early mid life crisis

[LostOne1]

Well how should I start this...

 

Summer hits in June my grandma gets sick and has a stroke. 2 weeks later she passes away in the hospital.

 

In the mean time I was exposed to black toxic mold in my room. It was hidden in a corner of my room and I had been inhaling it without knowing about it. I developed bad rashes and constant coughing. I suffered a lot for 3 months, because I had to wait till end of August to see a dermatologist.

 

Then I had to drop out of the summer uni semester, because I missed a few classes staying with my grandma at the hospital and catching up would be imposable, I had missed 2 midterms I couldn't repeat. Also my health was getting worse so I withdrew for the summer semester.

 

Then a less than a month after my ex, who had to go on a work trip for 2 months for the summer decided to break up with me while she was on the trip about halfway in the trip. Because I was sick and stressed I didn't contact her as much and our communication suffered. There might have been another guy to, who started to give her the attention at her new place. But she did say she BU with me, because for a week we didn't talk and she needed me the most and I couldn't be there for her.

 

Sad part is I needed her too, but she never contacted me either. I was sleeping a lot or trying to rest a lot. She just assumed I was to busy having fun without her.

 

Sigh.... and today I am back in school and I let one of my friends partly copy my assignment. Well I found out he got caught on top of that I also get in trouble for letting him use my ideas for his paper too. So now I have a professor, who will probably fail me in 3 weeks once our semester is over. As well as my student record having saying I plagiarized and took part in it.

 

I swear it feels like NOTHING is going right for me. Almost like my good luck is so damn shot down. I keep looking for the silver lining.. something positive to happen. I thought passing this class would give me that.. but now.. I don't think it will. I'm still gonna try till the end pass or fail this class, which is only offered once a year.

 

But I feel so beat down from life. I lost my grandma, who was like my mom. I lose my girlfriend, who was my support through hard times like these, I just feel like a loser.. like I don't belong or know what I want to do anymore... where is life even talking me now.

 

I never felt so worthless and I;ve never had this many problems hit me at once. And most of all I miss my ex's support she gave me through all the bad times. I try to find something positive to life to say I'll be okay and get somewhere.. but all I see pain, failure and being confused with myself.

[sam light]

It's a sad fact that bad things happen to all of us. What sets people apart is how they deal with it. Some are easily depressed to the point of thinking life has always been bad. Some are easily depressed for a time, but generaly return to a positive outlook. Some endure powerful, repeated hardships and find the strength to endure and thrive.

 

It's the content of your character that will keep you going.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm really sorry to hear this.

 

I'm sure things will get better eventually.

[LostOne1]

thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah I have gone through tough times before and made it. I am lucky enough to have friends, who always text me daily to see how I am and if I want to go out and talk and all. My family has been good too, they know I'm in pain and as my dad says... "it's like a major injury and you need time to heal".

 

I guess I just feel so hurt mostly because my ex left me. I mean through any bad things that happened to me in the past. My ex was there for moral support and it just felt good knowing I had someone there. Now she's gone.. and when things get bad.. I can really only work it out myself. My ex would always try to help me, but now it;s either me helping myself or im screwed...

 

I lose my grandma and worst of all, we had a prayer this weekend and it brought back all my pain. I saw my grandpa cry at the prayer... and it made me cry too inside.

 

Just made me think of my grandma, then my ex, then everything else going on now. It was so tough to not show tears at the prayer. I held it inside but felt the pain so bad. I kept thinking in my mind.. "why god... why do this to me, why make me lose 2 people that meant a lot and leave me with almost nothing".

 

I just have been feeling worse lately, because of the prayer setting off all my painful feelings. I've been watching LOTS of tv and movies more than usual to keep my mind away from the pain as well as my thoughts.

 

But I never have felt this confused in my life. I'm 25, but I feel like I'm panicking. As if I want to be done school in the fastest way possible and I want to work and start a life. I guess I'm scared I'll end up being nothing or just someone with a crappy job.

 

I'm scared my ex will end up with a better life than me. She will have won the battle of leaving me as almost as if I was worth nothing.

 

I guess deep down I just want what most people I know have... a loving spouse, who would never leave them, a home, my own family, a very good career and job and just to be happy. My ex filled me up with dreams as did I with her.. and now all of those dreams are gone.. for good.