I don't know how to not be annoyed by this...

[ComeUndone]

...and to not be offended that my bf looks at naked pictures and online porn. I don't want this to be another one of those long-winded porn threads... I really just want advice on how to NOT let this bother me. Yeah maybe I am a little insecure - I certainly don't share that with him though. Inside, well sure - I am in my thirties and although I have a nice body, but I AM getting older.... and I will continue to get older and get wrinkles and start sagging no matter how much I work out and eat right. FWIW this is not relationship-issue porn use... we are fine. This is his "normal"...

 

The chickies in porn and nude pics will always be young and tight and new and exciting. So someone please tell me how to NOT let that bother me. Don't tell me "he's a man, that's what we do, it's normal" because that's not helpful. How is it he can go seek out these pics and porn yet still find me exciting? Can some men out there please explain to me how this works and how to not be bothered by this? I am being literal here, not being a smart ass. I'm not trying to control him but would really like to not be so affected by it.

 

This morning before he even got out of bed I discovered he had grabbed his laptop and surfed the net, including one of his favorite nudey-pics sites. He's not a morning person (in terms of horniness) and he didn't have the door shut so it's not like he was jacking off... he's not a pic person for jacking off anyway, he's a video person. He was just layin' there looking at them while I was downstairs making coffee. We are on vacation with another couple and we were all just waking up around the same time frame. I'm sorry but I just don't get this. Maybe it's as simple as he was just curious what new pictures had been put up on the site, but it's very hard for me not to take it personally somehow. I internalize it, knowing he chose to lie there and look at these pics instead of getting up.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into it and if that's the case then please set me straight because I am really getting tired of this bugging me. I'm to the point that I feel like detaching from him so what he does won't hurt me. He is very open about his porn use and I never nag him about it, but.... I feel out of control. It bugs me and I know that's a problem because he'll never stop looking at it and I don't know if it'll ever stop bugging me. Can any guys out there shed any insight?

[ComeUndone]

... I am reposting there, which is where i meant to post this thread

[Tayla]

I can tell you from a ladies point of view its indeed an annoying and (Not) a natural occurance amongst civil men. Most gentleman will remain in reality and stop the obessive compulsion to view porn and other images out of due regard.

 

Have you addressed this with him straightforwardly? I sense that he has an addiction to this habit that goes beyond being "curious". Share with him your view point, its honest and its true.

 

As my girlfriend said to her betrothed, If you got the real food in the refridge at home what ya doing looking at a menu of the food? Get my drift ?? THe guy was at a loss for words and even though he is curious, he no longer behaves inappropriately with that material. He knows what he has and chooses to enjoy whats in the refridge

 

ANd finally no you are not over reacting or taking things outta content, he is behaving inappropriately in your loving relationship...

[Feelin Frisky]

.... How is it he can go seek out these pics and porn yet still find me exciting? Can some men out there please explain to me how this works and how to not be bothered by this?...

 

 

... Can any guys out there shed any insight?

 

It's easy to explain the first question but that is not to say that this is all fine. Not everyone does what he's doing and there's no way to say how to read it for your situation. The first question is that there is reality and then there is fantasy. We can control fantasy but not reality. So, looking at porn is a measure of controlling fantasies. Reality with another person in your life is a whole different world. One has almost nothing to do with the other--I know you're having a hard time believing that but it's true. His looking at porn is not a reflection of dissatisfaction with you necessarily (and probably not at all). That said, his sneaking around and looking at stuff is disquieting and your snooping around after him is disquieting. My feeling is that people need to be considerate and keep their fantasies completely and utterly inside their heads so that the SO does not have to go through what you are.

 

Men have sexual impulses all the time. And a lot of men entertain them by availing themselves to the porn that's so available now with the net. Guys will see chicks in real life and have an instant fantasy of what she might be like. That's just the way it is and I'm sure women have some kind of their own impulses. This won't change and truthfully, if it does, there's something wrong. When fantasies stop happening it's time to check your chemistry for low testosterone. The way of getting along with the reality of having a relationship is being ultra-courteous to keep your damn chemistry and your fantasies contained inside yourself and not spilling over into the other person's space. I don't think that is wrong or bad--it's just not spoken and there is a lot of romanticized notions about love and monogamy that are just pie in the sky. People don't really live so perfectly. Your man is being particularly aggressive about entertaining fantasy and not giving you your due to allow you to feel reassured that you mean what a SO should.

Edited March 26, 2011 by Feelin Frisky

[You Go Girl]

Maybe laptops should stay at home when on vacation. If a vacation isn't the perfect time to connect with your spouse, but instead go looking at porn, then something is amiss.

He may simply be oblivious to that thinking. Probably is.

 

What I sense is a disconnect with him. Why wasn't he in the kitchen standing by you while you made coffee? Why wasn't he looking forward to the day ahead instead of looking at something that doesn't even exist in his reality? Why wasn't he talking and connecting to his wife on that level--and showing appreciation she was making the coffee at all? Is he complacent in the marriage? Does he take you for granted?

