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Work & Relationship = Life Struggles


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Old 3rd January 2018, 2:54 PM   #1
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Work & Relationship = Life Struggles

I have been hit hard, twice. I have lost all that was once good in my life.

I have also been posting a bit trying to flush out my feelings, and my posts seem to fall flat leaving me even more anxious for answers. I would truly appreciate some feedback, whether it be telling me I messed up.. or did the right thing..maybe I am crazy.. anything

Issue 1: I started a new career, and have been buried in work since I started in September. Life balance was alright between September - Beginning of November. Mid November, I was hit with news from my boss, that there were concerns about making it through my probationary contract (meaning my license to practice & my future could be in jeopardy.) We seem to have a personality conflict. This immediatly took my confidence, and I struggled to go to work everyday, under evaluation, and constantly just feeling anxious. To top this, I have been a victim of bullying in the workplace by my superiors. I would cry often, and worried so much for my future as I went to school for many years to be where I find myself today. As I am in a contract, I cannot leave until July. Last year, I was in a part time position in another area, and was quite successful where the workload was still heavy, but manageable.

The Impact: Since November, my relationship took a hit due to my job work load. My stress and 'depression' took a huge hit to my relationship. I don't think my partner at the time knew how to support me. I knew I needed all the time I could get in order to put in extra hours for work, to improve my practice to show my boss I was willing to do whatever it took to be better in her eyes. This meant, more time apart from my partner, and he grew resentful. He was not able to understand why I wanted this career if it took such a toll on me. He on the other hand, worked a job that was very lax, and from home. Every night after I finished 12 hour days, I was taking baths, and activities to help manage my anxiety. I wanted to avoid the drama or arguments with my boyfriend at the time. Over the Winter Holidays, I was finally on two weeks vacation, and caught up on sleep, and my anxiety slowly disappeared but I found myself just wanting to stay home and play video games, or paint -- to catch up on things that i hadn't done in months.

Issue 2: All of this -- my job, the stress, and lack of wanting to do social things outside of my house with my partner lead to him breaking up with me. I understand why. I made him second priority in my life, but the alternative option was to give up 6 years of university, my health, and my future to spend time with him when I was anxious/stressed/depressed/ over worked. I had a hard time doing that when his suggestions were to give up and quit because of my health and the toll the job had on me. Why could he not understand what I was going through? Was I the selfish one? Was he the selfish one? Now I am single and hurting, and begin work again next week and unfortunately I am now in this all alone. I so badly wanted to be successful in my career, as well as in my relationship. I think of the future and now worry about my job. If i don't pass my probationary, I then feel like I gave up my relationship.. when I should have given up my career..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:09 PM   #2
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No, never give up your career. It's your livelihood and your sense of purpose. if you have to give up a partner, it maybe wasn't meant to be, and you will find love again.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:20 PM   #3
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No, never give up your career. It's your livelihood and your sense of purpose. if you have to give up a partner, it maybe wasn't meant to be, and you will find love again.
There's is a caveat to this advice... Normally, I would agree, but just wondering...

Maintain balance. You say that this is something you are doing now, but when does it end? At what point do you decide that a career is so much more important than your partner, husband, children, etc. People, marriages break-up b/c of over-ambitious partners.

Could you not have found a job that was less stressful or would it have mattered? Is the nature of your education/field guarantee so much stress?

Did you talk to your friend about where the light at the end of the tunnel was to come? In July? What after?

Yes, it could be that it just wasn't meant to be, but he left for pretty good reasons, right? You neglected him and you admit that.

Balance, my friend, do what you have to do, but find balance. THIS job needs to be completed and then find something less stressful, perhaps?
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Last edited by simpleNfit; 3rd January 2018 at 9:24 PM..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:10 PM   #4
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you were in a tough spot OP. not sure what you could have done. Keeping a job is very important. Your partner was not understanding and decided to leave because he/she felt they were not in a good relationship.

Maybe in a few months, when things stabilize with your work, you could reach out to the ex-partner and ask to talk it out if you liked them a lot.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:58 AM   #5
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You were in a tough spot, and I don't know that I would have handled things any better/differently.

If your partner could not understand that and support you when you needed the support, then this individual probably wasn't the best long term partner for you. Life is full of challenges. You want someone who is going to love and support you, in good times and in bad.

I hope things get better for you soon. When you can, I think you would be wise to begin looking for a better job. That kind of hostile workplace is not healthy for you long term... Best wishes.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:22 AM   #6
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It's not about either of you being selfish. Instead, it's about you each having different needs. For you, career is everything. Even if it means significant personal sacrifice. For him, a good life involves having a relationship where work/life balance in order.

Chasing your career at any cost is OK if it's important to you. Likewise, it's OK if he wants a partner who's priorities are different to this.

I imagine you would do better with a man who has the same resolves as you do. Though I do worry for your mental health if you continue as you are.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:51 AM   #7
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I am a first year teacher, and from what I hear the first years are difficult. As I mentioned, I was in a part time/ temporary position at a different school last year and it was a much healthier work environment. Contracts make things difficult to move around, and so does certification and the evaluation process. Secondly, you can't choose which school you work at within your first years, so I need to pay my dues as they say, until I have the freedom to interview at schools I want to work at. However, I do know that if things continue to be this hard on my mental health, I have no choice but to leave.

