Improving myself but wife doesn't care

[Gaprofitt]

Hi All,

 

I have a question, my wife left me July 1st with our son and filed for divorce. Since she left to be honest I have been destroyed. I have took a hard look at myself the days after she left and realized I had some work to do. I immediately started with two counselors improving myself and some of the behavior I had exhibited in the marriage. I also started going to the gym a lot.

 

I have spent a lot of money with dual counselors working on myself and understanding my wife's feelings and concerns. We have an 11 month old child.

 

I keep referring back to a July 2nd email where she said she would think about giving me another chance if I could get my stuff together by the temporary hearing which just happened a week or so ago.

 

I am the type person who is beyond passionate about fixing something when I see where I went wrong, my counselors have allowed me to focus on becoming a better person and I have a deep understanding now of how to approach our issues and I have a completely different attitude and values than I did when she left. I will also continue to do the counseling for myself regardless if she returns or not.

 

She has been brutally mean to me during the divorce, I mean horrible. She put on a no-contact order, has cancelled my visitation once with my son and threatnened to my sister-in-law to do it again. Admittently I sent way too many emails trying to reach her heart and pushed her to the no-contact order. I'm beyond that now but still want to save my marriage if possible. We have mediation scheduled for next month.

 

I am really struggling with why if you see a man who you love is more than apologetic and is willing to do the work for the marriage and himself why she would just move on. I also don't understand all the anger and rage toward me, she knows me very well, i'm a sensitive guy and she drives drives over me, backs up and drives over me again and again. It just hurts so bad.

 

We have never been to marriage counseling or even individual counseling now we both are in individual counseling. I just don't know how you throw away an 8 year marriage with an 11 month old son we both love that quickly.

 

Greg

[KathyM]

The more you beg and plead, the more annoyed your wife will get. All you can do is to continue to work on yourself, and hope that when she sees how you have changed, she'll reconsider. That's all you can do. It's too bad you didn't take this seriously enough to change and make the effort BEFORE she left. It's pretty hard to get her back once she has made the decision to leave. Sorry I can't be more optimistic about your situation.

[The Tallest One]

I've been in the same boat four years ago when my wife left me with our two little baby boys! We were together 12 years and after she left we saw counselling together but after four sessions she decided she didn't want to try anymore! I also hounded her with texts and calls but it didn't work. Thank god I'm over her now but it was hell for over two years!

[pteromom]

Improve yourself for you, not for her. Either she will see the changes and give you another chance, or she won't, but either way YOU will win by bettering yourself.

 

You can't control what someone else does.

[Gaprofitt]

The more you beg and plead, the more annoyed your wife will get. All you can do is to continue to work on yourself, and hope that when she sees how you have changed, she'll reconsider. That's all you can do. It's too bad you didn't take this seriously enough to change and make the effort BEFORE she left. It's pretty hard to get her back once she has made the decision to leave. Sorry I can't be more optimistic about your situation.

 

That's ok, i'd rather you all be honest. I'm also honest with myself and the work I need to do, rather or not she comes back i'm changing for the better. I may not have her but I can love someone else and not make the same mistakes. I'm learning not to hold on but to change for the sake of changing.

 

Greg

[Gaprofitt]

Thanks all for the insight and words, this board has helped me tremendously. I still am losing weight and barely sleep at all. I have some good days and some bad days and it feels like a roller coaster.

 

The biggest thing that bothers me is after we had our child she decided our bad marriage wasn't something she wanted our son being brought up in.. I agree with this but it's an 8 year marriage, 12 year relationship. I feel like she just gave up with not a whole lot of effort. Now our son is going to have divorced parents for life and he's not even a year old.

 

Since she left I haven't heard one comment about me, how am I doing, etc. She has simple focused on her opinion and her self only, she hasn't cared at all about how I feel, how my family feels or anything. God has that been painful. The not letting me see my son, cussing out and being rude to my family, I just feel like I don't deserve that.

 

In the meantime I am doing everything I can with counseling, discussing my past and all my issues that lead to the unhappiness of my wife and my issues that caused some of those. The counselor has been incredible with changing my behavior, getting me to think more positive and make better decisions. She's convinced I have a passion to become a better person and even she doesn't understand why my wife wouldn't accept me admitting my downfalls and try again especially with our young son.

 

My wife was pretty submissive and didn't like confrontations and didn't communicate well at all, I think we are seeing a 360 degree turnaround now where no one else matters.

 

I'm slowly learning I can't dwell on the past nor can I sit around and wait on her, I have to continue to better myself and move on. I can't worry if she's mad because she think's I'm dating or try to understand why she is so angry, I tell myself maybe I should tell her i'm not talking to anyone nor dating to calm her down. It's just crazy how angry and brutal she is.

 

I'm hoping her anger will subside and she will realize she jumped out too quickly and didn't even give me a strong chance to show her what I am capable of for our family. If that chance never comes that's fine too, that's her decision and I can't control that. It's just sad for our son.

 

Greg