Coping with the judgement of other people

[Nikki Sahagin]

Firstly, I am a highly sensitive and shy person. I have been ever since I was a child. I love my own company and my select group of friends and my family as well as art and animals. I don't like being the centre of attention and I often feel I don't fit well with other people because most people (at least that I come across) are very thick-skinned and so tend to be more rude, give their (unwanted opinions) more easily, show anger more easily and can be nasty. I've always struggled with other people 'forcing' their advice or views on me because I am naturally an amiable person. I'm not confrontational or aggressive. People could say i'm a doormat but I think I just don't like dealing with these bad things; I'm quite happy just to chat and discuss rather than argue and fight. Unfortunately, because many people solve things by arguing and fighting, if you don't adopt this approach, some people see you as a doormat. Really, I just want to avoid negativity, though I know I need to become a more assertive person.

 

I suppose i'm very resentful that just because i'm shy, sensitive and try to see the nice side of life, that other people try to basically dump all over that by testing me.

 

For instance, I am not the type of girl that easily gets feelings for people, i'm not promiscuous and I don't really like dating around. I like to meet someone through friends, develop a friendship and build it from there. Since my relationship broke up, I am learning to be alone and am preparing for that. Some people may see this as negative, but it isn't. I'm not giving up on love but i'm focusing on my independence and the things that make me happy. But i've had many people tell me, 'you'll end up all alone forever if you don't get a boyfriend now.' These are the type of people who get into a relationship just so they aren't alone.

 

I feel i'm very lucky to know what I want from life; travel wise, job wise, relationship wise, pet wise. But other people seem to hinder me. I don't know if its me 'choosing' these people unconsciously or if it's just the way of the world, but being so sensitive, I find it difficult to stomach what i'd call the majority of people who just AREN'T as sensitive as I am about things.

 

Any other sensitive souls out there?

[carhill]

I feel i'm very lucky to know what I want from life; travel wise, job wise, relationship wise, pet wise.

 

There ya go. Focus on that. Accept your sensitivity as a strength; it is, you know. Strengths are manifold and not absolute, meaning they have detrimental elements as well. Everything is a balance, IMO.

 

Since you are forming and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships, it's more a matter of compatible style when viewing the value of other's 'judgments'. The 'thick-skinned, rude person' is just incompatible. One person in billions of incompatible people. Value and align yourself with the compatible ones. Hone your people-picker

[Ross PK]

I'm really sensitive too, and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.

 

I just try and stay away from negative people. I used to argue back with them, but now I just can't be bothered.

[carhill]

Sensitivity and empathy are natural attractants for Hoovers and vampires so having good boundaries is essential to maintaining emotional health. I needed professional help with that aspect but it did work. I can now sense when the sensitivity is breaching the healthy boundary and consciously make another choice. Also, going through the divorce process got me used to someone being mad at me and having to deal with that on a daily basis. That thickened the skin a bit. Not that I'd recommend it

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I think a large part of the problem is that I associate being assertive or expressing my needs or wants as selfish or 'bad'. As a child I would always deny myself things. If I wanted something for my birthday or to eat, I would deny it because I felt so priviledged to have such a nice home and family and a lot of my friends were jealous of me, so I denied myself the things I wanted. This formed a habit and became self-sabotaguing behaviour which I still do now - mess up the good things coming my way so other people don't feel bad. So i'm not great at establishing boundaries and I have a self-destructive side that almost welcomes it. I'm always used to supressing opinions and sticking up for myself thanks to certain very hard family members who you cant really argue with.

 

I hate being so sensitive. Its like constantly being bamboozled by things other people don't even notice.

[Peaceful Guy]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I think a large part of the problem is that I associate being assertive or expressing my needs or wants as selfish or 'bad'. As a child I would always deny myself things. If I wanted something for my birthday or to eat, I would deny it because I felt so priviledged to have such a nice home and family and a lot of my friends were jealous of me, so I denied myself the things I wanted. This formed a habit and became self-sabotaguing behaviour which I still do now - mess up the good things coming my way so other people don't feel bad. So i'm not great at establishing boundaries and I have a self-destructive side that almost welcomes it. I'm always used to supressing opinions and sticking up for myself thanks to certain very hard family members who you cant really argue with.

 

I hate being so sensitive. Its like constantly being bamboozled by things other people don't even notice.

 

i can relate to this! there's a term for sticking up for yourself called self advocacy and i think its applicable here. it has few different meanings but they're all sort of tied together. there is a clear difference between self advocacy and selfishness but to the "patient" it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish, resulting in attitudes such as "nice guys finish last."

[Axel Moses]

I can certainly say I am in the exact same boat as you are, Nikki. I have a tremendous amount of issue with asserting myself in social situations because I associate any sort of confrontation with being unkind. I feel like I am ignoring more peaceful resolution by going straight to pushing what I think is right and ignoring the feelings of other people.

