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self reflection and philisophical rants


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PelicanPete

I often write in a diary or a journal which has really helped me grow and progress as a person, its my creative outlet so to speak. Instead of having the same thoughts bouncing around in my head all the time, I'm able to write them down and over time nourish them into bigger realizations about my life and the world around me. Since they have done me a lot of good, perhaps it will do others good as well. Starting today, I'll make an effort to move my writings from this point on to this thread, and people can feel free to creep, laugh, hate, have an epiphany or two, or even say their piece.

 

 

 

What is it about space that is so fascinating to me? Maybe because it is one of the more obvious mysteries and beauties of being alive. I find it funny how for the longest time I saw the night sky as just sort of a wallpaper to my world, while a better analogy would be a window to what's outside of it. If I was a bit more mathematically inclined, perhaps I would be in school to study astronomy instead of psychology. It's so human of me to just have all of my worries disappear when I stare up at the night sky. It relieves me of all responsibility like an authority figure, and makes me feel so incredibly insignificant. My identity dissolves and I feel like just one in a trillion of this planets life. The earth is just a spec of the sun, and the sun isn't even the size of a molecule compared to the largest star VY Canis Majoris, and even that star is only a freckle on the skin of the universe. I feel the only way to understand space is to shed who we are, for defining ourselves as something or someone limits our thoughts. I never really get to talk to many people about the space because it creeps them out, they don't like to think as themselves as what they really are.

 

I notice that it is human nature to have some sort of an authority figure in our life. Which came first I wonder, conscience or authority in society? Was it already programmed into us, or did we evolve into that sort of thinking?

 

Reflecting on my past memories and my wrongs, I always first looked for someone else to blame other then myself when I got in trouble, whether it be parents saying "they told me it was ok", or a boss by saying "well I'm just doing my job", a government "I don't make the rules, its the law", even when I was broken up my initial thoughts were "it's all her fault I'm unhappy". Or If I were religious I might be even saying things like "It's Gods plan, its Gods Will". In the end it was my actions and my choices that led me to this, therefore it doesn't matter who influenced me to do it. What is important is to do what is right to you, if you were doing such you wouldn't need to be blaming anyone else. I had role models and I use their examples as a way to live my life, but the whole time I was missing one of the most important parts to admire about them. They are essentially living and doing what they feel is right to them, and not to other people. That should be the only thing I'm doing the same as them, for I should only be trying to be myself. I will be no use to anyone including myself If I try to be someone I'm not.

 

One of the first and most important lessons I learned in Psychology was about the philosophy of "Being and Becoming." I am being who I am now, but even as I type this I am becoming. I am a son, a young man, a student, an employee, a brother, a friend, etc. But I am also becoming so much more. I may well be becoming a father, a grandfather, an elder, a doctor, a husband, a mentor, a corpse, and so on. There is that core of being that makes me an individual, but everything else around my life is changing and whirling like an atom. I am becoming the man I always dreamed of with every passing second, and I'm sure when I am finally being that person I always wanted to be one day, I will start to become someone else. Being and Becoming is so much more then just a human life span, but a law of the universe. I will even be becoming after death, which is only another stage of life.

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Hey Calamity, great story :). It's always the simple things in life that give the most. Feel free to add whatever you feel like writing.

 

 

Like many others my break up was a life changing experience. I thought I had my life figured out, structured, planned, and ready to go. I never realized how much my plans were balanced on another person, and all it took was her saying she didn't love me anymore to cause everything to come crashing down.

 

Once I defeated my initial depression, I decided I wanted to start learning acrobatics. It was something I always found so amazing yet so under appreciated. Their body is not a cage as it is to many, but a vanquisher of the near impossible. They turn their world upside down by choice and thrive in it. They struggle and persist against how things are suppose to be, and show there is beauty through suffering. They practice endlessly and even though their mistakes lead to great pain, the result is worth every minute. It takes great balance, strength, and flexibility, both physically and mentally, which were qualities I was especially parched of after my recent experience. With hindsight it feels almost natural that I chose to pursue this, for it was something I always found attractive.

 

With a physique comparable of a young Morrissey, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Growing up I was always the awkward, tall, and lanky Pete. I was coordinated and agile, but it was rarely recognized and definitely not expected. I have the genetics of height first, weight later. Tenth grade was my most physically awkward year, standing 6'2 and weighing only 130 pounds. I was flailing skinny limbs during P.E, and even though a lot of girls found me very attractive I still didn't love myself so what was the point. I started going the gym which was an uphill battle from the beginning. Through a lot of suffering, discipline, and dedication I managed to put on 5-10 pounds a year

 

As I aged my awkwardness loosened its grip but never released. After my breakup I was ready to bury the old me by becoming who I always wanted to be. I soon started doing body weight exercises and trying to hold a handstand against the wall everyday until I hit general fatigue and was forced to take a few days to rest. After two months I was happy with how far I came. Regular pullups were no longer a challenge so I started adding weight to it. My pushups became explosive and I started doing different variations to make myself struggle, and I adopted the ability to spider up the wall with ease and hold my weight on my shoulders and hands for a minute.

