How to deal with being a damaged person

[spiderowl]

Apologies in advance for long post, I just really need some insights here ...

 

Following recent events, when I drove away yet another nice-sounding guy with my suspicions about his motives, I realised I am in fact a very damaged person. As a teenager, my father seemed to hate just about everything about me and almost every interaction with him was with him being tense and angry. He was under great stress at work and it came out with his family. He frequently shouted at me, threatened me verbally though never hit me, and told me I was rubbish in so many ways. I am not saying he was never kind to me or never said anything nice - he did - but so much of the time he was a threatening, angry, and I guess abusive figure in my life.

 

I suffered depression and hated myself. I was afraid of him, but never dared show it because at some level I felt I had to resist him. He was very ambivalent about the idea of boyfriends, trying to push me into being sociable and going out (when I felt no-one would want to be my friend) and at the same time sneering if he had heard I so much as spoke to a boy. He'd immediately assume the boy was up to no good and that I had to watch myself and that I was stupid and naive. He became very angry with me one time when he brought some people home that he had been doing some work for. It was a late job and they came to our house for tea before going home. With the kind of work he did, this wasn't entirely unusual. The boy was with them and it was late. I was in my dressing gown already, well covered. My father was nasty to me, hissing at me when they could not hear that I should go and get dressed and cover myself up, that I was basically behaving like a brazen hussy. He had brought them in unannounced and I was completely covered and decent so I felt very embarassed and hurt.

 

He frequently shouted at me, was angry, red in the face and clearly waving his fists at me in a threatening manner, as if he was going to hit me but never did. He often said he would kill me. He told me no-one would want me, that I was a terrible person, not good enough for anyone, etc. At the time, I felt desperate, suicidal and suffered with depression. My mother tried to defend me but was ineffective because she herself had a terrible childhood (nightmarish) and had no idea what a happy childhood should be like.

 

For many years, I had thought I was coping, dealing with it, getting over it, not too bad, but I've become conscious recently just how damaged I am inside. I feel like someone battered me even though they didn't, that I am just trying to cover all this up and protect myself. I protect myself so well I don't trust any guy who wants to get to know me. I assume ulterior motives all the time and pretty much tell him so. Eventually, he gives up and then I am shocked and confused and hurt. I think it's because there is a huge discrepancy between how I see myself and how others see me and it is distorting everything. I think I hurt a nice guy this evening by impugning his motives.

 

If it's taken me so long to see why I'm reacting so defensively and that deep down I feel so disgusting, then I can't expect just any guy to understand or to want to cope with these issues. I've had counselling before but I didn't really discuss that much. I guess I just assumed everyone had similar incidents in their youth and that I was just being pathetic. I thought I had got over it and was coping very well. Now I see that the pain and damage is still there and wreaking havoc. How do I stop this destroying what's left of my life? Do I tell a guy up front that there is an issue? Most would run a mile; they don't want emotions or a woman with issues! Counselling doesn't seem to have helped with this much but I was assuming that I was just coping with the normal rough and tumble of life. Now I wonder if I was.

 

Anyway, sorry about the long story. I am writing here to get it off my chest a bit and also to seek guidance on how I can deal with this and how to handle potential relationships. I really can't believe what guys say to me. They tell me I'm attractive and nice and lovely to talk to. Meanwhile, I'm thinking they are just saying it because they think they should; they are only after one thing; they don't know the real me; they wouldn't say it if they knew me. I'm also so suspicious of why they are interested in me. How could they be? Can't they see how disgusting and pathetic I am? I can see on an intellectual level that this disparity between my perceptions and theirs can't all be explained by them being overly flattering to get whatever it is that they want, but deep down the old feelings come up and I keep disagreeing with them and questioning their motives. It can't be nice to be on the receiving end of such doubt and scepticism. I know that, but at the same time I feel I am trying to correct their view of me because I don't want to lie and misrepresent myself.

 

I am wondering if what I experienced was abuse. As I was never hit, I always thought it wasn't, but it's been hugely damaging. How can I put myself on a better path and improve relationships? No-one is going to want someone so damaged and who is hiding such a terrible secret. This has affected me throughout my life in every sphere, but especially at work, where I've had little confidence, and in relationships with men.

