//+ I feel worn out

[Beachead]

Sorry guys, just needed to let loose.

 

Anyone feel like they've been through so much bad in their life that they feel worn out and it's not going away?

 

I worked my butt off to get to where I am. Battled illness as a kid which really threw me off course. Ended up making a lot of mistakes while struggling to find my way. But through struggles, I learned how to cope and become positive. I finished my undergrad at a late age because of it but it was a proud moment in my life.

 

Last year I got laid off from two jobs. Had to go through a surgery and right around that time, a relationship I was in, ended. That girl went back to her ex and went onto marry him. All in one year And this is 1/10 of what's happened in my life. One step forward, ten steps back.

 

I've always had to be positive to get through it. Always look for the silver lining. Remained hopeful. Keep going. If a relationship ends. I cry it out and recover. If I fail an exam. I do better on the next. If I have any setback, I deal with it. I love my family and I take care of them as best as I can and I know what I have and I'm appreciative for it. I'm 31, I'm single and not for lack of trying. Everywhere I go, I keep seeing people in relationships, people getting engaged, getting married. It's like a 24/7 non-stop advertisement Meanwhile I was in 3 relationships..all of which ended.

 

So much sh*t has transpired despite so much effort and energy to remain positive for so long. When I went through some of the toughest moments in my life, my parents were the only ones there. Thank god for that. I thought I left bad friends behind but seems I only met more. I know people are busy with their lives but when they're not even around for the tough times, does it even make a difference if they weren't around at all? For that reason amongst the others, I've seemed to have lost the part of me that cared. I don't support much or check up on them anymore. If they get angry, I don't really feel anything. It's like I only have energy for myself now. And despite this desire in me to want companionship and intimacy, I've lost energy for that as well. Don't feel having someone get to know me again and only to be scrutinized for my flaws and weaknesses. I know there's an anger inside me from settling over and over again for results I didn't want..despite effort.

 

Is there anyone who can relate or any older folk felt this way when they were my age? Anyone have an idea if I'm going through something? How did you deal with it?

 

- Beach

Edited June 13, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

I think you're worn down and are in a depression now. It's taking all your energy just to exist right now. You have none left over. I'm sure part of you wants to just go to bed and stay there.

 

First I want you to do one thing. People aren't mind readers. You're a strong person who keeps getting back in the saddle, and that's why your friends and family probably think you don't need help or need them. You're very likely stronger than a lot of them. But you need to tell them you are down and could use some support,whatever that means to you, some nights out, some job references, someone to help find you a new place to live, someone to just come sit and spend some time and cook you a meal. But unless you tell them, they will not know because even weak, you may be stronger than some of them. That was my situation for a good while. Everyone depending on me in my depressed state to take care of elderly relatives' affairs, etc. when my normally very decisive to a fault self had trouble deciding whether to leave the house and go get a burger.

 

The other thing you should do that helped me is exercise. I did water aerobics,which is refreshing and easy, and I boxed with milk cartons and got some anger out that way and would leave the body tension behind when I came home. Because it's hard on your body.

 

The other thing that helped me is I volunteered once a week doing something I wanted to do, behavior research at the zoo with ocelots. It was peaceful and I was mostly alone. It gave me something un-negative to talk to my friends about, those who hung in there with me. Because I only had bad things to report. It was one good thing, interesting thing.

 

And my dog was my guardian angel. We saved each other. I had a house, so I was able to have her. i'd gotten her only a couple months before all the problems. She was my motivation to hang on and keep trying. And she was my daily joy, my only joy for a very long time.

 

One of these days, things will be better. You are only 31. It's a bad phase of your life. If you keep getting up and you keep trying, things will turn for the better eventually. But you have to keep trying. But in the meantime, ask people to help and support you. I hope you're feeling better physically and have gone back to work. I ended up doing some self-employment and also pursued low-paying part-time jobs to offset taxes and to learn new skills. I sat model homes, and a bank trained me to work on ATMS. I worked a season at a property tax place. I do part-time jobs with two things in mind: tax offset from the self-employment AND to learn a new skill. I've rode motorcycles for a living and caretook a ranch. I like to diversity. So just keep trying. If one road is closed, take two other roads that you're unsure about. You never know when one will lead to something you hadn't even thought of.

 

Keep us updated. And I hope you start feeling better soon and the weight of the world comes off your shoulders.

[Beachead]

Hi Preraph,

 

Thank you for responding. I truly appreciate it.

 

I do believe I'm depressed. I'm suicidal too. Not easy for me to admit that but it's the truth.