 

I felt learning to handstand was a metaphor for my break up. I remember the first time I was upside down against the wall staring at my hands. The blood was rushing to my head, a distressed look on my face, I was unable to breathe, and the strain on my body was incredible. My arms started to give and I started to panic. I tried to move away but only ended up falling on my face. My body was throbbing and I sat on the floor thinking it was impossible, that I'll never be able to do this. I forced myself to keep going and keep trying, and with every attempt it became less impossible.

 

I always believed it was equally as important to challenge your body just as much as your mind and spirit. Your body adapts and becomes stronger through suffering just as your mind and spirit. Since our body is our physical presence and our capsule through life I've always felt its important to challenge and train it to become the best it can possibly be. We are meant to move and be active, so respect and honor its requests and it will reward you. There is either a dualism or a unity between mind and body, either way they are connected. And after all, you are only as strong as your weakest link. Our action [body] determines thought [mind], and our thought determines action.

 

To this day I am no master acrobat, but I have come a long way from where I started. I have learned the staple of all acrobatics, the handstand, and although I am happy with my accomplishment I want to be able to do it with perfect straight form which is still a work in progress. I have developed a considerable amount of strength and balance, and have adapted physically, mentally, and psychology to my world being turned upside down. I know in time I will become exactly who I want to be which will make me feel complete, but as of right now training 6 days a week and working towards my goal gives me that same satisfaction.

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hey man just wanted to say i found your first two writings not only interesting and thought provoking, but inspiring too. keep it up bud.

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Hey Jono thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I'm glad you could take something from this :)

 

I enjoy learning from animals. Although he never meant to teach me anything, I learned some of the most meaningful and important life lessons from my dog while he was alive. We went through a lot of hardships together during childhood. He would always be there for me and support me no matter what, which I have yet to experience from any human during my lifetime. He was the best friend I ever had, and I still beat myself up over not being there with him when he passed, even though it was out of my control.

 

He was always happy which baffled me for a long time. I always wanted to adopt his optimism, his loyalty, and his inner strength but didn't know where or how to begin. Being educated in psychology the answer is now clear to me, however when I started this goal when I was about 10 years old I had no idea. I wasn't even aware that the choices I was making while growing up were nourishing these qualities inside of me, and subconsciously I was fulfilling what I wanted to achieve. Consciously I was only doing what I felt was right, simple, and obvious.

 

All three of these qualities are branched from a single idea of living in the moment, and in order to make the goal of living in the moment you have to make your life as simple as possible. If you have trouble focusing on things because there is too much stuff going on in your life, it makes it very difficult to be physically and mentally present. Therefore I chose to surround myself with as little distractions as possible, starting with possessions.

 

There is the obvious difference between want and need. There are countless materialists today that live in a wheel of desire where those two concepts seem to become muffled. Too many people identify themselves with objects which is like trying to fill a bottomless well. They see something they want, but feel they need in order to make themselves complete. They have this empty feeling up until they finally get this object or thing and for a period they are feeling happy, up until of course they see something else they feel they need. It's a vicious cycle that only leads to unhappiness. Possessions in the end only cause stress. We are born in this world without anything but ourselves, and everything else is just tipping the scales.

 

With modern technology today and cell phones that act as cameras/messengers/phones/computers/etc, they provide a glaring and stressful distraction. Like everything in life, take everything in moderation. Technology is suppose to serve us, not the other way around.

 

The most important part of living in the moment is doing whatever you're doing to 100% of your ability. Personally I feel a lot more satisfaction with myself if I know I've the best I could, and through practice this becomes habit. If I am unfocused and thinking about yesterday or what's might happen later, I don't feel as satisfied with whatever I am doing, because I am not even paying attention to what is right in front of me. Countless times have I made myself something to eat, and then end up not even enjoying it because I'm not even focused on the eating, but rather reading a book, or listening to the radio, or worrying about something that might happen later that day. It wasn't until I decided to sit at the table in silence and focus on every bite I took of my meal did I realize how good of a cook I was :laugh:.

 

If you're at work, focus 100% on working and doing your job. If you're driving, turn off the radio or any other distraction and just focus on the road. If you're spending time with someone, focus only on them and not what you have to do the next day. You will start to notice yourself become happier, because you're dealing with everything one at a time rather then all at once.

 

Think of yourself being asked to move a pile of boxes. Sure you can try to stack all the boxes on top of each other and lift them all at once, but chances are that's going to be too heavy for you and cause a lot of stress. It's always much easier to make a few trips :)

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I keep thinking of something a co-worker told me that was truly beautiful. She is an elderly woman that was recently hired and I was training her so we had some good conversations. She was telling me about how her and her husband live on one of their boats and the exciting adventures they have together. She also told me that her husband loves to sail, but after all these years of going on marine adventures together shes grown tired of sailing. She lets him go on trips without her for weeks sometimes even months at a time, and she says during those periods she misses him and hopes he comes back safely. Then I said something along the lines of "it must be hard having him away all the time". She says "It is hard, but sailing is his passion and I'm not going to get in the way of that. His passion is what makes him who he is, which is the man I've been inlove with for over 40 years. I wouldn't love him if i got in the way of his dreams. I admire him for having something in his life he feels so strongly about".

 

With my last relationship consisting of her being clingy and restricting what I can and cannot do, it was refreshing to hear this. I hope someday I'll be lucky enough to have a woman like her.

