Where am I going wrong

[shellybing]

I have noticed a trend in the men I choose.

 

I was married for around 10 years, together for 12.

 

I started dating a little while after my divorce.

 

I have always been upfront and honest about my intentions.

 

"I want to be in a long term relationship." "I am just testing out the waters." "I am not ready to get married again, I am just seeing where things go."

 

It sometimes even gets to a point where I am brutally honest - like for example, once I said "Hey, I am who I am, and if you can't handle that, or don't like something, there is the door."

 

I am not a cheater, I have never cheated on anyone.

 

I do not lie, sneak around, or do anything to compromise my relationships while I am in them. I try my best to be good to my partner.

 

My first relationship was minor. It was basically about sex, and he knew that as well as I did. I cared for him as a friend, but we both knew there was not going to be anything more than that. He ended up staying in my apartment, letting himself in whenever, and staying for long periods of time, until he almost lived there. Then, he quit his job and expected me to take care of everything.

This was my first relationship after my divorce, and it lasted about 2 months.

 

My second relationship was about a year later, and lasted about 8 months.

The situation was similar. We started dating, just to see where things went. It was exclusive. Eventually, after complaining about his job so much I said in support "Hey, if you don't like your job, why don't you look for another job and plan to quit." So the next day, he quits his job, and expects to live with me. At some point, I told him I needed help with the bills and he gambeled the money away. So, I decided I just can't do this. I am not going to support this guy.

 

- I am a 50/50 kind of person, I think we both need to contribute half, and then if someone loses their job later that can be worked out if things are serious. Losing your job, should not mean losing your partner, but on the same token, we were only 3 months in and I barely knew the guy.

 

So, he starts staying at my apartment and doesn't leave. I eventually had to force him out of my apartment due to this; and it got minorly violent. Nobody was hurt, but the police were called anyway.

 

My next relationship, same thing. This time it lasted 2 years. We were engaged, and I was supposed to get married to him. He gets the same jealous tendencies (the other 2 were also jealous), moves in, does not contribute, cheats (the other two did as well), lies, and then expects for me to take care of everything.

 

It has ended 3 times with me forcing someone out of my home, and I feel like I am doing something wrong here or missing something.

 

I am not sure where I am going wrong here? Do I just look like an easy target for *******s to take advantage of?

 

If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I would love to explore this so that I can make better relationships with people. I have been single for almost a year now, and I am afraid to start dating, or even make new friends in fear of someone deciding they can squat in my apartment and not leave while exhausting my resources, whilst it is unwarranted.

 

Just to be clear, if I were serious with someone, who normally contributed, did not cheat, and had a legitimate and honest relationship with me, I would have no problem hold it down for both of us. People lose jobs. But these men, want to cause me a bunch of heart ache, lie, cheat, and take advantage, while expecting me to support them. I just dont get where I go wrong. :/

 

-Thanks

[elaine567]

It has ended 3 times with me forcing someone out of my home, and I feel like I am doing something wrong here or missing something.

 

Why do you allow them into your home in the first place?

Do they not have apartments of their own?

I guess you are a magnet for guys who essentially want mothered.

[CptInsano]

I have a friend who is very friendly, giving, and who owns a home that is essentially too large for her. She also ended up with a series of men who just wanted to live somewhere. Their lives had taken a wrong turn and they were more or less looking for some stability.

 

The key was that she wanted a relationship badly, moved too fast, and simply did not turn away men with clear warning signs.

[shellybing]

Why do you allow them into your home in the first place?

Do they not have apartments of their own?

I guess you are a magnet for guys who essentially want mothered.

 

So, all three times they have had a place of their own, ended up quitting their jobs and then trying to move in with me.

 

What typically has happened is, they will quit their job, I will be supportive and then they won't try to find a new job.

 

Do you not allow your boyfriend into your home? I think it would stand to reason that if you are dating someone, they can come over.

 

The thing is - they typically don't leave, or end up spending all of their time at my place, until I am fed up and ready for them to leave.

 

It is a typical deal, like Hey, you can leave some stuff at my place, your tooth brush, a couple of pairs of clothes etc. Right. Then it snowballs until we've decided to move in together. We'll it's always at my place, and then they don't want to leave when the relationship is going south. Then, they still don't want to leave if it is not to the point where we have moved in together.

