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Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater...


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I suppose that this is the appropriate thread for this sort of topic. It's about cheating. No, it's not a complaint that I've been dating a gal for such-n-such time and she's hanging out with "Somebody So-and-so" more often than she's hanging out with me. Yes, I'm currently dealing with that, but it's not the point. Also, pumpkins are delicious, so pairing them with such a nasty word as "cheater" is blasphemous and upsetting no matter how cute it sounds in a childish rhyme. I just hope I caught your attention with a melodramatic, cryptic title and you can read into this a bit and give me some feedback that you might also share with other people. So, please: read on, enjoy, slander me, provide opinions, and hopefully we can all take something out of this topic.

 

I'm a cheater. I have been for something around 2 years now, and each time I've cheated I felt a rush. I've felt a deep sense of satisfaction that I've done something wrong and gotten away with it. However, modern satisfaction seems to be laced with an ounce of guilt. I remember the first girl I slept with outside of my relationship. Her name was Katelyn. Katelyn and I knew each other since high school, and we've always had a deeply romantic and sexual interest in one another that we never seemed to be able to fulfill... until one night.

 

I was living with a gal that I had been seeing for a 2 years at that point. I loved her dearly and I had never really had the inclination to do the dirty with anyone else, because I felt I was satisfied with the relationship and where I was. One night, Katelyn called me. I walked onto my porch and took the call and figured it would just be a happy conversation between two old friends. Little did I know that she would ask me to come over and see her. At that point, I felt something inside me grow like a weed. A desire that I couldn't ignore. I told her, "No, I'm seeing someone." She persisted and said, "Don't worry, I can keep secrets." I came to find out that she was keeping a secret herself because she was dating another man. So, I thought that two wrongs don't make a right, might as well enjoy life while you're alive. I found a good night to lie to my live-in girlfriend and told her that I will be out helping my oldest brother with moving (luckily for me, he really was moving out of his home). I don't need to explain what happened from there, because you get the gist.

 

Since that night, my life turned into a flourishing garden of infidelity and deceit that I couldn't even keep track of as time went on, and it slowly overgrew itself. I became a master of lying because I learned that the best lies I have ever told were actually the truth. I won't get into any philosophical debate on what "truth" really is, so please bare with me and focus on the main story. The point is that I believed myself when I lied, and if you believe yourself, then someone else will believe you. (Reading this frightens me because of how awful it really is.) I kept on cheating with different girls and at different intervals of time. (relating to the old saying from the book "Dune": If you walk without rhythm, you won't attract the worm). After a few nights with Katelyn, I was done and moved on.

 

I felt guilty after my first few times cheating, and then the guilt slowly went away. I shouldn't say that it disappeared completely because it was still there, it was just well hidden from perception. But one day I was caught because the live-in girlfriend actually had the sense to look at my phone and see the most recent girl I had been having an affair with. After that, the live-in girl was foolish enough to forgive me and take me back after I hid myself from the world and wallowed in self-serving fear and sadness. Things went well and I had "sworn never to be unfaithful again." Or so she and I both thought.

 

In the recent year, the live-in girlfriend is now my ex girlfriend and I am casually seeing another gal that I feel so much more strongly for. I have had my moments of being a cheater while dating the new gal, but I can promise on what little honor I have left that I genuinely try to look the other way whenever I am tempted to fulfill my dark needs.

 

Having told you the basic story, you can piece together in your minds what horrible things I've done and how easily I've gotten away with them. The reason I post this story to all of you is because I am now sincerely questioning why I've been unfaithful in my last two relationships. I don't know. I read posts on eHow.com, Askmen.com, and any other informational website out there and why cheaters cheat. All of it is so inapplicable to who people fundamentally are. It's all full of slanderous ranting and biased opinions from people who have never cheated on anyone in their life. How could they understand why I cheat? Why anyone cheats? I don't even understand why I cheat, and yet I do it anyway.

 

When I ask myself "Why am I a cheater?" I can provide you with a million tiny, insignificant reasons: 1) I live in the moment and life is too short to be satisfied by one thing; 2) The relationship is falling apart so I want to prepare for the worst; 3) I am a bad person and I love it; 4) I've been cheated on before, so why not make the female race pay?; 5) I feel that giving myself to those whom I trust is important and satisfying; 6) I'm a cauliflower from Jupiter and my evolutionary programming requires me to mate with human females. I don't ****ing know for the life of me. The question I also ask myself is do I regret it? I feel that regret is too simple of a term. I feel that "living without regret" is too foolish. I also feel that regretting anything is equally foolish. So that's also a hard question to answer.

