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Appearance related question for men


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mortensorchid

I was thinking about some things lately as to why I have had such bad luck with men. I happened to overhear a friend of my mom's (and this was many years ago) say I never make myself attractive. I'm a tomboy, not a girlie girl, always was. I'm fully in touch with my masculine side. I barely wear make up anymore, only for job interviews. While on the job I don't wear it, I figure what's the point?

 

I dress conservatively - While on the job I dress in long pants and long sleeves, skirts to the ankle. In my down time I also dress conservatively with jeans, sweaters and turtlenecks in the winter; T shirts and shorts in the summer. My guy friend told me in order to attract men I have to wear a push up bra and show cleavage, or wear a mini skirt. Things like that. I can admit something to others with this, at least in this forum. I tried that. I've tried looking at least a little racier than normal. Nothing's really changed. Maybe that's because I never meet any guys to be in front of when I am dressed differently to measure their reactions.

 

Another told me I need to smile more. I am stone faced, never smile unless it's the funniest joke on earth. Why? That's just how I am. Someone said I have a constant scowl on my face, think Victoria Beckham how she never cracks a smile in public when being photographed sort of thing. It doesn't mean I am unhappy it just means I am not a smiling person. I see cute girls all over the place who have cute smiles who know how cute they are and get the things they want from others with it. I don't want to use people, not like they do. In general I keep a very mysterious nature with others, in the shadows, allowing others to shine and leave a conversation happy and satisfied while revealing little to nothing about myself to others.

 

There may be a variety of issues at work with this post, to be sure, but how much does appearance make a difference to men for the level of attraction? The situation would be few and far between to test it - put a girl who is wearing make up and showing skin next to one that isn't and see what happens - or am I just being paranoid?

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I think this is less an issue of whether or not men think you're attractive, but rather, approachable. A woman who wears makeup and revealing clothing is signaling for attention; one who smiles and laughs a lot appears more friendly. By and large, those are the factors that men zero in on for an approach, because I think a lot of men want to avoid rejection or being shot down. It's not that a woman who is fully covered up, bare-faced, and scowling isn't attractive, it's that she does not seem like someone who's easily approachable.

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You don’t have to show skin or wear makeup to look attractive. Sometimes too much makeup or too revealing clothing can be a turn off. In my last gym, the hottest girl was usually covered head to toe. Full sleeve top and gym pants but everything was fitted and she had a great body.

 

I think smiling is really important. Just like you, I wasn’t much of a smiler but over the last few weeks, I’ve been forcing myself to smile and have open body language. At first it felt really odd but after just 2 weeks, I’ve become a lot more comfortable doing it. It’s been interesting to notice how more people have been looking at me. Many returned smiles back and I feel like I’m more likeable.

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Wow, pretty much all of this easily explains why you don't get hit on. Smiling is crucial to looking approachable. Actually, it's crucial to being considered a nice person in general. Revealing little about yourself would also turn people off. Generally speaking, being open and engaged is how to make good conversation.

 

The only part I disagree with is push up bras and miniskirts. I don't think you need to dress like you're looking for sex, but if you want to be approached, you do need to dress in a manner which is standardly attractive to men. The way you describe your style, you will have about as much luck as the man who's very in touch with his feminine side: Not much success at all. About the only men who may look past you being masculine are those who are very alternative. Or into gender bending kink.

 

All that said, you've described how you act in a social situation. But how do you act with a date who you meet online and who hasn't seen how you are in a social situation? Do you dress attractively? Smile when you engage? Are you open about yourself? You need to do all of this if you're to find success.

 

The only thing I want to add is that you don't have to be attractive ALL the time. If you want to have a chill evening at home watching videos, dress for comfort.

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I keep a very mysterious nature with others, in the shadows, allowing others to shine and leave a conversation happy and satisfied while revealing little to nothing about myself to others.

 

I seriously doubt that it's clothing or makeup. It's more likely approachability and openness. Eye contact, body language, smiling, being more interactive with people and showing a willingness to reveal yourself even in the most subtle ways will get you more male attention.

 

I think the stuff about push-up bras and mini skirts is just plain wrong... but it also depends on the kind of attention you're trying to attract. If you just want to be objectified and hit on, showing cleavage and leg may accomplish that.

 

I think men want to see some warmth and lightness. We don't want to have to crack a hard shell, we enjoy unwrapping a soft package that shows promise of something warm and sweet inside. We approach when it feels safe, and we look for the signal. Nonverbal communication is very subtle.