 

For example, I will say hey, I need to go. Or, I trust that they will have some other thing to do, but they never leave.

 

It seems like once they get comfortable, they feel like they can unload their crap at my place, quit their job, and move in, and expect for me to take care of them. Then there is a problem when I don't and I always end up having to force them out.

 

I am very clear. You do not live here. You need to contribute your half if you are going to be here. I say these things. The requests are not respected or fulfilled, and then it's a problem when I ask them to leave.

[JuneL]

These sound professional con men. Did you verify they did have a job and a place of their own? Were they very charming and over the top affectionate at the beginning?

[shellybing]

I have a friend who is very friendly, giving, and who owns a home that is essentially too large for her. She also ended up with a series of men who just wanted to live somewhere. Their lives had taken a wrong turn and they were more or less looking for some stability.

 

The key was that she wanted a relationship badly, moved too fast, and simply did not turn away men with clear warning signs.

 

I am a very friendly and nice person.

 

But I am also very clear, that is why I do not understand.

 

I will flat out tell them "This is my apartment, and you have to contribute your half to the rent and bills, if you are going to be here."

 

But, then they just don't and expect me to "pick up the slack." And I typically do, because I will not let my bills go to ****. Then I am stuck with rising electric bills, extra time cleaning (because they typically do not clean either), extra grocery bills. Then I have to hear about how horrible I am for expecting them to pay their half of the bills.

 

I am clear. I was clear with man#2 - I said - You have 2 weeks to find a job and then you need to get OUT. I cannot afford to support you, and I had only been dating him for just a couple of months, and barely knew him before that. We hit it off at the skating rink, and would go skating once a week. Then, when we started dating it was all this.

 

With guy #3 We moved into an apartment together and when the relationship started going south, I bailed. The lease on "OUR" apartment was up. He would pay his half of the rent and nothing more, but would buy me some flowers every week. That was not enough to make up for the huge bills I was getting for his electronic usage, and my grocery bill almost tripled trying to keep enough in the house for him. When the lease was up, I moved out into a more affordable apartment, sans the extra bedroom for him, and he followed me here. I told him, this is my apartment, we are supposed to be breaking up. He just stayed and never looked for another place to live, and moved all of his stuff here. He finally left. When he packed his things to leave after about another 6 months, he had it all laid out in the living room. He looked at me and said "You are not going to stop me are you?" I looked him flat in his face and said "No."

 

I just don't understand, because I think I am being clear about the expectation.

 

I do not want a relationship so badly that it will break me, I tend to be okay on my own. I actually tend to do better on my own, given these are the kinds of problems I have with men.

[shellybing]

These sound professional con men. Did you verify they did have a job and a place of their own? Were they very charming and over the top affectionate at the beginning?

 

Yes I know they had jobs.

 

But, yes they were also very charming and nice at first.

 

So guy #2 took me out on dates, and cooked for me, and was very caring. Then a little later the jealousy reared it's ugly head, then there goes the job and everything else.

 

guy #3 was a bit different. I would complain that he did not go out in public with me a lot and he would chalk it up to his work schedule and wanting to spend time with me. Then he started buying me flowers every week, and I would try to be understanding. We started going out more, and he continued to be sweet. We decided to try moving in together and I left my apartment and we got our own. The only thing he would contribute to was his half of the rent, and nothing more. Then, the jealousy came out again. I decided it wasn't working and moved out when the lease was up. I cancelled all of our wedding plans (because we had gotten engaged), and he never looked for anywhere to live, or did anything about that and followed me here to my new apartment. He continued to make my life miserable, and he finally left. (The rest of that is mentioned in the response above.)

 

Do I need to be more assertive?

 

I was speaking with my dad about this, and he suggested that if they do not hear my words, I might need to buy a gun to make it more clear so that I do not need to worry so much about making men leave when it is time for them to go. I feel like I am assertive and clear. I am not flaky about it either - come and then go. Once they are gone, they are gone.

 

When someone is dating you, I get they can come and go - but these dudes typically do not communicate that, or respect any boundaries I set in that area.

[CptInsano]

I am a very friendly and nice person.

 

But I am also very clear, that is why I do not understand.

 

I will flat out tell them "This is my apartment, and you have to contribute your half to the rent and bills, if you are going to be here."

