hurt feelings

[wierdmunky]

Ok, so I guess I've been through phases in my life where I haven't been the most talkative because of bad times in my life. I'm thankful to have an encouraging sister, that no matter how she feels or whatever she tries to always cheep up the situation. She was home for the summer but is going back out to college so its just me and the parents. I'm finally getting my life back in harmony with them (parents) since my breakup with fiance 2 yrs ago. They were very spiteful and judging to us when we were together, and then spiteful and mocking to me when we were apart. I just felt really lost that I had to live with people who acted like they didn't know what they wanted from me, and when I needed support it was a weird time. They were all I had and it didn't seem like they liked me. It's been a long road of just searching, and I had no reason to be happy or upbeat back then. In the meantime my sister went to pursue all her academics at a Christian college across the country. Me and her have always been supportive to each other.

 

I'm just worried now that she's gone I won't be able to keep up being upbeat without her. There's a lot of nitpicking at the house, sometimes I can't keep up with my moms demands, and my sister will be there to say something to make the mom laugh. I don't have that kind of relationship with my mom at all. In fact the same thing out of my mouth would probably get a different response. I don't know how my sister does it. I can't seem to remove my feelings of dependency or approval to my mom to not be affected by all her negative comments. I always think they're my fault. No matter how irrational I say I am to myself, to just keep going and not pay attention, I still get that pang of hurt. I get stuck there and start feeling bitter. Any suggestions?

[sugarmomma]

Pu together a plan to move out of your parents home. That way you don't have to hear whatever they have to say about how you live your life.

[Dooda]

Sounds like my mom. Don't be affected by it. She's saying it because she's out of control. Anytime things don't go her way, or go the way she planned, in her own little controlled world, she goes psycho and blabs a whole bunch of **** to you.

I get stuck there all the time, thinking that it's my fault she's getting that angry, saying those things, but the truth is it's not. She is in control of herself, and her own emotions, and you shouldn't have to be emotionally tied to her in that way. She is dragging you in.

The only reason your sister gets along, is because she knows how to deal with the crap your mom gives. She takes it in, then spews it back out as sprinkles.

I'm sure they 'love' you, but there are limits to love, and love does not mean that they can treat you however they want.

Don't feel so bad. You aren't irrational, and just remember that it is perfectly rational to think that your mother is wrong.

[cesar13]

Sounds like you're both codependent of each other. She tries to control what you do , and you want her approval , but no matter what you do , she won't ever approve of what you do , unless you win the lottery.

 

My suggestion is... maybe you can text your sister or call her once a week or so , just to catch up on things. Try to get along with family at home, follow their rules and try to help out around the house. Sometimes when you try too hard , it almost seems like you're needy. You know , like insecure people , yea when they over do it , you kinda want to get rid of them. Just my two cents.

[wierdmunky]

Thank u all for the replies. Helps very much. I do agree that my sister knows exactly how to deal with them. Maybe it's just my pride that refuses to deal with them the same way, but even if that were the case, then that proves that there is something wrong with me or they cant' accept me for whatever reason. Everytime I draw to draw away, they say something that makes me feel guilty about it so I take it as, I'm hurting them because I'm being selfish and spending too much time away on purpose, and makes me feel like a bad person. When school starts I spend a lot of time in my room or the library and and on the computer, or taking the stress out in some other outside activity.

 

I guess my question still is where the line is. I always hear parents complain about their kids. How their kids are bad, treat them like crap or whatever and that's something I don't want to be. My parents used to complain that I was a "bad" teenager when I was younger. I would always have an excuse to be out, but I never even went to any rager parties! My feeling is I don't want to be connected at the hip, or to disappoint the people who have done a lot for me. I don't tell them I love them every day or am affectionate/verbal with that kind of stuff with them so I guess I try to make it up by making them happy in other areas, like cooking or cleaning around the house. Maybe they really DO just want that mushy stuff from me. Their biggest complains are that the house isn't clean enough, and I don't spend enough time at home or with them. But you can't pick your parents and those are MY parents. It's kind of a big relationship to "throw away". I guess that's mostly in response to the codependency thing. Everybody likes to talk to them, their smart people, and I don't want to take that for granted because it just always seems ike they FEEL like that, but Idk what else to do or say.