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It's late and I'm tired having to get up early tomorrow, but I have the urge to write about something. I don't even know what I want to write down, but I've been hung up on an idea I've yet to identify. I know I won't be able to sleep until I at least get a piece of it.

 

I notice whenever I assume or try to put a result on something, it never goes the way I thought it would. I heard this many times before how things never go the way you plan, but as you experience life I notice that mainstream common knowledge starts to become more meaningful once you apply it. As people we don't really know anything, even the majority of ourselves is a mystery. I feel as if I have a strong sense of self, yet in reality my interpretation of who I am is probably just a drop in the ocean.

 

I thought I knew my ex gf, but it turns out once I had that idea in my head I started to understand her less from my expectations of her. I thought I knew what life would be like when I am the age I am now, but it turned out to be far different then how I expected it. Even the little things like at work I ask people if they want their receipt and get constantly denied, and the one time I think "she doesn't want her receipt" it turns out she does. I start to identify key themes and patterns in how life is going to go, but by thinking I know the answers does that really mean it's correct? Or are these patterns just ways of trying to know something I'll never understand.

 

Maybe that is why I am so reluctant to put a result on who I am and what I want out of life. By putting a result on something it's like it's finished. I don't want this version of me to go anywhere, and I don't want to think I know all about myself and eventually stray onto a shadow of myself that is lesser. I love exploring and nurturing this interpretation, and I feel with time it's the closest I'm going to get.

 

Maybe the expression "knowing is half the battle" should run more along the lines of "not knowing is the battle". The second you "know", you label. Nothing is ever static, so eventually you'll be reading the wrong label. By never thinking I know who I am, I will always grow in whatever direction I please. Our thinking desires knowledge and knowing what something is, but maybe that mindset can only take us so far.

 

When we had to do a self reflection project for psych, my prof said "don't put a finished result on it, you have to nurture that thought or idea and let it do the talking" It's like trying to hold water [the essence of life]. We grasp, and we have nothing. Only by embracing and letting it flow into your hand do you get what you want.

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I have a few topics that I've been brainstorming about, but I want to get the most developed and dominant one out of my head first since it's taking up the most space. It's about role models.

 

Role models are important for anyone of any age, because as humans we use other people to develop who we are. We look up and admire people because we feel those people in some way define who we are or who we want to become, therefore we are more prone to pick up those peoples qualities. They provide a template for an aspect of ourselves we want to nourish, so that we don't have to try to pull something out of thin air. All we have to do is colour it in.

 

Of course we have different role models as we go through different stages in life. New challenges and situations arise and we look to someone else for inspiration, trying to adapt their qualities that will help us. At 20 years old I want to share some people that inspire me and who I admire, and maybe they will inspire you too.

 

Jack Lalanne is one of my role models. He shared a lot of the same philosophies about the mind and the body as I do, and even his feats of strength alone are worthy of admiration. He sealed the deal for me with my doubts of growing old, and helped me look forward to becoming older. He had a lot of optimism and kindness, which helped solidify those qualities in myself and smile. I'm working towards becoming strong like him, mentally and physically. I know if I keep up what I'm doing now, I will be one day.

 

Jeff Buckley has been a big role model for me for a few years now. He is still teaching me about passion and beauty to this day. I remember when I first came across his music I didn't like it at first. I kept listening to it though, and once I stopped thinking what I thought it should sound like, and just listened, it was beautiful.I soon became enthralled with his lifes story, and I now own all of his albums and have watched an abundance of his interviews and live performances. Every inch of him was beauty and passion, you could feel it in every word that came from him and that spark in his eyes. He loved life and had an appetite for it far greater then most. He has taught me to see beauty in everything and always put yourself in what your doing, bring it to life.

 

William James is another role model of mine. I've read a lot of his writings and he is by far the most intelligent man I've ever come across. He would say phrases in different languages if he felt he couldn't describe it well enough in english, and was the first American psychologist. He taught the first psychology course at Harvard which hundreds of people attended his lectures, even Freud. He was forced through medical school by his father even though his passion was art. He fell into a deep depression after he was awarded his MD when he was my age, and eventually conquered his sadness with the thought of "my first act of free will shall believe in free will". A lot of his views of life are identical to mine, which helps validate and motivate my choice for psychology as a career. I want to see the patterns of life as well as he did.

 

An unlikely and recent role model for me is Tupac Shakur. I'm not much of a rap fan, I'm not black, I didn't grow up in a ghetto, but there is something very powerful about him that I'm drawn to. He is the kind of man I want to become, full of courage, vigor, and knowledge. He stood up for what he felt was right, and never gave into fear. He didn't fear death, if anything he was waiting for it. He went to prison, he was shot 5 times, and was surrounded by discouragement, but none of that made him disappear. He was a warrior all the way through, and I admire his resilience.

 

Maybe its cliche, but the only living role model that I have right now is my dad. We've never seen eye to eye, we're polar opposites, and I don't agree with a lot of his choices and his outlook of life, but there are some things that I admire about him. He has a lot of experience and knowledge about how things work. He is a handyman and can build anything, from fences to houses to cars to bikes. He can fix just about anything, and does everything himself. Now that I am grown up, he has told me he regrets the type of father he was to me and that he was sorry for never teaching me anything. I hope I have even half of his brand of knowledge when I am his age.