 

But, then they just don't and expect me to "pick up the slack." And I typically do, because I will not let my bills go to ****. Then I am stuck with rising electric bills, extra time cleaning (because they typically do not clean either), extra grocery bills. Then I have to hear about how horrible I am for expecting them to pay their half of the bills.

 

The key is that it is your apartment and your credit. You have something to lose and they don't. I really hate to be a broken record, but you simply cannot let somebody move in unless you are certain that you are compatible when it comes to maintaining a house and home.

 

You may have said one thing, but you were willing to take on all the risk, and at that point the message became very mixed.

 

A recently had a woman living with me whose sister helped me in the past. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but I had to make her look for a job, and once she had one I made her pay rent. Even then it took two extra months until I had her out of the door, and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I hadn't owed her sister a big favor. No, you cannot let them move in with you until you know them really well.

[elaine567]

Do you not allow your boyfriend into your home? I think it would stand to reason that if you are dating someone, they can come over.

 

There is a huge difference between allowing someone to come over or even to spend the night or nights in your home, and someone moving in...

 

Your boundaries are lax and I guess motivated at first by not wanting to rock the boat too much in case they leave you.

 

These kind of people push your boundaries until they know how much they can get away with.

Once they figure out that you are a soft touch then they walk all over you.

[shellybing]

The key is that it is your apartment and your credit. You have something to lose and they don't. I really hate to be a broken record, but you simply cannot let somebody move in unless you are certain that you are compatible when it comes to maintaining a house and home.

 

You may have said one thing, but you were willing to take on all the risk, and at that point the message became very mixed.

A recently had a woman living with me whose sister helped me in the past. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but I had to make her look for a job, and once she had one I made her pay rent. Even then it took two extra months until I had her out of the door, and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I hadn't owed her sister a big favor. No, you cannot let them move in with you until you know them really well.

 

So understandably so, I moved in with them, with the expectation that everything was agreed upon, and they did not follow through.

 

That is my mistake, and I own that.

 

What I do not understand, is why - when the problem is mentioned - and when it comes to a point where I choose not to pick up the slack - they choose not to leave.

 

It's almost like they stay just to make my life miserable and just use me beyond that, and I don't get why that is.

 

To be honest, I am not lax about it. I have been called every name in the book, a famed "gold digger" because I have this expectation.

 

Let me add to my last response, I say "If you are going to be here, you need to contribute, or you need to leave." And, then they simply do not.

 

I am not an overly intimidating person, but the last two times I have gotten into a relationship - I have literally, forcefully, had to fight these men away from me, and my apartment.

 

Why, when I say "Leave or pay" don't they?

 

Then if I let it go, they get to walk all over me. If I keep "bitching and complaining about him paying the bills" I am a gold digger.

 

What more is there, that I can do - to communicate this to them?

 

 

 

A bit more background. The last time about did me in.

 

I had sat this man down, and told him "Hey, my bills are going up, and I need some grocery money. I am going to have a hard time paying X bill, and what I need is for you to help me pay that." - - mic drop silence.

 

So, after some thought - we agreed that the money situation would be easier if we moved in together and he agreed to pay his part. He did not pay "all" of his part and only picked and chose what he wanted to contribute to - which was only rent.

 

That is how it happened. When we decided to move in together and get an apartment, I still would communicate the issue to him, and when the lease was up - I moved out on the basis that he did not own up to his part in any part of the relationship and wanted to end it. It did not end there - he followed me to my next apartment. He said "I'll help you move, and I'll go stay with my people."

 

So I am over here thinking, well at least he is going to help me move, that will be a nice expense not to have to foot. Then - he just did not leave and left all of his stuff in my closet. The entire time I was telling him to leave and he did not.

 

I would communicate these things - I love you, but you lie, you cheat, you don't contribute, you need to leave.

 

Nothing. He just stayed. He stayed until it came to blows, and I was on the verge of breaking down.

 

That is the part I want to avoid. I can see when the relationship is going south - but I cannot make it end. I cannot make them leave. What do I do?

[shellybing]

There is a huge difference between allowing someone to come over or even to spend the night or nights in your home, and someone moving in...

 

Your boundaries are lax and I guess motivated at first by not wanting to rock the boat too much in case they leave you.

 

These kind of people push your boundaries until they know how much they can get away with.

Once they figure out that you are a soft touch then they walk all over you.

