jake2.0 Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 i believe the girl i am dating has commitment phobia, which really upsets me because i am really falling for her. and everything i have read on the internet pretty much says to just dump the person before you get your heart broken, and doesnt mention any help or cures for this. She shows just about all the signs i have read about for CP, so i know thats what she has. There has to be some good books out there or something, or at least a few success stories. I want to help her thru this more than anything, not just for both of us, but for her alone too. its like an invisible wall in front of her that she cannot see and cannot get by it. its torture. i'm very upset right now becasuse i though i had met someone very special. any help is very much appreciated.. j Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I think the outcome depends on the person with the CP really wanting to correct it. Some people are happy drifting and not getting in deeper into a relationship than their emotions are ready to deal with. I guess only time will tell. There can always be that one great love....to break down all the barriers. Link to post Share on other sites
afraid Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I believe I am a CP although I have never been diagnosed as such. My advice to you would be: Don't smother her. Don't hover, convince or try to control her. Be independent- give her space- have a life of your own and allow her to (separate vacations occasionally) Don't set your sights on marriage-A long term relationship is very possible BUT don't ever force your hand. As soon as you do. she will run. You may possibly have children with her someday but it might be to hard for her and trigger the need to run from you... maybe taking the children w/ her... maybe not My advice is to live each day, year, decade at a time. Enjoy your freedom within the relationship. She will probably not cheat on you (and remain faithful) until you corner her with marriage or push for exclusivity. I know it is asking alot. But this is the only way I see it for you in the long term. Don't try to tame her. It is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jake2.0 Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 thanks for all the advice, i appreciate it. This is very difficult for me, i never experienced anything like this before. Its almost like falling in love with a robot that has not been programmed to LOVE. We both have so much in common and she really likes me and i like her. I even printed out some info from the net on commitment phobia and showed it to her. She was so upset when she read the stuff and realized it was exactly her. She didnt know she really had a condition. I wanna help her, and she wants me to help her also. But i dont think i can, and thats what just kills me inside. She hates that she gets these feelings of anxiety, and panic, but doesnt know how to get rid of them. I am going to do whatever i can can to help her, but not sure how long i can do it for. Each time i see her makes it harder and harder to leave. I just dont know what to do right now.. j Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Things can change. Before my last relationship, I was extremely commitment phobic, I'd always make myself find flaws and lose interest, the longest relationship I had was three months, and one of those months I was away. But my last one was 2.5 years, so it's all about timing, really. Link to post Share on other sites
Ready2Run Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Hi, I agree on the timing thing. A lot of what is deemed to be CP may just be bad timing. I know, I know…. hear me out. People grow up emotionally as they get older and CP is probably just some stage in our emotional development we go through. Some people get stuck in this stage – don’t confuse them with people who happen to be ‘passing through’ the CP stage. Why do they get stuck there? Hmm…. These are my thoughts … Emotional change is effort (almost like going to the gym or a diet) and if the reward does not seem worth the effort to the individual he or she probably won’t change. Besides, why change if what you have works for you. One day down the line it may stop working for you, then what? CHANGE Five years ago and before that I was not interested in any relationship getting serious. I never gave any of the girls I was with any other impression. Some of them hoped I would change, stuck around for a while and eventually dumped me because I didn’t. Maybe I was a CP back then ….but it was by choice. There are definitely one or two girls who will call me CP for sure! Five years ago I took time off to get my career going. I took me four hard years and some serious isolation but the tide has turned and things are really looking good in the career dept. A year ago I got back into making friends – just that. Then I met a girl…. and one night after about 4 months we kissed…. turns out she is a CP! Yes, yes calm down. Why the long story – to illustrate timing. Why am I here if I think it is just bad timing? Well, I am trying to figure out how do you tell the difference between the ones passing through and the ones setting up camp in the CP zone. Sticking it out with a person who has decided to camp there will not give them any incentive to change in my opinion. From you they will get all the support they crave. You will get none. The one just passing through, now that person is worth sticking it out with and even helping. Flame me for boring you with a long story but don’t flame me for asking advice. Any and all comments welcome! Jake2.0 – sorry, this is probably not what you wanted to hear. R2R Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I am going thru this too, I know my ex is a CP after i read about it more, and yes it is like they are a robot! Do they ever come around? i completely broke all contact but he emailed yesterday and i just deleted it before reading it and i changed my number . Link to post Share on other sites