 

However, I know what I am certain of. I know who I am as a person; I know what I do wrong and what I do right and I always focus on doing right; I have never in my life done something to smite someone I love on purpose; lastly, I am an honest man - but is it only because I have never been caught?

 

I don't know what cheating is about, even as a cheater, but in the end it's all the same. In the end it's all about immature needs, fears, insecurities, and childish rhymes. In the end, it's all about pumpkins.

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silvermane187

If I spoke my mind I would most lilely get banned. So let me just simply say you are a terrible person.:rolleyes:

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whichwayisup
but is it only because I have never been caught?

 

Bingo!

 

You haven't suffered any consquences of your cheating ways. You've gotten away with it for so long! Until you face the fallout, see the pain and devastation that betrayal, cheating, lying and hurting your girlfriend, see her tears, see HER pain up close, you WILL continue to do what you do. Hurt, betray, use, manipulate, cheat and be cruel.

 

You are far from honest. Sure, you have opened up on line but not in your offline life.

 

Only way you'll change, or want to change, is when you face the music and have to deal with the mess you've created. And, you'll have noone to blame but yourself.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Do you mind if your SO cheats as well, as long as it's behind your back?

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If I spoke my mind I would most lilely get banned. So let me just simply say you are a terrible person.:rolleyes:

 

Same here.

 

Or maybe this is the research student again :confused:

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Silvermane: Okay. I was hoping for a bit more of a detailed response, but thank you for your input??

 

Whichway: Well, maybe I haven't made it clear, but I have been caught once or twice, as I have said. Without going into too much detail my sexuality has gotten me in trouble more than just once or twice, actually. (Luckily, I know for a FACT that I'm still medically safe.) I have seen the amount of pain and destruction I've caused and it hurts me knowing what I've done. At those times, I stopped for a long while. I say to myself "never again". But I guess it's an addiction - I relapse. I suppose I can say I'm a real sex addict that requires psychological help or some form of Sex Addict's Anonymous group. Also, blaming other people for my mistakes is ridiculous, and I know that full well. I appreciate your input.

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Do you mind if your SO cheats as well, as long as it's behind your back?

 

Great question. I'm glad you asked. If someone is entirely ignorant to something so emotional how could it ever hurt them? It applies to me as well. If my SO cheats on me and I never find out then why would it affect me, until I find out the truth? I've discovered that a few SO's in between have cheated on me, but really I wasn't angry because I would be a hypocrite. I was sad for a slight moment but I realize being sad would also make me a hypocrite. I think the worst thing that the other cheater would find out is that I am 90% unaffected by it, and that seems to really piss them off.

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It's interesting that I ask for input and all people say is "you're a bad person."

 

Not very thought provoking.

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whichwayisup
Silvermane: Okay. I was hoping for a bit more of a detailed response, but thank you for your input??

 

Whichway: Well, maybe I haven't made it clear, but I have been caught once or twice, as I have said. Without going into too much detail my sexuality has gotten me in trouble more than just once or twice, actually. (Luckily, I know for a FACT that I'm still medically safe.) I have seen the amount of pain and destruction I've caused and it hurts me knowing what I've done. At those times, I stopped for a long while. I say to myself "never again". But I guess it's an addiction - I relapse. I suppose I can say I'm a real sex addict that requires psychological help or some form of Sex Addict's Anonymous group. Also, blaming other people for my mistakes is ridiculous, and I know that full well. I appreciate your input.

 

Do you want to stop this cheating behaviour? Yes, you have sexual addiction, sounds like it anyway. Are you willing to get help for it, go see a therapist?

 

It's interesting that I ask for input and all people say is "you're a bad person."

 

Not very thought provoking.

 

You're not a 'bad' person, you're just making very bad choices. You'd be a bad person if you were revelling in it all and not caring who you hurt.

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Do you want to stop this cheating behaviour? Yes, you have sexual addiction, sounds like it anyway. Are you willing to get help for it, go see a therapist?

 

I don't disagree that I have a sexual addiction, but like any wanna-be medical student I would say that self diagnosis is dangerous and misleading. I am willing to go see a therapist, but also like any wanna-be medical student living in this economy, I don't have health insurance (go figure, right?) So therapy is expensive for me. I suppose that's why I came to this forum.

 

You're not a 'bad' person, you're just making very bad choices. You'd be a bad person if you were revelling in it all and not caring who you hurt.

 

I am making bad choices. I do feel guilt. Like I said, most modern satisfaction comes laced with an ounce of guilt, and I am definitely a victim of guilt.

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Do you want to stop this cheating behaviour? Yes, you have sexual addiction, sounds like it anyway. Are you willing to get help for it, go see a therapist?

