I am "the fat wife"

[SJS]

About a year ago, I fell into the worst bout of depression I've ever been in. Very early on I tried talking to a therapist and he blew me off, saying it wasn't that big of a deal, you're not really depressed (???), your time is up...so I never went back to see him. During that year I quit caring about me. Stopped exercising, eating right, no haircuts or new clothes. I just let myself go to hell and ate a lot of ice cream and chocolate to make myself temporarily feel better. Slowly I've been coming out of this depression.

 

 

Lately my husband has been pulling the "I'm tired" card a lot, and I guessed it was to avoid sexy time, so yes, I snooped. He says he's on Facebook when he's in the bathroom for 20 minutes (not like him), so I looked to see if maybe he was chatting with another girl or something. No...he is on FB, but when I went to his activity log, his search history is all porn type stuff (I was actually amazed at the amount of nudity that's allowed on FB when you look hard enough). So I googled stuff like "husband doesn't want sex with me" and the majority of stuff that came back is how the wife got fat. Oh sh*t. I'm the fattest I've ever been.

I feel awful on so many levels-- that I let myself get this fat, that I'm probably someone he's embarrassed to be seen with, that I can't get out of this funk...

I know what I *need* to do. My friend has invited me to go on long distance walks with her so I am, it's a start. I know I need to start thinking more positively about myself. I know I need to cut the garbage out of my diet. And about halfway through the day, like about this time (which is what inspired me to write this) I start feeling sh*tty about myself and automatically go to the junk. If we don't have junk then I eat whatever I can find until I feel sick but don't actually get sick. And then I hate myself more and feel guilty that I'm letting him down, and the cycle goes on.

 

 

What can I do to push through this? Other than a therapist...the therapist turned me off so much that I'd rather not see one again.

 

 

FWIW...hubby has not told me I'm fat (even though years ago I gave him "permission" to without me getting mad), I don't blame him for any of this, and for months he has been saying how HE needs to lose weight so that's the cue I didn't pick up on back then.

[alphamale]

God will lead you through to see the light.

[xxoo]

Exercise would help you in so many ways. It will give you energy and feel-good endorphins flowing. It'll reduce your weight so that increased movement gets easier. It could replace food as a coping mechanism, and it naturally encourages good eating. You'll crave better foods, and be more averse to overeating (because exercise is sucky when you're overly full).

 

Do it for you! One step at a time. Some of my friends have started using those little meters that keep track of your steps all day long, and set goals for 10k steps a day.

Edited March 20, 2015 by xxoo

[Gloria25]

I say "consistency"....

 

I also say "hobbies/volunteering"....

 

I also say "lifestyle changes"...

 

-Consistency....Ok, you started walking. Keep it up. You're not gonna want to do it everyday. I work out 5-6 times a week and have days I "just do it".

 

Consistency also in the sense that nagging your husband, cutting off facebook, etc isn't gonna bring him back to you. You making changes and sticking with them is what's gonna pull him back. Women want to "talk" it out. Men are looking for "actions".

 

-Hobbies/volunteering...Your depression can be taken care of if you find things to do to keep you busy and just make you feel better about yourself. If you are busy learning a new thing, picking up a hobby you enjoy, helping others - then you come home exhausted and "what" time will you have to feel depressed? Also, we humans are funny creatures - for some reason we find purpose in doing things for others. It feels good when you share an ice cream, right? Same goes with volunteering.

 

Also, through hobbies and/or volunteering you can learn new skills. When we learn something new and prove "we can do it", it raises our self esteem.

 

So, kill the overeating and self-loathing by getting out there and "doing" things through volunteering and/or hobbies.

 

-Lifestyle changes...I've seen too many people new years resolutions to go to the gym, fad diets, goal is only to fit into a bathing suit. And, when it's over, it's over....Nope, not this time around. You have to make positive and permanent lifestyle choices. It makes it easier to stick with it for the long run.

 

Like baking instead of broiling, soy milk instead of regular milk, etc. At first you may have to adjust to eating better - but trust me, after a while your body will change and you will get sick of bad food. Sometimes I run and smell fast food and want to puke. I still indulge in sweets and garbage food, but watch my portions and do not eat it on the regular.

 

Good luck,

[somedude81]

Tell your husband that you want to start losing weight and that the two of you are going to start eating healthy. Also exercise together.