 

Anybody who has to do something while on vacation--what a good test of addiction. Can't make it a week without it? Whatever it is? You're addicted to it.

Edited March 28, 2011 by You Go Girl

[ComeUndone]

It's easy to explain the first question but that is not to say that this is all fine. Not everyone does what he's doing and there's no way to say how to read it for your situation. The first question is that there is reality and then there is fantasy. We can control fantasy but not reality. So, looking at porn is a measure of controlling fantasies. Reality with another person in your life is a whole different world. One has almost nothing to do with the other--I know you're having a hard time believing that but it's true. His looking at porn is not a reflection of dissatisfaction with you necessarily (and probably not at all). That said, his sneaking around and looking at stuff is disquieting and your snooping around after him is disquieting. My feeling is that people need to be considerate and keep their fantasies completely and utterly inside their heads so that the SO does not have to go through what you are.

 

Men have sexual impulses all the time. And a lot of men entertain them by availing themselves to the porn that's so available now with the net. Guys will see chicks in real life and have an instant fantasy of what she might be like. That's just the way it is and I'm sure women have some kind of their own impulses. This won't change and truthfully, if it does, there's something wrong. When fantasies stop happening it's time to check your chemistry for low testosterone. The way of getting along with the reality of having a relationship is being ultra-courteous to keep your damn chemistry and your fantasies contained inside yourself and not spilling over into the other person's space. I don't think that is wrong or bad--it's just not spoken and there is a lot of romanticized notions about love and monogamy that are just pie in the sky. People don't really live so perfectly. Your man is being particularly aggressive about entertaining fantasy and not giving you your due to allow you to feel reassured that you mean what a SO should.

 

Well I just noticed responses to this thread - I reposted it in the dating forum and never expected people to respond here. So, sorry for the 2 threads...

 

Thank you for putting this into a perspective that I can understand Frisky. I really don't want to take it personally, and sometimes logically I can get my mind around it, but other times I really struggle. I just don't want this to bother me at all. You are right about his looking and my snooping being disquieting... I hate that I even looked. I just had this weird feeling, thus the reason I looked. In truth he doesn't care what I look at on on his computer, which is nice, but when I do actually look and find something it really sucks. I do try to stay away from his computer for that very reason... because I know it's not fair to him and it just leaves me feeling like sh*t. And him, looking at the pics at that time... I just thought it was strange timing. Why now? The man just can't hold off until he gets back in the privacy of his own home and bedroom? I'm just not sure what to make of that. But... thank you for explaining the way men see things vs women, that does help me to be less offended about it.

[ComeUndone]

Maybe laptops should stay at home when on vacation. If a vacation isn't the perfect time to connect with your spouse, but instead go looking at porn, then something is amiss.

He may simply be oblivious to that thinking. Probably is.

 

What I sense is a disconnect with him. Why wasn't he in the kitchen standing by you while you made coffee? Why wasn't he looking forward to the day ahead instead of looking at something that doesn't even exist in his reality? Why wasn't he talking and connecting to his wife on that level--and showing appreciation she was making the coffee at all? Is he complacent in the marriage? Does he take you for granted?

 

Anybody who has to do something while on vacation--what a good test of addiction. Can't make it a week without it? Whatever it is? You're addicted to it.

 

I was thinking this very thing, but now I wonder if perhaps I am making too much out of it. Doesn't make it perfectly okay, just maybe not as bad as how I initially felt. Still bothers me though...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

 

pornography (pɔːˈnɒɡrəfɪ)

 

— n

1. writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement

 

 

Legal Dictionary

 

Main Entry: por·nog·ra·phy

Pronunciation: por-'nä-gr&-fE

Function: noun

 

: material that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement

 

 

 

Should we then be "annoyed" and "offended" by your choices?

 

 

(imagines: "young and tight and new and exciting" )

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Everything can be pornography, if that's true. Clothed pictures of a hot girl in a sweater and jeans can simulate sexual excitement, if the girl is hot enough. And it might just be a professional photo.

[ComeUndone]

 

 

pornography (pɔːˈnɒɡrəfɪ)

 

— n

1. writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement

 

 

Legal Dictionary

 

Main Entry: por·nog·ra·phy

Pronunciation: por-'nä-gr&-fE

Function: noun

 

: material that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement

 

 

 

Should we then be "annoyed" and "offended" by your choices?

 

 

(imagines: "young and tight and new and exciting" )

 

What does this have to do with my thread?

[believeme]

Come Undone. It sounds as though you are getting upset over - not much. Honestly. Ok. Let's break this down. He is not having an affair. He is not getting off. He is not disrespecting you - generally. He is not getting upset with you over any little thing because he is not sexually satisfied. SO, what the heck are you bothered about. Therefore, it is with a giving and loving spirit that I say the following.

 

Give him a little space. Let him do his little porno thingy. As long as, at the end of it all he is coming to you for the REAL DEAL - why worry about it. LET IT GO.

 

Perhaps you may need to focus on your insecurities. Why does it bother you in the first place? How much do you love YOU? How much do you respect YOU?

