SerCay Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I'm going to be honest, I am spontaneous and outgoing, and very talkative. Also informed on almost all matters, opinionated and very confident in my communication. For example I'm not shy to make eye contact, I look a person in the eyes when they're talking to me. I ask questions and I like to get to know people. Also, I'm charismatic and good looking. Guys at work tend to gaze sometimes and find me "pretty." (I'm telling you this last one to paint an honest general picture, not to be arrogant) Here's the dilemma: In my personal life, this has worked out very well for me. I have a super nice circle of friends, and I meet new people every day. People generally respond very positive to me, and I make friends very very easily. Guy and girl friends. All is going A-Okay there. BUT At work is a different thing....I notice that people tend to avoid talking to me for longer periods of time. They "choose" mates that are less confident, less in communicating. So what happens, is that I'm good with everyone, but I don't have colleagues with whom I feel a friend kind of connection. And of course this isn't necessary, but the rest of them tend to pick a person they stick to, or a person that they favour. I'm kind of my own person, without an "us" at work. This bugs me. I think I'm doing something that tends to shy people away from me. Now, I can absolutely imagine that I would come across as overwhelming. That might be the reason? I want to know, because I want to be able to have good and close connections at this job too!!! In my previous job I had the same problem. The jobs before that, I was perfectly fine and just as it is in my social life, in my work life I was able to make friends as well. It might be something that changed about my work attitude since my last job? I don't know. I need tips on this dear LS'ers! I'm not afraid to be criticized, honestly I want valuable tips. I thought about turning my "personality and outgoingness" down a notch, but then I think, that's who I am! It has always worked for me... Fill me in! Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 It is entirely likely to come off as having an overwhelming and/or intimidating character, while those close to you know otherwise. In a way people who are very opinionated, intelligent, confident or have other traits which shows higher integrity, can "scare" away those who perhaps lack any or above mentioned. Then again, there are also those people who find such attractive and will be drawn to it. So it's likely a mix of things, as to why people will avoid contact or longer communication in general. We all perceive things very differently, some humans are exceptionally great at making everyone feel comfortable, possibly because they've learned to balance their own personality, and adjust it accordingly to the person whom they are talking to. As we all are so very different, it's the fewest who are appeal to most. No matter how confident or great we might be at anything, there is always room to improve ourselves or refine abilities we already possess. Since you do desire to have a close connection at work too, then in order to better "fit in" and seem even more welcoming, you more than likely do have to adjust some of the ways you go about things. I guess it depends a bit on your working environment as well, but most people like someone who is very down to earth. Consider that a lot are very sensitive to having someone come with a strong opinion about a certain topic, that might be very close or important to the person you talk to. It's easy to make someone feel uncomfortable or dislike you, if you "hurt" their feelings, despite it is not your intention to do so. You are more than likely already aware of this, but even so, we can sometimes forget how different other people are. If you lead an otherwise busy and composed life, then it can be easy to forget to reflect at things and yourself. Perspective is everything when it comes to any situation, being stuck in our own can at times be to our own detriment. The way we talk and approach any event, can be crucial to the outcome. Overall I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are, but even so, that doesn't mean you won't come off as something entirely else to another person. As such life and people can be difficult to assess, but I've always found that learning to reflect at things from different perspectives can be quite insightful. No one in this world think about things exactly as you do, this may sound simple, but again we can at times forget that everyone's brain is wired differently. Sometimes being passive, patient and less direct, is a better route to take than being active, direct and letting your forceful personality push through. It can be difficult to give any direct advise, as there are many factors that play an important part in which way is best to approach the situation. Either way, it is far from a hopeless situation, in fact it may be very good for you to learn to re-balance your approach to things and others, without you have to compromise your own core views and values. Sometimes we just need to put them a bit on hold, while we try to create new connections with other people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 what industry do you work in Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I'm the same way. We had a fire drill and everyone paired off in the parking lot. I just stood there alone and confident looking good because eff them. I'm the man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DC77 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I have a similar personality in my work demeanor as well. Assertive. Direct. And attractive. It's never bothered me because I know I do good work and get the job done. For me it's just business. But even then, I have been approached at a past job and was asked to tone it down, particularly for some of the other women. I don't know if you're overwhelming but likely assertive. An assertive woman can feel threatening in the workplace to other women and even men, but for different reasons. That's just how it is, especially in such a closed in environment. As I found, I didn't mesh with quiet feminine types. And I clashed with some PhD male types. But I tried to tone it down... Outside of work, it's personal time. We can chose who we spend time with and who our personalities connect with. The people we're going to best connect with will be attracted to us, while the people who probably won't connect with us we may never meet. A work situation is different. Not only are the dynamics different. There are tasks, goals, criteria, and sometimes competition. But you're also locked into a pretty set and static environment with the same people, all with varied personalities. So this difference of personal connections versus work connections might feel more obvious. There isn't that natural avoidance or out that people with clashing personalities can have in personal life... If not being able to connect truly bothers you, you may need to find a way to adjust your assertiveness in the workplace. And I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily. Some of the best managers and teachers are good at what they do because they know how to adjust and speak to varying personalities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Outside of work, it's personal time. We can chose who we spend time with and who our personalities connect with. The people we're going to best connect with will be attracted to us, while the people who probably won't connect with us we may never meet. A work situation is different. Not only are the dynamics different. There are tasks, goals, criteria, and sometimes competition. But you're also locked into a pretty set and static environment with the same people, all with varied personalities. So this difference of personal connections versus work connections might feel more obvious. There isn't that natural avoidance or out that people with clashing personalities can have in personal life... ... Some of the best managers and teachers are good at what they do because they know how to adjust and speak to varying personalities. ^^^this^^^ Outside of work the people