[writergal]

To lose the weight, schedule an appointment with a nutritionist. To boost your mood, seek out activities or hobbies that energize you and make you happy. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker the weight will come off. Schedule a 'date night' with your husband once a week. Try to find ways to spend time doing activities with your husband.

 

Do you think you may suffer from SAD - seasonal affective disorder? We Midwesterners know that the lack of daylight from November to March can be very depressing to put up with. Long, dark winters that force you indoors (if you aren't an outdoorsy person) can negatively affect your mood. So, maybe spend time outside walking, even if it's just for 20 minutes to get some sunlight. That will definitely make you feel better.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have to make yourself a priority and start taking care of yourself, health, weight, mental, spiritually (I noticed many women need this aspect more than men do)...so that you can start feeling and believing more positively in your life. That's what will help you get back on the horse.

 

The problem with many women however is that they feel a partner or husband should basically become their mule, or support system for all that she lacks, and then the load becomes too heavy or ignores the needs of the man for the sake of what the woman feels she needs or deserves from him.

 

But he's only human, and you do not want to increase the load and burden him because that'll just make things worse and push him away. Men are taught that they should not be critical towards a woman's weight...therefore that's why he's likely just let it go and not said anything...men are in this weird position where they can only be supportive and never critical, therefore they usually choose to just deal with things on their own to some extent and escape with porn.

 

So the thing I liked about your post is you didn't criticize or personalize your husbands behavior...although you did snoop on him out of insecurity, that was really only going to make things worse.

 

Just realize your husband is dealing with his own feelings, try to communicate but not prioritize and personalize everything like this all about you and how things make you feel...which is something women often do, try to recognize and notice the way it's affected him and both if your lives together...and although there should be some things you work on together, don't be the woman that expects him to fix or help you with everything you need, because you are still your own person and need to carry your own weight in a relationship to get yourself together and he has the same responsibility...only then can you realistically work on things together, otherwise you're expecting too much and it will drain your relationship.

 

Take steps to work on you, and make the same kind of commitment you expect from your husband from yourself.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas

[amaysngrace]

I'd say focus on breakfast. There are all kinds of smoothies you can make that are packed with power.

 

I'd also recommend that you walk early in the day. This way you will begin knowing what kind of day you're going to have by setting the tone early on.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

SJS, I feel for you. I also posted a thread about feeling like my weight gain had affected my relationship with my bf. He used to workshop my body and compliment me constantly and now he's less affectionate, complimentary and the sex has decreased though he has not mentioned anything about my weight.

 

Anyways, there's going to be a ton of people giving you all kinds of different advice.

 

Most important thing is: Make a change. Any small change will due to start. Go walk at least 30 min each day and increase that time little by little.

 

Start there and then adjust your diet. Focus on eating less processed (chips, crackers, cereal, pasta, soda, etc) and more whole foods (fruits, veggies, lean meats)...

 

I promise that when you focus on yourself and start making these changes, you will feel better and more confident. In turn, your relationship should start to improve.

 

Baby steps!

[whichwayisup]

It's a shame that therapist put you off, therapy is amazing. Please go find another one, trust and have faith. When you find one you can feel so comfortable with, it'll work out for you in such a positive way.

 

Glad you have a friend who is walking with you, and motivating you.

 

Take each day as a new step, make the best out of it and try not to go negative.

 

As for your husband, be honest and tell him it hurts what he's doing.

 

You two should walk together too!

[Gloria25]

It's a shame that therapist put you off, therapy is amazing. Please go find another one, trust and have faith. When you find one you can feel so comfortable with, it'll work out for you in such a positive way.

 

Glad you have a friend who is walking with you, and motivating you.

 

Take each day as a new step, make the best out of it and try not to go negative.

 

As for your husband, be honest and tell him it hurts what he's doing.

 

You two should walk together too!

 

Well, not to be mean, but I think the therapist did her a favor....

 

Too many therapists that will take your money for you to come in an hour each day and let you complain about this or that. Same for so-called marriage counselors....they just want you and your husband to come in and bych at each other rather than give you tools to repair your marriage.

 

I think we did more for SJS than sitting down with a therapist and wasting money would do - we gave her tools she can put into work to address her issue.

 

See, to me therapy is not just about having someone to vent with - it's a place where you discover "why" you have a particular issue and get "tools" to repair it.