 

NOW, all that having been said, have you tried to have a calm, nice, and understandingly open minded conversation with him about it? If not, you may want to consider that as an option - IF - you can't get over this and let it go.

 

I am not trying to be insensitive, but it sounded to me as though you wanted to get a frank, honest, and open response. One that was objective and clear.

 

So - you got one (smile). I can make a recommendation if you really want to get on the path to letting this go. If so, just let me know.

Edited March 29, 2011 by believeme

[Thedude22]

You can not let this bother you with the fact that around 90% of men look at porn, it's as natural as breathing for us. A guy who doesn't watch porn is a truly ****ed up individual, even more so than one that jerks off to kinky **** on the net.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What does this have to do with my thread?

 

As the subject of your thread is pornography, and your pornography was the first thing displayed in your thread, it has everything to do with your thread.

[ComeUndone]

As the subject of your thread is pornography, and your pornography was the first thing displayed in your thread, it has everything to do with your thread.

 

I post anonymously on this forum...nobody knows me here. My avatar is just a picture, and it most certainly is not the type of picture I complain about in my original thread. Maybe you should go back and reread it as I think it's pretty clear what I am speaking about... porn (as in videos) and naked pictures. My avatar is scantily clothed but not naked. Are you insinuating I don't have a valid complaint or concern simply because of my avatar on this site??

[dreamingoftigers]

Come Undone. It sounds as though you are getting upset over - not much. Honestly. Ok. Let's break this down. He is not having an affair. He is not getting off. He is not disrespecting you - generally. He is not getting upset with you over any little thing because he is not sexually satisfied. SO, what the heck are you bothered about. Therefore, it is with a giving and loving spirit that I say the following.

 

Give him a little space. Let him do his little porno thingy. As long as, at the end of it all he is coming to you for the REAL DEAL - why worry about it. LET IT GO.

 

Perhaps you may need to focus on your insecurities. Why does it bother you in the first place? How much do you love YOU? How much do you respect YOU?

 

NOW, all that having been said, have you tried to have a calm, nice, and understandingly open minded conversation with him about it? If not, you may want to consider that as an option - IF - you can't get over this and let it go.

 

I am not trying to be insensitive, but it sounded to me as though you wanted to get a frank, honest, and open response. One that was objective and clear.

 

So - you got one (smile). I can make a recommendation if you really want to get on the path to letting this go. If so, just let me know.

 

Way to invalidate someone's concerns, high five!

 

I post anonymously on this forum...nobody knows me here. My avatar is just a picture, and it most certainly is not the type of picture I complain about in my original thread. Maybe you should go back and reread it as I think it's pretty clear what I am speaking about... porn (as in videos) and naked pictures. My avatar is scantily clothed but not naked. Are you insinuating I don't have a valid complaint or concern simply because of my avatar on this site??

 

Quite frankly how do we not know that the avatar isn't pulling her pants up to keep her modesty intact?

[ComeUndone]

So - you got one (smile). I can make a recommendation if you really want to get on the path to letting this go. If so, just let me know.

 

 

Yes, I did want frank and honest responses, and I do want to let this go because that will be the only way for me to not be consumed about this. I know I can only change myself, that I can't change him or his behavior.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I post anonymously on this forum...nobody knows me here. My avatar is just a picture, and it most certainly is not the type of picture I complain about in my original thread. Maybe you should go back and reread it as I think it's pretty clear what I am speaking about... porn (as in videos) and naked pictures. My avatar is scantily clothed but not naked. Are you insinuating I don't have a valid complaint or concern simply because of my avatar on this site??

 

Indisputably your avatar is pornography. (per the definition already provided)

 

Now one wonders why you have started a thread to complain about pornography while simultaneously providing pornography to an audience which didn't request it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Indisputably your avatar is pornography. (per the definition already provided)

 

Now one wonders why you have started a thread to complain about pornography while simultaneously providing pornography to an audience which didn't request it.

 

If the avatar was offensive enough, the site would have taken it down.

 

The OP is clearly talking at the very least about nudity.

[ComeUndone]

Indisputably your avatar is pornography. (per the definition already provided)

 

Now one wonders why you have started a thread to complain about pornography while simultaneously providing pornography to an audience which didn't request it.

 

My complaint is about my SO watching porn videos (to whack off) and looking up fully naked pictures of women spreading their legs for the camera or posed in other such positions. That's porn, and everyone here would agree I'm sure. Nobody I know would look at my avatar and classify that as porn, and even if it IS per your definition, it's not the same type I was complaining about in my original thread. But hey, no point in debating with you since you've got that Webster's dictionary within reach.

[ComeUndone]

If the avatar was offensive enough, the site would have taken it down.

 

The OP is clearly talking at the very least about nudity.

 

Thank you. Never thought my avatar would be such a problem. For those of us who have had to deal with some real porn issues first hand, like both of us have, I almost feel insulted. I know you don't know much about me DOT but I have been reading some of your threads on your husbands porn use... I dealt with the same crap with my ex, only he cheated on me with someone he met on some skanky online site. So I know what porn is, and here I've posted a legitimate question only to have him minimize my concern.