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I am pretty boyish. And I've been told a few times that Id attract more attention if only Id change this or that. But I dont want to attract someone who only wants me if I dress/groom in a way that doesnt feel right and natural to me. And I think if I start wearing make up and heels and short skirts, then Im gonna get lost in a sea of other women who do that. I have a pretty unique style. And I get enough attention.

 

I actually think the boyishness is a big draw, but sometimes I wonder if the guys who dig it sometimes feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that they like it. ?

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Another told me I need to smile more. I am stone faced, never smile unless it's the funniest joke on earth. Why? That's just how I am. Someone said I have a constant scowl on my face, think Victoria Beckham how she never cracks a smile in public when being photographed sort of thing.

 

What a lot of guys really like to see in terms of appearance is confidence. Showing cleavage and skin isn't going to help if you feel out of place doing so. You may need to play around with your fashion choices to find something that will make you look and feel confident. Your sense of style is unique, and a form of self expression.

 

Sure, you may feel comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt, but a lot of guys find it less attractive. But that is no different to most women preferring the look of a man in a fashionable shirt and designer trousers rather than an old shirt and shorts. Trying to change your style can seem intimidating at first, but it actually gets fun after a while! (Except when it breaks the bank!)

 

In general I keep a very mysterious nature with others, in the shadows, allowing others to shine and leave a conversation happy and satisfied while revealing little to nothing about myself to others.

 

This, again, doesn't exude confidence. You need to give people a chance to get to know you - if you're not revealing anything about yourself, no-one else will learn anything about you. You should also be active in asking others about themselves - that's another way of making your presence known, and keeping in the conversation may help with the "resting b**** face".

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T
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Posters are spot on with the approachability factor.

 

To simplify it, would you be more apt to pet a dog that is smiling (yes they do smile) and wagging his tail or one that was showing his teeth with the upper whites of his eyes showing?

 

Even if you were to sex it up with cleavage and mini skirts you would still come off as unapproachable with a scowling face.

 

How do you wear your hair? Is it long? If you want to attract more men it should be. Dressing like a boy with short hair is going to deter most men. Couple that with an angry scowl and you will limit your choices significantly.

 

I’ve got an angry scowl most of the time as I want people to leave me alone. However, when an attractive woman is around I completely change which helps me seem more charming and less like a serial killer.

 

There is nothing wrong with being who you are, but if you want to attract the opposite sex you may have to change a few things.

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Another told me I need to smile more. I am stone faced, never smile unless it's the funniest joke on earth. Why? That's just how I am. Someone said I have a constant scowl on my face, think Victoria Beckham how she never cracks a smile in public when being photographed sort of thing. It doesn't mean I am unhappy it just means I am not a smiling person. I see cute girls all over the place who have cute smiles who know how cute they are and get the things they want from others with it. I don't want to use people, not like they do. In general I keep a very mysterious nature with others, in the shadows, allowing others to shine and leave a conversation happy and satisfied while revealing little to nothing about myself to others.

It's really bizarre that you think women who smile are "using people". :confused: If you look like you're constantly annoyed and don't want to reveal anything about yourself, why would anyone even want to talk to you, let alone date you? Relationships require human connection, warmth, and some degree of vulnerability - this goes for both genders.

 

Aside from that, I doubt dress is an issue here. I don't show cleavage or wear miniskirts in public, either. While I'm sure the girls who do get hit on more than I do, the sort of men who would do so are unlikely to be the kind of men who would make good long-term partners IMO. I did get less "attention" per se, but the men who were attracted to me were the ones whom I actually wanted to be in relationships with, so that worked out pretty well for me.

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thefooloftheyear

Most guys don't really look too close at women that wear hoodies, pajamas in public(what the hell?), or just look shoddy or unkempt...I even see plenty of women that wear flip flops and have dirty feet...Gross..

.

 

You don't need to necessarily dress provocatively, but I agree with Basil...Most guys like a certain "look"....Flattering clothes...Smell nice..Nice shoes and accessories/jewelry...Makeup done well..etc..Highlight your ASSets without looking too over the top...etc..

 

If you have a certain look that isn't in that "standard" that's fine, and I encourage you to be yourself, just be aware that now you have limited your pool to a smaller group of guys......

 

TFY

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Michelle ma Belle

Nothing is worse than trying to be something you're not.

 

If you're more tomboy than girlie girl than so be it. There is a lid for every pot after all.

 

Parading oneself in revealing clothing as if that's the ONLY means to attract men is beyond stupid and narrow minded. Besides, you get what you pay for.