 

And yes, doing this with her husband sounds great too. If I'm correct, he is having weight issues too and hopefully this is an activity they can enjoy and bond together with...

 

Yep, while I'm sorta "self-motivated" and even prefer to workout on my own, having a workout buddy/partner does help with motivation

[SJS]

First of all, thank you all so much for being kind. I was afraid I was going to get ripped apart. Thank you for the suggestions too. There are a lot of good ones.

 

 

The funny thing about all this is just a year ago I was working out a ton and my diet was the best it's ever been until I hit this bump.

I got a bunch of fruit/veggies to make some breakfast smoothies. I will continue to walk with my friend on the weekends, and will try harder to work out during the week w/ the hubby when the kid is a practice, then we can go together. This semester I'm taking 6 classes, which I think may be part of my problem...I'm always sitting to read, write papers, etc. But even my schoolwork is beginning to suffer too. Right now we study together when the kid is at practice, but I know he'd be willing to study for an hour then work out for an hour.

 

 

I won't tell him that I snooped...what good can come from it. I don't want him to have to admit he's lost attraction, and honestly, I can't blame him.

[Noproblem]

you can do it

 

But don't do it to keep your husband

 

Do it for you

[dichotomy]

If I understand you right you Goggled "why husband does not want to have sex with me" - and determined from the responses you found - it was because your fat. That is the generic web answer - not your husbands answer.

 

If I goggled "why my wife does not want to have sex with me" majority would be something along the lines of "you don't do enough around home, or your not Romantic enough and nice, or bait and switch marriage issue".

 

In both cases it could be total bull**** answer for your spouse's reasons for no or reduced sex.

 

What I am saying if you have gained alot of usual weight - then do it for yourself and your health.....but keep in the back of your mind, that it is POSSIBLE you loosing 30 lbs or what ever might not bring back your husbands interest in you. Unless he honestly communicates with you why he as lost his interest (or you spy and find out) you could be in for another disappointment after you loose the weight for ONLY that reason of getting his sexual interest back. getting healthy is its own reward.

Edited March 21, 2015 by dichotomy

[xxoo]

I will continue to walk with my friend on the weekends, and will try harder to work out during the week w/ the hubby when the kid is a practice, then we can go together. This semester I'm taking 6 classes, which I think may be part of my problem...I'm always sitting to read, write papers, etc. But even my schoolwork is beginning to suffer too. Right now we study together when the kid is at practice, but I know he'd be willing to study for an hour then work out for an hour.

 

From a practical point of view, it can be much easier to work out on the weekends. Workouts require a change of clothes and shower, cool down time, etc.

 

Walk every day, regardless. Every human should walk every day if able. And add workouts to days when they are the easiest to fit in, which for me is usually not Mon-thurs.

[SJS]

If I understand you right you Goggled "why husband does not want to have sex with me" - and determined from the responses you found - it was because your fat. That is the generic web answer - not your husbands answer.

 

If I goggled "why my wife does not want to have sex with me" majority would be something along the lines of "you don't do enough around home, or your not Romantic enough and nice, or bait and switch marriage issue".

 

In both cases it could be total bull**** answer for your spouse's reasons for no or reduced sex.

 

What I am saying if you have gained alot of usual weight - then do it for yourself and your health.....but keep in the back of your mind, that it is POSSIBLE you loosing 30 lbs or what ever might not bring back your husbands interest in you. Unless he honestly communicates with you why he as lost his interest (or you spy and find out) you could be in for another disappointment after you loose the weight for ONLY that reason of getting his sexual interest back. getting healthy is its own reward.

Good point, and very very true. It seems like the #1 (or one of the top)reasons why husbands lose interest is their wife gained a considerable amount of weight, which I have. And I've known that it's been getting out of hand. But maybe it might be the depression, not the weight. Either way...do you think it might be better if I work on myself and see if things improve before talking to him about it?

[Robert Z]

Just remember, about 80% of weight loss is accomplished through diet, not exercise - diet for weight loss and exercise for fitness. And a diet needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a temporary reprieve from junk food. Also, allow yourself cheat days. It turns out that cheat days may be critical to continued weight loss as well as your sanity.

