How Do I Get Out of My Own Way?

[ladyrunner21]

Hi guys,

 

I'm really starting to struggle and I'd like some suggestions. I'm a teacher, and I moved up north to move in with my boyfriend (previously was an ldr for two years). I live about twelve hours away from my family. I have never lived outside my town and have never had a serious relationship like this.

 

I got a job up here and he found supply work (also a teacher). After two weeks at my job, I found that I was suffering mentally. I was coming home crying every night, feeling sick to my stomach. I had to quit. My bf understood and said that I've been working hard all my life and that this was a big change. He said I should take my time getting back to it. A few weeks ago, I started supply teaching again while my boyfriend got a permanent position for the rest of the year.

 

Here's my problem though: there are days when I feel totally fine, but there are others where I feel worthless and like I'm not pulling my own weight. There are days when my boyfriend will come home and say something innocent like "I met the kindergarten teacher today, she seems really nice" and I immediately think he finds her attractive. But there are other days when I don't.

 

I know I have low self-esteem, but I don't know how to fix it. All my life, I was always trying to live up to the expectations of others, or simply do things for others because it made them happy (regardless of how it made me feel). But now I'm having a very hard time breaking out of the cycle. I try to keep moving and focus on what's in front of me, because I find that sometimes I'll dwell on stupid things, and suddenly I'm crying. I feel completely fragile and I hate it.

 

My boyfriend is wonderful and is trying to help, but I know this is all me. I can't keep looking to him to make me feel better. I shouldn't need the praise of other people to validate myself. But I do, and I don't know how to fix it. I try to get out with others and do things or find my own hobbies, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

 

Any advice you guys could give me, whether it's books or articles or anything, would be appreciated. Unfortunately, in a small Northern town, there's no option for therapy.

[elaine567]

I live about twelve hours away from my family. I have never lived outside my town and have never had a serious relationship like this.

 

The nub of the problem, you are a fish out of water and have lost the support of your family being with you and the normality of being somewhere you know well. You have lost your confidence and that is understandable.

 

You need to find your feet and realise that you are now on your own and you need to make decisions and do things that make YOU happy and not rely on others to do things for you or for you to do things for them.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is a nice guy, so you do not want to ruin things there. Perhaps a chat with your GP may help and I doubt there is anywhere that has no therapists, if that is what you need.

[Thegreatestthing]

Do not think less of yourself,just think of yourself less.

[Ronni_W]

All my life, I was always trying to live up to the expectations of others, or simply do things for others because it made them happy (regardless of how it made me feel). But now I'm having a very hard time breaking out of the cycle.

If you put that in different words, would it come out sounding something like, "I am having a hard time breaking out of the cycle of being others' doormat, scapegoat, slave"?

 

If so, then it can also be put as, "I am having a hard time being free to be exactly who I am, and do all the things that bring ME happiness and joy", yes?

 

And the truth is that such freedom CAN feel really difficult and dangerous.

 

What are the options that you have, other than staying paralyzed with fear and doubt? What opportunities are there for you take advantage of, because of the fact that you got yourself free from others' expectations and demands?

 

You got yourself free, in the first place -- and that's already a victory for you

Whatever you choose for yourself next will not be a mistake. It will help you learn more about yourself...either what you DO like, and want to be and do; or what you don't. It's win-win, for you. So try anything and everything.

 

Let those other co-dependent people (the ones who counted on you to be their slave, scapegoat or doormat) take care of themselves, for a change. In any case, they're responsible for their own lives...it's also their opportunity to grow and flourish under their own wisdom and power.

 

Make the decision and choice to flourish under your own wisdom and power! (I know easier said that done...believe me, I know. But we still can do it!)

[SpiralOut]

Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes is an amazing read.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/241823.Women_Who_Run_With_the_Wolves