 

It started in 2015 after a devastating breakup. It was the first time those thoughts came. Again, it wasn't particularily because of the relationship ending..I'm stronger than that. It was an accumulation of emotional wear and tear. The reasons were similar to now but thoughts were far lighter. I worked through it after finding some good support. Got my life together. Graduated school. Landed a full-time. Life was good. Then I met my recent ex and it became even better. I thought finally..I'm catching a break. I can breathe. Then everything crashed and burned very quickly. As I mentioned, I got laid off, her and I broke up, surgery etc.

 

I pulled myself together and went for a job interview shortly after my surgery. I got the job. I was proud. It was a win. But again, it was short lived because while working, I started to discover I was lacking certain skills to do well in that position. Boss started to giving me a hard time on my performance. At the same time, I started to feel the after effects of that relationship ending. Not a single person checked up on me while i was recovering from my surgery and that was just added affirmation that I was on my own. It all came like a wave. Anger, sadness, tiredness.

 

I'd come home and talk to nobody and just lie in my bed and watch motivating videos on youtube, desperately trying find a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. It got worse and worse. Unlike the first time, this was far more stronger and potent. What stopped me was the thought of my mom and my niece. That was it. Nobody else. It was a dark moment in my life. I told my mom that I was broken and that I didn't want to live anymore. She's been fighting for me.

 

And after talking to a relationship coach I got back up. Returned to school. Have been upgrading my skills and working on my long-term goals. But I'm not the same. It's almost like I'm just floating through the days. I have a desire to live and do well and I want to see how far I can fly but those dark thoughts follow me. There used to be a time I never thought about it. I used to be a guy who'd go to the gym 5 days a week. I played soccer with my friends twice a week. I used to swim. Many people at my gym knew me because I was a regular. Used to ask me for fitness advice. I have a strong passion for music as well. I've been teaching piano for 8 years. Was very active overall. But something in me just changed.

 

It's not just the relationships. It's not just my own health that I have to worry about. I have two aging, sick parents. The family was hit with separation and divorce as well. Financial problems that affected us all. The whole works. But the world needs me to smile. Bosses, Coworkers need me to shut up, pretend and deliver. Partners need me to be positive and strong. Friends need me to support. And I give it 150% but I crumble and fall sometimes only to get judged and pissed on.

 

Not sure how long I can keep it up..playing this role.

 

Anyway thank you again. For listening.

 

You have some great ideas. I haven't tried everything I could do yet. I need to put 100% back into the gym as you've advised and I'm going to work on joining some activities that are to my interest and see what happens. I still got more to do.

 

- Beach

Edited June 15, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

Beach, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. Just know you are not alone, my friend. Not that hearing that is comforting, but we can help each other find the motivation to continue to push. I would like to share my own journey to show you are not alone:

 

To put it bluntly, my life has been a **** show. I've lost and lost a lot. And every time I lose, a small part of me dies. When I was a just a teen, my first dog got hit by a car in front of me, my best friend died, and I passed up a visit to see my grandpa who I loved dearly to play a video game and he died that night. I eventually recovered from all of these things, but a small piece of me was broken. I moved onto college where the possibilities were endless and the scenery was fresh. It was the best time of my life...until I realize how alone I was in a constant room of people. Just miserable. I was going to parties, drinking, and doing everything to keep my mind off the crippling pressure of school and the fact that I was wasting my mom and dad's hard earn money. I was miserable deep down. All my friends/roommates were scoring girls left and right and my anxiety prevented me from being able to get with anyone. I had a couple flings but all my friends/roommates were in relationships and sleeping around. I felt like nothing was going right.

 

It all crashed down on me one night when I got so drunk that I burned ties with my closest friends. I said and did awful things that were unforgivable and had to face the music of not only being in an awful situation with my studies but losing great friends. I moved home and wallowed in self pity for a long time. Everything was over. No friends, no school, job prospects, I was nothing. I got a part time job and began to feel some joy again before it ultimately ended due to the boss being the meanest person I've ever encountered in my life. I felt stuck again.

 

Eventually, a decent job opportunity opened up for me in a new city. I finally felt happy again. I was free of my parents and going forward again in life. But like a new piece of gum, the joy/flavor wore off fast. I felt stuck again. This job has shown to have no future for me and I don't enjoy it. Then I met the "love of my life". She was the first person outside of my family to show me that she loves me for who I am. You saw the thread. It was the happiest I ever felt. She told me she didn't care where I worked, she didn't care about money, she just wanted me to stay the way I am. I finally felt peace. The years of depression/anxiety/and endless pressure were over. Then she ripped my heart into a million places and I feel stuck again. I feel dead inside. I guess I was using her as an escape from other problems and as my lone source of happiness but it felt so good. I've always been the nicest person in a room. I'm smiling, i'm laughing, i'm polite, and I'm uplifting if you're down. It's the biggest act in the world. Waking up in the morning is hard for me. I feel like I have no purpose, nothing to be excited about, and all my mind does is reflect on the awful, depressing moments of the past and who and what I have lost.