Edited December 1, 2014 by spiderowl

[StalwartMind]

There is no doubt it's quite a mouthful for yourself and others to swallow, when one is like you said, in what can be considered a damaged state. In general negative emotions breed negative atmospheres, however I think it's important that you do understand and believe that it doesn't have to be that way. This of course is a lot more easy said than done but once you learn to believe in yourself and others, it'll become a lot more easy to overcome challenges like that.

 

I think it's very natural when one comes from an abusive background, that a seed of doubt and fear is planted in your mind, which has the tragic potential to become rooted deeply. It can and likely will take tremendous understanding of a potential partner to deal with that, but I feel through honest and sincere communication, you can achieve wonders. Like you said most men will probably run away, but I would rather take that as a positive sign since he most likely isn't up to any kind of challenge. A truly understanding person, will have the desire and be able to look past the exterior walls you've had to build in order to protect yourself from being hurt. So while a new person you meet, may think you are surrounded by darkness (negative emotions) within your walls, and only limited people feel brave enough to venture your direction, I'm confident that somewhere inside that darkness is a beautiful person waiting to be pulled into the light.

This of course may be putting things in a bit of a romantic way but I'm sure you understand the meaning behind those words.

 

I do believe you have to change your mindset some in order to let someone in, without the need to compromise any of your ideals. It's perfectly fine to receive compliments likewise to be skeptical towards anyone and their true intentions. I find it best to put myself in the state of mind that everyone is of good intentions until they prove otherwise, and people can very rapidly change that.

 

I prefer honesty as a man and I commend people for being upfront about possible struggles they may be dealing with. It says a lot about a character with how they respond to any given situation. I'm not easily scared away, if anything I have a great curiosity to understand my fellow humans because I feel it's a mistake to just judge and label someone whom I don't even know. People also have vastly different comfort zones, but I feel this is where once again someone with the ability to show empathy is a person whom should be considered greatly.

 

I don't know if you feel an urge to progress in relationships fast, but it's hard to really get to know someone and their true intentions without spending a significant amount of time. Either way you should be able to establish somewhat quickly if a man you are going out with has a good core personality that fits your own views. Like I said, I wouldn't be intimidated by someone whom is very upfront and direct.

 

A good start for you, in my humble opinion, would be for you to realize and tell yourself, that you ARE good enough. Any person capable of sharing their thoughts, feelings and communicating them well, have more than enough ground to move with in regards to creating a healthy friendship or relationship. I know it's easy to question oneself especially when one has faced a life with being told one was doing things wrong or not good enough, but you should understand that in the end, no matter how intense or hurtful, your dad is only a very very very small representation of all the men out there.

 

There is nothing wrong with being cautious, in fact I'd advise everyone to be cautious with anything they do, but I also do strongly suggest that one should feel brave enough to open new doors once in awhile. You'd be surprised at the compassion and understanding other humans are capable of, but it does take risk and choice.

 

It's entirely possible none of what i wrote was very helpful, but it is quite a broad issue to discuss and there isn't really any manual or recipe that will bring immediate success. As with most things, it's about how much effort you are willing to put into things and it doesn't hurt either if you have an open mind because it'll help you see things from other perspectives.

 

While we all can feel desperate at times, that is when we need to regain composure and relax and think things through. No man or woman is the same, even if we share many similarities. As a last thing, I will say this, you should not feel you are doing things wrong, but rather come to the conclusion that you need to improve on a couple of things, like perception of men in general. I'm sure there are many men whom have dodgy intentions but it would be a mistake to disregard every other man, even if there may be similarities between a good man and a not so good man.

[gaius]

You can try therapy spider but the ugly truth is that it's generally not something you can force yourself to overcome. Your body just has to heal itself. Like with any wound. =/ Sometimes it can take a long time and other times it never does.

[spiderowl]

Thank you StalwartMind, you've given me a lot to think about there and you have expressed it so well.

[spiderowl]

You can try therapy spider but the ugly truth is that it's generally not something you can force yourself to overcome. Your body just has to heal itself. Like with any wound. =/ Sometimes it can take a long time and other times it never does.

 

Thanks Gaius, not sure what therapy would help with this and I'm probably too old now. I have tried to make myself more optimistic and trusting but the demon leaps into my head and sabotages things. Some things don't heal, just lay there dormant I suppose.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I do think therapy would help you with that, you need some help and support to go through your doubting times with a guy long enough to see what he's really about instead of acting on your suspicions, I know it's really hard because we need to "listen to our gut" but how do we discern our gut from our self sabotaging habits? I really think that if you get a therapist and be very specific about the issue you will be able to get some tools to keep it from running you so much, good luck to you!!

