Positive Growth

[Dagorath]

After a recent break-up I have made a goal in my mind to change some things about myself that have become a burden. In short, I want to become more social, and better at meeting women at will.

 

I feel at this point in my life that the women I have dated have come to me by chance, and not by my own actions. There are rare exceptions, but I am still horrible at just walking up to a woman and making conversation or getting a phone number. People tell me it's really simple, but for a guy who thinks too much, I can't help but make this simple issue horribly complicated.

 

In the past, it was more a fear of rejection; however, now that I am older it is more of a fear and awareness of awkwardness. It is not that I am not confident in who I am, it is that I believe what I am, and how I am is not what women are looking for. Allow me to clarify.

 

I think too much - it is one of my strengths academically. I am also arrogant and I believe that I can rationalize the answer to everything. I believe that I define my own world with the best rhetoric I can muster, and I believe that thought, analysis, and self-analysis are not just fun activities that promote personal growth, but also the responsibility of every person to be aware of their choices, actions, weaknesses, and fallacies - as not to burden society with an oblivious nature.

 

I believe that we are all caught in a river in this life. Most people just want to be near other people in the river so they can feel some comfort and normalcy in the stupor of fear and chaos. So people bunch together, never understanding their choices except that other people are doing it, so it must be right. Society is just a gelatinous horde of followers seeking acceptance and confirmation. The thing is, I want to know what else is out there. I want to know what's on the shore, and whether I can affect my own fate in this life. So quite often in life I have departed from the social norm and pursued what I consider to be a better course, a more rational course, a course which others cannot contend is not better - merely they have no opinion.

 

When I was younger, I couldn't turn this thought process off. As a result, I couldn't really get any girl to be interested in me because I wanted to talk about philosophy, and ethics, and profound issues that I find fascinating. They didn't. They wanted to talk about popular things I found completley uninteresting, and so it was difficult to find common ground. These days I am slightly better at it, but I want to grow as a person and become even better.

 

I believe that as an intellectual, I can strategize a way to be good with women while maintaining an certain intelligence. Truthfully, it's all about having a filter. It's not bad to be intelligent with women, and most of them even find it attractive. The issue is that if you can't put it on the backburner and join the social norm, even for a few minutes, and just be a human being (part of that gelatinous horde); then they will never have a chance to know who you are. I think that women want an intelligent man, but not so locked in abstract thoughts that he can't come back down and talk to her like a person.

 

I'm not saying women aren't intelligent, and there are some that are - but in particular beautiful women have a social intelligence that I can't begin to rival. There are men who have this social intelligence too, and despite their fallaices they are so successful with women. I want that. I see some of the stupidest, douchiest, ugliest men with beautiful women, and it blows my mind. It's all about a confidence they carry, despite their flaws. Interestingly, some of them don't even know they are flaws.

 

I always say that being a man is being a car salesman. It's not about what you have, it's about what you can sell. Bad engine? (No mind); sell the paint job. Bad paint job? (Physically unattractive); sell the interior. It's not about being the Lamborghini, it's about appealing to our individual strengths, and not highlighting our deficiencies. While that seems dishonest to me, as I would call omission of the truth a lie - it is the way the dating world works.

 

My problem is that I am painfully aware of my deficiencies, and so I unknowingly project them when I am trying to feign confidence with a woman. I have always been that guy who is kind of awkward at first; but then once a woman gets to know me and realizes that I am loving and have substance - she really comes to like me.

 

Recently, I lost a girl I was dating. There were several reasons, including circumstances like distance, her ex coming back (whom she still had feelings and scars from); as well as insecurities from my past that I didn't know I had bleeding through. I am working to mend all of those, but I think truly the best thing I can do is to take the break-up in stride and get back out there.

 

I have always been a pessimist, but with her I am telling myself that nothing is lost as long as you learn something from it. Well i've learned a ton! I've learned that my attempts to over-analyze my past have twisted and warped my perception of the world - and as such, I carry poisoned notions and distrust. To mend this, I have to accept the humility of this defeat, and tear down the walls I built. I have to make myself vulnerable because walls we build to protect ourselves only imprison us.

 

So I'm getting back out there. For a number of reasons. Obviously she went back to her ex right away, and nothing feels worse than to see someone you cared about move right on like it was nothing, while you return to a place of nothingness. I'm not saying i'm going to go out and try to find someone to take her place. I'm saying that I need something to be excited about again - something to feel optimistic and positive about, instead of feeling pessimistic and sulking over losing her.

 

Also, I need to numb my sensitivity and the way I fall in love so easily. It is because I am inexperienced that I fall in love easily, while others refrain - so when she leaves me for her ex; I am crushed, and it was just another guy she dated. I need to get out there and meet women, date, etc., and lose this nascent sensitivity. I know that sounds kind of morbid, but it's true.

 

My mind goes crazy with strategy, but i'm only subscribing to one... Just try. Go out, and try. Fail, and learn; fail and learn; fail and learn - until you figure it out. I always said that we cannot know day without night, we can't know success without failure. Without its antithesis, these distinctions are perpetual - they are nuetral. Success is made better by the failures which preceeded. I also say that nothing great was ever easy; and it is the struggle in part which vindicates victory. So I'm going to fail - probably a lot at first. Hopefully after the first few I'll learn to laugh it off. I'll learn what not to do, what not to say - and i'll get better at it.

 

I am not one for humility. I can't give up, and I can't give in. So i'm going to fight this by putting myself out there. I'm going to win, because it's what I do.

 

If anyone is still reading, I'd be happy to hear what you think, or hear any advice you have. Thanks for reading!

[Bolainmarsh]

Meet others who are due at the same time as you! Whatever you are going through, you are not alone