 

I agree with those who said it's more about approachability than anything else. You need to come across a bit warmer and more inviting to men. That doesn't mean you have to wear a painted smile all hours of the day but it does mean you might have to be more aware of the vibe you give off when in the presence of the opposite sex; a warm smile, eye contact and body language go a long way.

 

Start with that and see how it goes.

 

Good luck.

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Being easily approachable is indeed the heart of the issue ... and unlike you, I believe that's a thing that you can change. Unless you are deeply unhappy in your life or are having a terrible day, its not much of an effort to give a quick smile to a dude you like, based on his looks and being quick with a joke.

 

I used to be very cold, and distant but I worked on it, its been quite an effort for then uptight me, but it worked. Granted, it was mostly during my teen, young adult years that were miserable.

 

Tomboy, who cares? some guys like it, it shouldn't matter.

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Last example of immediate attraction was on my porch and I couldn't say with any accuracy whether she was smiling or not. What are the chances that the first doorknock in the middle of nowhere would turn out like that? It was cold out and she was bundled up so all I took in was aura and eyes, kinda like right out of a David Lean movie.

 

Anyway, not unusual for me. All the glam/bubbly stuff isn't my cuppa and every woman I've been involved with or interested in has varied widely. At some point or another I'm sure they smiled. It was more of how I felt when with them that kept the fires alive. YMMV

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Michelle ma Belle
men are visually oriented so appearance makes a huge difference in attraction.

 

Of course men are visual creatures. That's not a news flash!

 

BUT I would be willing to bet that it would be a lot easier to upgrade her approachability with a few tiny tweaks while still feeling like herself rather than overhaul her entire wardrobe and feel like she's completely out of her element.

 

It all starts with baby steps.

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Never try to change who your are because if you do find somebody you can't keep up the front forever. You are what you are and people can take if of leave it.

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95% of the time I'm dressed like a tomboy, in jeans or shorts and a T-shirt and I get loads of (unwanted) male attention...I put it down to my oversized chest!! Try a padded bra.

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Michelle ma Belle

One of my best girlfriends has a very masculine energy and very much a tomboy.

 

Although she is not categorically unattractive, she's not exactly a head turner either.

 

That being said, she has never had any problems getting men. They might not be MY type of men but attracting them never seems to be a problem for her.

 

Why not? Because when it counts, she knows how to turn on the charm, check her scowl at the door and carry herself well in the company of men that seems to draw them in.

 

It's not always about looks alone but attitude too.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
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I missed the bit where you think that girls who smile do so because they want things. You couldn't be more wrong! They smile because they are happy, friendly and approachable.

 

If they get nice things, it's simply a benefit of being pleasant company. When I give things, they only ever go to people who are happy and friendly. Why? Because I don't have friends who aren't happy and friendly. They aren't using me - rather, I am choosing them because of who they are.

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One of my best girlfriends has a very masculine energy and very much a tomboy.

 

Although she is not categorically unattractive, she's not exactly a head turner either.

 

That being said, she has never had any problems getting men. They might not be MY type of men but attracting them never seems to be a problem for her.

 

Why not? Because when it counts, she knows how to turn on the charm, check her scowl at the door and carry herself well in the company of men that seems to draw them in.

 

It's not always about looks alone but attitude too.

 

Attitude is everything! -- Diane von Furstenberg

 

At least once you pass a minimum threshold of attractiveness it is.

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Just so you're aware, all uses of the word 'bitch' are prohibited on LoveShack.org, now going on three years. I'll leave the existing alone but moderator ~T is the language moderator so he might feel differently. 'Angry', 'scowling' or similar is perfectly descriptive of certain appearances. Reach into that box of words. Thanks!

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First, I don't think that women need to wear a push up bra or whatever to attract a man. Yes, boobs are attention getting but if that's not the kind of attention you're after then just do you.

 

Here is the rub:

 

This is a very reasonable thread about attracting people. The way you dress or the way you come at the world could probably be tweaked to make you more approachable or alluring without throwing yourself under any busses. But the fact that you include this about other women in your thread:

 

I see cute girls all over the place who have cute smiles who know how cute they are and get the things they want from others with it. I don't want to use people, not like they do.

 

This speaks about you and I feel that this negative and judgmental attitude is a big part of what stands in your way with men.

 

Try to look for the good in the world and other people a little more maybe you will scowl less, which might result in meeting more men, who might in turn become interested in you when they get to know you, due to your positive attitude shift.

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