[gaius]

Thanks Gaius, not sure what therapy would help with this and I'm probably too old now. I have tried to make myself more optimistic and trusting but the demon leaps into my head and sabotages things. Some things don't heal, just lay there dormant I suppose.

You're never too old spider. What's the furthest you've ever gotten with a guy? Do you masturbate at all and stuff? =/ I was very self sabotaging too when I was younger due to bad childhood stuff but I eventually ended up having a random, unexpected sexual experience and it kind of dragged me over the hump and I started getting more and more comfortable with the idea of actually dating someone. Until I eventually took the plunge and did.

 

I don't think therapy can cure whatever is stopping you by itself but if it does enough to get you over that hump just once you might find the part of yourself that's busy trying to stop you suddenly finds it enjoys intimacy too.

[spiderowl]

I do think therapy would help you with that, you need some help and support to go through your doubting times with a guy long enough to see what he's really about instead of acting on your suspicions, I know it's really hard because we need to "listen to our gut" but how do we discern our gut from our self sabotaging habits? I really think that if you get a therapist and be very specific about the issue you will be able to get some tools to keep it from running you so much, good luck to you!!

 

Thanks, I'm certainly thinking about it.

[spiderowl]

You're never too old spider. What's the furthest you've ever gotten with a guy? Do you masturbate at all and stuff? =/ I was very self sabotaging too when I was younger due to bad childhood stuff but I eventually ended up having a random, unexpected sexual experience and it kind of dragged me over the hump and I started getting more and more comfortable with the idea of actually dating someone. Until I eventually took the plunge and did.

 

I don't think therapy can cure whatever is stopping you by itself but if it does enough to get you over that hump just once you might find the part of yourself that's busy trying to stop you suddenly finds it enjoys intimacy too.

 

The problem is not whether I like intimacy, I do! I've been married before. It's getting to know a new guy that's the issue. I assume the worst all the time, but I'm quite fussy too. I know it's getting me nowhere though I've had so many opportunities it's ridiculous!

[carhill]

Have you considered accepting what does happen and simply being unsurprised by 'the worst'?

 

If being 'fussy' is part of your life history, don't expect that basic personality characteristic to change. However, you do have choices in how you express it in words and behaviors. You choose.

 

Good on ya for having so many opportunities. Perhaps that's an indicator that life is giving you more choices to make. With each new opportunity comes infinite possibilities. You're a part of that reality, an important part. It's a wonderful place to be.

 

My takeaway from therapy (MC in our case) was tools. All the underlying crap is still there; it just gets processed differently, as well as gets a wary eye cast upon the reality of it. A more discriminating eye. Being a guy who uses tools everyday in real life, perhaps seeing such concepts as tools makes them easier to digest, IDK.

 

None of us are perfect, nor is life. That said, IMO we're all fortunate to gain life and consciousness and self-awareness so, hey, give it a shot anyway. What happens, happens.

[spiderowl]

Thanks Carhill, not sure what you mean about accepting and not being surprised by the worst?

 

I do agree with the rest. Counselling didn't resolve this for me which is a bit disturbing. I've found some of the techniques I've learned from the 'More to Life Foundation' have been very useful, but sometimes it really does need the perspectives of others as well as techniques.

 

I'm lucky to have had opportunities, but then again they've rarely seemed the right ones, partly because of my suspicions all the time. It doesn't give others much of a chance to show their good qualities and people run out of patience with me, not surprisingly.

 

Thanks for your ideas and understanding, it all helps.

[SpiralOut]

Yes that's abuse.

 

 

I recommend the book Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Her book contains myths and stories, which she analyses according to Jungian psychology. She outlines the different parts of our soul that every woman has. I had a lot of self-hatred (still do to a certain extent) and I found certain parts of the book spoke to me. It was very validating.

 

 

Perhaps therapy didn't help because you hadn't found a therapist that fit well. Have you noticed this pattern before, and did you mention it to the counsellor? If not, then it can't hurt to try again with a different person. Explaining the problem in a different way to someone else might help.

 

 

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. Some people shouldn't be parents.

Edited December 4, 2014 by SpiralOut

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your suggestions SpiralOut. Much as I found a lot of his behaviour scary and threatening, he was good in many other respects. I guess that makes it more confusing but I do look for the same good qualities in men (generosity, for example) and not many seem to have them.