 

In the end, all of these people made their own path rather then follow someone elses, which is the most admirable thing of all. I don't want to become a mixture of all these people, I just want to be me. These people will help me accomplish that.

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God, tonight I am a bit frustrated. As humans we struggle to think "rationally" and live a life that rationally makes sense, and then things like emotions come into play and stir the pot. Can't have one without the other I guess, otherwise life would be pretty boring right?. Right when everything in my life was going according to plan and structured, I am observing my thinking become clouded with a potential relationship.

 

I went to the bank today before work and she was my teller. Being out of a relationship now for 8 months and enjoying the single life, I wasn't planning on thinking of another relationship for a long time, that is until I came across this girl. Now I don't get crushes on girls very easily, I've had about 3 my whole life out of the many potential girls I've come across, but this young woman made me feel different. She made me feel so calm but so nervous at the same time. I have only gotten butterflies twice in my life, and today talking to her was one of those times!

 

What makes it so much more different was that I didn't envision her as a "crush", but I still saw her as a normal person. She didn't have that crush quality that made her have that special glow in my mind, and I didn't put her on a pedastel assuming she is a certain type of person, but she just seems human to me. She isn't all I can think of, but she's just been in the background of my mind all day. I never experienced something like this, maybe it is because I'm so skeptical and doubtful of this ever materializing.

 

She seems at least a year older then me, I don't know if she's even single, she goes to a different university then me in a different city, I'm not even 100% sure if she was interested in me or just being extra friendly, I'm working like 6 days a week, and I don't know a whole lot about her. What I did learn about her though is we have a lot in common regarding career paths, and it looks like she works out too.

 

I don't know what to make of this. :mad: I get my paycheck at the end of the week. I guess I'll be making another trip to the bank soon.

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I think you write beautifully!

 

Hey thank you! I appreciate it :)

 

 

 

I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something today. I woke up to rain in mid July, not really feeling like myself. I got a phone call from a friend asking if he can borrow my car for the day. Today was my day off and I didn't have to be anywhere so I told him to go ahead. I planned on practicing my macaco [similar to a back handspring] at a nearby park, but aside from the fact it was pouring with rain I just had no energy. I did a few handstands, and did a couple front lever attempts on the pull up bar, but by my third attempt I was just exhausted. Considering the staples of my diet are bananas and cashews, I found this unusual. If energy could be portrayed as an gas in the body, it felt like it was all bundled up in my chest rather then spread out evenly across myself. Regardless, I made the decision of listening to my body, and that choice was enforced with the feeling of wanting to lay down. I ignored it for about an hour while I browsed the net, but I eventually decided it would be a good idea.

 

I was wide awake but I had to urge to close my eyes. As soon as I did all I could sense was the silence inside my house and the rain hitting the roof outside. I finally realized I wasn't suppose to do anything today. The rain and lack of transportation telling me not to go anywhere. My strange lack of energy telling me not to do anything. I was just suppose to listen to myself. I soon opened my eyes fully conscious and realized an hour had passed. I went downstairs and opened the dryer to find my clothes all wrinkled :laugh:.

 

I haven't felt like myself all day. It's getting late but the energy I didn't spend today is finally kicking in and I'm antsy. What I also found odd today was when I went to unfold my glasses earlier one of the temples broke off. Being a man that believes everything happens for a reason, ontop of studying symbolism in my spare time, I took this as a sign. Perhaps I'm not seeing how things are as clearly as I think with the bank teller. Maybe getting to know her better is more of a desire rather then something I feel I have to do.

 

It turns out I'm not working tomorrow either, but since it's pay day I will stop by and pick up my paycheck before doing some errands in town. I'll go to the bank to deposit my cheque with a teller, but I won't force anything and just let things reveal themselves. If it turns out shes working that day and I naturally end up with her as my teller, I will feel things out and try to make an effort in learning more about her. On the other hand, if it doesn't turn out that way I'll be happy just letting sleeping dogs lie. I have the sense that tomorrow will be judgement day :laugh:. Either way, I know I will feel more like myself when it's over.

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So I returned from my errands a few minutes ago. All of them uneventful until I went to the bank of course.

 

It was busy as hell in there, at least 30 people infront of me and all six tellers were working frantically to try to move people along. I scan the employees upfront and sure enough she was working today. She was engrossed with a customer that was obviously making a large transaction. As the line moved along and the 30 infront became 20, everytime I looked at her she became more attractive. She started to develop that glow about her and the rest of the world just became the background. As I was observing my perception of her change, the rational side of me was thinking "Sh*t Pete, whats happenin' here?"

 

I started staring off at walls and reading posters until the 20 infront became 15. I looked over at her and she was stepped away from the till waiting for the manager to sign something [he was dealing with a customer]. While she was waiting she kept looking directly at me in the line of at least 30 people. When I would look directly at her she would quickly shy away. This happened a couple of times until one time she just continued to look at me. Our eyes locked and I gave her a friendly smile. Right after that, the manager then was finished and she quickly intervened before another person came and had him sign it. The line was strangely at a stand still and she finished with the customer and began to pretend to look busy until there were only 6-7 people infront of me.