 

I would talk to him. Just knowing that you are willing to make the effort could count for a lot all by itself. And while weight loss is critical to your health and is worth doing in either case, it could be that you have other issues to work out. For example, maybe things are getting boring and he wants to get kinky.

[dichotomy]

Good point, and very very true. It seems like the #1 (or one of the top)reasons why husbands lose interest is their wife gained a considerable amount of weight, which I have. And I've known that it's been getting out of hand. But maybe it might be the depression, not the weight. Either way...do you think it might be better if I work on myself and see if things improve before talking to him about it?

 

Yes I think you should work on yourself then see how things improve, but lets say you make it 50% of the way to your weight goal, and his interest does not change a bit...dont stop, keep getting healthy.

 

I have had both weight and depression issues in my life, getting healthier can help with depression, and also having an improved confident outlook can make others attracted to you.

[darkmoon]

ah a diet...

 

right, exersize walk etc., ok, but no white rice bread or pasta (a lil brown if you must) or any sugar, do not eat in the evenings, trust me, you will get thin, whoever says these things are no problems and to eat them is nobody you need to listen to

 

this is how to get thin asap (there is a fat person in me, so I watch my figure) i know what to do

[Diezel]

As someone who lost well over 80 pounds in 2 years, the natural, slow, healthy way...

 

Even if you get a session with a personal trainer at a gym, at least once a week, you'll start in the right path. You could even join a place like Crossfit that has a supporting group environment.

 

It seems like you already know how to eat healthy when you put your mind to it.

 

Also, the MOST important thing you need to remember is do this for YOU, not for anyone else. Yes, the lack of sex and interest is a symptom, but you need to analyze why YOU let it go this far and face those personal demons, because if you lose the weight and don't get the desired reaction that you might be looking for, you might gain it back. I did it for ME. I lost it for ME. I lost it because I was on an unhealthy track in life and knew it'd cost me years.

 

If anything, also do it for your kids. They want you around and with a healthy lifestyle, trust me.

[SJS]

Thanks again guys.

I have a request in to talk with a nutrition counselor at my college. I do know what I need to eat...just not how much. And google searching tells me I need to eat anywhere from 900-2000 calories a day to maintain my current weight. So hopefully the nutritional meeting will help me out there. I have started using a food logging app in the meantime.

 

 

Also, hubby has brought up that he is also at the highest weight he's ever been at. He feels awful both physically and mentally. Not to put the blame on him, but I think after that conversation, in reality it's more him than me. He wants to get back to paleo eating, which is when he felt the best.

 

 

Exercise for me is not going as well as I'd like. I did walk with my friend over the weekend and have plans again for this weekend, but during the week I've been swamped with homework and projects. I'm trying to get through another big one due later today and then hopefully tomorrow get moving daily. My dog is giving me a hard time

 

 

Diezel it's funny you mention crossfit. I quit CF about a year ago and they just messaged me that past members get 4 months for the price of 3 so I've been contemplating going back.

[Diezel]

Diezel it's funny you mention crossfit. I quit CF about a year ago and they just messaged me that past members get 4 months for the price of 3 so I've been contemplating going back.

 

Stop contemplating and start doing.

 

Do it.

[Lion Heart]

Thanks again guys.

I have a request in to talk with a nutrition counselor at my college. I do know what I need to eat...just not how much. And google searching tells me I need to eat anywhere from 900-2000 calories a day to maintain my current weight. So hopefully the nutritional meeting will help me out there. I have started using a food logging app in the meantime.

 

 

Also, hubby has brought up that he is also at the highest weight he's ever been at. He feels awful both physically and mentally. Not to put the blame on him, but I think after that conversation, in reality it's more him than me. He wants to get back to paleo eating, which is when he felt the best.

 

 

Exercise for me is not going as well as I'd like. I did walk with my friend over the weekend and have plans again for this weekend, but during the week I've been swamped with homework and projects. I'm trying to get through another big one due later today and then hopefully tomorrow get moving daily. My dog is giving me a hard time

 

 

Diezel it's funny you mention crossfit. I quit CF about a year ago and they just messaged me that past members get 4 months for the price of 3 so I've been contemplating going back.

 

Hi SJS,

 

I think you're doing well. I agree there are all sorts of apps and programs and fancy gadgets you can buy etc.

These things are not gonna do anything to make you lose weight unless you employ them. Sometimes they're simply a distraction from what you already know.