 

They really really do. I have been trying to get better at looking for the red flags. I seem to see the blaring major red flags, but some of them are very tiny and hard to spot.

[Popsicle]

Don't date or emotionally support men who don't have jobs. If they want to quit tell them not to quit until they find a new job first, then quit. They'll get the message. Also, spend equal amounts of time at their place too.

[Ieris]

I had sat this man down, and told him "Hey, my bills are going up, and I need some grocery money. I am going to have a hard time paying X bill, and what I need is for you to help me pay that." - - mic drop silence.

 

That is so cringey I feel embarrassed for him. He has no self respect and he has no respect for you. Where on earth do you find these people?

 

There seems to be a pattern forming and the thing these guys have in common is you so I'm guessing it could be your accommodating and supportive nature which leads these guys to take advantage of you. I mean there is nothing wrong with being supportive but don't let other people make their problems become your problems.

 

It's weird for people just to quit their job like that and expect you to support them so are you relatively wealthy? Where they think they've struck gold or something... Also how old are these guys... older/younger than you? What kind of jobs did these guys have?

[shellybing]

That is so cringey I feel embarrassed for him. He has no self respect and he has no respect for you. Where on earth do you find these people?

 

There seems to be a pattern forming and the thing these guys have in common is you so I'm guessing it could be your accommodating and supportive nature which leads these guys to take advantage of you. I mean there is nothing wrong with being supportive but don't let other people make their problems become your problems.

 

It's weird for people just to quit their job like that and expect you to support them so are you relatively wealthy? Where they think they've struck gold or something... Also how old are these guys... older/younger than you? What kind of jobs did these guys have?

 

So - to outline the job situation shortly -

 

Guy #1: dated less than 3 months. He quit his job and told me afterward. I allowed him to stay at my apartment while I was not at work and on weekends. He thought it was redicoulous that I would send him away when I had other things to do. He ended up staying there, until I moved out. Some drama occured and I found out he was lieing to his sister (my friend, before I knew him). He just started staying at my place no agreement, and lieing about looking for a job. He drove a delivery truck. I never saw him again because I left his suitcase and belongings on the porch and told him not to come back.

I met him through my friend, his sister. We both played a sport together and she was one of the coaches. Also a good friend.

 

Guy #2

He was okay at first. He hated his job. It would cause him severe aniety and stomach issues. I was being supportive one day and told him if he wanted to quit his job, why doesnt he find another one and go there. I went to pick him up after work and he esentially quit his job and came and got in my car. Hotel Manager. He then started staying at my place and would not leave for anything, and things went south. It ended in blows because he did not want to leave after I had felt bad and let him attend a dinner with mutual friends at my apartment. The party was over, again he did not want to leave, and it came to blows and me calling to police. I met him skating, an active past time to stay active. I was staying at the hotel he managed, and he overheard me talking about skating to someone else. He asked me about it, and later that evening I saw him in the parking lot after work skating home. We hit it off from there.

 

guy #3

We were together for 2 and a half years. engaged, it was on the rocks because he was lieing, cheating, not contributing etc. I said it's over and moved out when the lease was up. Before we moved in he was staying at my apartment for long periods and not leaving. We then agreed to move in together, which was when I found out about the lieing and cheating. I confronted him, and eventually let it go. Things were better and I chalked it up to being difficult to adjust to being in a long term relationship. After that, I decided no more when he turned the tables on me and started making accusations at me. I would not have it because I was already supporting him basically (with the exception of his half of the rent and nothing more), and also had to put up with his previous lies. I moved out, and he followed me. I said, I am getting a smaller apartment and we are going on a break. I thought he had agreed to this, but he offered to help me move out and so I accepted. He moved all his things into my closet and never left until it came to blows. He was in finance and mortgages.

I met him online, we talked for over a month before meeting. Had 4 dates and 3 months before he called and said "Hey, I want to be with you." I was in my smaller apartment when he quit. He said the drive was horrible (understandably, but he would make time to do pop in visits, escalating problems with his job. I encouraged him to find another job or to quit, but also encouraged him looking for another job) He already did not contribute even while he was working - and then he quit his job, stayed with me 24/7 and never looked for another job.

 

I am not wealthy. I make a decent wage, but nothing too serious. I get by. Sometimes my dad sends me money for extra groceries or money to treat myself, because he loves me. That is that.