 

She got another person with that was wanting something abstract, so another teller came over to help. 5 people ahead of me soon dispersed to other tellers and I was almost next. I began to get a bit nervous with only one person infront of me. My hands were almost clammy from being in my pockets and I glanced over at her to see that she was focused on learning how to do what was requested with another teller showing her step by step. She was almost finished, but alas a different employee finished before her and I was called over.

 

I now feel like an idiot. I feel like myself at least, but I am now nurturing a crush.. She must have some interest in me for me to catch her staring at me a few times. I'm now filled with questions charged with emotional bias which is making it hard to distinguish obvious from wishful thinking. I was hoping I would get a blatant answer today. I was figuring she would just completely ignore me but her actions seem to prove otherwise. Ugh!

 

I don't really have any other dire reasons to visit the bank anytime soon. I have about $100 in change because when I pay in cash I always just pay in bills and throw the coins in a chest when I get home. Or I could even pay off my credit card in person instead of online. I'm not sure what to do now. If anyone wants to give advice, feel free.

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Yes I've been thinking a lot! I admit most of my thoughts have been thinking about the teller, but recently it just evolved into some bigger questions about life that I want to write down before it slips back to the fringe of my mind.

 

I was initially thinking "Why am I thinking about this girl so much? What is it that's so exciting about her that makes me can't take my mind off her." The answer is nothing really. She has taken an interest in my life, shares a similar career path, and is beautiful. Instead, I notice I am using her more as an idol symbolizing the future and what could be. Will she say yes if I ask her out to coffee? Will we share similar ideas and lifestyles to the point that we will embark in a relationship? Would she break my heart? Would she challenge me? Will I end up marrying her? All of these questions and many other possibilities of spending my future with this person I hardly even know as of now. That is why I feared and tried to avoid "crush mode". She now represents so much more to me, and I hope that I don't lose touch with who she actually is and who I think she may be.

 

With that said, It is safe to come to the conclusion that I am excited for the future. Everything that has been coming my way, whether it be good or bad, I have been looking forward to because I know it will bring me a step closer to who I will become. I wonder what I will be like in 20 years. Would I even recognize the life I have then compared to the life I live now? How much more knowledge will I pick up over the years and how will I apply myself to life? I know if I continue this mindset I will be everything I am now and more. That is what makes me look forward to the future. I look forward to age, experience, struggle, and growth. The twists and turns my life will take and how I will handle it.

 

I even look forward to my last moments of life, with my last browse of all the memories I acquired over the years. All the different types of people I met, all the places I've been, all the things I've seen, and all the different people I were as I aged, and all of the things I affected for better or worse by my existence. The only thing I fear about death is being reborn. I know a large portion of who I am, my thinking, my appearance, my abilities, are bound to this body. I don't want to be anyone else, and I don't want another try. I want to get it right the first time and leave it at that instead of living poorly and trying to comfort myself with thoughts of getting another shot at life as a different person. Resurrecting as another human and living with different thoughts, ideas, perceptions, and experiences only sounds like hell.

 

I feel those who fear death are those who have regrets. They aren't happy with their life and they don't want to end on a bad note. It feels like a deadline to give their life purpose, which leaves them living in fear for they never know when that deadline is. I think one of the main purposes in life is understanding yourself. It is a case of the one and the many. By understanding who you are, you are able to bring purpose to the many. And through trying to understand the many, you bring purpose to the one.

 

I sometimes feel silly reflecting on my behavior and writing down my thoughts so often. There are many that feel psychology is a useless science, and that I should do something more practical like engineering or math so that I can help the world. I sometimes think to myself how am I helping the world by thinking about my life and my experiences? What's the point? I then realize that there is no point unless I discover one in myself. My reality is determined by my thoughts. Even though we all live on Earth, just imagine how different all of our lives are just by being different? We all see the world through our own self understanding.

 

I simply do not fear death because I have complete fulfilment of the person I am now. I am not rich, I am not famous, I am not powerful, but I don't have to be because life doesn't owe me any of that. Even though I may be desiring more for the future, it already feels like I have everything I need right now. When I think of death, I feel that I have nothing to lose because I already have it all.

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Isn't it funny how things all fit together when you stick to your guns and think positively?

 

I have been looking for a new car for a few months. Although my car is still running [after 205,052 miles for you 'mericans], I didn't see it as a practical vehicle for all of the commuting I would be doing next year. I had my eye on this one car for a few days, but it was out of my price range and I wouldn't be able to afford it without taking a loan. I wanted to pay for this car on my own as a pride thing, and I refused to take any loans from my parents. I told them I would rather pay for a less quality car on my own, then blow all my money and be in debt to them for a higher quality car. They argued that a cheaper car might have more mechanical issues. A more expensive car could still have issues, but the difference is that I would be able to afford the repairs on a cheaper car then going into more debt trying to repair the higher quality car.

 

So anyway, coincidentally when Loveshack was down yesterday my dad and I were looking up cars. He came across the one that I had my eye on, except it turns out the owner dropped the price into something I could comfortably afford. Called him up immediately and went down to look at it. It was better then anything else I've seen in that price range. It had the quality of a middle class house wives car which made me excited, since my previous car is pretty much a go-kart. I made sure my dad came along with me since he's a mechanic, and verified that everything looked great on it. We settled for his asking price, put a deposit on it, and will be paying the rest in a few days. I don't want to go on about what type of car it is for privacy reasons, but the year of the car is the same year wikipedia launched, the motor vehicle company was founded in 1903, and you really have to concentrate on the clues to figure out the model ;).