It just saddens me that my partner was unable to see the impact this job had on me. When we talked, he failed to see how my work stress was leading me to weight loss, anxiety, and the need to work extra hours to stay on top of things for my performance evaluations. He dropped my concerns and began to speak about his loneliness that was leading to frustration and even depression on some days. It was always a "YA but this is happening to me...."

I agree that it might be in my best interest to find someone who better aligns with me. I think the fact that my ex worked a full time salary job from home (he worked 4 hours a day and had the rest of the day free), versus my 10-12 hour days was a hard balance.

Last edited by blocker; 4th January 2018 at 1:53 AM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:16 AM   #8
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It just saddens me that my partner was unable to see the impact this job had on me. When we talked, he failed to see how my work stress was leading me to weight loss, anxiety, and the need to work extra hours to stay on top of things for my performance evaluations. He dropped my concerns and began to speak about his loneliness that was leading to frustration and even depression on some days. It was always a "YA but this is happening to me...."
I'm sure he did see what was happening to you. How could he not be aware of the toll of long hours, stress, anxiety? It would have had a huge impact on your home environment. Unfortunately, what affects you also affects him....and as painful as it is for both of you, he must ultimately make a decision about what is best for himself.

I also have to throw out applause for you doing teaching. All those who talk about long lazy holidays for teachers have no idea of the long hours during the terms.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:04 AM   #9
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I'm sure he did see what was happening to you. How could he not be aware of the toll of long hours, stress, anxiety? It would have had a huge impact on your home environment. Unfortunately, what affects you also affects him....and as painful as it is for both of you, he must ultimately make a decision about what is best for himself.

I also have to throw out applause for you doing teaching. All those who talk about long lazy holidays for teachers have no idea of the long hours during the terms.
Yes! Love the dedication good teachers put into their work!
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:12 AM   #10
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You went to school for 6 years. Do you have a favorite teacher or mentor? Call that person & ask for work guidance.

As a teacher are you a member of a union? Call a union rep & ask for help achieving the goals set for you. Also reach out to senior members of the faculty & ask for their guidance.

Do things that improve your self confidence but do understand that everyone struggles in a new position.

As a teacher you also know how to break down info into learnable manageable bits. How would you teach somebody to do your job? Set about following that plan.
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:24 AM   #11
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Bullying at work is never a good thing. As for being a teacher, guess what. You can be a teacher ANYWHERE. Teachers are in serious demand. Your degree, will lead you to different places, without a hostile work environment. Think of it this way...How good do you think you are impacting the lives of those you are instructing when you are frazzled and depressed? Not very well i could guess.
Now, as for a relationship, looking through HIS eyes...You are not a safe bet. Sorry, it has to be said. You are willing to give up emotional bonding with your "partner" for self abuse and an unrealistic workload. He sees this imbalance in your life and looks toward the future....He realistically has a roommate, not a life partner. He fought with you because he felt he deserved better. While your needs were not being met supportively by him...Which you brought on yourself in an annihilating fashion. If it were me...I wouldn't give you the time of day either.

So where to start...
1. Start looking at other places of employment. Satisfaction is job number 1. If you don't have it...You don't want to work there. A safe reliable well rounded environment is available, you just have to look.

2. Start a hobby or physical exercise regimen. You need a diversion from your work self. Spend time with family and friends and reconnect with yourself through them. Find out what actually makes you happy and build upon that.
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:54 AM   #12
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lt is very hard to work and balance no doubt about that. It can be just as hard as a male because you need to do what you need to do but that takes time away from her and kids and the guilt alone can be a killer.

But l must admit , l find it pretty weak of him that he couldn't ride just a few months of the rough stuff out and supported you while you got through your trial period.
l'm kinda hopin with some time apart he'll realize what a baby he was being and wanna fix this.

Good luck with everything.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:47 PM   #13
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I'm sure he did see what was happening to you. How could he not be aware of the toll of long hours, stress, anxiety? It would have had a huge impact on your home environment.

I didn't live with him. I still live at home as I have major debt and just began consistent income in September. He didn't like coming over (which would have been easier for me given the amount of hours left in the day, how exhausted/ stressed I was from close to 12 hours of work). For me, I always thought that if he came over, we could have for 2 hours, he could leave, allowing me to go to bed. As i mentioned, he worked from home, and worked basically 4 hours a day, waking up whenever he wanted. In my eyes, with his flexibility late nights/ stress never impacted him. Seemed to be a simple solution to me, however, I understand the living at home piece of it.

Living together might have saved us. But then again, he only wanted me to move into his apartment (after asking his room mate to leave), and he wouldn't start fresh with me in another rented apartment that we chose together. He simply didn't want to move. Other option would be me living with a random, or on my own, which never would have worked out considering I was in debt. I also never would have made it out of this rut without being around supportive people at home.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:52 PM   #14
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Bullying at work is never a good thing. As for being a teacher, guess what. You can be a teacher ANYWHERE. Teachers are in serious demand. Your degree, will lead you to different places, without a hostile work environment.
This is also only one school in my city. I have had other experiences where this environment isn't the case. The problem is i am trying to get certified. If i quit my school board, I will walk away with a degree but no teacher license...

My ex also use to talk about how I can be a teacher anywhere. But at the same time, quitting, and moving because of 3 bad months didn't seem like the right choice. I feel like I need to give it another go, and see how my evaluation comes out in February.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:56 PM   #15
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Sticking it out is the right thing to do. Get the license, then worry about finding a better fit.

Seriously do talk to the more senior teachers to get tips & tricks.
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