 

I have felt before, that maybe because my dad (who also get's by, he just accommodates because he is a good dad) sends money sometimes, they get an idea in their head that maybe he is rich, or that I have a trust fund or something and then they want to latch on thinking that I have some hidden money. But I do not. Dad just does what he can when he can.

 

 

So, just not sure what I am missing. . .I am obviously bad at this, so this is why I am trying to walk through this.

I feel like there is something I am missing, when it comes to choosing whom.

[basil67]

Guys number one and two: I find it odd that they were able to leave their existing place and move in with you so quickly. Anything in common there? Perhaps they were living with their parents or paying rent on a week to week basis?

[Chilli]

That's a lot of relationships straight out of divorce.

did you even take a few years to yourself first ?

Sounds like you just jump from one to the next without even thinking much about the next person you start up with, that's never a good idea.

As far as the guys , well, l'm always saying this but you gotta use your picker.

And that means being on your own until the right guy comes along.

And then in your case , you gotta take it very slow until you see just what it is and what they are. .

ps , and you gotta stop being such a soft touch.

[shellybing]

That's a lot of relationships straight out of divorce.

did you even take a few years to yourself first ?

Sounds like you just jump from one to the next without even thinking much about the next person you start up with, that's never a good idea.

As far as the guys , well, l'm always saying this but you gotta use your picker.

And that means being on your own until the right guy comes along.

And then in your case , you gotta take it very slow until you see just what it is and what they are. .

ps , and you gotta stop being such a soft touch.

 

It has been 3 men is 6 years. I didn't think that was moving too quickly.

 

The first two men I tried dating before I was ready, and I'll give it that, but those were very short lived. 6 months total for the 2.

 

I guess maybe I should toughen up a bit. . . .

 

I have decided not to date anyone for a long time. I usually wait a while and try to jump back in, but this time I am done. I have felt pretty fed up with the whole thing and I am just tired of it all. I feel like I have given up, but also liberated because I honestly would rather just be alone.

[GemmaUK]

I've met several guys who have made attempts to edge their way in to my place - some blatant (and quite frankly hilariously blatant) , some a bit more subtle.

None of them got a key and none of them got anywhere close to what they wanted.

 

Don't ever give a guy a key.

Don't let him even start leaving any stuff at your place, if you see that happening you point it out and tell him he needs to pack it.

He can leave disposable stuff like a toothbrush but not much else - no clothes or anything.

[shellybing]

Guys number one and two: I find it odd that they were able to leave their existing place and move in with you so quickly. Anything in common there? Perhaps they were living with their parents or paying rent on a week to week basis?

 

guy #1 lived with his sister and my friend

he didn't really have anywhere else, but I can see why he wanted to squat. He didnt want to live with his sister and I seemed like an easy out.

I wasn't unfortunately. I returned his sisters car to her and told her I didn't want his drama. (he was skrewing around and we all thought he was on drugs. it did not take long for me to see that knowing him outside of our common sport. he looked and acted fine during our practices, so I thought nothing of it and always was clear that he did not live there nor did I want anything serious.

 

guy#2

He lived in a hotel room part time and had a place with his aunt part time.

Because he managed the hotel and that was a huge job. this i just don't get - period. You quit your job and your house at a whim (he blamed me) for a suggestion?

 

guy #3

He had his own apartment when we met and decided to move out of it because he could no longer afford that rent. he moved in to his cousins bachelor pad for a while after that, and then spent all of his time at my place while paying rent at his cousins. I eventually brought the money situation to light with him, and nothing ever happened with it. I decided I cared for him alot and we thought it might take a lot of stress off the relationship if we moved in together.

Later, after I had already complained about his un willingness to contribute, shortly after moving in together a whole lot of things came to my knowledge and major red flags were showing. I called him to let him know I had paid up all of the bills and he would need to buy the groceries and extras this time, because I was almost out. I said "I paid all of the bills." Then I went into exactly how and what was paid. We'll I had made a payment arrangement with one utility, to which he responded "You are a bold faced liar." He then went on a rant about how I was such a liar because I told him "I paid all of the bills" but actually set up a payment arrangement on one utility.

 

The last guy has more information and detail here because he was the most recent and those wounds are still fresh a year later. I am over him now, it still hurts sometimes. What I really want to do is, instead focus on where I am slipping up rather than what they did. I have no idea how to handle this though.