 

If you think that's the only good thing that has happened out of buying a car, you're mistaken! I put a deposit on the car simply because I wasn't packing thousands of dollars in my back pocket at the time, but guess where I am going to have to go on Monday in order to get a certified cheque?

 

The bank :D.

 

I made sure to include the car story first so you readers didn't think I was too emotionally blinded. No I didn't buy a car just for an excuse to talk to a girl :laugh:, I just effectively killed two birds with one stone. I know I said if she wasn't my teller last time I would just let sleeping dogs lie, but that was before I went into irrational crush mode. I know have to talk to her again, at least once to get a better idea of who she is. The longer I don't, the more I gradually lose touch with assumptions and facts. It may turn out I have nothing in common with her, but I feel fate is giving me a chance to find out. She may not even be working on Monday when I get off work, but I have a feeling she will be.

 

Anyway, If I don't have anything else to say tonight I will write down how it goes tomorrow night.

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I had a busy day on Monday and was unable to find the time to follow up. I wanted to when I got home from work today as well but LS was down!

 

So I went to the bank after work Monday and my hunch turned out to be mistaken because she wasn't working that day. I was a bit disappointed, but I guess I can't complain since I was able to take my new car home later that night. It is so much nicer then my old one and I'm really happy with it! I got a great deal for it and am actually looking forward to commuting in it once my new classes start. It was a slight learning curb since it's a standard and I had little experience with 5 speeds before having this car, but I became familiar with it pretty quick. I just need more practice starting on hills :o.

 

I don't know whether banks have shift changes or if they work the whole day, but I know she was there wednesday and friday at noon. I work tomorrow at that time, but friday I will be able to go down and hopefully get to talk to her again. I'll just pay my credit card bill or something.

 

If she's not there I think it's safe to say that the universe is trying to tell me something and I'll just move on. Since I didn't see her on Monday my feelings of her are starting to evaporate, and with things like work and a new vehicle, my mind is starting to defeat crush mode. :laugh:

 

I would really like to get to know her better, but I'm running out of excuses to go to the bank. I'm not quite at the stage of getting to know her enough where I can manipulate the line at the bank by letting others go infront of me until she is free without looking odd, and everytime I don't get to talk to her I start to convince myself a relationship with her isn't in the cards for me right now. I don't need a relationship right now, but I am over my ex and getting involved with someone else new sounds nice.

 

Not exactly what I was planning on happening, but that's life! I guess I'll have to wait and see.

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This was an awesome idea. Journaling, as you said, is a great way to keep grounded as well as to help oneself grow. This is a great example of it also. Thank you & I hope you continue to post here. :)

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I haven't posted on this thread, Pelican, but I'm following along.

You're an interesting fellow. :)

So happy you're enjoying the car.

Fingers cross that you'll find more excuses to go to the bank.

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Hey thanks Cerridwen and Oldguy! I'm glad you're enjoying reading this. It makes it that much satisfying knowing that people are taking an interest in it. If anyone else wants to say whats on their mind whether it be good or bad about what I wrote or this in general feel free :)

 

 

 

It's not Friday yet so I'm going to try to avoid talking about bank girl until I get to see her again. Today I feel like reflecting on my relationship with my Dad, because even though I'm a very easy going person he's not exactly easy to get along with.

 

When I was younger he lived vicariously through me which gave me a lot of extra stress. He use to be always front page of the local papers about how great of a soccer player he was when I was just a lad. With that as motivation I decided to take up soccer too. It became the first thing I was ever very passionate about, and I use to practice for hours everyday after school. However as I grew older so did he. By my early teens I was playing in a league called Metro which was for the gifted and highly talented players. My dad was pushed to quit soccer because his body couldn't keep up with him, so he decided to try to push me to go pro. He would yell at me non stop every game from the sideline. Even when I was impressing everyone else on the field, the only person I couldn't impress was my dad. I would always hear all of my mistakes on the long drive home and never any of what I did right.

 

I eventually lost my desire for soccer and quit because I wasn't having fun anymore. My dad became ashamed of me, became depressed with his life, and got into drugs during my mid teens which was tearing my family apart. In that environment I was forced to leave being a kid behind and mature to emotionally take care of my sister and mom at 15. I feel it's a bit too depressing for LS and I don't really want to talk about it.

 

When my dad became "clean" when I was 18, our family slowly started to come back together. I try to get along with him to keep the peace, but sometimes I really have to bite my tongue. Now that I am 20 and officially out of my teens, I guess I have become threatening to him. His thought processes towards me are a mixture between male ego and father afraid of being succeeded by the son, and I always have to keep that in mind when I talk to him so that I don't lose my patience.

 

First of all he never acknowledges anything I am good at or if I am better at it then he is, he only focuses on what he is good at and what he likes to do and compares that to me. Since he always wishes he was my age again, he usually compares the 20 year old him to the 20 year old me and tries to validate that he was better so that he could feel good about himself. If we are both good at something and I turn out to be better at it, he looks for some sort of negative to cling onto to try to demoralize it.