 

When I was younger I would avoid fighting people at all costs and tried my hardest to resolve things peacefully. Unfortunately that didn't work at all, so I've become a hateful, silent, irritable adult who has no faith in humanity whatsoever. I refuse to go out into the world because every person I come across seems to be out only for them self and do not care what happens to others through their actions. I'm a lost cause, don't end up like me.

 

It is good to see there are other people in the world who value something other than them self, though. The social outlook these days is "learn to fight, or die in a gutter". I find this to be absolutely irritating. We're adults, but we're supposed to act like quarreling kids because everyone else does. Maybe one day more people will learn that respecting other people does not make a person weak. -_-

[pureinheart]

Firstly, I am a highly sensitive and shy person. I have been ever since I was a child. I love my own company and my select group of friends and my family as well as art and animals. I don't like being the centre of attention and I often feel I don't fit well with other people because most people (at least that I come across) are very thick-skinned and so tend to be more rude, give their (unwanted opinions) more easily, show anger more easily and can be nasty. I've always struggled with other people 'forcing' their advice or views on me because I am naturally an amiable person. I'm not confrontational or aggressive. People could say i'm a doormat but I think I just don't like dealing with these bad things; I'm quite happy just to chat and discuss rather than argue and fight. Unfortunately, because many people solve things by arguing and fighting, if you don't adopt this approach, some people see you as a doormat. Really, I just want to avoid negativity, though I know I need to become a more assertive person.

 

I suppose i'm very resentful that just because i'm shy, sensitive and try to see the nice side of life, that other people try to basically dump all over that by testing me.

 

For instance, I am not the type of girl that easily gets feelings for people, i'm not promiscuous and I don't really like dating around. I like to meet someone through friends, develop a friendship and build it from there. Since my relationship broke up, I am learning to be alone and am preparing for that. Some people may see this as negative, but it isn't. I'm not giving up on love but i'm focusing on my independence and the things that make me happy. But i've had many people tell me, 'you'll end up all alone forever if you don't get a boyfriend now.' These are the type of people who get into a relationship just so they aren't alone.

 

I feel i'm very lucky to know what I want from life; travel wise, job wise, relationship wise, pet wise. But other people seem to hinder me. I don't know if its me 'choosing' these people unconsciously or if it's just the way of the world, but being so sensitive, I find it difficult to stomach what i'd call the majority of people who just AREN'T as sensitive as I am about things.

 

Any other sensitive souls out there?

 

Yep...here I am

 

I identified with what you have posted. I tire of others relentless bitterness, control and manipulation. I hold it back for so long, trying to be nice, then I blow.

 

People are just plain rude these days and do not have proper communication skills. I find that in most circumstances that the majority pounce on what they perceive to be weak. What you described about yourself is not "doormat" it is in fact strength to those that deserve it...the others that perceive you as weak just need to go.

 

It's a juggling of the boundries I guess.

 

There is a growing number of bullies out there, I avoid them like the plague.

 

It sounds like you are guarded concerning your choice in people...that is really the best idea:)....good luck and I agree with you completely.

[pureinheart]

I can certainly say I am in the exact same boat as you are, Nikki. I have a tremendous amount of issue with asserting myself in social situations because I associate any sort of confrontation with being unkind. I feel like I am ignoring more peaceful resolution by going straight to pushing what I think is right and ignoring the feelings of other people.

 

When I was younger I would avoid fighting people at all costs and tried my hardest to resolve things peacefully. Unfortunately that didn't work at all, so I've become a hateful, silent, irritable adult who has no faith in humanity whatsoever. I refuse to go out into the world because every person I come across seems to be out only for them self and do not care what happens to others through their actions. I'm a lost cause, don't end up like me.

 

It is good to see there are other people in the world who value something other than them self, though. The social outlook these days is "learn to fight, or die in a gutter". I find this to be absolutely irritating. We're adults, but we're supposed to act like quarreling kids because everyone else does. Maybe one day more people will learn that respecting other people does not make a person weak. -_-

 

Unfortunately this is usually the case....hey welcome to LS (((((hugs)))))

 

I understand where you are coming from...my thoughts and prayers are with you

[jean-luc sisko]

Life always was about defending one's own interests.

 

In the human condition, the strong punish the weak. it's brutal, but that is how it is.

[pureinheart]

To add, like being thick skinned is a good way to be??????

[brokenblade]

Firstly, I am a highly sensitive and shy person. I have been ever since I was a child. I love my own company and my select group of friends and my family as well as art and animals. I don't like being the centre of attention and I often feel I don't fit well with other people because most people (at least that I come across) are very thick-skinned and so tend to be more rude, give their (unwanted opinions) more easily, show anger more easily and can be nasty. I've always struggled with other people 'forcing' their advice or views on me because I am naturally an amiable person. I'm not confrontational or aggressive. People could say i'm a doormat but I think I just don't like dealing with these bad things; I'm quite happy just to chat and discuss rather than argue and fight. Unfortunately, because many people solve things by arguing and fighting, if you don't adopt this approach, some people see you as a doormat. Really, I just want to avoid negativity, though I know I need to become a more assertive person.

 

I suppose i'm very resentful that just because i'm shy, sensitive and try to see the nice side of life, that other people try to basically dump all over that by testing me.

 

For instance, I am not the type of girl that easily gets feelings for people, i'm not promiscuous and I don't really like dating around. I like to meet someone through friends, develop a friendship and build it from there. Since my relationship broke up, I am learning to be alone and am preparing for that. Some people may see this as negative, but it isn't. I'm not giving up on love but i'm focusing on my independence and the things that make me happy. But i've had many people tell me, 'you'll end up all alone forever if you don't get a boyfriend now.' These are the type of people who get into a relationship just so they aren't alone.

 

I feel i'm very lucky to know what I want from life; travel wise, job wise, relationship wise, pet wise. But other people seem to hinder me. I don't know if its me 'choosing' these people unconsciously or if it's just the way of the world, but being so sensitive, I find it difficult to stomach what i'd call the majority of people who just AREN'T as sensitive as I am about things.

 

Any other sensitive souls out there?

 

I can relate to you. I've been going through similar experiences. I've learned that people often take kindness to be weak. If they see a kind hearted person they will often try to do something to mess with that person's life. (I'm often accused of doing stuff that I not only didn't do but also wouldn't do because of my kind hearted nature)

 

I've learned that if you stand up to one of them and give them a good ass kicking (not literally). Everyone else will leave you alone.

 

Example, one person tried to accuse me of stealing an air freshener, which is wild given that at the time I was homeless and therefore had no use for it. There were other wild accusations going around about me, one of them linking me to the 9-11 catastrophe almost 10 years ago. (seriously guys?) So I finally stood my ground and stated my case and suspicions. Suspiciously enough all accusations stopped and everyone left me alone. (Which makes me even more suspicious, could all accusations and false police reports be related?)

 

I am rather sensitive as well. I am mistaken for being shy. Correction and reality check, if I am not talking all diarrhea mouth spilling my life towards you it is not because I can't break the ice, it is because you are a stuck up and negative spoiled brat and I can sense that. (Don't take this part seriously:p)

 

I am very selective in who I talk to because there is a lot of negative "victim" energy going around and I don't have the time and the energy.

 

IT is good to know what you want out of life, and I'm the same way. Yes a lot of people will try to hinder you and talk you out of it. I just ask them "Am I somehow ruining your life by pursuing my passion?" I also remind them that at least I am doing something productive with my life and if they have time to down talk me, they are obviously not being productive with theirs.

 

You are on a path towards greatness, keep on that path and don't let anyone turn you around. A lot of times people put you down, it's because you have some strengths that they themselves don't have and they are resentful or envious about that.

[brokenblade]

I can certainly say I am in the exact same boat as you are, Nikki. I have a tremendous amount of issue with asserting myself in social situations because I associate any sort of confrontation with being unkind. I feel like I am ignoring more peaceful resolution by going straight to pushing what I think is right and ignoring the feelings of other people.

 

When I was younger I would avoid fighting people at all costs and tried my hardest to resolve things peacefully. Unfortunately that didn't work at all, so I've become a hateful, silent, irritable adult who has no faith in humanity whatsoever. I refuse to go out into the world because every person I come across seems to be out only for them self and do not care what happens to others through their actions. I'm a lost cause, don't end up like me.

 

It is good to see there are other people in the world who value something other than them self, though. The social outlook these days is "learn to fight, or die in a gutter". I find this to be absolutely irritating. We're adults, but we're supposed to act like quarreling kids because everyone else does. Maybe one day more people will learn that respecting other people does not make a person weak. -_-

 

I'm sorry to hear that and I can relate. I used to think I was a lost cause myself. But now, I'm not so sure.

 

I'm working on building myself, especially my body. I believe a lot of the times I am getting messed with is because I look weak (earlier in the year I was 6'0" with very little muscle).

 

Now I am obviously more solid, people are starting to back off of me. I am hoping to get a well defined body (6 pack and everything) by the summer. Yes I am almost there, I just need to eat more healthy.

 

Don't give up hope for yourself. I found out that there is hope for me.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm a sensitive soul too, and I like it, I now appreciate me for me, I'm not going to turn into this thick skinned person ever, so it's high time I accepted me for me. I used to hate the fact I was so sensitive, so shy, so introverted, but now I see something-I'm happy. It's not about anyone else, it's about me. Same for you, so long as you are happy in yourself, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

There's nothing 'doormatish' to not like confrontation, or to shy away from people or guard yourself of the type of people you associate with, or to feel slights more strongly than another person might. That is who you are, and unless you take crap from people because you are too afraid to speak up or leave then you aren't a doormat.

 

People do target the more sensitive people, the 'weak links' because it makes them feel good, and it's easy prey, but meh, what do they know? I found that in several work places I'd be bullied, made fun of, because I simply would not say anything about it. They mistook that for weakness, I happily look upon that as strength, I rose above them by doing nothing at all, and not responding to their pathetic games.