 

I feel like I had made every possible sensible and rational decision I could at the time, and now I just feel like I am crazy.

[Popsicle]

Always act like a damsel in distress who needs help. It will scare users away.

[CptInsano]

What I do not understand, is why - when the problem is mentioned - and when it comes to a point where I choose not to pick up the slack - they choose not to leave.

 

They ride the gravy train as long as they can. My friend had a guy who started to cry like a child but wouldn't change his behavior. He succeeded in delaying the inevitable. They will play you.

 

Just out of curiosity: Did any of these men have any drug habits or did you suspect they did?

[basil67]

guy #1 lived with his sister and my friend

he didn't really have anywhere else,

 

guy#2

He lived in a hotel room part time and had a place with his aunt part time.

 

guy #3

He had his own apartment when we met and decided to move out of it because he could no longer afford that rent. he moved in to his cousins bachelor pad for a while after that,

 

Woot! We just found the thing in common. All three men had no fixed address. All of them were fine with taking rooms and space in other people's houses - so it stands to reason that they'd do the same thing to you.

 

So here's the change to make: Look for men who have roots. At the very least, have a proper lease on the place they can afford. Don't go for flakes who are couch surfing and/or can't afford their living circumstances.

[shellybing]

Woot! We just found the thing in common. All three men had no fixed address. All of them were fine with taking rooms and space in other people's houses - so it stands to reason that they'd do the same thing to you.

 

So here's the change to make: Look for men who have roots. At the very least, have a proper lease on the place they can afford. Don't go for flakes who are couch surfing and/or can't afford their living circumstances.

 

I guess it is a hard pill to swallow thinking men in their 30's still "couch surf." I never really thought of it that way, I always just thought the circumstance was a "circumstance."

 

o.o

 

The last guy I was with, I was happy to be with due to the fact that he had a fixed address. It showed maturity to me. But then when we got serious and made it exclusive - he bailed on it? yikes. that is hard to swallow.

He bailed out on his apartment in hopes of moving in with me to be a scrub? I see that in hindsight of course. ugggg.

[BluEyeL]

So you seem to be going wrong when picking the men. Pick men who have stable careers (not just jobs) and either a lease they can afford or own their own home.

[JuneL]

guy #1 lived with his sister and my friend

he didn't really have anywhere else, but I can see why he wanted to squat. He didnt want to live with his sister and I seemed like an easy out.

I wasn't unfortunately. I returned his sisters car to her and told her I didn't want his drama. (he was skrewing around and we all thought he was on drugs. it did not take long for me to see that knowing him outside of our common sport. he looked and acted fine during our practices, so I thought nothing of it and always was clear that he did not live there nor did I want anything serious.

 

guy#2

He lived in a hotel room part time and had a place with his aunt part time.

Because he managed the hotel and that was a huge job. this i just don't get - period. You quit your job and your house at a whim (he blamed me) for a suggestion?

 

guy #3

He had his own apartment when we met and decided to move out of it because he could no longer afford that rent. he moved in to his cousins bachelor pad for a while after that, and then spent all of his time at my place while paying rent at his cousins. I eventually brought the money situation to light with him, and nothing ever happened with it. I decided I cared for him alot and we thought it might take a lot of stress off the relationship if we moved in together.

Later, after I had already complained about his un willingness to contribute, shortly after moving in together a whole lot of things came to my knowledge and major red flags were showing. I called him to let him know I had paid up all of the bills and he would need to buy the groceries and extras this time, because I was almost out. I said "I paid all of the bills." Then I went into exactly how and what was paid. We'll I had made a payment arrangement with one utility, to which he responded "You are a bold faced liar." He then went on a rant about how I was such a liar because I told him "I paid all of the bills" but actually set up a payment arrangement on one utility.

 

The last guy has more information and detail here because he was the most recent and those wounds are still fresh a year later. I am over him now, it still hurts sometimes. What I really want to do is, instead focus on where I am slipping up rather than what they did. I have no idea how to handle this though.

 

I feel like I had made every possible sensible and rational decision I could at the time, and now I just feel like I am crazy.

 

All sound super fishy to me. I highly doubt if #2 indeed had a great job at the said hotel. He probably did live there sometimes when the aunt was sick of him mooching off her.