 

I don't disagree that I have a sexual addiction, but like any wanna-be medical student I would say that self diagnosis is dangerous and misleading. I am willing to go see a therapist, but also like any wanna-be medical student living in this economy, I don't have health insurance (go figure, right?) So therapy is expensive for me. I suppose that's why I came to this forum.

 

 

You're not a 'bad' person, you're just making very bad choices. You'd be a bad person if you were revelling in it all and not caring who you hurt.

 

I am making bad choices. I do feel guilt. Like I said, most modern satisfaction comes laced with an ounce of guilt, and I am definitely a victim of guilt.

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Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous are free. Go their websites and find a group near you asap.

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CrestfallenNoMore

I kind of get the feeling from your post that you don't really WANT to change; you're just sort of feeling like you should.

 

I believe it's possible that you truly do feel bad about the pain you cause, but I also think you enjoy what you're doing, and that's certainly you're right.

 

Do you just want to be the kind of guy you think people expect that you should be, or do you really WANT to change?

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starryeyed12
Great question. I'm glad you asked. If someone is entirely ignorant to something so emotional how could it ever hurt them? It applies to me as well. If my SO cheats on me and I never find out then why would it affect me, until I find out the truth? I've discovered that a few SO's in between have cheated on me, but really I wasn't angry because I would be a hypocrite. I was sad for a slight moment but I realize being sad would also make me a hypocrite. I think the worst thing that the other cheater would find out is that I am 90% unaffected by it, and that seems to really piss them off.

 

Um, what you are describing is not a real relationship, dear. Real relationships require respect, love, trust, and faithfulness-- in equal amounts.

 

You dont' care, she doesn't care.

 

What you get yourself involved in is called a sham. There's a difference.

 

Don't even dare say, "but I loved them." You have absolutely no clue what love is or what it is about.

 

You might as well just stick to open relationships and try to keep it real. Pretending you respect monogamous relationships is a joke to you, obviously. Look at the title of your thread.

 

Sorry. You put yourself out there like that in such a pompous way....

 

My advice is to stop getting yourself in "serious" relationships until you figure yourself out.

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A few things...

 

First of all, your writing style is very good. Kudos to you.

 

Secondly, stop blaming your behavior on "sexual addiction". You've stated repeatedly that you are aware of the differences between right and wrong. You're actions are a result of you making the conscious decision to do wrong. If that's something you are prepared to deal with the consequences of, then so be it. Like you said, life is short. We're all given free will.

 

That being said, have you really thought through the consequences? Seeing the hurt that you've caused to your significant others might be the only thing you've experienced so far, but:

 

You never know when you might accidentally get a girl pregnant. You never know when you might pick up an STD. You never know when you might have just screwed up your last hope for a romantic connection, destined to die an alone, old, pathetic man-child. You never know if you just f**cked over the girl who's dad/brother/boyfriend, etc. is crazy enough to blow you off the bar stool with his 12 gauge.

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IfWishesWereHorses

So why enter "committed" relationships at all? Why not play the field, there is certainly nothing wrong with that if you are not otherwise committed. If you recognize that you have this compulsion why not take the responsibility and admit that you are not cut out to be someones SO?

 

May I ask if you suffered any type of abuse as a child, sexualnor otherwise?

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Those are the comments I like! Thanks to all of you; I'm appreciating the discussion.

 

Starryeyed: I appreciate what you've said but I disagree with you only to the degree that you've created a perception of who I am as an entire person based off of one aspect of my life that I chose to share with you. Yes it is a pretty ****ty part of who I am, but like with anyone else I have a lot of different characteristics, good or bad, that may or may not balance out the others. But again, thanks for your comment.

 

TMan666: Thanks. I hope I wrote the message clearly; I wanted to make it interesting and somewhat capturing in order to achieve the replies I wanted. And I agree with you. You never know who you're messing with out there and it's certainly dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. But I don't agree that I'm blaming a sexual addiction on my actions; I'm saying that it's very possible. Hence, that's why I mentioned "as an aspiring medical student" (I'm in pre-med at a community college), I don't want to self-diagnose. So, that's the reason I'm asking the general public on their opinions. Again, thank you for your input.

 

IfWisheswereHorses: I was actually abused as a child. Oddly and frighteningly enough, I don't remember much of it. I've come to think about any repressed memories of possible sexual abuse as a child, and as a man, that can be rather degrading and almost terrifying (I am not suggesting that it's dissimilar from women, AT ALL. Please don't think that I take sexual assault/abuse lightly).

 

Ginger Beer: Yes, this is real. And ginger beer is delicious.

 

CrestFallen: That's very interesting the way you put it. I don't disagree.