 

Its simple: eat less + move more = weight reduction

 

If your motivation is low for any of this then you're doing the wrong things for YOU.

 

Think about FUN things YOU LIKE to do. Not for H or the dog or anyone else. Just you :-)

 

Depression isn't gonna help here BUT I beat depression with a multi layered approach. For me I had 4 chn, was very poor etc.

 

We needed fresh food. I decided to grow it! Got all sorts for free from groups like freecycle.org & LETS and community gardens.

 

I ended up getting a Scholarship studying in this field and paid work. I ditched that job for a higher paying job BUT NOW grow food at my work place too! Many gardeners say their garden is their gym. Not too many fat gardeners! I've got pecs, great calf muscles and pretty flat tummy (esp after twins!) and have a round toned booty. Amazing what lifting laden wheelbarrows can do.

 

What's YOUR passion? It's just GOTTA BE FUN to maintain it long term ESP with depression. Why make yourself do things you can't stand. No point. It's a cycle you've gotta put a pin in.

 

Your starter thread was very telling. RIGHT NOW before you TRY to keep on and wait till you've lost weight to feel good. What can you do to feel good RIGHT NOW? Yes all those things. Get your hair done, buy sexy underwear, wear nice fragrance, get waxed or shave places if it makes you feel good etc etc. Basically it's all about you! You'd be surprised at the positive reactions you can get just by wearing cool stuff & getting a fake tan!

This so superficial and it's not necessarily gonna make you lose weight but feeling good about yourself will.

 

Don't eat boring food. Create the yummiest healthy food as a treat! I've probably completed 10y of study and I get its very hard. While you're studying, chop up a 3 carrots into sticks and dip them in salsa. Use rice crackers too. Lots of yummy dips to tide you over like hommous.

 

The key thing about NOT EATING crap food is not only NOT to buy it BUT TO buy great, tasty healthy stuff you CAN eat!

Air cooked pop corn in snack bags is a great replacement for crisps etc. How can you replace the snacks. Not just avoid them. Get heaps of food that's extremely low calorie then it doesn't matter how much of it you eat. ...almost! Lol.

 

MOVING more can be put in to every minute you're awake! Put on loud, funky music to do the house work VIGOROUSLY! If you do alot of the house work then make that fun too! Do pelvic floor muscles (yeah they flatten your tummy even before children) while you're washing up, driving and shopping, even studying!

 

Park further away to get the extra walk in. Etc. Make it a game to see how many ways you can insert an extra bit if exercise into your normal day!

 

Lastly I ditched the scales YEARS ago. Also a waste of time! Use your clothes and your mirror while dressed to SEE your changing body. It's not actually weight (mostly) it's how you look and feel. If you FEEL sexy you ARE sexy. Get your sexy back. Make your bedroom a very sexy place. Keep it clean and tidy. Change the sheets, get a lamp with a dim light. Make things smell nice. Put the teddies in the cupboard. Kiss them first!

 

You'll get it. It'll make sense

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[merrmeade]

You're going to feel so much better about yourself for all these self-improvements you've already started. Keep thinking about that - what it feels like to be healthy - and aim there. What a great start!

 

I think sharing some of this with your husband will be good for the both of you in the long run. His support will help you and be good for him, too. When you're feeling better about yourself, think about some kind of couples therapy or weekend programs, dance class or some other activity together.

 

Being busier already will help because you won't have time to eat. The nutritionist is great for a crash course, but something ongoing like Weight Watchers is helpful for keeping you motivated and accountable. Also great program for nutrition awareness and size portions.

 

But the main recommendation I want to give you is to get a trainer that you see once a week. You can find someone that charges a set amount for a certain number of sessions. That way, you've made a commitment for a certain amount of time. Like WW above, KNOWing that someone will be checking on you helps when you want to slack off or gets you back on track when you do. But the main thing having a trainer does is give you a routine that particular trainer uses that you will get used to doing without thinking about it, so you'll do it automatically when on your own - forever. When my husband was going through a medical procedure in another city, I treated myself to 5 weeks with a trainer. Now, I hire one every so often when I feel myself slipping.

[TexasMan68]

If you have Netflix go watch the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead", great documentary that I'm sure will inspire you to make changes in your life. Watch it before you start paying a nutritionist you may just save yourself alot of money. You can also hit his website which is full of great information.