 

Physical strength seems to be a big one for him. Because I always work out and he use to work out when he was my age, He compares how strong he use to be at like 27 compared to how strong I am at 20. He is always quick to point out that I have a runners physique, when he always recalls he use to be big and buff when he was "my age", even though when he was 20 he was skinny. His way is the right way, and anything that I do better is no big deal :laugh:. When I do handstand pushups which was something he wasn't strong enough to do, he would always say "you're going to wreck your shoulders like me, that's why I am so fat now". When I did 25 pullups which is well beyond what he has ever been able to do, he says "yea I guess your getting there, my friend at work use to do 30."

 

When he always feels there's some sort of power struggle against me it makes it difficult to be around him. The things like not knocking when he wants to talk to me in my room, or always looking to correct or prove wrong whatever I say, and always highlighting what he's good at, and ignoring what I am good at, all get annoying pretty fast. If i wasn't emotionally aware of all of this I would've blown my top months ago.

 

There is no use trying to control him or compare him to me, simply because he is not me. By understanding this I am able to keep my cool, and have a somewhat functional relationship with it. I guess sometimes I wish he understood this concept as well, perhaps he would be a bit happier.

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I left home when i was 17 so I use to get some comfort from a Mark Twain quote; ' I left home when I was 17 unable to live in the same house with a man as ignorant as my father. I returned at 23 and could not believe how much he had learned in 5 short years'. I use to think that passage refereed only to the young mans realization that his father wasn't so stupid, but after my own son was grown but it wasn't until he had been on his own for awhile that I fully appreciated that my boy had become a man. Now I think that Mark Twain quote may have had as much to do with how differently the father saw his son as well.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your father is so difficult. If you haven't done so already, maybe it's time to consider getting out on your own for your own sake. Being constantly berated takes it's toll.

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I left home when i was 17 so I use to get some comfort from a Mark Twain quote; ' I left home when I was 17 unable to live in the same house with a man as ignorant as my father. I returned at 23 and could not believe how much he had learned in 5 short years'. I use to think that passage refereed only to the young mans realization that his father wasn't so stupid, but after my own son was grown but it wasn't until he had been on his own for awhile that I fully appreciated that my boy had become a man. Now I think that Mark Twain quote may have had as much to do with how differently the father saw his son as well.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your father is so difficult. If you haven't done so already, maybe it's time to consider getting out on your own for your own sake. Being constantly berated takes it's toll.

 

Thanks for your insight oldguy! I can't move out until next year mainly because of college. I still have classes to take in this city and it would be silly and a waste of money to relocate until they are finished. I think you're right though. Everyone seems to respect me as an adult except my dad. My sister and my mom no longer question my maturity because I was forced to uphold adult responsibility at 15. My dad moved out for two years after I threatened calling social services and the police, so I had a lot of pressure on me to be the man of the house and keep them as content as they could be. Since he wasn't there with us for those two years, when he came back he assumed I still had the mind of a child and refuses to see it otherwise. I know he regrets his past behavior, and the lack of knowledge that he didn't teach me, so I think he is trying to pick up where he left off on raising me not necessary for my benefit but for his own. I don't think he wants to admit to himself that he missed my childhood.

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Pelican I want to say thanks for sharing yourself in such an eloquent and thought provoking way. I also have discovered (mainly through posting on LS!) that writing my thoughts can be quite therapeutic and enlightening! And if it's alright with you, I'll share some of my insights here too.

 

I have been reflecting on what you wrote about our sense of being and how we relate to space. This topic has inspired me, so if you don't mind I think I'll write in rhyme, and through verse try to make sense of how I relate to earth, the universe, and time!

 

What is it about our need as human beings to have some sort of connection? Is it to ease our fears and get a sense of validation? Surely it's more complicated than just wanting to belong. After all, there are many people who are surrounded by friends yet still feel so alone. It's clear to me as I state these observations, that questions of this nature truly do require deep contemplation.

 

Pelican says the only way to understand space is to shed who we are, that defining ourselves limits our understanding of how we relate to galaxies afar. But how can we break free from our own identities and still integrate with our societies? If ridding ourselves of definitions will free us from our own limitations then why do we place so much emphasis on identity and community affiliations? Perhaps what we truly seek when studying our galaxies is a sense of relief from our impending mortality.

 

Whatever the reasons may be, it's become clear to me, that we human beings are truly an anomaly. Such perplexed creatures looking at the stars to divine our own future, seeking correlations between our world and the constellations. Joni Mitchell had it right, when she sang out with delight, "we are stardust, we are golden!" and so it has been proven that our planet from the stars was molded.

 

If the answer to our purpose is to be drawn from outer space, and if indeed this understanding will help define our human race, then surely we must have some internal compass to guide us through the haze. Call it intuition or a sixth sense suspicion, but I think that somewhere out there must be other beings that are aware, of our human existence and understand our earthly feelings. So when I look up at the stars I don't feel so alone believing there are others who call space their home. Heavenly neighbors who also come from stardust, you will welcome me when I cease to be and this I trust!

