.

[d0nnivain]

It’s probably also because of some other issues. My mums got quite bad mental illnesses, so we were raised to feel horribly guilty when we upset her. I’ve always had nightmares about killing people I love, for example. .

 

Therapy will do you a world of good.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're having this problem. There are a few people on this board I hope read your post who won't let go of people who don't want them.

 

Of course, you don't owe her anything. She's lucky you didn't get a restraining order on her. I know a guy who was so good looking he had these type of problems. He handled it differently, probably because his home situation with parents was better. He was super careful to get away but try not to hurt someone. It was really beyond his control though, but I admired him for the effort. One night he asked me to help him get this woman in a bar off him physically. Rock stars also often have this problem, but at least most of them are on their way out of town!

 

Your mother's illness growing up has made you have complex feelings about all this. It's also given you an extra good radar to know that this type of behavior of this girl isn't healthy mentally. You recognize trouble when you see it, in other words.

 

I think what's going to help you most besides understanding everything about your mom's illness and how it affected you is just you need to be the one to pursue a woman. You may just have to end up with someone you got to know through work or through friends so you know they're not mentally unbalanced and can let your guard down.

 

This is probably a poor analogy, but a profiler once wrote a tip for women to help avoid getting into trouble. He advised if they had a car break down and needed help not to have anything to do with men who randomly stopped. Yes, some are saints, but some are predators. He said that by the woman picking out and asking someone for help (another woman) this increased her safety by about 80 percent. So I'm saying you do the picking.

 

Obsessed people, as I'm sure you know, can be genuinely dangerous. It's not quite as scary with women, but some of them do have guns. Stalkers are one of the highest categories for becoming potentially violent among those with no criminal history of violence.

 

I think you've probably learned to already be firm and say no, going by your story. But it's important to be firm and say no and cut off communication as early as possible, because with obsessed people, the longer they are delusional about the situation and pursuing you, the more invested they become. They imagine they have a relationship and they've put a lot of effort into it. So be brutal early on and don't feel bad about it. Good luck.

[CrazyKatLady]

I wouldn't stress to much about it, she'll get over it. I did. Turned out the dude treated me like my step dad had when I was growing up, he was the first guy to treat me as crappy as my dad did and I remember not even liking him, then suddenly I was in pain over him. I just dealt with it because I knew it wasn't a logical feeling. He's married to some broad now and makes beer and I could care less. What I thought was him all those years was actually just his douche bag behavior reminding me of my step dad growing up. Trust me, nobody is that special, she will move on as long as you aren't jacking with her on purpose, even then, life goes on. I know it's hard on you, but let it go and her and you'll all float on ok...?