SpiralOut Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I know that I'm not, but the feelings are there. I've grown more aware of it over the past couple of months. I am planning to talk about it at my next psychologist appointment, but that's over a month away due to the holidays. So I'll put something here to get my thoughts out. Some examples of feeling that way.... - worrying that my problems aren't really that bad and that my Dr thinks I am being dramatic and wasting their time - maybe my problems aren't that bad so I am wasting my psychologists time - feeling stressed out when my boyfriend buys me dinner or spends money on me - feeling guilty whenever I book time off work, even if it is for something like a dental appointment which I need to do for myself. I worry that I am going to upset people by doing it (we are short-staffed often) - today I stood up for myself against someone and instead of feeling proud of myself I felt guilty and worried that I had done the wrong thing. - feeling guilty about buying myself clothes even if I need them. - feel uncomfortable in general if someone goes out of their way to do something nice for me On the other hand, if someone treats me like crap I get angry because I understand that I deserve better than that. Most of the time I won't leave, though. I'll stick around because I guess I worry I can't do better? But I know that I can. I've been trying to do nice things myself and it is killing me. I let myself buy fast food for dinner one night since I hardly ever do that. I felt guilty. In general I feel like I am in the way, wasting someone's time, being a pain in the ass, and better off alone doing my own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sm2281 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 you are not worthless. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 you are not worthless. I 2nd THAT! how about volunteering during the holidays? Find a soup kitchen that needs a pair of hands, find a rehabilitation hospital that needs some help, find a old folks home that needs someone to talk to the elderly. By helping others, you will find that you are helping yourself, and learning how great it really is to be you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks. Well I just started volunteering for the garden committee that manages the community garden I go to. Had my first meeting with them last week and it felt really good. They really appreciated that I showed up and joined. I don't meet with them again until next month. There won't be a whole lot to do until Feb/March when we start to get ready for spring. Not sure if I'll have time to volunteer over the holidays as I'll be going away for the long weekend. I guess I can look to see what there is, maybe a one day thing I could do. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I sent you a PM. Watch the video to learn about a method to make lasting change by eliminating negative beliefs quickly. Changed my life! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I can understand your guilt feelings. What was your upbringing like. My parents made me feel like my feelings didn't matter and still do, which made it difficult for me to be assertive for many years. You deserve a little treat once in a while, so try not to feel guilty! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) Thanks FitChick. I am subscribed by email to that. Every now and then something will jump out at me and I'll try it. It doesn't really speak to me but I'll keep reading the emails they send. Pinksugar, I was also treated like my feelings don't matter. If I got angry nobody asked me if I was okay or what was wrong, I was just told to stop doing that. Most of my anger came out after my mother said or did something rude to me. She got away with murder, while if I said even the rudest thing back I was told to stop it. I grew up believing that other people matter more than me, I need to just shut up, standing up for myself doesn't do me any good, nobody cares what I think, it's okay for other people to act how they want but I need to act perfect. Expressing anger is bad, expressing feelings is bad unless it is a "positive" emotion. My mother used to tell me (while alone with me) that she and my father don't get to go out to do fun things because they are stuck looking after me, how they don't get to travel because of how much money it costs to raise me. I grew up feeling like I had ruined my parents lives just by being born. She always told me this as if it were a secret that she trusted me enough to keep. Like she was confessing it to me because she had nobody else she could tell it too. Which is screwed up because she was complaining about me to me. I always felt that I couldn't tell anyone what she said or it would a betrayal. Protecting her mattered more than my own feelings. Edited December 13, 2014 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) You know I've noticed that if I start thinking alot I become depressed. It's all the ruminating and thinking. Edited December 13, 2014 by Thegreatestthing Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Start a gratitude list. That helps me a great deal. A good friend of mine told me that "guilt demands punishment" and that's what you're doing to yourself. Please be gentle with yourself. You're human and its okay to make mistakes or eat fast food every now and then. Stop beating yourself up. Its counterproductive. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts