superd Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Well I have been posting on this forum trying to share every bit of my own personal gathered wisdom and I have decided that I want to be the one that asks for help. Nothing is going right for me lately. I can't find a job that I am happy enough to stay with. I can't find good friends. I can't find a nice girlfriend to be with. All the wisdom that I have has made me a pretty sane person but has not necessarily given me any direction in life. Maybe I just wasn't made to be happy. I keep thinking about hanging myself and I know its not some childish attempt to get attention or some psychological weapon to take others down with me, its sort of like thoughts about a selfless suicide. Life isn't giving me enjoyment like it used to or at least the things that I have known haven't been giving me the same enjoyment anymore. Maybe I am growing up and I need to enter a new world but that world does not seem to be opened up to me yet. I am thinking about going back to grad school but I am not ready because I am not sure what I want to study. I am even thinking about becoming celibate and giving women up forever because I have never had much success with them and truthfully do not really like them much (although I am not gay as I don't like guys either). I was thinking of becoming a priest because I am Catholic, like to offer people practical advice and like to study, but to be honest I don't know if that is what is in my heart. I don't know if I have anything in my heart anymore. I was once so full of hope and passion and as of recently it just flew from my soul but I guess it was a long time coming. Still, there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is reason to believe. Its not depression either, I am in a regular, calm state, its just that passion that once made me happy is gone. Maybe its good, maybe I went too high, but still I feel that my spirit is what made me great and it is gone. I don't want to believe I have been beaten but maybe I have been. Maybe I never even had a chance. I just feel like I have reached the end of a very dark road and now there are no lights. I don't suppose anybody can really help me here now that I am thinking about it, maybe they can just listen and understand my story. I am sure everyone in their own way can relate. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 It sounds to me like you've gotten bored, bored, bored with the way things use to be, and you're ready for something new, but you're not just quite sure what it is. This is a normal phase of life for many people. Our interests, likes and dislikes will change over time. Some things we hold on to and others we don't. But then we feel stuck because we don't know what to replace it with. I don't know how old you are, but I would suggest you take some time off from yourself. I don't mean quit your job, but take some time off from being the you that you were and what you expect from yourself, and take some time to start exploring other things in life. Dedicate yourself right now and your time to trying new things. If you like it good, if you don't then you know that's something you wouldn't be interested in. Sometimes it this process of exploring life were we learn what our next passions will grow to be. Take time to travel, visit places you've always wanted to but hadn't or places you've never thought about visiting. Try eating a different kind of food you never had before, read some books you never knew exist, just pamper yourself and have a good time, look in your local newspaper for some coming events or activities and just go for it. Enjoy yourself, and you'll never know who you'll meet through the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author superd Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 Thank you for the advice, I really don't think that I am suffering from boredom. Also, I don't have the means right now to go to explore life to any great extent. I am 28 and have to think about making a living for myself. I may have lost my desire and spirit but I haven't lost my ambition, which I know sounds crazy but its not. I don't want to quit while I have the drive to make it in this life and find what I am looking for. Stopping now might turn me from a possible suicide into a sure thing. Still I don't have that feeling of inner wellness that I think I need. Oh well, maybe I don't need it. Maybe I have to force myself to keep going whether I am happy or content or whether I have any idea what my future may hold or not. I have a friend that once told me that my plans never work out. That really shook me when he said that because it is really true. My plans never work whether I see them out or not. Its depressing. But then again I wonder how important are plans anyway? I have a suspicion that they are important. I am a hard worker and I kill myself to do what I think I need to do to succeed and still I feel like I have been programmed to be a born loser and I am fighting against that and it seems resistance is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 superd, please go immediately to this site: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ or call your local suicide line. Secondly, if you have wisdom, then you must know that chemicals inside you can trick you into thinkiing your life is hopeless and that that can be fixed. Do NOT listen to this; it is a flaw of biochemistry and is not to be believed. Trust me on this, please. We women know all too well how chemistry can affect your mood - even to the extent of major depression. Many of us have personal experience with this and can attest that it is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author superd Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 Even if the chemicals in my mind were correct it stands to reason that a broken clock can be right at least two times a day and I just don't have any direction 24/7. I will see my doctor though just in case your worried. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Well maybe it would be best for you to see a counselor, therapist, or behavior health specialist so you can really identify what your problems are and what they have been in the past where you feel none of your plans have worked. They would be in the best position to evaluate you and give you advice because of the studying and experience in human behavior. Not all counselors and therapists cost alot. In fact if you go to a clinic in your area you'll may be able to talk with one or a behavior health specialist at an extremely low cost. It seems you have a will to live and be happy but you just don't know how to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Also, I don't have the means right now to go to explore life to any great extent You have a computer and you have the Internet - the great thing about the Internet is that you can explore worlds of information from the inexpensive comfort of your home. Life isn't giving me enjoyment like it used to or at least the things that I have known haven't been giving me the same enjoyment anymore This is one of the symptoms of depression. Its not depression either, I am in a regular, calm state, its just that passion that once made me happy is gone. Oh, yeah. That's depression. Still I don't have that feeling of inner wellness that I think I need. It's a goal to work for. That you aren't there yet does not mean you will never get there. Humans never reach a steady state of 'everything is wonderful'. It ebbs and flows and sometimes is out of reach for years. But you can still find moments of happiness (when depression isn't eating at you). Maybe I have to force myself to keep going whether I am happy or content or whether I have any idea what my future may hold or not. We all have to do that from time to time. Sometimes you need extra help getting through that because it can be really hard. As for plans working out, honey, I am the queen of plans crashing and burning. Later, in hindsight, you see that you're glad they didn't work out after all because you end up in a better place but it sure does get to you when it happens. Please see your doctor if your feelings persist. Think of antidepressants as an engine boost; your battery's dead and sometimes it needs an extra jolt to be able to start up again. No reflection on you - just how the mechanics work. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 it stands to reason that a broken clock can be right at least two times a day dear superd, you aren't a clock!!!! You are so wrong on this!!! Depressed people feel exactly as you do; life is bleak all the time; all day, all night, all the time. No respite. I will see my doctor though just in case your worried. Wonderful! Yes, please do and tell him/her everything you said here. Maybe print out your post and take it to your doc and don't be ashamed. It is not your fault if your chemicals go screwy and you deserve whatever treatment which it takes to fix 'em. Link to post Share on other sites
Author superd Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 (deleted username of person referred to), your (deleted). Thisgirlnamekd, thank you for your advice. Balances or no balances I (deleted) (deleted username of person referred to), I hope my advice to other people on this site just (deleted) and you are a (deleted). To the real woman here I love you,(deleted). Its not even what you are saying some of its good common sense, its that you are (deleted). All along I have felt like a loser and it has been (deleted). Perhaps I will take your advice and tell my therapist everything I said here, but one thing, I am also going to tell him and her (therapist and pyschiatrist) (deleted). Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 moimeme, your an annoying know-it-all Huh? What is this all about? What did I do to you? I was and am worried about you - why attack me so viciously? Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 It is really sad to hear you talk this way. But I have one question for you. What has given you happiness in your life before? AS you know and with our chats and stuff, that you will come out on top. It is just taking alittle time, and it will happen. I am somewhat in the same rut. You don't know how often I think about just ending it and that I see nothing that will happen in my future. It is hard. You just got to figure out what gave you happiness and hope in the past, and try to pick it back up again. I am really sorry about you feeling this way. If you want to talk, please feel free to email me. I am here and willing to listen. TAke care. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 I agree with moimeme and others in this thread that you may be suffering a chemical depression that requires emergency treatment. I urge you to go to your hospital emergency room tonight. At least, call a doctor or telephone a local crisis line and discuss your issues....please!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Seriously, superd, based on your posts here, you seem like a really depressed and negative person. I think you could really benefit from some counseling. Life is supposed to be fun, so why be miserable and negative all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
mattdad Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Superd; Having suffered from what you are experiencing for years, I can assure you that the suggestions posted here work! Life isn't always easy, but it sure as hell beats the alternatives! At this moment my own heart is dying, as I am about to break up with my girlfriend (or, should I say, she is about to break up with me...). On top of that, I've recently completed my 2nd graduate degree with still no job in sight, and this stress doesn't help either. The pain eats me up inside, and the temptation to just end the pain is ever present, awaiting the moment when it could exploit any crack and lead me to self-destruction - But I keep on keeping on. So can you... In the movie Grand Canyon, the character played by Danny Glover speaks of his granddad, who endured years of pain and disappointment. Danny asked him why he kept on living; his grandpa replied "Habit." When the bad in life hits, it helps to remember that you've probably had both good and bad in your life already, and that the bad times will NOT last forever. When that critical bitchy little voice tries to tear me down, I now challenge its assumptions. I'm still depressed, but at least I can function. I do understand your thoughts on celibacy, but don't like the collars, so the priesthood is out... Having been through years of such ebbs and flows in my life (I'm 42), I can tell you that having a purpose-filled life is vital, and you know it. You have many opportunities to discover what yours is - focus on it! Wouldn't it be great to paid for doing what you love? Oops - sorry for getting on the soapbox - I guess this is also for myself. Please let us know how you're doing, and have faith!! Link to post Share on other sites
80's Girl Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 First of all let me thank you for your advice on my post here. I appriciated your honesty without the harshness that so many people here seem to have. My motto: Do not judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. You seem like a very kind and caring person and I just wanted to thank you for what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
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