I'm socially awkward...

[tb24]

I lack confidence, despite considering myself to have a fair amount going for me:

 

-I'm quite attractive and get approached/complimented by girls enough to know that I'm not ugly. I also dress well (albeit a little unusually) and regularly get compliments on things I'm wearing, especially my hair.

 

-I consider myself intelligent

 

-I have a stable, well paying job (even if it is a fairly boring office job)

 

-I'm hoping to be doing a Ph.D in the autumn, if not, next year

 

Ok so apparently I'm not modest

 

But the problem is, when I'm talking to someone, anyone who I don't know well I just run out of things to say and worry what they think of me. I feel like I don't have anything to say that nobody would be interested in what I say anywa, I struggle to have meaningful conversations with anyone and become awkward when there's nothing to say. I find it very difficult to open up to people and get told I'm hard to read.

 

I think maybe part of my problem is a tiny social circle and not much of a social life but I don't know how to fix that when I struggle to meet people!

 

Part of the issue, I think, is that while I was in a LTR, most of my social life involved going out with my then girlfriend. We'd see bands together, movies, go to the pub. She was my best friend and we did everything together never really worrying about many other people or even interracting with others much.

 

Any suggestions? I have no real idea why I can't talk to people. I guess I just don't feel like I'm that interesting to people. Is there any way I can become less shy and more talkative?

[Datura]

Seems to me you're overly concerned with the possibility of others being disinterested. If you could imagine that thought or fear exiting your mind: "Am I boring this person?" do you think it would be easier to manage a conversation?

 

Not having a free flowing exchange is hardly unusual between people who barely know each other. What is this person doing on the other end?

[Cee]

Developing social ease takes a lot of practice. It helps to observe the person you are talking to and focus on them, rather than yourself. Try to develop a genuine interest in them and develop curiosity. Then you will find things to say that are directly connected to the conversation.

 

By the way, I am terrible at initiating interesting conversation. So I generally join in conversations that have already started. I think it's helpful to develop friendship with people of common interests or values. Then you have common ground. For example, you could talk to grad students and ask them about the academic world. I promise you, they will have a lot to say.

 

Finally, be gentle on yourself. Sometimes it's not really your problem. Sometimes people are cliquey or standoffish and make it hard for you to connect to them.

[TheLawmaker]

It gets better with practice. However, social anxiety is not something you "get over"; you just learn to step around it. It's a lifelong condition.

[tb24]

Seems to me you're overly concerned with the possibility of others being disinterested. If you could imagine that thought or fear exiting your mind: "Am I boring this person?" do you think it would be easier to manage a conversation?

 

I don't think so. I run out of things to say and the conversation halts unless someone else says something. I can never re-ignite the conversation. Also, I when I am speaking I find myself rushing to get out what I'm saying and not really expanding it as much as I could.

 

Not having a free flowing exchange is hardly unusual between people who barely know each other. What is this person doing on the other end?

 

 

Case in point, I was trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend's best friend. We'd all been out together for a few hours, I spoke to her a little but my girlfriend left us alone for a while. I really struggled to make any kind of decent conversation with her. I tried asking her "So how long have you known [my girlfriend]?", "how do you know her?" etc but eventually just ran out of these sorts of questions and had *nothing* to say. Short of commenting on the weather or some such nonsense I have no idea where to go from there. Admittedly, she was probably just as shy as me

 

By the way, probably the only reason I'm with my girlfriend is because we met online and I'm actually quite good online because it gives me much more time to think about what I'm going to say. Perhaps speed is my real issue?

 

Also, I'm way better at asking questions than answering them. If someone asks me a random question that I'm unprepared for even if it's something as trivial as "what do you do for a living?" I tend to panic a little while supplying the answer and rush myself to provide an answer. I have no idea why. If I get asked the same thing online I can remain far more calm and supply a decent answer, even over IM.

 

This post is a good example. If someone had asked me the same question in real life, I'd have struggled to come up with an answer, but because I'm sat down, with time to think about it I can think about it properly and formulate an answer in my head.

 

 

By the way, I am terrible at initiating interesting conversation. So I generally join in conversations that have already started. I think it's helpful to develop friendship with people of common interests or values. Then you have common ground. For example, you could talk to grad students and ask them about the academic world. I promise you, they will have a lot to say.

 

You're right. I'm actually not bad at asking people things (Well I cant just go up to random people and start chatting, but if I've been introduced it's fine ) I struggle most when it comes to people putting me on the spot to answer questions.

 

Strangely, I'm good at job interviews... but I think that's because I know the exact sort of questions that are going to be asked and know my subject very well also they're much more formal which seems to work better for me somehow.

[klassiandreams]

Well I have the same issues as well but there's a couple of tricks and tips I've picked up along the way.

 

Firstly, most people care more about themselves than about you. If you were to keep the spotlight onto them, it'll most probably keep them occupied. I usually ask them hows their day and ask follow up questions from there. If you're out of follow up questions, just echo the last word to keep them going. For instance:

 

A:How's your day?

 

B: Horrible. Work's a killer.

 

A: A Killer?

 

B: Yeah, I had lots of forms to process and it took up so much of my time?

 

A: So much of your time? (Or since B has volunteered new info on "processing forms" you may wanna carry on the topic on the nature of such forms.)

 

Hope that helps.

[tb24]

I can do that, follow up questions are easy the problem I have is when someone asks me something. I struggle to answer with any detail and end up giving minimal/undescriptive answers because I feel like I've been put on the spot.

[klassiandreams]

I can do that, follow up questions are easy the problem I have is when someone asks me something. I struggle to answer with any detail and end up giving minimal/undescriptive answers because I feel like I've been put on the spot.

 

Well, to be fair to you the onus also lies on the other party to dig out more information when faced with an undescriptive answer if they wished to continue the conversation.

 

Mmm... do you have this issue only with an unfamiliar crowd or you face this even with your closest friends?

 

Oh, and another thing. Reticence isn't really a bad thing you know. Many reticent people I know can be charming in their quiet, shy ways. XD I'm not trying to put you off your self-improvement journey, but I'm trying to suggest that being shy and reticent can create a certain impression that may be charming to like-minded individuals.