who are not attracted to our personalities filter themselves out of our circles, but at work we are up against people we may never choose to be friends with or who may never choose to be friends with us. At work, we may find someone we get along with really well, we may not, but the trick, as DC77 says is to be able to adjust. The best exponent of this I ever knew was an older guy I worked with once, he could "charm" everyone, from the top to the bottom. He was a genuine guy and good at his job too, so he was accepted by all. But he would even modify his accent, his language, his topics of conversation to fit into which ever group he was speaking to at the time, yet still maintaining his own personality. He did it so well, I guess many may not have been aware of it, but at the time, I found him fascinating to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 In work situations strong eye contact and asking too many or maybe too personal questions can be off putting. Not knowing you myself makes it tricky to answer but I can give examples of people I work with who seem to want to make friendships but struggle. We have three ladies where I work who people tend to avoid (actually there's just two now as one of them left a few months ago). Traits they had were: Strong eye contact and opening their eyes too wide. Lack of awareness of personal space. Being touchy feely Asking questions in public areas which people felt were too personal (in a work situation some people don't want to divulge any personal info at all so it's not the same as making friends outside of work). Asking outright very personal questions. One of them also sees nothing in telling all any personal info she knows about someone. Continuing talking when a person has cooked their lunch and is trying to leave the kitchen with it when it's ready so that it doesn't go cold. Same again with hot drinks. Following someone to speak to them about something instead of waiting until they are back and settled at their desk. All three women had several of the above traits. I'm not suggesting you have any of them but I know that if they each toned these things down they could make friendships in the work place. I have quite a few friendships at work and I know various things about various folk. One lady in particular has been having a very rough time of things over recent weeks which she has confided in me. I know that a few others also know all or something of her situation. I never ever broach the subject with her when anyone else is in earshot. Nor do I ever discuss her situation with anyone else. She always comes to me to talk first. Even the friendships I have including her I never started by asking any personal questions whether in earshot or not. I left it up to them to tell me things if they wanted to and they did the same with me - and then I had a little leeway in what was appropriate to ask as did they. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 what industry do you work in I'm a Recruitment Consultant I have a similar personality in my work demeanor as well. Assertive. Direct. And attractive. It's never bothered me because I know I do good work and get the job done. For me it's just business. But even then, I have been approached at a past job and was asked to tone it down, particularly for some of the other women. I don't know if you're overwhelming but likely assertive. An assertive woman can feel threatening in the workplace to other women and even men, but for different reasons. That's just how it is, especially in such a closed in environment. As I found, I didn't mesh with quiet feminine types. And I clashed with some PhD male types. But I tried to tone it down... Outside of work, it's personal time. We can chose who we spend time with and who our personalities connect with. The people we're going to best connect with will be attracted to us, while the people who probably won't connect with us we may never meet. A work situation is different. Not only are the dynamics different. There are tasks, goals, criteria, and sometimes competition. But you're also locked into a pretty set and static environment with the same people, all with varied personalities. So this difference of personal connections versus work connections might feel more obvious. There isn't that natural avoidance or out that people with clashing personalities can have in personal life... If not being able to connect truly bothers you, you may need to find a way to adjust your assertiveness in the workplace. And I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily. Some of the best managers and teachers are good at what they do because they know how to adjust and speak to varying personalities. You are so right, it's exactly this. The bold part especially. It's usually women who have a "dislike" for me. ^^^this^^^ Outside of work the people who are not attracted to our personalities filter themselves out of our circles, but at work we are up against people we may never choose to be friends with or who may never choose to be friends with us. At work, we may find someone we get along with really well, we may not, but the trick, as DC77 says is to be able to adjust. The best exponent of this I ever knew was an older guy I worked with once, he could "charm" everyone, from the top to the bottom. He was a genuine guy and good at his job too, so he was accepted by all. But he would even modify his accent, his language, his topics of conversation to fit into which ever group he was speaking to at the time, yet still maintaining his own personality. He did it so well, I guess many may not have been aware of it, but at the time, I found him fascinating to watch. See but that's just what I don't want to do...small adjustments I am fine with, but adjusting to everybody's ways is a step too far for me. I tried that in the past, but at the end of the day I felt exhausted by not having been myself all day... In work situations strong eye contact and asking too many or maybe too personal questions can be off putting. Not knowing you myself makes it tricky to answer but I can give examples of people I work with who seem to want to make friendships but struggle. We have three ladies where I work who people tend to avoid (actually there's just two now as one of them left a few months ago). Traits they had were: Strong eye contact and opening their eyes too wide. Lack of awareness of personal space. Being touchy feely Asking questions in public areas which people felt were too personal (in a work situation some people don't want to divulge any personal info at all so it's not the same as making friends outside of work). Asking outright very personal questions. One of them also sees nothing in telling all any personal info she knows about someone. Continuing talking when a person has cooked their lunch and is trying to leave the kitchen with it when it's ready so that it doesn't go cold. Same again with hot drinks. Following someone to speak to them about something instead of waiting until they are back and settled at their desk. All three women had several of the above traits. I'm not suggesting you have any of them but I know that if they each toned these things down they could make friendships in the work place. I have quite a few friendships at work and I know various things about various folk. One lady in particular has been having a very rough time of things over recent weeks which she has confided in me. I know that a few others also know all or something of her situation. I never ever broach the subject with her when anyone else is in earshot. Nor do I ever discuss her situation with anyone else. She always comes to me to talk first. Even the friendships I have including her I never started by asking any personal questions whether in earshot or not. I left it up to them to tell me things if they wanted to and they did the same with me - and then I had a little leeway in what was appropriate to ask as did they. To be honest I do none of these things... but I do understand that those traits would be off putting. My problem is in line with DC77... I guess I'm just going to ignore the fact that ladies chose to "leave me out of it" Link to post Share on other sites
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