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Let me ask you this: do you like what you do? Be honest with yourself. Sure, the strange tail is fun and exciting, but at the end of the day, can you look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with yourself as a person?

 

If you are completely ok with what you do, then keep doing it. If and when the consequences come, you'll at least be able to have the satisfaction of knowing that you chose your own path with both eyes wide open.

 

In the event that you do want change and decide you're ready to commit to someone in earnest, you need to cowboy up and do so. What you're doing right now is called "sitting on the fence". You claim to know right from wrong, but I don't think that you truly feel the difference.

 

From the information you've presented thus far, you have no reason to call yourself a man. Men keep their word. Men don't make excuses for themselves. What you do is characteristic of little boys. Stop the chameleon bull****. If you like sleeping around, then stay the hell out of committed relationships. Own your desires. Making promises you are not willing (as your self-described history has shown) to keep is crap.

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starryeyed12
Those are the comments I like! Thanks to all of you; I'm appreciating the discussion.

 

Starryeyed: I appreciate what you've said but I disagree with you only to the degree that you've created a perception of who I am as an entire person based off of one aspect of my life that I chose to share with you. Yes it is a pretty ****ty part of who I am, but like with anyone else I have a lot of different characteristics, good or bad, that may or may not balance out the others. But again, thanks for your comment.

 

TMan666: Thanks. I hope I wrote the message clearly; I wanted to make it interesting and somewhat capturing in order to achieve the replies I wanted. And I agree with you. You never know who you're messing with out there and it's certainly dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. But I don't agree that I'm blaming a sexual addiction on my actions; I'm saying that it's very possible. Hence, that's why I mentioned "as an aspiring medical student" (I'm in pre-med at a community college), I don't want to self-diagnose. So, that's the reason I'm asking the general public on their opinions. Again, thank you for your input.

 

IfWisheswereHorses: I was actually abused as a child. Oddly and frighteningly enough, I don't remember much of it. I've come to think about any repressed memories of possible sexual abuse as a child, and as a man, that can be rather degrading and almost terrifying (I am not suggesting that it's dissimilar from women, AT ALL. Please don't think that I take sexual assault/abuse lightly).

 

Ginger Beer: Yes, this is real. And ginger beer is delicious.

 

CrestFallen: That's very interesting the way you put it. I don't disagree.

 

 

I don't pretend to know everything about you. I apologize if it came off that way. The tone of your OP made me question your intentions.

 

Based on your post I don't think you understand anything about love and monogomy--- sexual addiction could well be a part of why.

 

My suggestion is to stop getting yourself involved in "serious" relationships until you figure yourself out. And you seem to be on the cusp of something big, hence why you are here.

 

You may be battling some internal issues, but that also doesn't make it right to bring other people into your cycle under the guise of "monogamous relationship." This is how people get hurt. This is how people develop problems with trust and love etc, etc. It feeds into a vicious cycle. So cut it out, until you get some help getting it under control.

 

If you must have a relationship, there are people who are okay with open relationships.

 

At the very least, if you find yourself getting close to someone, if things take a turn toward serious, either slow it down with them or try to be as honest as possible.

 

Sexual addiction is not something you can change alone, nor with this site alone. Please talk with someone. I have a friend who is a sex addict and married with 2 kids. It's devistating for everyone, and he will never seek help for himself. Don't be him. That's all.

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StarryEyed: No need to apologize, I welcomely open any input, good or bad.

 

Tman666: Well, people have different definition for different things. I suppose you have your definition of manhood and I have mine. I appreciate where you come from and I fully agree with what you say. However, I don't want to argue the definition of "manhood" and "honesty" or any of that sort. I'm solely seeking the opinions of "why I cheat" and possibly open myself up to something I haven't thought of. Manhood might have something to do with it. I don't deny that.

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Tman666: I also agree with the ability to understand versus the ability to know: I know right from wrong, but I suppose I don't really understand it. All my life I have been told that I am not a very empathetic person and I'm not very interpersonal as far as being able to relate to everyone else's emotions given certain critical situations they encounter. I have had my own hardships and I can understand my own emotions. For example, losing my friends in Iraq and Afghanistan has taken a serious toll on me and every day I think of them and wonder when my day comes that I wont' return home. (Surprise! I'm in the military.) However, when someone else loses a friend in combat... I still don't get why they are sad. Odd? I think so.

 

I don't know if that makes sense at all, I just got back from the gym and I am rather exhausted so my thought pattern is a bit random. Let me know if you need clarity.

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IfWishesWereHorses

You are avoiding all of the questions that ask why choose a committed relationship when you know you aren't (for whatever reason) wired for them.

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