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Wow Lil1 that was great! I'm very happy that you chose to seize the moment and write down what you were thinking. As humans we all think of beautiful ideas everyday, but a large majority of them are lost and forgotten simply because they weren't brought into existence. The only difference between an author and an average joe is that authors write their ideas down. I don't mind at all if people share their thoughts, in fact I encourage it! Very well done :). I look forward to hearing more from you and others.

 

 

 

 

I'm getting frustrated with trying to talk to bank girl again. It's like the universe let me strike a conversation with her a week ago, and all I have run into is obstacles with trying to talk to her again. I caught an illness from a co-worker [as did half the staff in the period of two days] and now I am lying in bed coughing up god knows what. I want to make a good impression on her, not get my opportunity with no voice and sniffles. :sick: Oh well, all flowers in time. I talked to her and developed a crush on her for a reason right? Perhaps this is all part of the grand scheme of things, and I just need to be patient. Whether I get rejected or she turns out to be a dream come true, it's all for something.

 

I'm having trouble trying to grasp and explain what I'm thinking since I'm sick, so I'm just going to write down my chain of thought starting with the mind and see where it takes me. A trip into my brain! Hopefully it makes some sort of sense. You can compare my thought process with yours and just imagine how different one person is from another. They may live similar lives, but their realities are so much different.

 

Who we are in our mind feels like we are some sort of immortal ethereal being that knows no end unless we make one. With my mind I can fly to the moon and back in a flash, I can cure any disease in seconds, or I can become anything or anyone with a simple thought. I can imagine the impossible and defy it with ease. The only limit to my mind is what I make my limit and then some. I have never experienced infinity, yet I know what it is. How can we even imagine infinity? It's impossible to imagine what is infinite, yet somehow we do. Things like that puzzle me. Why does our mind strive for perfection when it is impossible? When I picture something like an apple, it is automatically the perfect apple. To picture an imperfect apple, I have to tell myself that it is an imperfect apple, but even then it is the perfect imperfect apple.

 

I constantly picture perfection, yet nothing in life will ever be perfect. Maybe it just acts as a carrot on a stick to make sure we do our best. Perfection runs along the same lines as infinity because how did we even come up with it? It's just sort of programmed in our minds at birth as a necessary requirement for thought. I don't think we would even be thinking if we could not imagine beyond what we already know, we would just be living. Are we the only creature that moves beyond just living? Or is that one of the purposes to death. If we never had the possibility to die, I think we would never truly enjoy life because we would take it for granted. I think about death everyday because it helps me enjoy my life so much more. It brings me more purpose to do my best because I know one day it will be gone just like myself.

 

All of this seems to have a same underlying theme but I cannot describe it. A cryptic pattern of existence which is probably too simple for me to understand right now. There are so many simple patterns that I notice about life, yet when I try to grab hold of them from my mind they just disperse. Learning about psychology and philosophy seems to follow the same guidelines. It's like you already knew what you learn in those fields, but it is just brought up from your unconscious. Nothing I learn in those disciplines ever has that new feeling to it, it just feels like I knew it all along somewhere inside of me. The more I apply that knowledge to my life, the more solidified it becomes, and the better I can explain it. Maybe that is why I enjoy learning about this stuff so much, you can gauge how well you understand these lessons depending on how content you are. It's like that saying by the Buddha about the how you can say all the holy words you want, but they are useless unless you practice them.

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So today was a pretty interesting day! I got into my first minor car accident.

 

I'll start off by saying that I am fine and it wasn't my fault at all. My insurance has no collision yet so thank god my car took basically no damage, all there is is a scratch on the front bumper from where I hit the other car. I don't want to discuss what happened in too much detail until I get everything officially settled with the insurance company, but basically she wanted to make a left turn that required going across my lane. She had her turn signal on and paused trying to determine whether she was going to make it or not, and she decided to go for it when my car was going 30mph about 15meters away from hers. She should've just let me pass before making the turn, but instead I slammed on the brakes and crashed into her while she basically froze in panic and left her car basically angled 70 degrees across my lane.

 

My airbags never went off, I was going the speed limit, and judging where our cars hit there is basically no way she can argue it as my fault which is a bit of a relief because I'm a young male driver and i really don't need that on my insurance. The front of her car is pretty damaged but like I said there's no way she can provide an argument as it being my fault. My front bumper has a scratch on it and has a tiny dent that you can barely see, but I'm not going to be a jerk about it. my car still runs, you barely notice it anyway, and a little kindness goes a long way.

 

It was a good learning experience anyway. I'm really happy my car wasn't damaged since I just bought it a week ago :laugh:. With no collision on it that would've been a real joy. I feel like I'm in the clear, so I'm not too worried about it and everything should turn out fine.

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Is this your first car PP? It doesn't sound like you're stressing so maybe it's a sign this isn't your first time at the rodeo.

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Is this your first car PP? It doesn't sound like you're stressing so maybe it's a sign this isn't your first time at the rodeo.

 

First car under my name. I've always been a safe driver and have never been in any sort of accident or collision until today. I have nothing to hide and all the evidence points to the other driver being at fault, so even if the other person tries to settle for 50/50 it would be a tough case to argue. With that said there's no reason for me to be stressed. Attachment to possessions only cause stress, and although a car is important and I am more happy no one got hurt. I'm just looking at it with the mindset of things could always be worse.

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