starfr Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 Hi I just found out I am commitment phobic and don't know what to do. I am very loyal and am not running form relationship as it may seem, I'm just running from my freedom being taken away. It is like a feeling of claustrophobia. It doesn't just stop there, I have to work for myself because god I commit to the exact days of the week over and over. I just discovered that I can't even commit to volunteer work because they wanted me to give them a 6 month commitment. The good news is I am very loving and want that in my life, but...I can not feel boxed in controlled or lectured in any way. Then I freak out inside. How the h_ll do I cure this. Link to post Share on other sites
chrmnldy Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 hello everyone i wanted you to know i read all the postings on here about CP, and I have it myself. my relationships usually dont last over 6 months for the fact i get to pushy with pushing them towards a committment which I know scares most men. LO and behold if i didnt meet the male version of myself....i mean its like talking to myself, and yes he has CP. We were dating, then he got scared and called it off. Both of us realize we have this, and our breakup lasted about 2 weeks, yesterday we met and talked it over. We have decided to work on things again, seeing each other once a week or every other week till each of us is comfortable. If you can handle this its a good way to work with CP, but if you push they will run and if you demand their time when they have other things planned you will loose. BE FLEXIBLE...give them dates you are available, work with their schedule...prove to them that you wont demand all their time and you wont try to control them, and thats the biggest problem with CP...we think in a relationship the other person is out to contol our life and not allow us our freedom. SO be flexible, and not demanding, and things will eventually get comfortable for them to allow you in more. I hate to say it,but dating a person with CP is like hunting big game....patience, learning their habits and making them comfortable with you being around is the surest way for you to get what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by afraid I believe I am a CP although I have never been diagnosed as such. My advice to you would be: Don't smother her. Don't hover, convince or try to control her. Be independent- give her space- have a life of your own and allow her to (separate vacations occasionally) Don't set your sights on marriage-A long term relationship is very possible BUT don't ever force your hand. As soon as you do. she will run. You may possibly have children with her someday but it might be to hard for her and trigger the need to run from you... maybe taking the children w/ her... maybe not My advice is to live each day, year, decade at a time. Enjoy your freedom within the relationship. She will probably not cheat on you (and remain faithful) until you corner her with marriage or push for exclusivity. I know it is asking alot. But this is the only way I see it for you in the long term. Don't try to tame her. It is futile. Terrible advice Afraid. If he does what you suggest than he is not getting from the relationship what he needs...a fully committed partner. Why should anyone settle for anything less than what they want out of a relationship, especially on such an important issue as commitment. If I were him, then I would ask her if she feels afraid of commitment, hear her out, and then ask her if she is willing to work towards conquering her fears through couples counseling. If she isn't willing, then she's not completely engaged in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Jtizzle Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 I used to have commitment phobia, well im not sure if i am completely over it now.but when i dated men, i would tell them heads up how i would act and so on..i hated being with a person for over a month,something just scared me about that.. so with knowing that my ex waited for the last week of the month when we would have been together for X amount of months and he would actually anticipate me showin my ass out..he basically worked with me thru my cp prob..and now i somewhat see that relationships arent that bad to be in..i guess i avoided them in order to not get hurt, or to do the hurting first or so.. u shouldnt be discouraged, you two should talk about it, and if she is cp, then you should be comforting to her and know that it isnt your fault or what you are doing in the relationship you two have...all i can say is be supporting and maybe she can turn around if she indeed does have cp Link to post Share on other sites
Jtizzle Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by jake2.0 Its almost like falling in love with a robot that has not been programmed to LOVE. the other way you can help her...thru the cp and what u stated above..is show her how to love.. Link to post Share on other sites
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