 

How we got to where we are may be different, but I feel what you are feeling, Beach. The bags under my eyes are growing and I can't find the energy to enjoy anything.

 

I truly like to think things will turnaround for people like us. I know that holding onto hope or faith can feel like a lost cause, but this can't be it for us. It's all I have when I go to bed. I stare out my window at the night sky and think that has to be something for me. Something fulling that'll make me happy. We are good people. Life has tested us more than most and left us feeling awful, but I think back to my good times. When things were good, my past issues felt almost non-existent. I don't know when that day is coming for us, but one day we will have something so great that we'll be so glad we were able to hang on when things felt impossible.

 

Be strong, my friend. You've been extremely strong so far and have given so many people here life changing advice because you are an awesome person. Your day is coming. It feels like it's so far away or not possible but great people like you do find the ultimate happiness.

[BaileyB]

I've been there.

 

There were a few years around my mother's death where I thought I would never be happy again. I watched my mother get sick and die, my dad was lost in his grief and I was losing my relationship with him, I was sad and alone and desperately lonely... Then, I got sick and had to have surgery. It just went on and on and on...

 

But, things got better. Slowly. I started to find joy in life again. I must say, I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I never would have thought that possible, at the time it felt like my life was over. I could not have imagined then some of the things that would into my life following those dark, depressing days.

 

That experience taught me a valuable lesson. Despite what you may think, you just never know what is around the corner for you. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes in ways that you just can begin to predict or plan. Never give up.

 

One of my favorite quotes is from the movie the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It says, "Everything will be alright in the end. And, if it's not alright, then it's not the end."

 

I'm sorry you are feeling tired and sad. Be kind to yourself.

[Romantic_Antics]

I could tell you stories that would spin your top like a dreidel. Only my amazing girlfriend and future wife is privy to all of them and I'm dead serious when I tell you I could be here all night telling them so just know that you're not alone when it comes to facing adversity, but that a person's true character is revealed by their ability to overcome it.

 

Hit me up with a PM if you're looking for a boost.

Edited June 15, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[JP92]

Hey Beach, I hope you are feeling a little better.

 

Hope you are able to find some weekend activities to enjoy.

 

Thinking about you, my friend.

[Soak]

I've always said, part of life and 'success' is not trying to control other people, but walking away when circumstances don't suit you.

 

In other words, do not stay in that job that you hate, or with that person who is not right for you. Instead of trying to make it fit your life, just walk away to greener pastures. I wish i had have known this in my twenties and thirties.

 

Summary: walk away from things that do not suit you. Have the wisdom to know when to walk away. Just keep moving and don't stop until you've found something / somethings that you love. Even then, don't stop, just improve on it.

 

Best of luck my friend. Remember to walk away from situations that do not suit you. The world won't end and nobody will really remember in the future.

[Beachead]

I've always said, part of life and 'success' is not trying to control other people, but walking away when circumstances don't suit you.

 

In other words, do not stay in that job that you hate, or with that person who is not right for you. Instead of trying to make it fit your life, just walk away to greener pastures. I wish i had have known this in my twenties and thirties.

 

Summary: walk away from things that do not suit you. Have the wisdom to know when to walk away. Just keep moving and don't stop until you've found something / somethings that you love. Even then, don't stop, just improve on it.

 

Best of luck my friend. Remember to walk away from situations that do not suit you. The world won't end and nobody will really remember in the future.

 

Thank you Soak for your response. I have learned to walk away. If it's any consolation to you, I suffered immensely for a long time before learning this valuable lesson. It simplifies things.

[Beachead]

Hey Beach, I hope you are feeling a little better.

 

Hope you are able to find some weekend activities to enjoy.

 

Thinking about you, my friend.

 

Thank you for sharing your story friend. I have been turning my attention to my studies and have been going out often as of late to try and curb these feelings. It appears that both you and me have stared out that night window, wondering if there was anything for us out there.

 

Companionship, friendship, love and loyalty for a human being is what light is to a plant. We can live our life with very little of it around, but it will certainly affect our overall development in so many ways. Without it at all, we won't last. There has been a definite lack of it in my life for a long time and not for the lack of trying. As I can see, it is wearing me away.

 

- Beach